, , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

“I’ve been fooling around with my straight best friend for 6 months. Surprisingly, he made the first ‘moves’ and we progressed from there, but we agreed to keep it as ‘friends with benefits.’ But we act like a couple – we do everything together, and we both even say I love you several times a day. The only thing he won’t do is admit we’re ‘together,’ even though our close friends even say we’re a good couple. I call him Mickey (from Shameless) because he won’t admit he’s gay. Do I just wait?”

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Shane Billings Says:

In times like this I find great comfort in the electropop yodeling of Gwen Stefani, whose first solo album demanded that we ask ourselves: What you waiting for? 

Not-so-totally long ago, I fell for a guy who kept small Warhol prints hanging on the wall of his bathroom, each with a different quotation. One, in particular, read: “The idea of waiting for something makes it more exciting.” So I’d be visiting this guy, and I’d be in his bathroom, checking for boogers or stray hairs before smoochy time. And I would see this particular print and wonder… Does waiting actually make it more exciting?

Like, waiting at the DMV never made my registration tags sparkle or shimmer. Two hours in line at Space Mountain maketh not a spacier thrill. Waiting, in and of itself, does not promise meaning or value to the futures we’re hoping for.

So to answer your question: no, you shouldn’t JUST wait. Take your Gwen Stefani moment, and find out what exactly it is you’re waiting for. Waiting for Mickey to admit he is gay could be frustrating and insensitive to the reality that he may be searching for a different way to define his own sexuality.

Instead, pair the waiting with a variety of other things, like a behavioral platter of fruits and soft cheeses. Tell Mickey how you’re feeling about the dynamic in your relationship, and that you love him. Then wait a little.

Enjoy the current status of your relationship, and take pleasure in the fact that you’re able to do everything together. Expand your definition of “everything.” Wait a little more.

Watch a few Nora Ephron movies. Read a few Nora Ephron books. Then wait a little.

In a relationship, waiting can be a courageous act, so long as the waiting doesn’t make you inactive or resentful. Be generous and be kind. Give Mickey time and space to define his sexuality on his own terms. Appreciate your role in his discovery.

**
Support our work on Patreon (and get fun stuff, too)!

04.14.2016
Ask A Question
share:

, , , , , , , , , , ,

"I'm 14 years old, gay, and my dad is in the military so we move around a lot. How do I deal with having to come out over and over again?”

- Question submitted by Anonymous and answered by Shane Billings as part of Everyone Is Gay: Second Opinions

Shane Says:

Dear Over-and-Over-a-Gay:

The coming out process has actually been on my mind quite a bit recently. I’ve noticed that, even ten years after I started coming out myself, it can still be a challenging task. You’re not alone.

The sort-of-bad news is that coming out is rarely a one-stop shop. And by “rarely” I mean sometimes Olympians like Tom Daley date Oscar-winners, then come out with a viral video, so…. if you can pull it off, there’s that option.

But, silver lining! The coming outs can be whatever you want them to be, and can happen however you want them to happen. You have the added challenge of moving around military-family style, which can be exhausting every time you have to rehash your personal intro. But if you add a little creativity to coming out, it can alleviate the anxiety that usually goes hand in hand with being vulnerable around new people.

For example, you could set up a Secrets Booth, where people come to trade secrets with you. That way, you level the playing field when it comes to disclosing personal information. There’s also the right-off-the-bat approach, which goes something like…

“Bonjour, I’m Shane and also gay, smell ya later!”

If you’re inclined towards the written word, some of my closest friends have had positive experiences in writing coming out e-mails. You can preface with something like, “I’m figuring out the best way to do this, so here goes….” Writing letters, e-mails, or private messages gives you the literary freedom and control to articulate yourself the precise way you want.

You’re also totally justified in saying, “I don’t feel comfortable talking about it,” if your sexuality comes up, or you’d rather come out after you get to know people a tad better.

If you let it, coming out can become an ongoing skill and a helpful tool, rather than a burden. My big picture advice: within safety and reason, come out as often as you can. Say it to the mirror, sing it underwater, write it on a bathroom stall. Make prank calls and say, “Hello, I’m gay. Have a wonderful day, sir or ma’am.”

