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“So, I did something great for me: I had sexy time with a total hottie. So, yay me. However, said hottie is in an open relationship, which I knew beforehand, and once I was certain of transparency, I went ahead, because hottie. This person is interested in meeting up again, and otherwise I’d be down but – is this weird? Am I now invading on something? To me, once is kosher. More than that seems scandalous. My friends think that it isn’t my responsibility to determine their boundaries. Help.”

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Kristin Says:

Your friend is totally right! Yay for the hottie! Yay for having smart friends! Yay for all the things!

Here’s the deal: right now you only know two words, and you are basing your feels on those two words. What does “Open” mean?! It could mean a bajillion-trillion things. What does “Relationship” mean?! It could mean a deca-quadrillion things. What does “Dodecahedron” mean?! Just asking in general on that one.

Seriously, tho, maybe Hottie is in a relationship where sex with other humans is totally cool in unlimited quantities but romantic relationships with other humans are not okay, maybe Hottie is in a relationship where other relationships of any kind are totally fine, maybe Hottie can only sleep with people who write into Everyone Is Gay with a question (YOU DID IT YOU PASSED THE TEST!), maybe a lot of things… and you aren’t gonna know a thing until you ask a thing.

So, do this: Respond to Hottie. Go sexy time it the fuck up with Hottie. Go to the bathroom and jump up and down when Hottie isn’t looking bc YAY YOU HAD GR8 SEXY TIME AGAIN. Tell Hottie, “Yo, I enjoyed that very much. I want you to know I am kosher (you like to say kosher, just trying to make this natural) with how things are, and would love to know more about the boundaries in your other relationship!”

Then you LEARN and then Hottie LEARNS (bc btw you also should know what you are doing and what you are okay with and what you aren’t and set those boundaries for yourself!) and everyone gets SEXYTIME.

Open relationships are not weird – we are just taught by THE MAN that we are SUPPOSED to do things one way and only one way. Let me spoiler something for you: THE MAN doesn’t ever get anything right. Ever.

PS: Give your friend a high-five for me. <3

***
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05.13.2015
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“I’m a fat girl, and mostly pretty ok with it. However, I can’t help but compare my body to my girlfriend’s, especially when we are naked/having sex. She’s thinner than me and I always end up feeling self-conscious. How do I deal with this internalized fat phobia?”

- Question submitted by Anonymous and answered by Bethany Rutter as part of Everyone Is Gay: Second Opinions

Bethany Says:

Dear Fat Babe,

I’m really glad to hear you’re mostly pretty ok with your body- that’s a lot more than a lot of fat girls, unfortunately! As for your current predicament, and I know quotes are gauche, but as a famous old white dude said: “comparison is the thief of joy.” And I really believe it is.

As someone who dates people of any gender, I often find myself particularly self-conscious when I date and sleep with women, because I know how invasive and pernicious fatphobia is among women, thanks to oppressive patriarchal body standards. But then I just have to think to myself: do I trust this person? Because that’s what it comes down to. Thinking ‘she’s judging me, she’s judging my body, how could she not be?’ stops me from appreciating the fact that she’s there, now. Your girlfriend probably thinks you’re hot as hell, or she wouldn’t be hitting the hay with you. You have to trust that, trust your girlfriend’s excellent taste in women (you).

Your message gives no indication that your girlfriend has expressed dissatisfaction with your lovely fat body, and it sounds like that most of the beef is coming from your own insecurities. I know how hard it is out there for fat babes, but I also know that it’s something only you can change. Having romantic, sexual and platonic relationships with people who treat you great (mind, body and soul) is a good place to start, but if you don’t make strides to keep up with them, then it’s easy to let your insecurities push them away.

My top tips for getting your fat-confidence up are firstly: get to know your body and what it looks like from every angle. You can’t really love something without knowing it intimately and having a frank relationship with it. Look at yourself in the mirror, see what your girlfriend sees when you’re in bed together. Secondly, I would recommend you look at photos of other hot fat babes and reflect on how beautiful they are. Normalize your relationship with attractive fat bodies. Again, put yourself in your girlfriend’s position: try to understand what true beauty she’s beholding when she looks at you.

Ask your girlfriend to tell you why she loves your body, what makes you sexy, why she’s drawn to you. Start to see yourself as she sees you, rather than participating in a patriarchal race that, in this case, has no winners. Comparing yourself to your girlfriend and feeling bad only makes sense if being fat is bad, and it isn’t. You’re undoubtedly a delight, and you’ve found yourself a partner that wants to get naked with you. Don’t waste these great things on self-consciousness and shame!

