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"My best friend keeps bringing up that I have done next to nothing sexual. She does it jokingly, but it’s a very sore subject for me.. I don’t know if it’s just an insecurity of mine or if she’s being insensitive or both? PS I argued that according to a 2006-2008 CDC survey 54% of teens haven’t had sex, but she said that most teens wouldn’t report it. Do you have insights into this subject and to my problem?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

I can’t give you stats because my insight is that your sexual experiences have literally nothing to do with the sexual experiences of those around you. I don’t care how many people your age have or haven’t had sex and how they’ve done it and how many times they’ve done it and with what kind of people they’ve done it, none of that matters.

The bummer in this situation is your friend, making you feel shitty for having a preference. Sex is like anything else in the world. You have to do the things that make you feel best. When you are making decisions about sex, do what it is that you want. Have sex when YOU want, with whom YOU want, how YOU want, and ask for the things that make YOU feel good. It doesn’t matter what your friends and your magazines and your statistics say. Don’t do it just to do it, don’t do it to prove a point, don’t do it because of your age, do it because you WANT to.

Tell your friend just that. She can keep making jokes, but you’ll do the sexy things you want to do when you want to do them, AND once you do them… you might not even tell her because you should only tell people about your sexitimes IF YOU WANT TO. Also, the last thing she wants is for you to have sex with someone you don’t want to have sex with just because she’s pressuring you. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?!?!

Kristin Says:

Agree on all counts HOWEVER, there was a tiny piece of that question that wondered whether or not you were interpreting her behavior a particular way because your were feeling insecure. I want to look at that for a hot second, and give your friend here the benefit of the doubt, just in case that is an important little clue you left for us…

There is a chance that your friend, in truth, doesn’t give a flying fuck when you have sex, what you do, or how you do it. There is a chance that your friend is, in actuality, your friend, and so cares more about you than what you are doing with your body parts. There is a chance your friend thinks that she is making light of a silly thing called sex, but that because this whole goddamned world makes us all feel like sex is a Holy Grail of achievement, that you are hearing her jokes as weighty judgements.

My advice is to start there, and start there in two ways:

1. Think about what Dannielle said. Really, truly think about it. Sex is fun for people who enjoy sex and who are ready for sex, absolutely… but like… it’s not the big mysterious all-powerful monstrosity of a thing that the world makes it out to be. It is bodies on bodies making biology do a thing that makes more biology do things that makes us FEEL GOOD BC OF BIOLOGY. You can get some of the same brain-responses from eating a cookie (I don’t actually know this to be true, but I am sure there is cookie/sex science somewhere?). Like D said, you do things when and how you want to do them and you tell who you want and you move along on your own journey. Anyone who judges you is a total dummy.

2. Talk to your friend!!! In a moment where sex is not at all even remotely being talked about, say, “Listen. You know how you’ve had sex and I haven’t had sex and sometimes you make casual jokes about it? I am having a hard time being casual in my brain, because I feel really conflicted about the fact that I haven’t had sex yet, and I am trying to work through what I even want when it comes to sexy stuff and feeling all sorts of wobbly. Is it cool if we put a temporary hold on the jokes for now, and if I want to talk about things more I will let you know?”

I think the odds are high that your friend will hear you out. Especially as a human who has supposedly had sex, she MUST know that it really isn’t a thing that is the same for any two people or worthy of such pressure. Yeah? Yeah.

***

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01.5.2015
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"How do I be happy surrounded by unhappy people? Im a college student in a very stressful environment. I want to be supportive of my peers when they need it but also not get pulled into the high-anxiety product-oriented mentality."

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

This is difficult, but possible. I find myself in a situation very similar pretty often. It’s like, we get a little bit older and EVERYONE things EVERYTHING is so dramatic. You know? There are so many humans in the world and so many of them can find things to complain about in LITERALLY ANYTHING. I hate it when I’m at an airport and the flight is delayed and people (1) WON’T stop talking about how the flight is delayed and how much that fucks with their schedule / life and (2) when they start yelling at people like flight attendants, gate check humans, information desk people, a whole slew of people who HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH HOW THE FLIGHT IS DELAYED. What is the point?