Don’t pass up an opportunity to be courageous, even by yourself. You are an extremely important figure in the big gay narrative. Stories like yours, that demonstrate continuous courage, those are the stories that inspire others to do the same, to be themselves.

It’s an enormous responsibility and a fabulous privilege. Your coming out helps build a safer community, by outnumbering the fears that keep us in the closet. It doesn’t have to be HIGH KICKS and GLITTER every time. But every time a gay kid comes out, a drag queen gets her wigs. Let that comforting thought be the wind beneath your wings.

***

Love Shane’s work? He is a volunteer contributor! Support him on Paypal!

Click through to read more about Shane and our other Second Opinions Panelists!

09.1.2015
Ask A Question
share:

, , , , , , , , , , ,

“There’s this girl who works at a coffee shop that I’m super into, but she just has a high school diploma and I’m working on getting my masters. We’re both into each other, but I can’t get over the fact that she isn’t really doing anything with her life. Am I a horrible person for letting this get in the way?! UGH! How do you handle education inequality in dating?”

- Question submitted by Anonymous and answered by Shane Billings as part of Everyone Is Gay: Second Opinions

Shane Says:

Oh man, those girls in coffee shops…. putting heart shapes in your cappuccino and drizzling their number with chocolate syrup. I hope you don’t even drink coffee, and you’re just ordering it to seem caffeinated and cool for your barista boo-thang.

With situations like yours, it’s important to not let the idea of a thing (the implications of her education level) interfere with the thing itself (your mutual attraction). There’s nothing wrong with wanting specific qualities in a partner, including a certain education level. However, your concern seems rooted in a couple of assumptions – that MAYBE your coffee shop lady doesn’t have an advanced degree because MAYBE she doesn’t have ambitious goals for success, or MAYBE she doesn’t care about her future. Don’t give those “maybes” any control over your love life.

Truth is, your coffee shop lady lover is doing things with her life. Maybe it doesn’t seem like much, but she’s got an income and a love interest… and most people would kill for just one of those (please don’t kill anybody). I’m willing to bet that if you ask her what she’s doing with her life, she’d have an answer. And that’s the fun stuff! Getting to uncover all the details that make a person complex and three-dimensional, those are the things that will anchor your feelings in reality.  Maybe she is, in fact, too cool 4 school. School – especially higher education – is not for everyone, and isn’t a comprehensive metric for success or value in a person’s life. Don’t hold it against her.

So take a hot minute, while you’re sipping your hand-crafted mocha made special by your barista lover, and think about why higher education is important for you in a partner. Then take another minute (OMG so many minutes) and see what Aziz Ansari has to say about dating, specifically how people often realize that the qualities we say we’re looking for… don’t match the partner we actually become interested in.

You’re not a horrible person, at least not in this case. Maybe you don’t pay your taxes, or maybe you fart in crowded elevators. But like I said, “maybes” are just emotional contaminants, and don’t deserve the swaying power they have over our decisions. Don’t let the idea of a good relationship defeat an extraordinary opportunity that looks and feels different from what you expected.

***

Love Shane’s work? He is a volunteer contributor! Support him on PayPal!

Click through to read more about Shane and our other Second Opinions Panelists!

07.7.2015
Ask A Question
share:

, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

“I’m 17 years old and I move around a lot because my parents are in the military. I’m semi-“out” as gay but I have trouble finding supportive people in my life because I’m always moving to another city. How do I form a sustainable support system under these circumstances?”

- Question submitted by Anonymous and answered by Shane Billings as part of Everyone Is Gay: Second Opinions

Shane Says:

Sustainable support systems, in general, are challenging. But don’t fret! Seriously, leave those frets at the door. Because, as it turns out, [*adjusts spectacles*] by writing in with your question, you already sort of answered it… like you incepted yourself… like Joseph Gordon Levitt is dance-fighting through a rotating hallway inside your brain.

What I mean is: online LGBTQ support communities, like Everyone is Gay, can be some excellent starting points in looking for sustainable support. The panelists and I may not know you personally, but we’re here to support you!

You can also take a peek at Everyone Is Gay’s Resource Page this list of LGBTQ Resources from Lambda Legal, organized by state. A lot of the groups listed have online components, ideal for gay tumbleweeds like yourself.

