"Hi so I am a lesbian who is still mostly in the closet I am just not ready to come out just yet but there is a guy in my class who has a big crush on me. I don't like him at all but I don't want to be rude he keep's asking me out on date's and I keep saying no. How can I get the message to him nicely that it's nothing personal I just don't like him without coming out as gay?"
-Question Submitted by Anonymous
HOW ABOUT DON’T GET THE MESSAGE TO HIM NICELY ANYMORE, HUH?!
Oooooooooh, Anonymous, I am sorry for yelling, but your question fired up all of my feminist gears and pistons and engines and superpowers and whatever else comes in this box labeled “Feminist Powers, Open With Care.” Let’s just take a moment to go over what you said here:
– A boy asked you out on a date
– You politely said no
– A boy asked you out on a date again
– You politely said no
– A boy. Asked you out. On a date. AGAIN.
Now, and I understand where you are coming from, I DO, you are asking how else to fucking politely say no again but GUESS WHAT… this boy isn’t getting the message. Guess what else? Your sexuality doesn’t need to have anything to do with this exchange, because who you choose to go out with isn’t anyone’s business but your own.
I am mad, Anonymous, not because of this one boy in your class who has a crush and who might just reaaallly think that you saying “no,” means “maybe.” However, read that last sentence again and you’ll get where this kind of behavior is super fucking dangerous. When people think “no” means “maybe,” other people – and especially women – are put in really shitty, dangerous, fucked up situations. This boy in your class, and lots of other boys (and other people, not just boys!) need to be taught to listen to what others say, and not assume that they know what others might want despite what they say.
Does this mean you have to walk into class, open up your own box of feminist-power and smash this boy over the head with it?? You certainly CAN, but that isn’t the only solution here.
If I were you, the first step I’d take would be to speak directly and clearly (which is still polite!), letting this boy know that I’d like him to stop asking me out. I’d say something like, “Listen. I don’t want to go out on a date with you, and I would appreciate it if you didn’t as me any more. It’s important to me that we have the ability to be friends, and the more you ask, the less that becomes possible!”
Now, you’ve drawn your line. Clearly.
If this boy asks you out again after you say these words to him, I don’t know that he even deserves an answer, and that much is up to you. If you’re feeling it as much as I am feeling it though, turn to him and say, “I didn’t have interest in going on a date in the first place, but I can tell you very clearly that I would never, ever want to date a person who doesn’t trust the words that I share with them. I’ve repeatedly told you I wasn’t interested in dating you, and I also tried to be polite. You have disrespected me by ignoring what I’ve said and what I’ve asked for, and I think that if you are looking to date anyone in the future, you should really think about being more respectful to start with. THANK YOU AND GOOD DAY, SIR.”
Then, blast a Beyonce song in your mind and go back to your work.
*flips all the furniture in the room*
"I think my best friend might just be friends with me because she wants a ‘Will and Grace’ friendship. She constantly assumes things about me because I’m gay and always says I’m her ‘Will’. She’s always wanting to hold my hand, and my sexuality is always the focus of everything. Plus, the first - and ONLY - thing she tells ANYONE she meets is that she has a "gay best friend". A couple if my friends also see this. Should I say something? Or should I forget about it since I can’t be 100% sure?"
- Question submitted by Anonymous
You should say something bc apart from it being rude and kinda offensive, it’s also just SOOOO ANNOYING. If someone was doing that to me, I would legit be over it in a week and I would start pretending I was busy all the time. BUT I AM PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE AND THAT IS NOT HEALTHY.
You can pretty easily have this talk without making her feel like she’s the worst person, tho. I would start by saying “I 100% do not want to be dramatic, but is there any chance you can stop intro-ing me as your gay best friend? I’m totally comfortable with myself but EVERYONE tends to make snap judgements based on my sexuality and also being gay isn’t the only/coolest thing about me?”
Hopefully that will be the only convo you’ll have to have bc HOPEFULLY her brain gears will turn and she will realize the other times in which she might be offending you. BUT IF NOT, have the conversation again. Explain that Will wasn’t all that great, he was kind of egotistical and petty and while Grace was perfect, she made some poor decisions. If anything, you are the SpongeBob to her Patrick, she says dumb stuff and you get your feelings hurt but no one REALLY means any harm.
You definitely have to say something.
