"I have my first date this Saturday and we’re going to the mall and dinner and I’ve never really been on a date before and I don’t know what to do. PLEASE HELP. I DON’T WANT TO SCARE HER OFF BY PANICKING OR SOMETHING LIKE I’M DOING NOW."
-Question submitted by Kirbyauiettree
OKAY FIRST OF ALL. You’re doing great.
Going to the mall is the best bc there are literally 45 things to do. I mean, it’s a mall, so it’s sorta dumb IN THAT there are just stores, but stores can be really fun. You automatically have the ability to point at REALLY HORRIBLE clothing items and say ‘you should really think about wearing more stuff like this’ with a really serious face.
Also, as long as you’re being you and not trying too hard you’ll be fine. BOO-DATE ALREADY SAID YES. You know? So, just don’t be a TOTAL idiot and you’ll be fine. UNLESS YOU ARE NATURALLY A TOTAL IDIOT, IN WHICH CASE, BE A TOTAL IDIOT BC THAT’S WHO YOU ARE AND YOU SHOULD ALWAYS BE YOURSELF.
Now I present you with “DANNIELLE’S TOP FIVE NEVERS”
Never eat spaghetti on a first date (i read that in cosmo once).
Never smell your armpits in public.
Never toot on a first date.
Never eat your boogers.
Never say mean stuff to be funny.
Relatedly, when on a first date:
Never say “we should go try on underwear together.”
Never smell her armpits in public.
Never throw pie at her face.
Never adopt a puppy together.
Never hide in a clothes rack until she panics and calls the mall police.
Seriously, though… EVERYONE IS ALWAYS NERVSIES ON A FIRST DATE YOU GUYS. You are going to be totally okay and you are going to ask her if she wants to get an ice cream sundae before the movie and you are going to ask her where she grew up and if she has siblings and then you are going to go to the movie and get popcorn and soda and milk duds and after the movie you are going to be like AHHHH I LOVE JENNIFER LAWRENCE ETC ETC, and then maybe you will give her a quick kiss goodbye OR maybe you will want to kiss her but you’ll panic OR maybe you’ll make out during the credits…
It’s anyone’s guess, but so long as you don’t dump your popcorn over her head and/or stand up during the movie and scream “I LOVE THIS WOMAN” while pointing to her, you are going to do fine. Dates are the same as hanging out with a friend, it’s just you get to be way more nervous because you like them in a romance-type way and you want it to go well and maybe you want to eventually cuddle with them slash touch their boobs.
“I'm a 21-year-old female student and have feelings for another girl, really strong feelings that are far beyond friendship. But I don't want to be lesbian, I want these feelings to go away! I'm so desperate. What should I do now?”
-Question submitted by Anonymous
You know when you go out against your will and you’re like ‘ugh, i really don’t wanna be out right now, i HATE dancing, i don’t like these people THAT much, drunk girls are dumb, i have homework to do, my head hurts and i just wanna be asleep’ AND THEN… your mothereffingJAM comes on (probably SINCE U BEEN GONE) and all of sudden your left arm goes up in the air, your jaw drops to the floor, your eyes get the size or grapefruits, the upper half of your body leans back, and in no time you’re doing this weird crab dance b/c you don’t GIVE A FUCK WHAT PEOPLE THINK B/C IT’S YOUR FUCKING JAM THIS IS KELLY WHY DOES NO ONE UNDERSTAND!?!??!!
Well, this is a lot like your life right now. I mean, let’s be real, this is a lot like everyone’s life before they figure themselves out. You’re going to feel these feelings again. If you decide ‘NO I DON’T WANT TO DANCE’ and you leave the bar, no matter where you go… SINCE U BEEN GONE is going to play again before your life is over. It’s going to play more than once, and eventually you’re going to jam the fuck out.
You can’t help how you feel, 21yearoldfemalestudent, but you CAN help what you do about it. You can try and suppress your feelings all you want, but they’re going to come back. The longer you try and pretend your feelings aren’t there, the harder they’re going to be to deal with.
Also. Why would you deny yourself the opportunity to love someone? Love is the most beautiful, fascinating, breathtaking, mind-blowing, nerve-wracking, nail-biting, wonderful experiences that life has to offer. Don’t pass it up just because you’re scared. Fear vs. Love, y’all.
btw. i’m totally going to start referring to ‘boning’ as ‘jamming out’
If anyone has ever wondered why Dannielle and I work so well together, it is because that is literally exactly what happens to my body when Kelly Clarkson plays. #shegetsme
In other news, yes, figuring out that you may be gay is a lot to handle. You have probably always seen your life a certain way…maybe a husband, a few kids, a couple of houses and an indoor swimming pool. I am not sure how that imaginary life looked, but since it is imaginary, I’m really hoping you included the indoor swimming pool. The hard truth of it all is that it was only imaginary. You cannot know what your life is going to look like before you live it, and so the only advice we can give to you is to stop fighting those feelings, and start trying to accept them.
