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"Is 'uhauling' a bad idea? I hooked up with someone I was casual friends with for the first time just over a week ago, and it was like something clicked. We've been hanging out and/or talking every day and it's just so easy and wonderful and makes me really happy. I really really like her and for the first time feel like I've found something that I really want to become serious and really want to last. But if one of my friends were doing this I'd tell her to cool it and take her time. Thoughts??"

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Kristin Says:

Ooooookay okay okay okay great news: you just answered YOUR OWN QUESTION. Let me help you find it. Ready:

“If one of my friends were doing this I’d tell her to cool it and take her time.” – you, just now, being very wise.

“I’d like to move in with a girl who I made out with for the first time one week ago.” – you, just now, being not-nearly-as-wise.

U-Hauling, so to speak, is a term oft used to describe lesbians who move in together quickly. Now, “quickly” is a relative term (as is “lesbians” wheee), so I can’t really place a judgement on the entire PRACTICE of U-Hauling (and like, let’s be clear, we could probably all have a nice sit-down chat about the roots and usage of the phrase and get a good rousing back and forth going on our related feelings, but for now ADVICE). What I can say to you, Anon, is that ONE WEEK IS TOO FAST FOR GOD’S SAKE. That might even be too fast to be called U-Hauling. Maybe that would be called Rocketshipping. Or something.

You are having a GREAT time. That is GREAT.

How. Ever. This is akin to you discovering you love jelly beans, and then going to the store to buy 100 bags of jellybeans, then painting your room with jelly beans, then buying a jelly bean costume, then composing a song about jelly beans, then renaming yourself jelly bean. Chances are, jelly bean, you’re gonna hate jellybeans reaaaaaallll quick after that spree.

If you love jelly beans so much, just get yourself some jelly beans and sit down on a comfy couch and be like *snacking noises* MMMMMMM I love jelly beans! Applying this to your current situation, you can just sit down on a comfy couch with girl-you-adore and be like *kissing noises* MMMMMM I love girl-you-adore! YOU CAN EVEN CALL HER JELLY BEAN!

My point (I have one!) is that you can enjoy a good thing without having to take all of the steps to commitment-land right this very instance. In fact, you moving in so quickly makes me feel like you’re panicked that it might slip away… and I can’t say this strongly enough: moving in together does not mean you are securing a forever. Hell, marrying someone and even having babies with them doesn’t secure a forever. Nothing secures a forever, which is why falling in love is so terrifying and wonderful all at the same damn time!!

I advise you to enjoy this person. I advise you to feel terrified every minute, and to feel glorious every minute, and to imagine your wonderful castle in the clouds that you will build out of cotton candy some day. I advise you to appreciate the tiny, wonderful parts of not living together now, because once you move in, those tiny, wonderful parts won’t be there anymore! Do you know how much I miss getting ready for a date and showing up and being like BADOW DON’T I LOOK FLY?!?! Now my wife watches me toss clothing all over all the rooms while I hunt for the perfect outfit, or she just gets to hang out with me in sweatpants bc why not?! You’ll get to sweatpant-land, too, don’t worry (and there are parts that are lovely), but enjoy the now while you are in it!!!!!

Breathe in. Breathe out. Unpack your bags. Kiss the girl you love.


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“I’m starting college in September and I decided to live in a single this year because I’m just starting to transition. I’m worried about living alone and missing out on the social scene. I know I want a roommate in the future, but how should I go about finding one and talking to them about my identity?”

- Question submitted by Anonymous and answered by Liam Lowery as part of Everyone Is Gay: Second Opinions

Liam Says:

Let me start out by saying how excited I am for you! Congratulations to you for making the tough choice to room in a single and not let the FOMO get the best of you. You deserve this time to focus on all the changes in your life—transitioning into college life as well as your gender identity— and trust that friends will come.

First and foremost, when you talk about your identity with folks at school, be patient with yourself. You are new at this. You will make mistakes. Sometimes you will wait too long to tell people, other times you will say something sooner than you wished. Especially when you are meeting new people.

But part of the goal of college is for you to meet new people, of all sorts. You will, I’m sure, be one of, if not the, first trans person many of your classmates have met. And they will, likely be one of, if not the, first _____ (insert any type of person) you have met.

To that point, in order to make sure you don’t miss out on the social scene: make yourself do things. Living in a single room and transitioning, it’s natural to isolate yourself a bit—so just be aware of that and stay plugged into events at school, attend club meetings, try things out. Make a calendar and get yourself out there.

As far as finding a roommate next year, I would recommend trying to live with someone you feel comfortable with—this might mean someone from the queer community, or it might mean finding someone who is super into Dr. Who and likes to silly-dance to old Ke$ha songs while cleaning the floor.

The biggest thing to remember is that your unique needs as a trans person are of equal worth (if not greater) than any other preferences you may have.

When I first roomed with someone in college, a randomly assigned cisgender straight woman, I was nervous my identity and the correlating needs I had would be taken less seriously than, say, her allergies. I was pleasantly surprised when, after I came out, she suggested we come up with roommate policies to address my concerns.