***

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05.12.2015
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“Hi, I’m in a bit of a moral crisis. My ex has had sex with 50 people in their lifetime and they’re only 22. This bothers me SO much and I want them to know but I don’t wanna seem like a slut-shaming prude. I know I can’t change them so how do I cope?”

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

I think this is complicated for a few reasons. (1) neither of you is in the wrong, so you don’t really have a reason to be like WE NEED TO TALK BECAUSE YOU FUCKED UP OR I FUCKED UP, (2) It isn’t rrrrreally your right to comment on someone else’s sexy numbers, regardless of circumstance, (3) you probably won’t come away from the conversation feeling any better?? Confronting your ex will probably actually make you feel worse.

If you and your ex are good friends and you want to have a conversation about being raised in a society that only celebrates sex when it’s between a man and a woman, and for the purpose of having babies… HAVE THAT CONVERSATION. I think you can actually learn a lot from someone who has had different sexual experiences than you. If you see sex as something sacred and secret and kept for only a few and your ex thinks of sex as something fun and exciting and a way to share an experience with someone, then the two of you have SO MUCH cool shit to talk about. Imagine being able to understand where your ex is coming from and why they feel the way they do and how their growing up and education and community have lead them to feeling that way. AND how cool it will be to understand.

I think it’s important to realize that we are all different human beings. We all feel differently about sex and our bodies. You are not right. You aren’t the one person who has it figured out and does sex the right way. Your ex also doesn’t have all the answers to the correct way to treat sex. You’re two different people and you have your two different answers and you have your two different bodies and you have your two different levels of comfort. The problem ALWAYS comes along when you try to force someone to follow your guidelines. That’s the root of every problem this world has ever had. If we could all just figure it the fuck out, realize that we’re not all the same, recognize that we all need / want different things, be cool with the fact that differences between us are necessary, etc., the world will be on hell of a better place.

Kristin Says:

I agree with every last word Dannielle has said up there, and so I am going to add very little and keep this short:

The way you cope with having negative feelings toward the way someone else approaches sex (even, yes, your ex!) is to think more about why you have those feelings. It is okay that you are feeling things — but it is the inner mechanisms in your brain and heart that are at work here, not the wrongdoings of another person.

I would talk to a close friend or write in a journal or read articles on sex positivity or all of the above… I would not tell your ex that you have feelings about the way they choose to live their life.

Your ex’s choices don’t affect you. Your feelings toward those choices do affect you. Put your focus there. <3

***
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04.27.2015
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"My girlfriend has brought up several times that she wants to try new things in the bedroom, like me hitting and slapping her. I like to think that I’m open to anything, but this BDSM stuff does not feel natural to me right off the bat because I’ve never done - or really thought about doing - anything like this. But I want to make my girlfriend happy. What should I do???"

- Question submitted by Anonymous and answered by Whiskey Blue as part of Everyone Is Gay: Second Opinions.

Whiskey Says:

Hi! What a great question. Thanks for sending it. I’m going to start right from the beginning. Ready?

What is BDSM? The acronym means Bondage, Discipline, Sadism and Masochism. The dynamic consists of a powerplay between a dominant partner and a submissive partner. The practices are countless—from spanking to tying each other up to toys and tools that facilitate creating BDSM scenes between consenting partners.

But what is BDSM really about? Our impulse might be to reduce BDSM to a specific act or set of acts—or a random image of a person tied up in a dungeon—but at its core BDSM refers to a playful exchange of power between consenting partners who have set down boundaries and chosen a safe word to use if anyone begins to feel they’re out of their comfort zone. BDSM doesn’t refer to any specific act, practice, or fetish. It requires trust on both parts, and open communication beforehand so that all parties can come up with the scene (the setting, the practice, toys, anything!) and, most importantly, communicate what is okay and what isn’t okay.

Now, all of this being said, if you don’t want to be slapped you don’t want to be slapped. Maybe you will never want to be slapped. Maybe that’s a hard limit. Maybe one day you’ll be open to it and it can be a soft limit and maybe it will turn out you like it. Maybe you’ll never want to try. All of these possibilities are totally okay and totally legitimate.

