“I’ve been fooling around with my straight best friend for 6 months. Surprisingly, he made the first ‘moves’ and we progressed from there, but we agreed to keep it as ‘friends with benefits.’ But we act like a couple – we do everything together, and we both even say I love you several times a day. The only thing he won’t do is admit we’re ‘together,’ even though our close friends even say we’re a good couple. I call him Mickey (from Shameless) because he won’t admit he’s gay. Do I just wait?”
-Question submitted by Anonymous
Shane Billings Says:
In times like this I find great comfort in the electropop yodeling of Gwen Stefani, whose first solo album demanded that we ask ourselves: What you waiting for?
Not-so-totally long ago, I fell for a guy who kept small Warhol prints hanging on the wall of his bathroom, each with a different quotation. One, in particular, read: “The idea of waiting for something makes it more exciting.” So I’d be visiting this guy, and I’d be in his bathroom, checking for boogers or stray hairs before smoochy time. And I would see this particular print and wonder… Does waiting actually make it more exciting?
Like, waiting at the DMV never made my registration tags sparkle or shimmer. Two hours in line at Space Mountain maketh not a spacier thrill. Waiting, in and of itself, does not promise meaning or value to the futures we’re hoping for.
So to answer your question: no, you shouldn’t JUST wait. Take your Gwen Stefani moment, and find out what exactly it is you’re waiting for. Waiting for Mickey to admit he is gay could be frustrating and insensitive to the reality that he may be searching for a different way to define his own sexuality.
Instead, pair the waiting with a variety of other things, like a behavioral platter of fruits and soft cheeses. Tell Mickey how you’re feeling about the dynamic in your relationship, and that you love him. Then wait a little.
Enjoy the current status of your relationship, and take pleasure in the fact that you’re able to do everything together. Expand your definition of “everything.” Wait a little more.
Watch a few Nora Ephron movies. Read a few Nora Ephron books. Then wait a little.
In a relationship, waiting can be a courageous act, so long as the waiting doesn’t make you inactive or resentful. Be generous and be kind. Give Mickey time and space to define his sexuality on his own terms. Appreciate your role in his discovery.
**
Support our work on Patreon (and get fun stuff, too)!
In Bed: Brittani Nichols
Episode 3 of "Getting In Bed With Kristin" brings Brittani Nichols - actor, comedian, writer, and "esteemed lesbian" - to my guest bed! We answer a bunch of your questions (and some questions from Jenny Owen Youngs, who refused to be left out), a little bit of advice, and we find out that I am really, really horrible at telling jokes!
“I’ve been with my girlfriend for two years now, and whilst I adore her, things are becoming a little strained. She’s started a new job, hates her manager and is having a rough time, whilst I’m super stressed over finishing my Masters degree. I want to be as supportive as possible for her, but I’m having a hard time too. Help!”
- Question submitted by Anonymous
Kristin Says:
Okay. I’ve totally got this one… because I’ve TOTALLY been exactly where you are slash kind of ARE where you are and I had a revelation yesterday while I was on a dock by the ocean thinking thoughts. Here we go. When we get into long-term relationships with people, we tend to feel incredibly comfortable being open, honest, vulnerable, and vocal about the things that are going on in our lives. That’s an amazing thing on most levels, because it means being connected and allowing for someone else to comfort us in our weak moments.
HOWEVER. We also tend to get so comfortable in that space that we forget that our emotions and moods (and expression of those things) has a big impact on our loved ones. Your girlfriend is struggling and you are stressed and you need each other to lean on, yes… but you’ve crossed a threshold where those struggles/stressors are actually making you LESS able to be a good partner. (Mayday! Mayday! *pulls alarms*) You now need to do two things:
1. Most importantly, you need to talk to your lovely girl (let’s call her Pasta bc I’m hungry) and explain where you’re coming from, gently and with lots of love. When she is having a good, calm moment, pull her close and say, “Pasta, I want you to know that I love you and I am so glad that we have each other to talk to when things are hard. I know you’re struggling right now and I am here to help in any way I can. Lately I’ve been feeling a little frazzled with my own stuff, and I thought it would be great if we could find times to vent, but also make sure that we have time to have fun and enjoy the good.” If you want you can then play that Tegan and Sara song about where did the good go, but only if you think she’ll laugh as hard as I would if we were having this conversation.
Essentially, you need to communicate that you both need to be operating at full capacity to take care of each other, and that you need some time to navigate the world and your own stressors without being under the constant strain of hearing/worrying about hers. Gently. Calmly. Lovingly. Cool?
2. Here’s my small revelation: our partners cannot take care of all that ails us. Maybe you already knew that, but I don’t think I did until very recently… and maybe your gf doesn’t realize that yet either. I tend to think I AM HURTING GOOD THING I HAVE A WIFE TO TELL WHO WILL LISTEN AND HELP… all the time. And all of the time is too much of the time! I am a strong person who has friends and family and myself and a cat and a journal and sidewalks to stroll on and a million other outlets for what ails me.