This happens in all aspects of life, for all reasons, and it sucks. Some people thrive off of that behavior. If they can get out their annoyed or stressed feelings, that makes them feel a ton better. If they just yell at a flight attendant, they’ve expressed their anger, they vented, they got it out. What you’re left with is you (flight attendant) having been vented to, unable to solve the problem, and trying to move on with all of these projected feelings on you.

There are a couple of options: (1) recognizing it’s not about you and their stress is their stress, they’re venting to you because they don’t totally know what to do with the emotion, so they just wanna get it out, (2) take more time for yourself, when your friends are venting / yelling about stress and it’s starting to stress you out, head out early, chill at home and remember all of the reasons you aren’t as stressed out, (3) ask them to curb some of the venting. I think it’s totally cool to be like “hey, I love you so much and I completely understand why you’re stressed, but sometime all of the stress and negative energy just kind of sits on me, and I wasn’t stressed in the beginning so all of a sudden I’ve taken on your stress because I care about you and then I can’t focus on other things.” I think it’ll take a little bit of navigating and maybe more than one talk, but when you soak up other people’s negative it just makes everything a bummer, and I think trying to have that talk is way better than living in that bummer.

Kristin Says:

First of all: you shouldn’t be surrounded by unhappy people.

I know that you have friends and right now maybe the majority of them are bummed the fuck out over this, that, or the other thing — and you can’t just cut them off as friends HOWEVER, I am willing to bet a couple of bucks at least that there are a few people (even if they aren’t close friends) at your college who are stoked on life and excited to kick ass. Find. Those. People.

Again, this doesn’t mean that you ditch your bummed out friends (and more on them in a moment), but it does mean that you take a night or two to hang out with a few new people who make you feel energized and excited and passionate. When I was 20 I had been in NYC under a year, and I was pretty overwhelmed by the entire experience. There was PLENTY of negativity around, but I also found some rays of sunshine. One of them was named Megan — she was a waitress with me in Union Square, and she was full of the best energy I’d ever encountered. We seized upon each other and spent countless nights dreaming about life’s possibilities… and then we formed our own theater company that we had for three years. It was the fucking best. You gotta find your Megan and keep her close.

NOW. Dealing with the negative Nancies: I agree with Dannielle’s analysis, and I would push you to say something to them. BUT, I would structure your conversation in a way that helps everyone stay as positive as possible. Lump yourself into the mass when you talk about negativity, and say something like, “I feel like there is a lot in this world that bums us the fuck out, and for good reason — but I’ve been thinking about it lately and I have an idea. Let’s have one night a week where we fucking gather together to get it ALL OUT. We can complain and yell and express all of our hurt and frustration, and then maybe start a bonfire or eat mac-n-cheese or something to finalize the experience. I want to start to release that shit at once, so that in the day-to-day we can be more free of it. WHAT SAY YOU SISTERS OF THE NIGHT?!” (I got a little carried away, you don’t have to say that part about sisters of the night…)

Maybe they’ll be into it, maybe they won’t… but you’ve made your point, and now it’s up to you to seek out the things that inspire you, and be sure to include enough of them in your orbit so that the Nancies (bummed out BFFEs) don’t bring you down.

<3<3

***

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11.3.2014
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"I did something terrible and snooped on a Facebook chat my girlfriend was having with an ex. I know it was wrong, but I saw her tell him that she’s been considering breaking up with me but hasn’t because I’m ‘too nice.’ It’s a shock b/c she’s always loving up on me and we recently made plans to move in together! I feel like I need to talk to her about it but don’t know how to start. Any suggestions?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

YEESH. Part a. YEESH. It’s like, you snooped. You snoopz you looze… that didn’t work as well as I thought, but my point is your boobear is going to be upset because snooping AUTOMATICALLY implies mistrust.

If you trusted your boobear whole-heartedly, you wouldn’t have felt compelled to look at her Facebook chats at all. It wouldn’t have even occurred to you. This prob is two-fold, (1) something is amiss in your relationship, which is what made you wonder (2) your own insecurities got the best of you and now you feel validated.

AND I feel like (1) can totally feed into (2), which I think that’s might be what’s really going on. I say this because you said “she’s always loving up on me” you didn’t say “we are so in love” or “I am so heartbroken” or “we’ve never had any issues” …You don’t even seem that bummed out about it, tbh. WHICH IS TOTALLY FINE. I think you just need to own up to the fact that things have been feeling off, which is why you were feeling weak / insecure, which is probably why you thought to peep her chats in the first place, which is how you saw what she was saying, which leads to why you are uncomfortable and the two of you need to have a convo.

