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“So my girlfriend is awesome, but I keep comparing myself to her in every way. She’s funnier than me, she’s more outgoing than me, she has so much drive, and I feel like a blob in comparison. How do I cut out this way of thinking?”

Question Submitted by prayerstoyeezus

Dannielle Says:

I think this is dope because you have the chance to be inspired by someone who you love so deeply. You have a person that you admire right in front of you all the time. Learn from her, ask for her help, tell her how impressed you are, and be so grateful that you have someone who can help you become the best version of yourself.

I feel pretty strongly that we should all constantly be working on becoming the best person we can possibly be, it’s like… Who knows why the fuck we’re here, I certainly don’t, but I do know if we all work to leave the world a little better than how we found it, this would such a cool place to live.

I don’t think a relationship can be all that great if you aren’t inspired by the person you’re dating. If you don’t admire that person, if that person doesn’t challenge you to be better, if that person isn’t one of the coolest, most amazing people you’ve ever met, then what are you even doing?

This is all to say you are lucky and yea it’s hard, but totally possible. The things you told us are just v intense compliments. It’s so easy to be like, “YOU ARE SO MOTIVATED, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, YOUR DRIVE IS SO HOT AND I WANT TO KISS YOU” and then later to be like, “also, how do you do it? can you help me try to organize some shit, I want to have that kind of drive.” The person who loves you loves to see you succeed and wants to help you succeed and wants for you to feel so good about everything you’re doing.

It’s also cool to be like, “hey, you’ve been working yourself so hard, we should take a chill night,” or “you’ve been making everyone at this party laugh for 3 hours, and I thought it was so hot the whole time and now let’s take you home and give you some well-deserved intercourse.” Sometimes that balance is so unbelievably necessary and it can be so fun and wonderful. It’s all about perspective, balance, honesty, and everyone feeling cool as fuck.

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08.27.2015
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“I feel like a stupid person because in the past I’ve only been in relationships that were unhealthy. Am I a magnet for all the wrong people, or am I just looking in the wrong way? Please help, I really want to feel good about my ability to give and receive love!!”

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

When I was in high school I read “Perks of Being a Wallflower.” At the time it stung a little, because being in high school stings. As I moved on with my life and forgot about high school / that book, there was one quote that always stuck with me, “we accept the love we think we deserve.” It stuck with me and I never knew why. I don’t think I fully got the quote until very recently.

We all go through the motions of living this life. Our parents put us in school, tell us what we can and can’t do, get mad when we come home late, help us through college, expect us to learn certain things on our own, like our boyfriends, dislike our boyfriends, like our girlfriends, dislike our girlfriends, tell us love is hard, etc. We learn from them, we learn from our friends’ parents, we learn from TV. We watch TV enough to think that husbands are supposed to be annoyed with their wives. We watch movies enough to think that everyone cheats on each other and it’s kind of whatever. We listen to enough songs to think that sex is specifically for dudes and women feeling sexy is specifically for dudes. We see our friend’s mom with a severe dependency on alcohol and we see her wife miserable and afraid to say anything. We see a bunch of shit and it’s really hard to figure out what we deserve, what we think is okay, and how we want to be treated.

I’ve been there. A lot of us have been there. Unfortunately, there aren’t very many good examples of relationships in the world. On top of that, sometimes you can’t know what’s right for you until you’ve been knocked down a few pegs. It sounds terrible, but how are you supposed to know how important sex really is to you until you’ve been in a relationship where it wasn’t treated as important? How are you supposed to really know that you want someone who will inspire you, someone that you can be creative with, someone that you want to hang out with all the time, until you find that person? You kind of have to figure out what’s missing to figure out what to look for.

You also have to have a lot of respect for yourself. You have to recognize how important and beautiful and amazing you are, so that you can see right away when someone isn’t treating you the way they should. You have to really, truly, know what you deserve so that you can see right away when things aren’t good enough.

It takes a bit to get there, but I think you can.

Kristin Says:

I just want to weigh in real quick and tell you that you are absolutely capable of giving and receiving love.

We all are – that is quite literally how we come into this world.

Dannielle is right, you need to work to love and respect yourself. Work at that each and every day and you will slowly start to see that some of the relationships in your life (friends, lovers, or otherwise) aren’t making you feel good… and you will want those to end. You’ll also notice those around you who respect you and who respect themselves… and you will want those to flourish.

It’s funny, we come into the world with all of the tools we need to be healthy, vibrant human beings. Then, the world tells us a whole bunch of foolish and harmful things, and we spend a good chunk of time crawling back to the place where we started – the place where we know our mind and our skin and our heart are beautiful, beautiful things that we get to share with beautiful, beautiful people. <3

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05.27.2015
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“I’m a fat girl, and mostly pretty ok with it. However, I can’t help but compare my body to my girlfriend’s, especially when we are naked/having sex. She’s thinner than me and I always end up feeling self-conscious. How do I deal with this internalized fat phobia?”

- Question submitted by Anonymous and answered by Bethany Rutter as part of Everyone Is Gay: Second Opinions

Bethany Says:

Dear Fat Babe,

I’m really glad to hear you’re mostly pretty ok with your body- that’s a lot more than a lot of fat girls, unfortunately! As for your current predicament, and I know quotes are gauche, but as a famous old white dude said: “comparison is the thief of joy.” And I really believe it is.

As someone who dates people of any gender, I often find myself particularly self-conscious when I date and sleep with women, because I know how invasive and pernicious fatphobia is among women, thanks to oppressive patriarchal body standards. But then I just have to think to myself: do I trust this person? Because that’s what it comes down to. Thinking ‘she’s judging me, she’s judging my body, how could she not be?’ stops me from appreciating the fact that she’s there, now. Your girlfriend probably thinks you’re hot as hell, or she wouldn’t be hitting the hay with you. You have to trust that, trust your girlfriend’s excellent taste in women (you).