You may fall in love with a woman who then cheats on you with a married woman whose husband takes solace in your understanding, so then you start boning the scorned husband and accidentally get pregnant and you keep the baby, but you resent the ex-husband so you leave him and move to a farm where you meet the woman of your dreams, and you raise your baby and adopt a dog and grow tomatoes and buy a swing for your porch.
Stop trying to figure out where to put the swing on your imaginary porch, and start at the part where you follow your feelings and kiss that first girl. The rest will follow, and there is no stopping any of it. Try to find people who can help you adjust to these new feelings, but don’t bury them. Take it one day at a time, and send us an email when you kiss that girl and are like, “HOLY BALLS I AM STILL NOT TOTALLY SURE I CAN DO THIS BUT WHEN DO I GET TO TAKE HER CLOTHES OFF?!?!”
"I am nineteen and have never had a relationship or even kissed a girl, and I have a lot of difficulty making the first move. I guess my question is, how do I get over this fear and ask someone out or get them to make the first move?"
-Question submitted by Anonymous
It will happen in time. Realize that you are not the only one who is scared shitless to try and bone someone. Everyone is freaking out and wondering if they’re saying/doing/wearing the right thing. No one feels confident, and if they do, everyone thinks they are a douche. So, I say, for now take the friend route. Even if you’re interested in a hoe, approach it as if you’re just sayin hey to a potential new friend. Stir up a nice convo, lol about some idiot on the tv, stare into her eyes a little long, and it’ll feel a lot better.
Also, don’t wear scrunchies and loose all your teeth.
Want to know a secret? The last time I was totally smitten with a girl (at age TWENTY-NINE), I was a train wreck of chest-heaving, weight-losing, googly-eyed craziness. I was completely unsure of everything I was saying and doing, and I would run around my house in a complete panic each and every time she was headed over to see me. Seriously, there were many moments that, if filmed on a secret camera, would win me the Bob Saget grand prize on America’s Funniest Home Videos. I tell you this for two reasons:
1. Like Dannielle said, everyone feels unsure of themselves at times, andespecially when they are totally liking on someone – so don’t worry. If you remind yourself that we are all terrified piles of emotion on the inside, perhaps that will help you wobble over to the pretty girl and make the first move.
2. Even though I was a train wreck on the inside, the girl I was drooling on would often tell me things like, “You know, you are SO level-headed,” or “You seem so sane and put together!” I would then repeat these sentiments to my sister who had likely heard me squealing my girlish emotions like a lunatic minutes earlier, and we would get a good laugh. Usually, even if you are terrified, the other person is so conscious of their own actions (because they think you are the cat’s meow) that they won’t even notice your knees clanking together under the table. Not sure why you are sitting at a table, but…maybe that is a good idea, too.
"Once I figured out I was gay, I feel like I lost a lot of confidence trying to get to know girls because I got paranoid (and extremely nervous) or something about them "finding me out" or whatever.. Did you ever feel different about just getting to know people because you didn't want to seem like you were hitting on them or whatever?"
-Question submitted by Anonymous
OMG I’M SO GLAD SOMEONE BROUGHT THIS UP. I think it’s totally natural. I got really nervous that all my friends would think I had a crush on them at one point. But you guys, it’s not true. I have a close friend that recently asked if I ever had a crush on her, and I was like ‘no’ and she was like ‘ok’ and we were totally fine and literally nothing changed. I mean, be prepared for them to ask, but the thing is, it’s different, and they know that. The same way that you’re gay but you know the difference between when a man is hitting on you or just trying to be nice. You have to not worry about it, if they’re weirded out, they’re homophobes and you shouldn’t be friends with them anyway. I know it’s hard to just immediately do, but having galpals is super importante. (NBD but spanish was my minor in college..soooo)
Oh, hi. YES. I know just what you mean, and I think a lot of us (“us” being my gross and inappropriate generalization for lesbian-kind) go through this.
If it isn’t already obvious, I’m a person who typically uses humor to diffuse my awkward feelings, and so that was how I chose to handle the situation. Por ejemplo: “Oh man, now that you know I’m gay I can stare at your tits all the time!” Most times my jokes worked well, we all laughed, and things leveled out. A few times my jokes left me verbally backing myself further and further into a silent corner of doom, and that was double-time awkward. MY POINT BEING. Most of the ladies that you are worried about will either a) understand that you being gay does not mean you want to see their hoo-has or b) imagine you do want to see their shazams and be ridiculously (though incorrectly) flattered. The ladies who think that their whoosy-whatsits are that desirable and then get offended because they imagine you are into them…those ladies need to not be in your orbit of friends, anyhow.
Also, please note my use of “por ejemplo” in the fifth advice sentence. I only took Spanish until 11th grade. I win.