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“I’m about to start a summer internship, and I haven’t been able to figure out the gender identification of my soon-to-be mentor/coworker - who I’ll call ‘Alex.’ I have not heard anyone else refer to Alex with pronouns, and so far I have managed to only ever refer to Alex directly by name. I suspect that Alex may be trans, but I’m not sure and I don’t want to make assumptions. What’s the most respectful way to ask Alex about Alex’s gender identification/how Alex would like to be referred to?”

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

I’m having a lot of thoughts about this because a lot of people think it’s offensive to ask for someone’s pronouns. Which, I’m sure if we break it down and we get even more intense about it, like, you think it’s offensive to ask for pronouns, because society has taught you that being trans is abnormal, and you don’t want to suggest someone is abnormal…

BUT THE TRUTH IS… It’s not offensive. It’s incredible, so necessary, and the only way to be inclusive. AND if you’re like “hey, what’re yr pronouns” to a person who responds with, “WHY?! WHY WOULD YOU ASK THAT?!!? ISN’T IT OBVIOUS?!?!” You can simply say, “I always default to asking over assuming, I like to know for sure, rather than try to guess.” You can even take it one step further and talk about the number of people who are mis-gendered on a daily basis. You can throw out some statistics about suicide within the LGBTQ community, you can point them to specific stories of transgender youth who have taken their lives because of shit like this. You can also take a step back and say, “hey, I’m just doing my part to be as inclusive as possible, I want to be a part of making our work environment a safe space and it’s one of the quickest and easiest ways to make everyone feel comfortable.” And, I know you’re not exactly in a power-position here, so say something like, “Hey Alex, can you let me know people’s pronouns as you point them out to me? I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.”

I encourage everyone to implement small things like this in their workplace. Asking for pronouns from all co-workers (or employees if you’re a manger or boss). Having gender neutral bathrooms is another easy thing to do. Are there two single-stall bathrooms? With their own door? Why is one “men” and one is “women”?? Why not make them both gender-neutral, or ‘unisex’ or however you wanna call it so we aren’t making demarcations for no reason?

Also, take note that a lot of this can be solved during the application process. A lot of people have driver’s licenses that don’t match their identities. The world makes it pretty fucking difficult to live your life sometimes. SO, When they’re filling out the app, simply walk by and say “oh, the job application from 1945 doesn’t say this, but if your ID doesn’t match your preferred name or the pronoun you identify with, just make a note so we all know!”

Changing the world isn’t that hard. Making your workspace more inclusive isn’t that hard. Being a dope ass mother fucker is not that hard. Be kind, be aware of your own privilege, recognize that we all deserve the same privilege and do everything you can to pass it on. I am so fucking privileged to identify with the pronoun a doctor shouted when i plopped out of my mom’s vagina. I recognize that and I spend my days trying to make sure those around me feel that way, too. AND ESPECIALLY knowing that one tiny thing I can do is ask someone their pronoun and then use it correctly… THAT’S IT?! Cool. Then yea. I can do that.

I just ranted, sorry. hi.

***
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06.15.2015
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“I purchased and read “This Is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids”. It is excellent, of course. But what I really need for my teachers’ book club is a book entitled “This Is a Book for Teachers of Gay Kids”. DO YOU HAVE A BOOK TO SUGGEST? I’ve contacted GLSEN with little success.”

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Kristin Says:

Anonymous! I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

Last month we went up to a conference in Massachusetts where we spoke to 70 high school guidance counselors about how to be better prepared for their LGBTQ students. Each one of them was given a copy of This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids!

Even though the book is centered around the parent-child relationship, so so sooooooo much of what is in the book is relevant and helpful for friends, educators, co-workers, administrators, and employers of LGBTQ people! We cover so many questions that are relevant in homes as well as schools (from the more basic, ”Is it a choice?” and “Am I allowed to ask questions?” to the specific, “What do I do if they want to come out at school?” and “What is the difference between gender identity and sexuality?”), and the stories shared by young people help round out a better understanding of the complex experiences of LGBTQ humans!

My other immediate suggestion, since you already know about GLSEN, would be to reach out to the people at NYCoRE (New York Collective of Radical Educators). They have a smaller subset group called NYQueer, and they are very knowledgeable about how to help teachers “queer” their curriculums and be more inclusive in many, many ways. They have resources like reading materials for young kids, yearly planners with notes on historic days in LGBTQ history, and more. They rule, and I am certain they’d have some amazing books to recommend.

Also, remember this: reading about the lives and experiences of many queer and trans people, even though not specifically tied to educational practices, is very, very powerful. The biggest gap in teacher-student relationships as pertains to these issues is a lack of sensitivity, awareness, and understanding. If there is some flexibility in your book club, maybe you can pull a few articles on things like pronoun usage and the importance of gender neutral bathrooms, or watch videos together that cover things like bisexual awareness and the gender binary! Overall awareness will get your fellow teacher-friends in a place where they are being inclusive in their classrooms in extremely powerful ways.

