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“I purchased and read “This Is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids”. It is excellent, of course. But what I really need for my teachers’ book club is a book entitled “This Is a Book for Teachers of Gay Kids”. DO YOU HAVE A BOOK TO SUGGEST? I’ve contacted GLSEN with little success.”

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Kristin Says:

Anonymous! I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

Last month we went up to a conference in Massachusetts where we spoke to 70 high school guidance counselors about how to be better prepared for their LGBTQ students. Each one of them was given a copy of This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids!

Even though the book is centered around the parent-child relationship, so so sooooooo much of what is in the book is relevant and helpful for friends, educators, co-workers, administrators, and employers of LGBTQ people! We cover so many questions that are relevant in homes as well as schools (from the more basic, ”Is it a choice?” and “Am I allowed to ask questions?” to the specific, “What do I do if they want to come out at school?” and “What is the difference between gender identity and sexuality?”), and the stories shared by young people help round out a better understanding of the complex experiences of LGBTQ humans!

My other immediate suggestion, since you already know about GLSEN, would be to reach out to the people at NYCoRE (New York Collective of Radical Educators). They have a smaller subset group called NYQueer, and they are very knowledgeable about how to help teachers “queer” their curriculums and be more inclusive in many, many ways. They have resources like reading materials for young kids, yearly planners with notes on historic days in LGBTQ history, and more. They rule, and I am certain they’d have some amazing books to recommend.

Also, remember this: reading about the lives and experiences of many queer and trans people, even though not specifically tied to educational practices, is very, very powerful. The biggest gap in teacher-student relationships as pertains to these issues is a lack of sensitivity, awareness, and understanding. If there is some flexibility in your book club, maybe you can pull a few articles on things like pronoun usage and the importance of gender neutral bathrooms, or watch videos together that cover things like bisexual awareness and the gender binary! Overall awareness will get your fellow teacher-friends in a place where they are being inclusive in their classrooms in extremely powerful ways.

Lastly! Dannielle and I have a goal this year of partnering with educators to help us create a teacher’s guide for This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids, and to build out a teacher-specific section over on The Parents Project. If you have interest in helping us, let us know (email us at info (at) everyoneisgay (dot) com)!!

YAY FOR TEACHERS WHO ARE THE BEST ONES.
Beans, if you have more resources, reply with them!!!

xx

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04.29.2015
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"Hey K&D, I’m a semi grown up, 28 year queer teacher, out to friends and (recently) my parents (yay!). I work in a small, conservative, regional town where being ‘queer’ is perceived as abnormal. I’m deeply conflicted as to my responsibility (?) to come out at work - I feel my sexuality is private, but our students deserve/need positive queer role models and honesty. Whilst I can’t lose my job (due to the law), I can lose my colleagues’ respect. What do you think is the best way to navigate this?"

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Hey okay. This is a tough one, and I completely understand that you are in a sticky situation. I have a few thoughts, but I want you to know that this decision is your own and there is  no ‘right’ or ‘wrong.’ There is only what you want and what you decide to do.

(1) On being a positive queer role model: Don’t put this on yourself. You can be a positive and affirming, open-minded, celebratory of self-expression teacher human WITHOUT being out. If you genuinely feel your sexuality is yours and it is a private matter, do not feel FORCED to come out to be a “role model.” You can do about 1 million other things to make students feel welcome and celebrated. You can ask everyone what their pronouns are (added bonus: you can explain what that means), use same-sex couples as examples, suggest books that highlight different types of families, talk about current events, show “it gets better” videos and let your class know that your door is always open. This is all stuff you do to be inclusive of EVERYONE, it’s not stuff you do to prove you’re queer.

(2) On losing the respect of your colleagues: I can’t imagine you will create close friendships with these people if they are the type of people who would stop respecting you because of who you are… I just can’t. I would not want to stay in-the-closet for someone else, the same way I would not want to come-out-of-the-closet for someone else. Try to check in with you and do what is best for your own brain.

(3) On Safety: I don’t know where you live or what your school environment is like, only you can know how safe you’ll truly feel. If that is your main concern, if you feel like your life, job, well-being, etc are all in jeopardy, do not feel pressured to come out. It is totally 100% okay to keep your private life private, in order to keep yourself safe. As I said before, you can be inclusive, warm, and totally open without compromising your privacy and identity.

Kristin Says:

Dannielle has hit and expanded upon the key point in this situation: you can (we all can) bring change to this world in ways that also align with what makes us feel comfortable.

Would it be great for your students to have a positive queer role model in the form of you, their teacher? Well, duh. Yes, of course.