If I were you, I would write out a list of things that I consider part of who I am, in no particular order. Por ejemplo:
Kristin: has a cat, loves Buffy the Vampire Slayer and The Cosby Show, had her appendix out, drinks decaf coffee and red wine, likes to have her nails painted, from a Catholic family, is Italian and has a real Uncle Vinny, makes her wife get Halloween candy from the corner bodega at 10pm on Halloween night when she realizes she has to participate in the holiday by eating chocolate, took Spanish for seven years, was a theater major, is a professional lipsyncer.
Then I would say to my friend: Listen, PENNY (her name), I adore you and I am so happy that you are cool with me being me, and you love gay people, and all that jazz. However, PENNY (you don’t have to say her name again, but you can if you want), I have been feeling kind of down lately because I don’t want to ONLY be your gay friend. I want to be your friend who does and is a whole bunch of things. So that made me think, maybe I should make a list of other things about me, and ask PENNY to make a list of things about her, and then we’d be able to work on talking about more than just me being a big gaymo, plus I get to learn things about you I might not have known. *throw list up in the air, spin around, catch it in your teeth, smile* Whaddya think?!
You should practice the spin move a bit before you talk to her.
The bottom line here is that you are much more than just a gay person, and any friend that you have should understand that, or at least hear you when you explain your feelings. Let her know you are always willing to talk about her feelings and your feelings as they relate to your sexuality (bc also… maybe she is obsessing over it bc she is having some conflicting feelings herself… #everyoneisgay), but that you want to build the other parts of your friendship, too.
September 13, 2012: 1. My friend says being gay is gross, should I come out to her?! 2. My friends are straight, so I feel weird talking about gay things...
January 18, 2012: 1. how do i explain to my friend that girls who dress like boys are not boys? 2. i'm a gay guy who wants to hang out with a straight guy as friends. how do i do this without him thinking i am asking him on a date??
“I'm a straight dude w/a huge crush on my best friend who's a single Lesbian. We really connect. She's comfortable with herself, her sexuality, and is super sweet & chill. On top of her personality, she's the prettiest girl I know. I understand she probably won't feel the same way, but I'd still love to tell her "I like you!" or whatevs, but don't want to harm our friendship. Thoughts?”
- Question submitted by Anonymous
I just want to point out this is EXACTLY like a lesbian having a crush on her straight bff. JUST. SAYING.
If you don’t tell her it’s going to eat away at your insides forEV.er. and though she might be like ‘oh man, if only you had a Labia Minora, this would be awesome’ she might also be like ‘i know, i have feelings for you too, and i dont know what to do about it’ and then you guys could kiss and stuff.
BUT IF YOU DON’T AT LEAST MENTION IT, you’ll spend your entire life thinking ‘what if’ which is the most annoying feeling. This is pretty much how it goes for anything. Liking someone, not applying for a job, getting the same sandwich at a restaurant instead of trying to new special, not spending an extra five dollars on face wash that might make ALL YR ZITS DISAPPEAR, not going to see Bad Teacher in the theater, not buying a new shirt for an interview…. there are all these things that seem so trivial, but if we don’t do them, or try them, or talk about them, we fucking obsess over them.
Would you rather obsess over something that doesn’t exist and question it forevzies or know the answer ASAP?
I have an answer that comes in two parts #thatswhatshesaid:
1) You should absolutely tell her, because keeping the way you actually feel to yourself will just make you act SO WEIRD, and then one day she will be like, ‘you look so nice in that shirt,’ and all your pent up feelings will tumble out of your mouth and you’ll wind up screaming, ‘THANK YOU YOUR BOOBS ARE REALLY NICE AND I WANT TO TOUCH THEM,’ and it will be so embarrassing.
It doesn’t have to be a crazy confessional where everyone cries and screams, you can just ask her if she wants to grab a coffee and say, “Listen, I don’t want to make things weird at all, but I need to let you know that I totally have a crush on you. I figure it will be good to just get that out there, and you can either make fun of me until I am over it or you can tell me that my incredible physique, my dapper good looks, and my ‘I’m-totally-a-guy’ vibe are everything you ever wanted in a woman.”
2) If she tells you that she loves you but that she isn’t attracted to any boys, including you – you have to let it go. Personally, as a lady who has always dated ladies, I am totally fine with a dude being like, ‘hey, I like you…thoughts?’ What I am not cool with is a dude being like, ‘I am going to be persistent until you change your mind,’ or ‘Maybe we should just try it and you’ll be surprised at your feelings!’
You sound pretty adorable and sweet and nice, so I don’t think you would go that route – but I just wanted to give you fair warning that, in this case, persistence will likely push her away.