We all make mistakes, especially when we are feeling insecure or off about something. You snooping will be a hurdle, for sure, but the core of the issue is you and your boo not feeling 100% about your status and that talk needs to happen before you move in together and you just randomly yell “I SAW YOUR FACEBOOKS” while she’s spilling cap’n crunch on her crotch. #capncrunchcrotch

Kristin Says:

Oh yea, please do us all a favor (but mostly yourself), and do not move in with this humanboo until you speak with her about what is up, and do so honestly and whilst being as cool-headed as you can BECAUSE:

While this is certainly a huge yeesh… who the hell knows what kind of conversation she was having with that ex or what her motivations were?! Maybe he’s hurting a bunch and she didn’t know what to say and so she was like YEA WHO EVEN IS HAPPY NOT ME IM NOT HAPPY SO LOOK EVERYTHING IS FINE. That isn’t highly likely, but the thing is you simply cannot know because you discovered this while on a snoop and like Dannielle always says #yousnoopz #youlooze

So: sit your humanboo down and say, “I did something bad and now things are really messy, here is what went down. I was feeling shaky and I fucked up big time and I snooped on your chat and that may be reason enough for you to be furious with me and signal that things aren’t great between us BUT ALSO in my snoop I saw that you were considering breaking up with me so maybe we should talk about all of this.” Then bury your face in the nearest pillow and scream. Then sit up, and talk to her.

People’s feelings are complicated (Avril Lavigne wrote a song about this in 2002), and you cannot get anywhere by snooping (unless you’re my mom in 1994 who found out I let Dan VanWagenen touch my boob while watching the movie ‘Baby’s Day Out’). You must now speak, about your snoopz and about her feels — and the next time you want to snoop, just, well, just watch Baby’s Day Out or something.

Good luck.

***
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09.22.2014
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"How can I be my genuine self around people I feel like I should impress? I always feel like I need to impress everyone and I get all nervous and act kind of sarcastic and I don’t like it because I actually am nice."

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

I think by letting go of the need to impress and focusing on learning about the new people in the room. I know, I KNOW, letting go is difficult. Especially when you’re surround by people whom you ALREADY think are SUPER COOL. I always get into situations with people who rule and I’m like “oh they are funny, so I will not be my normal joke-making self, because that is what THEY do.” Basically, I have your opposite problem. I REFUSE TO IMPRESS PEOPLE. We would make a great team.

Anyway, advice or whatever. Remember that people are going to be most impressed by the real you. In general, humans can tell if you’re trying to impress them, or if you’re holding out on them. So, stifling you, or trying to be a different you, it just doesn’t work. People like YOU. They like the real, actual you. That’s the person they want to get to know.

Second, forgive yourself. This isn’t going to switch over night, you’ll still find yourself in MANY A POSITION where you feel like you’re trying too hard and you’ll be like “stop being the worst, self, just be you, be you, be you” and in that moment, you can take a step back and spend a few minutes just listening to others. If you do that, if you REALLY focus on listening and learning from others, you will become more present. Being present is the easiest way to figure out how to be totally you in these situations. When you’re present, when your focus is on taking in the cool things around you, you’re more likely to accidentally just BE YOURSELF.

We should all remember that accidentally being ourselves is the best way to do things.

Kristin Says:

Preach.

I think that, even if not everyone on the planet has been EXACTLY where you are, we can all certainly understand the feeling of insecurity that creeps up in group situations and makes us second-guess ourselves and act in ways we wish we hadn’t.

This may be an extreme piece of advice (in the TV-version of this advice-post, giant words that said EXTREME ADVICE would have just crashed onto the screen), but what about calling yourself out when it happens? It depends on the crowd and how you are feeling and a bunch of other factors, but if I were hanging with someone and made a joke and they rolled their eyes and me and then froze, looked me in the face and said, “I DO THIS THING WHERE I GET NERVOUS AND THEN AM RUDE AND I AM CURRENTLY WORKING ON THAT, I THOUGHT YOUR JOKE WAS FUNNY, CAN WE START OVER THANKS,” I would have my new best friend.