For a while, this included a blanket policy against nudity (dysmorphia was rough), scheduling time for us each to be alone in the room privately (a.k.a. when I would take my binder off and sit in front of a fan), and a policy limiting room-visitors to those who were pre-screened as non-transphobic. (Yes, in case you are wondering, this person was the best and we are tight to this day).

Your room or apartment is your home, and you deserve to feel totally comfortable. For me, that meant being out to everyone who walked in the door. For you, that could mean being stealth, or not talking about this aspect of who you are unless you feel safe and know your roommate is cool. Whatever it is, you deserve it, and you should find a roommate who will respect your needs.

This year is a really good time for you to figure out your boundaries, and find someone who you like and think is a good fit. Trust me, it is easier to figure it out on your own and let someone now than to try and figure it out with another person.

But this same principle relates to making friends in college more generally. An absolute base-line is that the person not be transphobic, but good friends will support and love you, and be extra tender and listen harder to your needs relating to being trans.

Recently, I was in that time period where a cool acquaintance was becoming a friend. You will be experiencing this a lot, once you are in school. This person seemed really cool— though she identified as straight and cisgender, I was able to talk with her about being trans and it was not weird.

Then, one day, as often happens when you are trans (even after you transition, wait and see!) someone did something transphobic. It was one of those micro-aggressions that typically roll off my back, but for whatever reason, on this day, it was too much. I had a lunch date with this new friend, though, and sat picking quietly at my lunch when she asked, “You seem upset, what’s up?”

I told her what happened, and not dispassionately. She nodded, shook her head, and said “what in the actual f“ when appropriate. And, as you’d think, it felt much better to have talked to someone. Most of all though, it felt good to know my friend was as cool as she seemed.

“Thanks for letting me talk about this stuff,” I said, suddenly embarrassed and looking down at my feet while we walked back from lunch “And like, being an ally or whatever.”

She scoffed and raised her eyebrows. “I don’t need a title,” she said, cocking her head at me, “I’m not doing anything, I am just not being an actual pile of garbage.” I laughed, but she turned and looked at me dead in the eye, “That’s pretty much the absolute least you deserve.”

And that is how I knew she was not just a friend, but a good friend.

In school, you will meet many cool acquaintances, friends, and if you’re lucky, some good friends. But remember that your trans identity is not a negative, and that you deserve to be listened to and respected. As you meet more people, look for the ones who treat you that way—those who do so without fail, and without you having to ask—and keep them close to you through college and beyond. These people also tend to make very good roommates.

Good luck and have a great first semester!


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"(Tegan & Sara voice) Everything is awful / Everything’s the worst when you kiss your roommate / Everything is awful / When you wish you could date… So I live with two of my very closest friends. I kissed one of them last night and it nearly progressed a lot further. We can’t tell our other roommate because she’ll feel betrayed and might even move out. How do we live with ourselves? How do we prevent this from happening again even though we both kind of want it to?"

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

(Tegan & Sara voice) Everything is awesome / Everything is awesome / Everything is cool….

YOU FOUND SOMEONE THAT YOU WANT TO KISS AND THAT SOMEONE WANTS TO KISS YOU BACK. That is fucking dope. Are you kidding me?? People all over the world are falling over with envy bc we are all search for lips that match our own and you FOUND SOME.

I don’t understand why your roommate would feel betrayed?? People fall in like all the time???? You can’t help how you feel!?!? What does Roomie3 expect from the two of you?! Ultimate devotion?!

If the two of you are honest with Roomie3, she should make a little room for some understanding. It’s difficult living with a couple, for sure, but you JUST started making out, you aren’t a deep-committed-forever-relationships YET, you know?

Sit her down, tell her that stuff happened and turns out you like each other. If she’s weirded out, ask her if there’s anything you can do to make her feel more comfortable. You should totally respect her space and not hump each other on her vanity, or whatever, but you are def allowed to fall in like with your roomie.

Kristin Says:

(Tegan and Sara voice) All I want to get is / A little bit closer / All I wanna know is / Can you come a little closer?



You guys. You cannot stop feelings. The more you try to stop feelings, the more intense the feelings get, and the more dramatic everything becomes. You kissed your roommate. That means she is no longer just your roommate. You are going to keep making out. What happens from there I cannot tell you and shit might get sticky (lol) and maybe feelings will get weird… but you have to go through it.

Tell your third roommate. Feel free to show her this post, or just be like, “I MEAN HAVE YOU EVER HAD A FEELING” and she should get it and understand and chill. So long as you both act like responsible adults, this shouldn’t affect her very much at all. Respect lease agreements. Don’t make out during group TV time. Don’t leave your vibrator in the shower. Spend some time with her NOT as a couple. Do your chores. Tada.

Also you didn’t ask for this advice but DO NOT SLEEP IN EACH OTHER’S BEDS EVERY DAMN NIGHT. You must have respect for space in a situation like this and you MUST BE STRICT ABOUT IT.

Good talk.

This post brought to you by Tegan & Sara™


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"Any advice for dorm room shopping?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:


Two things I love (1) shopping (2) saving space.