As for potentially trying BDSM with your girlfriend, you could start by asking her if there are any specific practices she’s particularly interested in. Maybe she can tell you what she knows about these practices, and why they’re enticing to her. Then you can do any kind of research you want. I think talking about this a few times will greatly relieve anxieties you have about BDSM as a concept, and that talking about specific practices will help you focus on a specific idea or image rather than tackling the infinite world that can be called BDSM. I recommend having multiple conversations with your girlfriend. This way you can take your time. You can avoid feeling rushed or feeling like you’re expected to do anything you’re not ready or willing to do. You can also do some research on your own (here’s a great Salon article about safe sex kink practices for teenagers).

If you decide to explore BDSM with your girlfriend, start out with something that you both can agree on and something that doesn’t scare you. I don’t want to assign any specific value to any specific BDSM practice but… let’s just say you started with the possibility of spanking. Spanking is a popular practice that can be very gentle. Partners can work their way up in terms of intensity depending on needs and desires. The potential for injury or damage is very low if this is done conscientiously. Start off really gentle and go from there. Start off with just one. Start off just talking about it, even.

If spanking is not of interest to you or if it’s triggering, there are other ways to explore a light powerplay. You could go so far (or not far) as to lie down with your arms above your head— pretending you’re bound, pretending you can’t move them. This gives you the sensation of relinquishing control without being physically constrained. Alternately, of course, your partner can lie on her back with her arms above her head, depending on who will be dominant and who will be submissive. You can take turns, too.

You can also write a script! Who is going to be dominant? Who is going to be submissive? Where will the setting be? What will the act be? You can establish hard limits, too, which means that you can explain what you would consider going too far. This ensures that, from the very beginning, you get to establish what is absolutely off the table for this first encounter. Then you can choose a safe word together (Dan Savage’s safe word is popcorn) and use it when one of you wants to stop. Say the spanking is a bit harder than you’d like—popcorn!Say your partner is asking you to slap her in the face but you’re not ready—popcorn! Say you’re not into hanging out tonight—just kidding, I guess you don’t need a safe word for that. Anyway, start by talking it out, then talk it out again, and again. Then take it as slow or as fast as you like, and let me know how it goes.

***

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03.24.2015
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"I am having recurring romantic dreams about a not-too-close-but-good friend. I definitely don't like her like that, but I have them so often that it's becoming hilarious. I want to say something because I feel creepy and it's so funny that I keep dreaming this stuff but will that be awkward?"

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

LOL. I feel like the outcome of this will 100% depend upon how you approach not-too-close-but-good friend (N2CBGF). Let’s be real, if you sit her down and say “Hey N2CBGF, I’ve been having some uncomfortable dreams about us engaging in romantic activity, I’d love to have a conversation about these dreams because I think they are funny, but obviously that is still up in the air, as it may make you feel strange because what if it is based in my unconscious obsession with you…” THEN SHE WILL MAYBE FEEL WEIRD.

Howev, if you say “N2CGBF I KEEP HAVING SEXI DREAMS ABOUT YOU AND IT MAKES ME LOL EVERY TIME I DONT WANT OT HAVE SEXI WITH YOU, BUT IT’S SO FUNNY CAN WE PLEASE LOL TOGETHER THANK YOU”.. she will probs ask you to stop screaming, but also she will be much more likely to LOL with you (per your request).

Just express your actual feels and you’ll be fine.

Kristin Says:

Agree agreeeeeee agreeeeeeeee also pls start actually referring to her as N2CBGF bc I think that will help many facets of your relationship.

Also EVERYONE HOLD THE PHONE I JUST SOLVED YOUR PROBLEMS.

I looked up what sex dreams mean when you are not sexually attracted to the human being sexed-upon. Sorry for saying sexed-upon. The (all-knowing, all-seeing) internet told me that when you have these kinds of sex dreams, if the sex is PLEASURABLE, it means that you would like to have some of the characteristics of the human you are boning. So like, if your friend is super good at keeping commitments and is a good cook, maybe those are things you want to work on/have in your own life and so you SEXI HER IN YOUR DREAM BC YOU WANT THOSE THINGS.

So all you have to do is say, “OMG, for like two weeks I kept dreaming about having sex with you even though NO OFFENSE I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU, and I was like TF does this mean, and then I looked it up and it turns out that it means that I love the way you do your hair and also that you study really hard for your classes and those are things I want in my life, AND THAT IS WHY I DREAM ABOUT DOIN YOU, but I also wanted to tell you bc like, maybe that is also important in making them stop AGAIN NO OFFENSE BUT JUST I like being your friend.” Then take out a water bottle and pour it over your head like they do at the end of sports-games.

I think it will go great.

PS: If the dream-sex is not pleasurable it means you don’t want her worst qualities, in which case this plan doesn’t work. Bye.

***

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01.21.2015
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