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“i don’t feel radical enough to call myself queer. I feel queer, but i’m not interested in the politics side of it. I’m interested in art, music and humans; My queerness is just one portion of my identity and i feel like other queers judge me because of this. Like I’m mainstream or ignorant about “important” things. I’m not :/”

- Question submitted by Anonymous and answered by Sara Schmidt-Kost as part of Everyone Is Gay: Second Opinions.

Sara Says:

I totally get where you’re coming from. Here’s the thing about identity, it is something you, and only you, get to decide for yourself. Your identity is yours, and it will continue to change throughout your lifetime. As you age, your experiences change your identity in large and small ways. Discovering your sexuality and/or gender identity might be one of the large changes. Figuring out a new talent or making a new friend might be one of the small changes.

I teach middle school, and middle school is a very complicated time of growth and development. I see my students begin to discover their identities, and they struggle while they figure themselves out. They change so much from 6th grade to 8th grade, and I know they’ll keep changing in high school and into adult life. Their struggle (and yours and everyone elses) over identity is totally normal and healthy.

There are many things that make up my own identity. I am a teacher, a coach, a mentor. I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, a roommate. I am a dog owner, a cook, a snowboarder, a beginning golfer. I am a traveler, a photographer, a writer. I am a nerd, an introvert, a liberal, a Hufflepuff. I’m also gay.

I’ve had a few of those identities for a long time, like being a daughter and sister. Many of those identities I’ve only had for a few years. Some of them, like being a golfer, are brand new and I’m still trying them on. Maybe it will fit. Maybe it won’t. And that’s the great thing about identity, you can change it.

My own queerness is still changing ten years after I came out. My queerness used to be a more prominent part of my identity, but over the past few years it has somewhat faded to the background. I used to be much more involved in LGBT politics and activism at my University while I was working on my undergrad. When I graduated, I had other interests I wanted to pursue. Now that I have my teaching position, I don’t have the time or energy to do much LGBT activism, apart from my school’s GSA work. And I don’t think there is anything wrong with that.

As far as “queerness” is concerned, that is your identity for you to own. As the great Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Try not to let others opinions bother you (I know how hard that can be sometimes). Your own queerness is yours. Other people’s queerness is theirs.

There are many ways to be queer. Being radical, activist, or political is one way. Being interested in art, music, and humans is another. There’s nothing wrong with being mainstream, just as there is nothing wrong with being alternative. It’s like taste in music. There’s nothing wrong with liking One Direction, or Taylor Swift, or Haim, or Bon Iver, or Jeremy Messersmith, or Nirvana, or Nicki Minaj, or Billy Joel, or Beethoven. Or all of the above. Or none of the above.

The only thing wrong is judging other people for their interests and identities. Everyone wants to be included, and when we start excluding members of our own community because they’re “not queer enough”, we’re only damaging our own cause. As long as they’re not hurting anyone, live and let live. Enjoy your stuff, and let others enjoy theirs. Claim your identity and let others claim theirs.

***

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11.18.2014
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"What is an appropriate way to out myself in a job interview if they don’t ask the diversity question? Last time, all I could think of was ‘As a gay person, I believe in equality in the workplace and beyond’ but that seemed unprompted and awkward in hindsight."

- Question submitted by Anonymous and answered by Sara Schmidt-Kost as a part of Everyone Is Gay: Second Opinions.

Sara Says:

Great question! I think there are a few different ways a person can out themselves in an interview that won’t come off awkward or unprompted.

First, please check and make sure you live in a state that has protective laws in place for LGBT people in the workplace. Unfortunately, the federal Employment Non-Discrimination Act hasn’t passed Congress yet, so there is no nation-wide law in place. However, some states, like where I live in Minnesota, have passed laws that protect workers from being discriminated against or fired for identifying as LGBT. If there is no law in your state, it could be detrimental to your potential employment.

When you are applying for jobs, there are ways to hint at your sexual orientation in your resume and/or cover letter. Include on your resume time you’ve spent volunteering with LGBT organizations, leadership roles or internships with LGBT organizations while in college, and clearly spe it out in a Special Skills section if you have one. For instance, using terms like “Cultural Diversity,” “Multicultural Sensitivity,” “LGBT Issues,” or other similar terms can signal to those interviewing you of your orientation, or at least your social justice mind-set. You can also include those terms or out yourself in your summary on your LinkedIn profile if you have one.

In the actual interview, you can answer questions in ways that out yourself, such as you stated above. As long as you practice answering questions this way and are confident in your answer, it won’t come off as awkward. Use examples. Mention any work you’ve done with LGBT organizations, anything you learned in college, or any other life experiences that would be relevant. You can always research common interview questions on the internet, or even ask the company for a copy of the questions they ask so that you can prepare.