Lastly! Dannielle and I have a goal this year of partnering with educators to help us create a teacher’s guide for This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids, and to build out a teacher-specific section over on The Parents Project. If you have interest in helping us, let us know (email us at info (at) everyoneisgay (dot) com)!!

YAY FOR TEACHERS WHO ARE THE BEST ONES.
Beans, if you have more resources, reply with them!!!

xx

***
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04.29.2015
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“My gf and I are both graduating soon and heading into the same line of work. I love her, but she’s been offered more opportunities than I have at the moment, and sometimes it’s hard for me to be excited for her. Do you have any advice about how I can be supportive of her while I’m kinda bummed about my own situation?”

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Oh man, this is a great question. I feel like a lot of people struggle with this in so many ways with so many people. Maybe your friend, maybe your coworker, maybe your sister, maybe someone you used to know, it happens everywhere all the time and it’s so hard to talk yourself out of, but also it’s totally possible.

Once you get to a place where you can be just excited for her success, you’re going to fucking love life. There is no better feeling than excitement and pride for the person you’re madly in love with, y’all. It’s okay if it doesn’t happen right away AND it’s okay that you slip up from time to time. HOWEVER, one thing to remember is that there is enough success for everyone. One person’s success does not equal your failure. Rihanna is not any less successful because Katy Perry is successful. They are both successful in the same industry, in a similar way, but they don’t tear each other down, they are never “in the way” of one another, and Rihanna’s Coconut Water ad certainly doesn’t take away from Katy Perry’s Adidas ad and GTFW (guess the fuck what), they BOTH did cover girl ads… so like… they did their own things that prove they are successful and THEN did more similar things that prove they’re both successful.

THERE. IS. ENOUGH. FOR. EVERYONE. There just is, and I know your boo wants to help you.

Also, I think it’s okay if you want to talk about it. It’s okay to say “I am so fucking happy for you and this is so amazing and I got a little jealous because of course I want to be doing all these things, but at the end of the day, me being so fucking proud of you overshadows all of the jealous.” Maybe your boo can help you spice your resume or get better at interviews, or maybe you have cool ways to work together that will bring you both up. There are 20,000,000 ways to be successful in one field, you know? Help each other, fight for each other, be proud of each other, support each other. This is gonna be so dope.

Kristin Says:

I want to, first, underline Dannielle’s point about there being enough success for everyone. Jenny and I talk about this a lot, because we also (we all) wrestle these feelings, and we need to be reminded. For whatever reason, people seem hardwired to compare themselves to others… when in reality those comparisons are not at all informative about the person we are, the opportunities we have, or the possibilities that lie ahead.

The other thing that I want to stress has to do with partnership. You and your gf are partners, which means that when you succeed, so does she… and vice versa. This doesn’t only hold true for romantic partnerships, either. Dannielle and I have been side-by-side for nearly five years, working together on Everyone Is Gay. In the past year, we’ve started to work on some new projects, individually. I know that both of us have moments where we feel confused and lost and worried that perhaps we won’t be able to succeed like the other, but we anchor ourselves with the knowledge that each of our individual successes are actually successes for us both, and for our work together. It isn’t easy, and it requires reminding yourself again and again, and also talking about how you are feeling. You have to communicate!

Dannielle and I have said those words to each other: “I don’t know if I can do anything on my own, I am afraid I won’t succeed, I am unsure, I am sad, I am confused.” We talk about those things, we explore them, we revisit them, and you and your girlfriend need to do the same. You can express your feelings without making her feel like she shouldn’t succeed, and you can express those feelings while also being endlessly proud of her accomplishments.

Try, if you can, to remember that you are capable and strong. Our paths are all very different, and you and your gf will ebb and flow in relation to success in very different ways. Then, remember that you are walking a path together, which means each of your successes help to carry you both. She will learn from your triumphs and you can learn from hers.

<3

***
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04.6.2015
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"Hey K&D, I’m a semi grown up, 28 year queer teacher, out to friends and (recently) my parents (yay!). I work in a small, conservative, regional town where being ‘queer’ is perceived as abnormal. I’m deeply conflicted as to my responsibility (?) to come out at work - I feel my sexuality is private, but our students deserve/need positive queer role models and honesty. Whilst I can’t lose my job (due to the law), I can lose my colleagues’ respect. What do you think is the best way to navigate this?"

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Hey okay. This is a tough one, and I completely understand that you are in a sticky situation. I have a few thoughts, but I want you to know that this decision is your own and there is  no ‘right’ or ‘wrong.’ There is only what you want and what you decide to do.

(1) On being a positive queer role model: Don’t put this on yourself. You can be a positive and affirming, open-minded, celebratory of self-expression teacher human WITHOUT being out. If you genuinely feel your sexuality is yours and it is a private matter, do not feel FORCED to come out to be a “role model.” You can do about 1 million other things to make students feel welcome and celebrated. You can ask everyone what their pronouns are (added bonus: you can explain what that means), use same-sex couples as examples, suggest books that highlight different types of families, talk about current events, show “it gets better” videos and let your class know that your door is always open. This is all stuff you do to be inclusive of EVERYONE, it’s not stuff you do to prove you’re queer.

