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“Can you give me more information on what being asexual means?”

-Question submitted by Anonymous and answered by Kelli Miller as a part of Everyone Is Gay: Second Opinions

Kelli Says:

Being asexual means I don’t experience sexual attraction. As far as what that means for me, I once told my dad that I could go my entire life without having sex and be a perfectly happy human being. An awkward conversation to have with my dad, certainly, but it was telling of how a lot of people feel, as his answer was “That’s not right.” I don’t believe him, though, because there’s nothing wrong with me! Some people want sex, and some don’t. I just would have an easier time than most going without it.

This brings an interesting dynamic to relationships. Contrary to some myths, asexuals do have friends and some do get into romantic relationships, myself included. There are romantic orientations that we use to describe ourselves, and I consider myself homo-romantic. In short, I dig other girls. A lot. I get crushes all the time. Dating itself isn’t any more difficult for me than it can be for most other people who are a little on the neurotic side. I haven’t done an extensive amount of it, but I’ve had partners in the past. Admittedly, it is intimidating on the basis of being asexual, but relationships are built on trust and good communication, and I’ve managed to do well for myself. It turns out that most of the time spent with a partner doesn’t involve sex, so it works out for me, as I’m rather neutral towards sex and am willing to reach a compromise. My last romantic relationship involved some compromise, though not too much. I’m not averse to sex and consider it enjoyable and bonding. Asexuals can have sex; they just don’t experience the sexual attraction.

Some don’t paint a flattering picture of us. Being asexual, I’m invisible to a decent portion of the population. If we’re not invisible, then some will go on to say that we don’t exist or worse. That’s when the hurtful comments start coming in. We’re considered broken, sometimes inhuman. Someone I knew insisted I was an alien or a robot before he eventually told me that there was likely some Darwinian reason for why I’m asexual— I obviously have something so wrong with me that I’m not supposed to procreate. I was told by some people that I should check my hormones, and that is something that happens very often to those in the asexual community. As it stands, I have had my hormones checked and they are fine, thank you very much. People are downright rude, sometimes. I’ve been asked if I masturbate, which is something that happens frequently to other asexuals. I hate seeing some doctors, because I’ll be asked about my sexuality. A doctor once asked me if I was sure I wasn’t just gay, as I’m a male-bodied person who might have been in denial about liking men. Most accept it eventually, but continue to ask if I stillconsider myself asexual at other visits. We’re a rather marginalized group.

I do find people who accept me and my identity without question in my local LGBT+ community. There’s an asexual pride flag hanging in my school’s LGBT center, and I’ve found a community outside the initial asexual community I got into. I consider myself queer, but not all asexuals think or feel the same way. That identity might have more to do with my gender and the relationships I engage in, but it’s different for everyone. That’s a separate part of my being, though, so I’ll hold off. I will say that one of the more entertaining things to come out of a relationship, given my being asexual, was becoming cuddle buddies with a friend and telling her she was practically a “friend with benefits” as far as I was concerned. That’s a good taste of what I think it means to be asexual. Mileage may vary.


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