Your family can also be a useful starting point. I know you’re not completely out, so you don’t have to like, cartwheel into the kitchen with your Oklahoma!Original Broadway Cast Recording. Take your time, and be safe.

Try generating small conversations with your parents about your situation, even if it’s just to say “Hey, I have a tough time keeping friends because we move so much.” If anything, it can help lay the groundwork for learning to talk about your personal issues in general. Like your CRUSHES [*starts to sweat*] or even KISSING [*shatters into a thousand pieces from feelings*]

[*sweeps up pieces because they made a mess*]

Okay, and also, can I just say…  No matter where you are, or how many fabulous supportive people you know, the most important person in your support system is YO’ SELF… ahem… yourself.

Learn to create a dialogue with yourself (not in a weird Gollum vs. Smeagel way, but in a cute Hey, Self. I think you’re dope. Keep it up! kind of way).

Do you a keep a journal? I highly recommend it. It’s like having an imaginary pen pal (a.k.a. support system), who always reads your letters because your thoughts, reflections, and feelings are valid. More than anything, it’s great to have a safe and boundless space where you can articulate yourself.

But if journals aren’t your thang… Some people use prayer, some people do affirmations in the mirror. However you choose to do it, learning to be your own support system is an extremely valuable skill, especially when you’re the “forever new kid in town” (potential garage band name???).

And finally, my advice for any person looking for self-support is: find a full-length mirror, throw on your most bodacious I-can-do-bad-all-by-myself music, and leave it ALL on the DANCE FLOOR. Think Kevin Kline from In & Out doing “I Will Survive.” Hell, throw on some high heels and a kimono if you’re feeling it (and trust me, you’re feeling it). Go to it, Tumbleweed! I really believe that once you become the first member of your own support network, others will pick up on it and arrive on their own. And whatever you do, leave those flippin’ frets at the door!

Forever and ever and evarrr,

Shane

***

Love Shane’s work? He is a volunteer contributor! Support him on PayPal!

Click through to read more about Shane and our other Second Opinions Panelists!

04.28.2015
Ask A Question
share:

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

"My mother holds the philosophy that I have to have experience in order to be gay (kiss a girl). I hate that I don’t feel safe or accepted by her, even though we have a terrible relationship. What do I do?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous and answered by Shane Billings as part of Everyone Is Gay: Second Opinions

Shane Says:

Oh man, parents can be the trickiest. It’s like, they hear ONE Katy Perry song and all of a sudden they’re like “If you haven’t recorded a hit single about the girls you’ve kissed, how can you even be GAY?!” You have my complete and genuine sympathy, and if you do feel unsafe, please talk to a responsible adult, or reach out to THESE FOLKS, who are always available to help and support you.

In the meantime, here are some (hopefully) helpful points to keep in mind, and perhaps share with your mom.

Sure, there are SOME things you need to experience before you know whether they’re for you. Like Thai food, or toenail polish. Some things, however, you don’t.  Like, I don’t need to get hit by a Subaru to know it hurts. There are absolutely people who have ~*~ExPeRiEnCeS~*~ that inspire the realization that they are, in fact, gay. But the experience is not a prerequisite, by any means.

And by the way, you are never ever required to verify or demonstrate your identity — not for your mother, or your friends, or for Michelle Obama… if she asks… which would be awesome… but still. Coming Out is extremely important for yourself, but there is no clause in the Gay Commandments that stipulates that price of admission for being gay is the performance of THREE QUEER ACTS.

A couple years ago I stumbled onto this quote:

”The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.”

The PRIVILEGE of OWNING YOURSELF is the part that gets me. Remember that, my friend. Maybe even write it down somewhere, and look at it once in a while to remind yourself that you are your own rainbow.

If you can, keep talking to your mom, or write her a letter, letting her know that you don’t feel safe or supported. At the very least, you’ll have expressed how you feel, and it will help you start doing the work of moving forward. But always remember that there is a community of us out here, always supporting you and always working to create a safe place for you.

***

Love Shane’s work? He is a volunteer contributor! Support him on PayPal!

Click through to read more about Shane and our other Second Opinions panelists!

02.24.2015
Ask A Question
share:
<<