As people with loved ones we need to make sure that we use all that is available to us instead of defaulting, always, to the person who is often closest to us (in both proximity and emotional-feels). Maybe you can also talk to your girl about this, bc I wish I had had that realization about forty years ago. You know?!
Last thing before I leave you to your journey: it sounds like y’all love each other very much and this is a hard time. That’s okay. We have ups and downs and you’ll learn things from this down that will help you tackle the next one even more readily. Good luck to you and darling Pasta <3
***
Hi! Our advice is always free for all to read & watch. Help us keep this gay ship chuggin’ by donating as little as $1/month over here on Patreon. xo
“There’s this girl who works at a coffee shop that I’m super into, but she just has a high school diploma and I’m working on getting my masters. We’re both into each other, but I can’t get over the fact that she isn’t really doing anything with her life. Am I a horrible person for letting this get in the way?! UGH! How do you handle education inequality in dating?”
- Question submitted by Anonymous and answered by Shane Billings as part of Everyone Is Gay: Second Opinions
Shane Says:
Oh man, those girls in coffee shops…. putting heart shapes in your cappuccino and drizzling their number with chocolate syrup. I hope you don’t even drink coffee, and you’re just ordering it to seem caffeinated and cool for your barista boo-thang.
With situations like yours, it’s important to not let the idea of a thing (the implications of her education level) interfere with the thing itself (your mutual attraction). There’s nothing wrong with wanting specific qualities in a partner, including a certain education level. However, your concern seems rooted in a couple of assumptions – that MAYBE your coffee shop lady doesn’t have an advanced degree because MAYBE she doesn’t have ambitious goals for success, or MAYBE she doesn’t care about her future. Don’t give those “maybes” any control over your love life.
Truth is, your coffee shop lady lover is doing things with her life. Maybe it doesn’t seem like much, but she’s got an income and a love interest… and most people would kill for just one of those (please don’t kill anybody). I’m willing to bet that if you ask her what she’s doing with her life, she’d have an answer. And that’s the fun stuff! Getting to uncover all the details that make a person complex and three-dimensional, those are the things that will anchor your feelings in reality. Maybe she is, in fact, too cool 4 school. School – especially higher education – is not for everyone, and isn’t a comprehensive metric for success or value in a person’s life. Don’t hold it against her.
So take a hot minute, while you’re sipping your hand-crafted mocha made special by your barista lover, and think about why higher education is important for you in a partner. Then take another minute (OMG so many minutes) and see what Aziz Ansari has to say about dating, specifically how people often realize that the qualities we say we’re looking for… don’t match the partner we actually become interested in.
You’re not a horrible person, at least not in this case. Maybe you don’t pay your taxes, or maybe you fart in crowded elevators. But like I said, “maybes” are just emotional contaminants, and don’t deserve the swaying power they have over our decisions. Don’t let the idea of a good relationship defeat an extraordinary opportunity that looks and feels different from what you expected.
***
Love Shane’s work? He is a volunteer contributor! Support him on PayPal!
Click through to read more about Shane and our other Second Opinions Panelists!
“I have been saving for a trip to Hawaii but my dog got sick and had to get emergency surgery. I can’t afford both so i rang my girl and said we would have to wait a little longer because i needed to pay for Barkus. She said i better not spend all that money ‘on the damn dog’ or she was gone. Obviously Mr Snugglebutt got his surgery! Where do i go from here? She’s perfect, y'know other than her dislike of Sir SnazzyPants. Should i really break up with her just because she doesn’t like Barfolomew?”
- Question submitted by Anonymous
Dannielle Says:
That dog is your child, and if someone was like “I hate your child, let it suffer bc I want to go on a trip” I would LOSE MY SHIT.
Also. Don’t date someone who is capable of hatred. Being constantly in the presence of someone who can dislike something so intensely is a very hard thing to live with, AND she shouldn’t be bartering her love for you like that, it’s so uncool.
Also Also. Don’t date someone who is incapable of having respect for the things that you love.
Kristin Says:
Okay, okay, OKAY…
The thing about her pressuring you to LET YOUR DOG DIE (I AM SORRY BUT SERIOUSLY?!) is that it isn’t just about Mr Snugglebutt… it’s about an inability to put another’s needs before her own. She hasn’t been able to understand the needs of Barkus AND she hasn’t been able to understand YOUR needs.
I would tell her that you are hurt by her suggestion that you let something you love suffer, and that you expect way more from a partner. I know it’s harsh, but what she said to you is WAY more harsh and totally fucked up.
You know that line from The Godfather that’s like, “Leave the gun, take the cannoli”? I would like to apply that here: “Leave the girl, take the dog (and the cannoli).”
You’ll find someone who loves you enough to love the things that matter to you, and who is grown up enough to be able to make a sacrifice for the greater good.
I AM SO MAD AT THIS GIRL.
THANK GOODNESS BARFOLOMEW IS OKAY.
***
Hi! Our advice is always free for all to read & watch. Help us keep this gay ship chuggin’ by donating as little as $1/month over here on Patreon. xo