However, if you come out for this purpose and your work environment becomes uncomfortable or unsafe or just generally unpleasant… how is this going to affect your teaching? My guess is that you want to maintain decent working relationships within the walls of your school so that you can bring positivity and open-mindedness and encouragement and creativity to the students who need those things desperately.

So, this becomes a balancing act that you negotiate from day to day, month to month, and year to year — and like Dannielle said, it is different for each and every person placed in your position. Dannielle has given you fantastic ways to bring conversations around sexuality, gender identity, and human equality into your everyday lessons, and there are many places that can help you do so in the ways that most fit your class and curriculum. Look to GLSEN, and smaller communities like the NY Collective of Radical Educators for materials and guidance.

I want to take a sidebar here to say that I am angry. I know you, Anonymous, must be angry. And, dear reader, you are probably angry along with us. The fact that hundreds of thousands of incredible people are placed in this unfair, ridiculous situation each and every day is a fucking intolerable injustice, and it is okay and right for us to also feel fucking furious about it. Okay? Okay.

To those of you who can be out, let’s keep hollering and yelling and banging our queer pots and pans to the fucking high heavens. To those of you who cannot be out, let’s work together to make your voices heard as well. To those of you who are not queer or trans but believe in human equality: BRING THESE LESSONS INTO YOUR CLASSROOMS. BRING THESE WORDS INTO YOUR OFFICES. We need your voices alongside ours so that teachers like this amazing person know that they have support in their places of work and elsewhere.

*raises fist to the sky*

***

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03.2.2015
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"I am gay and about to graduate. My teacher is gay and recently divorced. We spend a lot of time outside of school together and she regularly talks about visiting me in college and how she’s gonna miss me so much. I can’t tell what her feelings are, but I know I am in love with her. Should I just ignore my feelings and see if it goes away once I leave?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous and answered by Sara Schmidt-Kost as a part of Everyone Is Gay: Second Opinions

Sara Says:

Thanks for your question! This is such a tough subject, with many separate issues to consider.

First, I think it’s important to understand that teacher/student relationships are very tricky to navigate from both sides. An essential part of a teacher’s job is to build relationships with their students, to be a mentor and support them as best they can. But when that relationship crosses the line from professional mentoring into something more, things can get tricky. I think you are walking a very fine line here, one that has the potential to get both you and your teacher in trouble personally and professionally. Given the sentence about not knowing how your teacher feels, I’m going to assume nothing inappropriate has happened between you both yet. Do everything you can to keep that from happening. Careers and lives can be ruined by crossing that line from student/teacher to something more romantic.

Full disclosure, I had a teacher in high school who was caught allegedly texting inappropriate things and soliciting sex from one of my classmates. This has influenced my opinion on teacher/student relationships.

There are power dynamics in a teacher/student relationship that must be considered as well. A teacher is in a position of power and influence over impressionable children and teenagers, and as such, teachers must be cautious when developing close relationships with their students. In the “mainstream” society, the fear about LGBT teachers “influencing” children still exists, and I believe LGBT teachers (and all teachers for that matter) need to be cautious in their actions, if only to protect themselves from untrue accusations. I recognize this is probably an extreme point of view, however I think it’s the reality of the world we live in. Obviously students are bound to get crushes on young teachers, but I think teachers should discourage that from happening as much as possible. Especially as a lesbian, I am very aware of the boundaries I set up with my students because of a potential situation like this arising. While working with my students, I make sure that my interactions with them are always appropriate and professional.

In addition, there are many ways teachers can mentor and support their students, but it sounds as though your teacher has been relying on you for support after her divorce. Please understand that a teacher’s work should be to support their students, not to receive support from them. Your teacher needs to find a more appropriate means of support for herself, so she can support you while you prepare for your transition into college.

Since you’re off to college soon, start looking ahead at all the excitement and adventure waiting for you. Maybe your college has an LGBT group you can join. Maybe your future college roommate has a friend from her hometown who would be perfect for you. Maybe there will be a wonderful, gorgeous stranger in one of your exciting college courses, and your eyes will meet from across the classroom and… Anyway, my point is, there are so many possibilities out there. Don’t hold yourself back because of your teacher. Jump in feet first to the college life of 10 A.M. classes, afternoon naps, midnight cram sessions, and house parties! Do everything you can to enjoy this part of your life. You’re only young and in college once.

