Updates + Two Lemons
Hi!! Kristin here with a whole ton of updates on my move to Los Angeles and Dannielle’s new project, plus an important question: What would you like to see from me on YouTube?! Oh, and some lemons!
"My best friend and I live thousands of miles away and have never met. It just became very possible that I might be moving only 10 or so miles away from him. But that would take me thousands of miles away from my friend in my hometown, who I've known for years but slightly grown apart from. Is it wrong to want to move if I'd never come back?"
Question submitted by Anonymous
I live 2,000 miles away from my best friend in the world. I also live 3,000 miles away from my businesswife who i love with all my heart. AND I live 3,000 miles away from my childhood bestie who houses all of my memories (i have a bad memory, thank god for her). It’s FUCKING HARD. IT’s so hard. In a lot of ways, I hate living so far from so many people I adore. It’s hard to live that far away from my dad. It’s hard that one of my really great friends from High school had a baby and I can’t hang out with that baby everyday. It’s all so hard.
However, as far as where I live and the home I’ve built? I’ve never been happier. I feel like opportunity is everywhere and coming home is a relief. I love the weather and the city and the people I’ve met. I love the ability to go to the mountains and beach and inside of a canyon with little to no effort, whatsoever. I love when people come to visit. I’m proud of where I am, I’m proud of my apartment, I’m proud of who I am in this city.
You should live where YOU want to live for the reasons that YOU want to live there, and that’s it. It’ll be hard to leave your best friend, the same way it’s hard to live so far away from your other best friend right now. Life is hard, friendship is so important, and special, and strong. The reason it’s so strong is because it’s hard. That’s just life.
Do what you need to do for you. ALSO, I’m a big fan of living in different cities. It’s an experience I feel everyone should have, but it doesn’t happen to you, you have to make the effort.
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“I’m 17 years old and I move around a lot because my parents are in the military. I’m semi-“out” as gay but I have trouble finding supportive people in my life because I’m always moving to another city. How do I form a sustainable support system under these circumstances?”
- Question submitted by Anonymous and answered by Shane Billings as part of Everyone Is Gay: Second Opinions
Sustainable support systems, in general, are challenging. But don’t fret! Seriously, leave those frets at the door. Because, as it turns out, [*adjusts spectacles*] by writing in with your question, you already sort of answered it… like you incepted yourself… like Joseph Gordon Levitt is dance-fighting through a rotating hallway inside your brain.
What I mean is: online LGBTQ support communities, like Everyone is Gay, can be some excellent starting points in looking for sustainable support. The panelists and I may not know you personally, but we’re here to support you!
You can also take a peek at Everyone Is Gay’s Resource Page this list of LGBTQ Resources from Lambda Legal, organized by state. A lot of the groups listed have online components, ideal for gay tumbleweeds like yourself.
Your family can also be a useful starting point. I know you’re not completely out, so you don’t have to like, cartwheel into the kitchen with your Oklahoma!Original Broadway Cast Recording. Take your time, and be safe.
Try generating small conversations with your parents about your situation, even if it’s just to say “Hey, I have a tough time keeping friends because we move so much.” If anything, it can help lay the groundwork for learning to talk about your personal issues in general. Like your CRUSHES [*starts to sweat*] or even KISSING [*shatters into a thousand pieces from feelings*]
[*sweeps up pieces because they made a mess*]
Okay, and also, can I just say… No matter where you are, or how many fabulous supportive people you know, the most important person in your support system is YO’ SELF… ahem… yourself.
Learn to create a dialogue with yourself (not in a weird Gollum vs. Smeagel way, but in a cute Hey, Self. I think you’re dope. Keep it up! kind of way).
Do you a keep a journal? I highly recommend it. It’s like having an imaginary pen pal (a.k.a. support system), who always reads your letters because your thoughts, reflections, and feelings are valid. More than anything, it’s great to have a safe and boundless space where you can articulate yourself.
But if journals aren’t your thang… Some people use prayer, some people do affirmations in the mirror. However you choose to do it, learning to be your own support system is an extremely valuable skill, especially when you’re the “forever new kid in town” (potential garage band name???).
And finally, my advice for any person looking for self-support is: find a full-length mirror, throw on your most bodacious I-can-do-bad-all-by-myself music, and leave it ALL on the DANCE FLOOR. Think Kevin Kline from In & Out doing “I Will Survive.” Hell, throw on some high heels and a kimono if you’re feeling it (and trust me, you’re feeling it). Go to it, Tumbleweed! I really believe that once you become the first member of your own support network, others will pick up on it and arrive on their own. And whatever you do, leave those flippin’ frets at the door!
Forever and ever and evarrr,
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Click through to read more about Shane and our other Second Opinions Panelists!
"So I recently moved across the country with my gf for what I thought would be an amazing adventure. But since we’ve both moved in together things have changed. She’s different, and it’s been an emotional roller coaster. I have no friends here and I hate this city. We’re on the verge of breaking up and she’s crashing with a friend tonight and I feel so lost and hopeless and stuck. How do I get through this? If we break up, how do I not feel like a failure if I move back? I can’t do this alone."
- Question submitted by Anonymous and answered by Riese Bernard as a part of Everyone Is Gay: Second Opinions
You’re not a failure, Doris! (That’s what I’m gonna call you. I’m gonna call you Doris. I was gonna call you Skyler but I changed my mind. You should read Doris Zine! It’s about being a human being just like you which brings me back to my point) You’re a human being! Doris, that’s all you are. Doris, I moved into a condo with my idiot boyfriend when I was 19 and everyone told me it was the worst idea ever and guess what IT WAS. and that’s just the only “time I moved in with somebody but shouldn’t have” story i can tell you on the internet, there are SO MANY MORE!