(2) On losing the respect of your colleagues: I can’t imagine you will create close friendships with these people if they are the type of people who would stop respecting you because of who you are… I just can’t. I would not want to stay in-the-closet for someone else, the same way I would not want to come-out-of-the-closet for someone else. Try to check in with you and do what is best for your own brain.

(3) On Safety: I don’t know where you live or what your school environment is like, only you can know how safe you’ll truly feel. If that is your main concern, if you feel like your life, job, well-being, etc are all in jeopardy, do not feel pressured to come out. It is totally 100% okay to keep your private life private, in order to keep yourself safe. As I said before, you can be inclusive, warm, and totally open without compromising your privacy and identity.

Kristin Says:

Dannielle has hit and expanded upon the key point in this situation: you can (we all can) bring change to this world in ways that also align with what makes us feel comfortable.

Would it be great for your students to have a positive queer role model in the form of you, their teacher? Well, duh. Yes, of course.

However, if you come out for this purpose and your work environment becomes uncomfortable or unsafe or just generally unpleasant… how is this going to affect your teaching? My guess is that you want to maintain decent working relationships within the walls of your school so that you can bring positivity and open-mindedness and encouragement and creativity to the students who need those things desperately.

So, this becomes a balancing act that you negotiate from day to day, month to month, and year to year — and like Dannielle said, it is different for each and every person placed in your position. Dannielle has given you fantastic ways to bring conversations around sexuality, gender identity, and human equality into your everyday lessons, and there are many places that can help you do so in the ways that most fit your class and curriculum. Look to GLSEN, and smaller communities like the NY Collective of Radical Educators for materials and guidance.

I want to take a sidebar here to say that I am angry. I know you, Anonymous, must be angry. And, dear reader, you are probably angry along with us. The fact that hundreds of thousands of incredible people are placed in this unfair, ridiculous situation each and every day is a fucking intolerable injustice, and it is okay and right for us to also feel fucking furious about it. Okay? Okay.

To those of you who can be out, let’s keep hollering and yelling and banging our queer pots and pans to the fucking high heavens. To those of you who cannot be out, let’s work together to make your voices heard as well. To those of you who are not queer or trans but believe in human equality: BRING THESE LESSONS INTO YOUR CLASSROOMS. BRING THESE WORDS INTO YOUR OFFICES. We need your voices alongside ours so that teachers like this amazing person know that they have support in their places of work and elsewhere.

*raises fist to the sky*

***

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03.2.2015
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"What is an appropriate way to out myself in a job interview if they don’t ask the diversity question? Last time, all I could think of was ‘As a gay person, I believe in equality in the workplace and beyond’ but that seemed unprompted and awkward in hindsight."

- Question submitted by Anonymous and answered by Sara Schmidt-Kost as a part of Everyone Is Gay: Second Opinions.

Sara Says:

Great question! I think there are a few different ways a person can out themselves in an interview that won’t come off awkward or unprompted.

First, please check and make sure you live in a state that has protective laws in place for LGBT people in the workplace. Unfortunately, the federal Employment Non-Discrimination Act hasn’t passed Congress yet, so there is no nation-wide law in place. However, some states, like where I live in Minnesota, have passed laws that protect workers from being discriminated against or fired for identifying as LGBT. If there is no law in your state, it could be detrimental to your potential employment.

When you are applying for jobs, there are ways to hint at your sexual orientation in your resume and/or cover letter. Include on your resume time you’ve spent volunteering with LGBT organizations, leadership roles or internships with LGBT organizations while in college, and clearly spe it out in a Special Skills section if you have one. For instance, using terms like “Cultural Diversity,” “Multicultural Sensitivity,” “LGBT Issues,” or other similar terms can signal to those interviewing you of your orientation, or at least your social justice mind-set. You can also include those terms or out yourself in your summary on your LinkedIn profile if you have one.

In the actual interview, you can answer questions in ways that out yourself, such as you stated above. As long as you practice answering questions this way and are confident in your answer, it won’t come off as awkward. Use examples. Mention any work you’ve done with LGBT organizations, anything you learned in college, or any other life experiences that would be relevant. You can always research common interview questions on the internet, or even ask the company for a copy of the questions they ask so that you can prepare.

Speaking of preparing, that’s another great thing to do before your interview. Research the company you’re applying for a job with and check to see if they have a policy about sexual orientation/gender identity. Come prepared with that information and any other information about the company. You can also ask your interviewer during the “do you have any questions for us” section at the end of the interview what their company’s policy is on sexual orientation/gender identity, or about same-sex marriage benefits, anything like that.

You can always out yourself during the “tell us a little about yourself” section, too. You may want to practice that a few times if you choose to out yourself in that way. Rehearse what you’re going to say, and make sure it sounds good to you. The more prep you can do for an interview, the better!

Plan for it. Rehearse what you want to say. Go into the interview confident that you are prepared, that you are qualified for the position, and gosh darn it, that you deserve a job! Now go rock that interview!

***

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09.30.2014
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