Hopefully once you immerse yourself in college life, your feelings for your teacher will subside. If you’re so inclined, you can keep in contact with your teacher while you are in college. As a young adult, it can be helpful to have a mentor to guide you through the tricky parts of being a young adult and entering the work world. (Networking! Am I right?) But please, keep it cordial but not intimate. As you venture out into the world, it’s important for you to be able to distinguish a professional relationship, like those with a mentor, teacher, boss, or coworker, from a platonic friendship. This relationship should stay strictly professional.

***
Sara Schmidt-Kost is an out, queer Educator in Minneapolis, MN. Read more about her and her work on our Second Opinions page!

05.20.2014
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"I’m in high school and one of my teachers is prone to making rather queerphobic / heteronormative jokes and comments. As a queer person myself do you think I should call her out on it or just stick it out?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous and answered by Sara Schmidt-Kost as a part of Everyone Is Gay: Second Opinions

Sara Says:

First, I just want to say that no student should have a teacher who makes comments like those. And I hope that you have other teachers who are respectful, positive role models for you and your peers.

As I see it, you have a few different options, depending on your specific circumstances. It’s going to be easier for you to address these issues if you are supported by other students, your family, other teachers, school administration, and your community. If there is a GSA at your school or an out, queer teacher, you could go to them first and ask for advice or help dealing with the teacher making comments.

If you feel comfortable, absolutely bring it up with the teacher. Any good teacher should be open to hearing from students if the student approaches them in a calm and constructive way. Perhaps your teacher doesn’t even realize she is saying something offensive. Perhaps your teacher didn’t realize her comments were affecting students. You could say something in class right when she makes a joke or comment, or wait until after class to say something. If it helps, you could ask a friend to speak up with you. Power in numbers!

Another option, if you don’t want to directly confront your teacher, or if your teacher blew you off after you confronted her, would be to bring the matter up with your school administration. Document the comments that your teacher makes, and try to enlist some friends or other students in other classes to document them as well. Note the date, time, and quote what was said for a few weeks. Once you and other students get enough evidence, go to the school administration and demand they do something about that teacher.

You deserve to feel safe and supported at school. I hope your teacher will learn from her mistakes and realize that queer people exist in your school and in the world.

***

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04.1.2014
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“I’m a teacher and a closeted (at work only) queer. Do you have any ideas about what can I do to support my students on the rainbow spectrum without overstepping my bounds, outing myself, or just generally being creepy?”

- Question submitted by Anonymous and answered by Sara Schmidt-Kost as a part of Everyone Is Gay: Second Opinions

Sara Says:

This is a topic I struggled with while doing my undergrad, and I have only just begun to figure out how to navigate through it. I realized while in college that I couldn’t be the most authentic teacher I wanted to be without being out to my students. I’m so lucky now to be out at school and to work in a school district that is incredibly supportive of LGBT staff and students. More and more schools and school districts are becoming supportive, though in K-12 Education it is still hard to address LGBT topics.

First thing you should consider is how supportive your school environment is of LGBT students and staff. Does your school have an inclusive bullying policy in place? Is there a Gay-Straight Alliance? Are there other out LGBT staff? Is the rest of the staff generally supportive of LGBT people? There are ways you can be sneakily supportive of LGBT students, but it helps to have the administration and other staff behind you.

I recommend you start with simple things like making sure you are providing a safe, welcoming, and inclusive classroom environment for all students. That includes making sure you are intervening when students use homophobic words and phrases like “that’s so gay” or “no homo”, as well as any other offensive racist, sexist, classist, or ableist slurs.

Also, you could put a rainbow sticker on your door. You could put up supportive posters in your classroom. You could start an anti-bullying club. Depending on what subject you teach, you can incorporate LGBT people and themes into your lessons. You can be an example of what it means to be an ally to the LGBT community, even though you’re *whispers* actually queer. And then, once you’re comfortable being a more supportive teacher, you can assess whether or not you want to stay closeted at work.

As far as specifically supporting your LGBT students, I think it really depends on the age group you work with and what your students need from you. It’s important to remember that your work with your students is about them, not about you. Once they know you are supportive of LGBT people, they might feel more comfortable coming to you. Start small, and know that your students will begin to recognize that you are supportive of them. Kids pick up on stuff. They know the teachers they can turn to when they need help.

Lastly, continue to educate yourself on best practices of anti-oppressive education, social justice teaching, and multicultural curriculum. The more comfortable you are with the concepts of social justice and multicultural education within K-12 schooling, the better a teacher you’ll be for your students. Also, check out the book “One teacher in 10”. It’s a wonderful collection of essays from LGBT teachers. It might help you better navigate through this process.

Best of luck to you!

***

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02.18.2014
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