Speaking of preparing, that’s another great thing to do before your interview. Research the company you’re applying for a job with and check to see if they have a policy about sexual orientation/gender identity. Come prepared with that information and any other information about the company. You can also ask your interviewer during the “do you have any questions for us” section at the end of the interview what their company’s policy is on sexual orientation/gender identity, or about same-sex marriage benefits, anything like that.

You can always out yourself during the “tell us a little about yourself” section, too. You may want to practice that a few times if you choose to out yourself in that way. Rehearse what you’re going to say, and make sure it sounds good to you. The more prep you can do for an interview, the better!

Plan for it. Rehearse what you want to say. Go into the interview confident that you are prepared, that you are qualified for the position, and gosh darn it, that you deserve a job! Now go rock that interview!

***

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09.30.2014
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“Hi, my friend Martin and I are looking to start an LGBT youth group in a small town in Georgia. We both had GSA’s in our high schools when we lived in Wisconsin and want to start one here since neither of the high schools have one here. It will be outside school; we are looking into using library space. We also won’t be asking for donations, so we won’t have to claim as a non-profit. But one challenge we do face is that we are 19 and 20. Do you have any advice for us?”

-Question submitted by loundhazza and answered by Sara Kost as a part of Everyone Is Gay: Second Opinions

Sara says:

Thanks for writing! I think it’s great that you’re looking to start an LGBT youth group, especially in a rural area where access to information about LGBT communities can be limited or nonexistent. Your idea about using a library space is a good one. Libraries are a great place to meet for free or limited cost, and they provide good cover for any youth who isn’t out or has homophobic family. I mean, what parent wouldn’t want their child to go to the library more?

I suggest you begin by thinking about what your group will look like. What do you want the youth to get by attending your group? Do you want an educational space? Social? Activist? A mix of all three? Early on ask your youth members what they’d like to get out of the meetings. Your youth members’ needs may be different from your own. Pay attention to that. As Youth Leaders, you should attend to your members’ needs first; their needs are most important.

I asked a few students from my GSA for their advice, and they told me that they think you should start your youth group slowly. Don’t jump right in and start talking about really heavy topics like bullying or depression or suicide, even if your group wants to talk about those kind of topics right away. Get to know your members and build a trusting community first. My students said that their favorite thing about our GSA is that we are a very close community because we spend a lot of time at the beginning of the school year playing games and doing ice-breaking activities to get to know one another. Even though some of my students were confused why we weren’t doing more LGBT related things, they understood by the end of the school year how important that getting-to-know-you process was. Once we created a positive and supportive group, then we moved on to heavier things.

Also think about how to create a safe space for your members. I recommend you create some norms and expectations to read at the beginning of each meeting so that the youth will understand what behavior you expect from them. Things like “What’s said at the meeting stays at the meeting,” or “Pay attention and be respectful when others are speaking,” or “Speak your truth and assume good intentions,” or “Everyone is at different levels of learning and sharing.” And maybe create a contingency plan for any drama or conflict that might occur and what you as leaders can do to resolve conflict.

Don’t let your age or lack of experience deter you from making a great youth group. Use the knowledge you gained through the GSA’s at your high schools to guide you to create the space your youth members need it to be. Your meetings don’t have to be formal or even strictly planned out for your members to get a lot out of them. A sense of community, camaraderie, and support are the most important things you can provide to your youth members.

***
Click through to read more about Sara and our other Second Opinions panelists!

Everyone Is Gay has started a new project to help parents who have LGBTQ kids: Check out The Parents Project!

08.29.2014
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“Hi, my friend Martin and I are looking to start an LGBT youth group in a small town in Georgia. We both had GSA’s in our high schools when we lived in Wisconsin and want to start one here since neither of the high schools have one here. It will be outside school; we are looking into using library space. We also won’t be asking for donations, so we won’t have to claim as a non-profit. But one challenge we do face is that we are 19 and 20. Do you have any advice for us?”

-Question submitted by loundhazza and answered by Sara Schmidt-Kost as a part of Everyone Is Gay: Second Opinions

Sara Says:

Thanks for writing! I think it’s great that you’re looking to start an LGBT youth group, especially in a rural area where access to information about LGBT communities can be limited or nonexistent. Your idea about using a library space is a good one. Libraries are a great place to meet for free or limited cost, and they provide good cover for any youth who isn’t out or has homophobic family. I mean, what parent wouldn’t want their child to go to the library more?

I suggest you begin by thinking about what your group will look like. What do you want the youth to get by attending your group? Do you want an educational space? Social? Activist? A mix of all three? Early on ask your youth members what they’d like to get out of the meetings. Your youth members’ needs may be different from your own. Pay attention to that. As Youth Leaders, you should attend to your members’ needs first; their needs are most important.