If that is too tall an order, at least call it out to yourself when it happens. Not in a chastising way, where you get mad at yourself, but more so in a recognizing way. If you do something out of character, check yourself, and just repeat in your own head, “I must be feeling a little uncomfortable right now, because that wasn’t how I wanted to respond.” It may seem small and insignificant, but those moments of clarity do actually start to unravel the inner process.

The last thing I want to tell you is that, in most cases, your actions aren’t permanent. If you met someone and did a few things you weren’t proud of, chances are that person isn’t going to assume the worst of you for the rest of time — if you slowly work on yourself, people around you tend to be really proud of you, very forgiving, and super excited to get to know the real you.

Step by step.

(Day by day)
(A fresh start over)
(A different hand will play.)
(THE DEEPER WE FALLLL THE STRONGER WEEE STAYYYY…)
(WE’LL MAKE IT BETTER… SECOND TIME AROUND.)

08.22.2014
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"How do I find lgbt friends, especially when I’m extremely shy and socially awkward?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

As a socially awkward human MYSELF, I will tell you I feel a lot better about getting to know strangers (which btw we are taught NOT TO DO OUR ENTIRE LIVES) when we are all working toward a goal. So, I’m best at getting to know STRANGERS at events, community projects, or work stuff. If we’re all focused on a thing, we AT LEAST have that in common. You know?

Check out your local (or closest) LGBT*Q center. They almost ALWAYS have events going on, and if not they offer workshops, classes, and volunteer opportunities. Another way to leverage doing awesome stuff within the community is to invite someone you don’t know very well. Is there a gal you’re super into being friends with, but you don’t really know each other? Invite her to the BIG GAY POTLUCK. You can literally say, “Hey, I’m going to this BIG GAY POTLUCK and none of my friends are queer, so I figured it was time to branch out, have any interest in gay themed-snacks?”

I think we all know what it’s like to want more friends in the LGBTQ community and it makes us (as people) feel awesome when someone wants to hang out. It’s even better if you sort of halfway know a couple, that way you can invite them both and you won’t be worried that someone things you’re tryna date. You know?

Also, re: socially awkward, I make a list of talking points in my head before I talk to a stranger. Simple questions about a persons work, hometown, neighborhood, mutual friends, travel, kewl clothes, all of that can make for a good conversation. Hit up that LGBTQ center and make that list. I used to hyperventilate against a wall rather than talk to people I didn’t know that well. It took a lot of practice to become comfortable, but I’m here to tell you it is totally possible. Baby steps. I have so much faith in you.

Kristin Says:

Yup yup yuppity yup. These are all great suggestions.

I will add a couplea things:

1. The Internet. Listen, I am like 407 years old or something, so I don’t know exactly what the KIDS ARE DOING these days, but I do know that there is this f*cking box full of infinite knowledge available to most of us, and that it is a preeeetty incredible way to find out about things happening from a local to a global level. So, spend some time on your social media network of choice and find organizations and humans who let you know about cool shit that’s happening around you. You will be able to meet other people through those avenues, and then BADABINGBADABOOM you have yourself some new lgbt friends.

2. IF you are not out and you are like, BUT I NEED LGBT FRIENDS BUT I CANT ASK MY MOM TO TAKE ME TO A BIG GAY POTLUCK, I’m going to let you in on a little secret. You can find lgbt people doing work that isn’t JUST for lgbt people (ps: if y’all think you can only do work for lgbt humans bc you are lgbt, please note this fact). Is there a local soup kitchen or homeless shelter or domestic violence organization or even a theater or sports or other group you can join? Poke around a little to find out what else is happening in your area, and you might just uncover a little unknown lgbt enclave. Once you are on a team / in a group / etc, feel out the conversation and then let people know you are really into doing work for the community and hope to put your focus on lgbt issues as well in the future. Then they know you are either an ally or a queermo, and you can suss out the situation from there. TADA.

PS: I am SO excited I got to use the word enclave in this post.

PPS: You don’t have to be lgbt to do lgbt work, so you can ALSO stay closeted if you need to and tell your moms-n-pops that you are being a supportive ally.

PPPS: Hiiiiiii, good luck!

06.25.2014
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