First of all, Target is a college gold mine. I know it’s semi-annoying to have all the same underbed boxes as everyone else, but who gives an eff AND YOU CAN DECORATE THEM WITH STICKERS. Underbed boxes are cool because you can store your out-of-season clothes in them. AM I THE WORST? WHO AM I.

Target, Ikea, The Container Store, STORAGE IS SO IMPORTANT. Unless you don’t have a lot of shit, in which case, IGNORE ME. I think college dorm is the perfect time to decorate in all of the ways you’ve always wanted to, you can finally put the picture of your friend mooning the camera, you can finally put up a Zoey 101 poster, you can finally have a chalkboard for your friends to draw marijuana leaves on… maybe don’t tho bc who knows what your RA will be mad about. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

Fluorescent lighting sucks and will make your selfies look terrible, so get some stringy lights. Keep at least one bowl and one spoon in your dorm bc WE ALL KNOW you’re going to want cereal after the caf is closed and you’ll buy a box and a milks and you’ll get to your room and cry while eating dry cereal bc you didn’t listen to me telling you to buy one bowl and one spoon. Get a smell good candle bc you’re in a small space with cement walls and no ceiling fan (read: similar to jailz).

Keep your shit clean. Anything is cute if its yOU… it’s only not cute if there are bugs or chunky milks or sticky shitz on the floor, etc.

Kristin Says:


You may not be able to use candles because everyone is convinced college humans start fires as a hobby (which might hold some truth), so in place of Dannielle’s candle suggestion, might I suggest POTPOURRI?

…you guys.
I am kidding.
Imagine potpourri in a dorm room?
I hope you don’t even know what potpourri is.

Okay so, seriously, though – I know FEBREEZE is like, an invention from the 1840s at this point, but that shit works, and you will thank me when your comforter smells like a comforter and not a butt.

SHOWER MOTHERFUCKING SHOES. Let’s be real here, everyone. No one wants their delicate lovely feet touching the same surface as every other human on your dorm floor. Gross gross gross gross nope thanks bye.

GIANT LAUNDRY BAGS. Laundry in college tends to get done when you have to wrap yourself in an old bedsheet because everything else is dirty, so come prepared.

HOT POT. Do people still use these? This was my all time most prized possession in college. Dining Hall closed? Who TF cares I have my box of mac and cheese and my bathroom sink and my hot pot and my spoon/fork (thanks, Dannielle), and I can eat at 3am IF I WANT TO.

TINY TRAMPOLINE. Everything else was practical, but if I had to tell you the best part of my freshman dormroom from an impractical standpoint, it was my miniature trampoline. It took up about 1/3 of our limited floorspace but it’s COLLEGE WHO CARES, and you could bounce on it or sit on it while writing papers at 3am (3am is a v busy time in college), or invite people over to see it when you really just wanted to make out with them, OR MAKE OUT ON IT… the possibilities are endless.

This has been a great chat.
I want to go back to college.



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"How do I tell my girlfriend I don’t want to move in with her? I don’t want to hurt her feelings but I don’t think living together already is the best thing for me."

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

With your mouth and your words.

It seems like a really dramatic, horrible, uncomfortable thing. HOWEVER, the more calm, cool, and collected you are, the better. Right now you’re like ‘I’M GOING TO HURT HER FEELINGS BC I DONT WANT TO LIVE WITH HER’ but in reality, you just need more time. You aren’t saying “i don’t love you” or “i don’t like being with you” or “i don’t want to live with you.” You’re simply saying you need more time, you like having your own space, and you look forward to leaving that alone time to go see your boo.

Different people need different things at different times. You have to be on the same page and she has to be down with it. There is no way I could live with someone right now. I’m just not at a place in my life where I would feel okay sharing all of my space and time with another human. Talk to me in six months, maybe things will be different, but like that’s where I’m at, y’all.

Be honest with her. You needing your own space for a little longer should not be a deal breaker. You still love her, you still want to be around her all the time, you still think she’s the fucking best. Tell her that.

Kristin Says:

I agree wholeheartedly with Dannielle — and I also think it really commendable that you know yourself enough to know what you need. I was not nearly so aware on the first few go-rounds with my girlfriends… moving in always seemed like a completely reasonable thing, and I rarely thought about the long-term meaning of such a decision.

There are a ton of totally fun and wonderful things that happen when you move in with someone, sure. You can (and should) talk about those positive elements and explain that you ARE excited to take all of her clothes from her all of the time, that you ARE excited to never have to pack a bag again, and that you ARE excited to make fun of her morning routine of spilling coffee on each and every one of her pajama shirts. Start the conversation there, so that she has a foundation of love and support.

There are also, however, many excellent reasons to wait on moving in with your boo. Getting to pick her up for a date-night is a romantic moment that isn’t as common once you live in the same house, getting to miss each other when you take your “alone nights” is also something that will rarely happen. Explain that you want to be with her, and that moving in is important to you in the longer term, but that you want some more time to explore and enjoy those elements that only come from living apart.

It’s okay to hurt people’s feelings sometimes — even when you love them. In fact, it’s inevitable. She may be sad, and she may even be a bit unreasonable at first… try to support those feelings (it’s easy to feel insecure!), and remain strong in how much you DO care, and how that caring for you and your relationship is what is informing your choices.