I asked a few students from my GSA for their advice, and they told me that they think you should start your youth group slowly. Don’t jump right in and start talking about really heavy topics like bullying or depression or suicide, even if your group wants to talk about those kind of topics right away. Get to know your members and build a trusting community first. My students said that their favorite thing about our GSA is that we are a very close community because we spend a lot of time at the beginning of the school year playing games and doing ice-breaking activities to get to know one another. Even though some of my students were confused why we weren’t doing more LGBT related things, they understood by the end of the school year how important that getting-to-know-you process was. Once we created a positive and supportive group, then we moved on to heavier things.

Also think about how to create a safe space for your members. I recommend you create some norms and expectations to read at the beginning of each meeting so that the youth will understand what behavior you expect from them. Things like “What’s said at the meeting stays at the meeting,” or “Pay attention and be respectful when others are speaking,” or “Speak your truth and assume good intentions,” or “Everyone is at different levels of learning and sharing.” And maybe create a contingency plan for any drama or conflict that might occur and what you as leaders can do to resolve conflict.

Don’t let your age or lack of experience deter you from making a great youth group. Use the knowledge you gained through the GSA’s at your high schools to guide you to create the space your youth members need it to be. Your meetings don’t have to be formal or even strictly planned out for your members to get a lot out of them. A sense of community, camaraderie, and support are the most important things you can provide to your youth members.

***
Click through to read more about Sara and our other Second Opinions panelists!

Everyone Is Gay has started a new project to help parents who have LGBTQ kids: Check out The Parents Project!

07.29.2014
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"I am gay and about to graduate. My teacher is gay and recently divorced. We spend a lot of time outside of school together and she regularly talks about visiting me in college and how she’s gonna miss me so much. I can’t tell what her feelings are, but I know I am in love with her. Should I just ignore my feelings and see if it goes away once I leave?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous and answered by Sara Schmidt-Kost as a part of Everyone Is Gay: Second Opinions

Sara Says:

Thanks for your question! This is such a tough subject, with many separate issues to consider.

First, I think it’s important to understand that teacher/student relationships are very tricky to navigate from both sides. An essential part of a teacher’s job is to build relationships with their students, to be a mentor and support them as best they can. But when that relationship crosses the line from professional mentoring into something more, things can get tricky. I think you are walking a very fine line here, one that has the potential to get both you and your teacher in trouble personally and professionally. Given the sentence about not knowing how your teacher feels, I’m going to assume nothing inappropriate has happened between you both yet. Do everything you can to keep that from happening. Careers and lives can be ruined by crossing that line from student/teacher to something more romantic.

Full disclosure, I had a teacher in high school who was caught allegedly texting inappropriate things and soliciting sex from one of my classmates. This has influenced my opinion on teacher/student relationships.

There are power dynamics in a teacher/student relationship that must be considered as well. A teacher is in a position of power and influence over impressionable children and teenagers, and as such, teachers must be cautious when developing close relationships with their students. In the “mainstream” society, the fear about LGBT teachers “influencing” children still exists, and I believe LGBT teachers (and all teachers for that matter) need to be cautious in their actions, if only to protect themselves from untrue accusations. I recognize this is probably an extreme point of view, however I think it’s the reality of the world we live in. Obviously students are bound to get crushes on young teachers, but I think teachers should discourage that from happening as much as possible. Especially as a lesbian, I am very aware of the boundaries I set up with my students because of a potential situation like this arising. While working with my students, I make sure that my interactions with them are always appropriate and professional.

In addition, there are many ways teachers can mentor and support their students, but it sounds as though your teacher has been relying on you for support after her divorce. Please understand that a teacher’s work should be to support their students, not to receive support from them. Your teacher needs to find a more appropriate means of support for herself, so she can support you while you prepare for your transition into college.

Since you’re off to college soon, start looking ahead at all the excitement and adventure waiting for you. Maybe your college has an LGBT group you can join. Maybe your future college roommate has a friend from her hometown who would be perfect for you. Maybe there will be a wonderful, gorgeous stranger in one of your exciting college courses, and your eyes will meet from across the classroom and… Anyway, my point is, there are so many possibilities out there. Don’t hold yourself back because of your teacher. Jump in feet first to the college life of 10 A.M. classes, afternoon naps, midnight cram sessions, and house parties! Do everything you can to enjoy this part of your life. You’re only young and in college once.

Hopefully once you immerse yourself in college life, your feelings for your teacher will subside. If you’re so inclined, you can keep in contact with your teacher while you are in college. As a young adult, it can be helpful to have a mentor to guide you through the tricky parts of being a young adult and entering the work world. (Networking! Am I right?) But please, keep it cordial but not intimate. As you venture out into the world, it’s important for you to be able to distinguish a professional relationship, like those with a mentor, teacher, boss, or coworker, from a platonic friendship. This relationship should stay strictly professional.

***
Sara Schmidt-Kost is an out, queer Educator in Minneapolis, MN. Read more about her and her work on our Second Opinions page!

05.20.2014
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