So Doris the point of this is — don’t feel like a failure. That is the last thing you should be worrying about right now, you’ve got to focus on breaking up and moving out, not on any negative self-talk. This is what life is: we try things, we make mistakes, we get hurt, we feel regret and we learn. Every relationship ends except the last one, you know? I know a ridiculously large number of lesbians who have moved cross-country for love (which I’d advise against, as a rule, but that’s another question, not yours!) and about half the time it works and half the time it doesn’t. I know some people whose “moved to a new place for a girl” stories would make you feel like you just won the relationship olympics, they are so awful.
Anyhow Doris, so what you’re gonna have to do is mobilize. Summon every little scrap of energy you’ve got inside you and funnel that into getting out of there. That’s gonna be hard and exactly how hard — like how often you’ll have to exist in the weird awkward space of we-broke-up-but-you-still-live-here which is THE WORST — will depend a lot on your financial resources and employment situation. I don’t know what those are so getting into specifics would take a long time, but in short — If you can afford it, just move home or move wherever your friends live and sleep on a couch and get a job and start again. If you’ve gotta stick around, definitely look into jobs where you might make friends, if possible, and go to autostraddle meet-ups. I don’t know how social people make new friends in real life, I’ve only made new friends via online, work or school, and I still haven’t made new friends where I live now, so my advice on new friends is laughable, really, BUT holy fuck back in my youth, that post-breakup space was often where I met the most awesome new people ever — like most of my friends that I have right now — maybe because you’re just more open to things right after you’ve left behind a broken thing. Maybe you’re looking for the next thing, which could be a person or a home or a book or a popsicle. There will be a next thing.
Anyhow this has gotten really long but in short: everything’s gonna be okay, Doris! Break up and move out. It won’t be easy, but it will eventually, one day, be just another story you can tell when somebody asks you for advice.
Click through to read more about Riese and our other Second Opinions panelists!
"My girlfriend is transferring to the University of Miami after I graduate. It is literally the last place in the world I want to be. She says I don’t have any definite plan in the near future, but I’ll have zero things to do besides work a shitty restaurant job somewhere that I don’t want to be in the first place. She’s making me feel like I’ve done something terrible by simply being honest with her. I can’t imagine my life without her. What do I do?"
- Question submitted by Anonymous
Here is the thing. You’ve already decided in your brain that you will absolutely not be happy if you’re in Miami. So, if you move to Miami… you will be unhappy. You know?
A few things I want you to consider. FIRST AND FOREMOST, you do not have to give up your entire life to be with the person you love. Even if you do decide to suck it up and spend some time in Miami, you’re not wasting time, you’re not giving up on your dreams and you’re not sacrificing your self worth. It’s hard to make a relationship work and we all HAVE TO make compromises at one point or another.
SECOND AND SECONDMOST, you can not rearrange your life to make another person happy and then blame it on them. If you are only going to Miami to be with her, do it because you want to be with her, not because she’s making you feel bad. If the only reason you go is because she made you feel shitty for having hopes and dreams and opinions, you are going for the wrong reasons. Your relationship will only fail from there because every time you have a bad day in Miami you will think “I wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for my stupid idiot girlf”
THIRDLY AND THIRDLIEMOST, long distance relationships can work. They can. If you are willing to put the right amount of time and effort into making it happen, it can work. What’s most important in this situation is you both consider one another. You consider what will make the other person happy and you find a compromise. Things won’t be perfect, but if you love each other and you’re both willing to work, things can at least be okay….plus there’s a new iphone app called ‘pair’ that apparently makes LDRz even cuter.
OH MY GOD. I am going to immediately start dating someone in another city just so I can use the “Pair” iPhone app. I JUST LOOKED IT UP AND IT LOOKS SO ADORABLE.
You, dear Anonymous, have outlined a lot of the most important factors of your decision in your question. You do not want to go to Miami. That is a very, very important fact. Now, when emotions and love get involved, it is difficult for us to do what is right for ourselves and for the person we love, and this is apparently what is affecting your boo so much. Whereas the healthy thing to do here would have been to give you your space to think about your decision, to support you and talk openly about your fears, hesitations, and confusions… your boo has emotionally slipped into a place where she is seemingly unable to step back.
So. The first step is to sit her down, to tell her that you love her, to tell her that you will both be able to work through this together, and that what you need from her most of all right now is the space to think about all the different scenarios without her making you feel horribly, horribly guilty for considering all of them.
Explain to her that the most important thing for both of you to always remember in your relationship is that, for the relationship to be healthy, you both have to be happy and content in the knowledge that you have made decisions of your own choosing, and with the support of your partner.
If she cannot give you space, you will not be able to go to Miami, period. If, however, she is able to hear you, if she is able to step back and see the situation as a decision that you making together, you should take that space and consider all of the options. Think about what Miami would be like, think about what home would be like, think about what you want the most, and what would make you happy. Then, talk to her about your decision, and remind her how much it means to you that she was able to give you the space to think things over. If that decision is still that you do not want to go to Miami, hopefully she will be able to understand, and you will be able to work together (again, always) to figure out the best ways to make it work.
Anything is possible when we respect and work to understand the people that we love.