Your message gives no indication that your girlfriend has expressed dissatisfaction with your lovely fat body, and it sounds like that most of the beef is coming from your own insecurities. I know how hard it is out there for fat babes, but I also know that it’s something only you can change. Having romantic, sexual and platonic relationships with people who treat you great (mind, body and soul) is a good place to start, but if you don’t make strides to keep up with them, then it’s easy to let your insecurities push them away.

My top tips for getting your fat-confidence up are firstly: get to know your body and what it looks like from every angle. You can’t really love something without knowing it intimately and having a frank relationship with it. Look at yourself in the mirror, see what your girlfriend sees when you’re in bed together. Secondly, I would recommend you look at photos of other hot fat babes and reflect on how beautiful they are. Normalize your relationship with attractive fat bodies. Again, put yourself in your girlfriend’s position: try to understand what true beauty she’s beholding when she looks at you.

Ask your girlfriend to tell you why she loves your body, what makes you sexy, why she’s drawn to you. Start to see yourself as she sees you, rather than participating in a patriarchal race that, in this case, has no winners. Comparing yourself to your girlfriend and feeling bad only makes sense if being fat is bad, and it isn’t. You’re undoubtedly a delight, and you’ve found yourself a partner that wants to get naked with you. Don’t waste these great things on self-consciousness and shame!

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05.12.2015
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“I’m a writer, and I write these really cute girl love stories. Problem: I have too many expectations for a girl because of this. How can I accept that not everyone is going to be the “sweep you off your feet, kiss you till you bleed” type of girl?”

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

DON’T ACCEPT IT. JUST DON’T.

IF YOU STOP HOPING SOMEONE WILL SWEEP YOU OFF YOUR FEET, NO ONE WILL EVER SWEEP YOU OFF YOUR FEET.

I WANT SOMEONE TO SWEEP YOU.

Kristin Says:

You can and will be swept off your feet. It might not be the way you write it, or the way you expect it, but if you allow yourself to experience the moment as it presents itself… you shall be swept. Let them write it.

Like my grandma always said, “If Ross and Rachel can have it, so can you.”

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04.15.2015
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“How do I get over internalized homophobia. It’s stopping me from being myself and I hate it.”

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

The first step is recognizing the internalized homophobia, which you’ve already done, so you are literal LIGHTYEARS ahead of the curve. A lot of us (myself included) don’t realize what’s making us feel awful until way way way way way down the road. AND THEN we figure out that it has to do with how parents, friends, teachers, and society has made you feel about the LGBTQ community. THEN, WHAT’S MORE, how all of those things have made US feel as a member of the LGBTQ community. We’re taught pretty intensely that “it’s OKAY that someone is gay, gay people are cool, but also you’re not a gay person, which thank god bc gay people aren’t as cool” … YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I’d like very much to suggest therapy. There are so many things about the way that we lead our day-to-day lives and how we feel about ourselves that we can’t even begin to understand because we’re IN IT. We can’t understand the outside perspective and we can’t begin to work on it because no one has said “Hey, have you thought about this thing that happened that scared you? Maybe that contributes to you still being afraid.” Having someone help you figure those things out is fucking KEY, y’all. It’s so important.

Maybe therapy isn’t the answer for you, maybe writing your feelings out is, maybe talking to some friends, maybe you need to check out a PFLAG group and hear thoughts from other folks.

I think you’re on the right track and I think you’ll get there. You are doing all of the best things for yourself.

Kristin Says:

Self-forgiveness is a critical part of this, Anonymous.

We are all hardwired by so many of the things and people and words and thoughts that surround us in our day-to-day lives that it becomes a heavy process when we begin to untangle it all. And that, I believe, is why you are feeling things so deeply at this moment… you’ve begun to untangle those ties that bind you. When we are all tied up and, as Dannielle put it, “IN IT,” it is easier to ignore it all and live our lives amidst the tangle as though nothing is wrong. When we begin to see those ties all around us, it can be a sudden and sometimes crippling blow; you are now realizing that you can be more, and that the things and people and words and thoughts that surround you are not true. The journey to combat that within and outside of yourself can seem a harrowing one.

Hell, it can be a harrowing one.

So remind yourself that you’ve just taken the first few steps, and that it is okay if situations and moments arise where those ties pull tight around your chest. Just yesterday I had a conversation with my wife about an experience she had on her flight to Nashville. The woman next to her was very chatty and asked her if she was married and if she was going to have kids and all sorts of other things, and she assumed that my wife was married to man. Well, my wife made the decision not to correct her. Is that wrong? I don’t think so. Does it stem from a place where we are taught that others may think we are less than and so therefore we occasionally occupy that place and remain silent? It sure does. The fragments and pieces of it all are a part of our lives, and they manifest in different ways for each of us. You aren’t bad or wrong for having feelings that creep up and make you doubt who you are. Forgive yourself these moments.

Then, surround yourself with people who believe and fight for equality, people who walk a similar path to your own, and people who love, admire, and believe in you – the complete you. Talk to those people about some of the struggles you have and see if they’ve felt similarly. Recognize the moments when they happen. Journal about them. Practice yoga and meditation if you can, or any activities that help center you on this planet as a worthy, brilliant human being.

It takes time to untangle those ties, Anonymous, but you are doing it. For each one you unravel and drop to the floor, you’ll find a new, shiny piece of yourself to love and appreciate. The real you includes doubtful feelings right now, and that is okay. What the world has taught you, and all of us, is a giant pot full of absolute bullshit. We foster and grow this beautiful community of queer and trans people as a means to fight that bullshit, to re-teach ourselves truth, and to walk each day with our heads held a bit higher.

xoxo

***
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04.13.2015
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