, , , , , , , , , , ,

"My girlfriend and I have had a rough year of long distance relationship arguing and making up. Now I’m back home for the summer, and things are better. However, I know when school starts so will the long distance problems. I wanted to wait till the end of summer to break up and stay friends but I made the mistake of mentioning it to her and she decided we should break up now and stay friends. What can I do to make this summer not awkward?”

- Question submitted by Anonymous and answered by Gabifresh as a part of Everyone Is Gay: Second Opinions

Gabi Says:

I speak from first hand experience when I say long distance relationships are HARD work, and sometimes it’s difficult to figure out if you’re just arguing with your significant other because you miss each other so much, or if there are deeper issues that need to be addressed. That said, the breakup-makeup cycle is a hard one to break, and usually indicates there may be some unhealthy things going on in your relaysh.

It sounds like you know that you want to end things for good, and if you’re sure that’s the case—which is totally valid—your girlfriend is right about doing it now. There’s no need to drag things out! Staying with someone with the intention of breaking up later puts a damper on the entire relationship, and it will only make things more confusing for both of you. It also has the potential to lead to more fights, which means things could end on a really bad note instead of the seemingly clean break you can make now. The fact that your girlfriend is aware of all of this and seems cool with staying friends is even more of a reason to bite the bullet and end things soon—I think you’ll have a much better chance of keeping her in your life that way. I know this is short, but sometimes the best answer is the most simple. Good luck!

***

Click through to read more about Gabifresh and our other Second Opinions panelists!

Everyone Is Gay has started a new project to help parents who have LGBTQ kids: Check out The Parents Project!

07.8.2014
Ask A Question
share:

, , , , , , , ,

"The girl I’ve been dating for about a month and a half just told me she’s in a relationship. An open, long distance relationship, but a relationship. Now… I know I should cut her off, but I care about her too much to do so. Am I stupid for continuing to see her? :("

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Here is a life spoiler alert: NO ONE EVER DOES WHAT THEY SHOULD DO. EEVVVAARRRR. We follow our stupid idiot hearts and ignore our brains until we are crying in a puddle and convinced we will never feel love again. So, I will give you advice, but I am doing it knowing FULL-WELL you will probably ignore me bc kisses.

If yo girl being in a relationship with someone else makes you feel shitty, you should stop seeing her. If it makes you feel anxious and taken advantage of, you should stop seeing her. If you constantly feel like you aren’t good enough, and wonder why she doesn’t want to be with just you and it makes you feel uncool and worthless, you should stop seeing her. You should be REALLY HONEST with yourself and your feels because if you try to avoid them, statistics show that they will 100% build and build over time and you will feel EXPONENTIALLY SHITTIER #sciencefacts.

However, there are plenty of working relationships btwn people in similar situations. If you are okay with her being in another relationship and you are completely honest with yourself and your feels, you can maybe make it work.

I don’t have the ability to do that, but I also don’t have the ability to stop making out with someone I want to make out with when I know good-and-well it’s a terrible idea… So, GOOD LUCK TAKING MY ADVICE.

Kristin Says:

Yup yup yup, this is one MILLION percent based on you and what kind of relationship you want. From the tone of your question, it sounds like you are upset. You totally have room for all of those feelings, but it does sound like the girl you’ve been seeing is just being honest with you about her situation, and hoping that you will still be on board.

This is, as Dannielle mentioned, where shit gets TRICKY. You already sound upset, so you have to really sit with those feelings and pull them apart, bit by bit. Make a list if that is something that will help you, and jot down all of the feelings and why you think you are feeling them. Do you feel betrayed? Do you feel confused? Do you feel sad or unsure or angry? Every time you write a feeling, write for as long as you can/need about WHERE that feeling comes from. Sometimes this will just help you vent, but other times it will help you clarify the feelings (“I am angry because she should have told me sooner… but it has only been about a month so I guess it is pretty soon… so I am angry because I just wish this didn’t happen”).

After you do some work on what the feelings truly are, you should talk to your girl. Be as honest with her and with yourself as possible. If you want to try this, absolutely try it… but you have to keep being honest with yourself and with her! If you keep picking fights over who ate the last Twizzler and you KNOW it’s actually you resenting her other relationship, YOU GOTTA BE REAL.

No one wants to deal with fights about Twizzlers that carry the weight of the world. Capeesh?

Be real. Be strong. Be honest.
Good luck.

06.4.2014
Ask A Question
share:

, , , , , , , ,

"Are long-distance relationships worth it? And what’s the key to making them work?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

This is 100% subjective. I’m totally down for long distance, I think NOT having a relationship with someone based on where you live is dumb. As long as the two of you are fully aware of the circumstances and you are both willing to work pretty hard to make it happen, YOU’LL BE FINE.

Like any relationship; there will be complications, there will be heartache, it will take a lot of compromise, you will laugh, you will fight, you will cry, you will feel hopeless, you will fall in love, you will feel on top of the world, you will decide whether or not it’s worth the struggle, and you will make it work.

I’ve seen so many successful LDRs, and I’ve seen so many fail. Plan dates. Stay positive. Look forward to seeing one another. Be honest about what you’re feeling. Make time for one another. Don’t flake out on phone / skype dates. Send letters. Surprise one another. Go to the movies at the same time from different cities and sit in the back so you can text each other. Be creative and work hard.

Also, if you need two super cute girls to watch for proof that long distance can totally work MIGHT I SUGGEST KAELYN AND LUCY.

Kristin Says:

I think a long distance relationship is absolutely worth it, so long as you are both committed to making it work.

To me, a relationship is something that is always in flux, always bending and moving around unpredictable and incredible and scary life-events. I never imagined that I would be in a relationship with someone who travels all over the world playing music, and I had no idea what that would be like when it all began. I also had absolutely no idea that shortly after beginning that relationship, I, too, would be traveling all over the country with my job! It’s not exactly the same as long-distance, but when we are both in the throes of travel, shit can be really, really hard.

I think that there are people who might look at that situation and know that it wasn’t for them… but then, in my mind I probably was that person until I was in love and knew that I needed to make it work.

This depends on you and your boo. If you both care about each other and you want to make things work, you try. You reassess. You try again. You reassess. My feeling is that you can always try and find out that it doesn’t work… but if you just turn your back before giving it a go, you will likely regret it.

08.6.2013
Ask A Question
share:

, , , , , , , , , , , ,

"So, I got offered the perfect internship this summer but, if I take it, I would be far away from my serious boyfriend. I’m studying abroad right now, so we’ve already been apart since November and it’s really hard for both of us. So do I choose love or career? Decisions are so hard guys!"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

You have, like, 80 years of life left and you can be in love for all of those, but this internship will happen ONCE for TWO MONTHS. I always, always, always vote career in these situations.

I sound like the biggest asshole, but the thing is, you want to be with someone who will support your success and who loves when you’re offered cool shit. I mean, love is love you guys and if it’s supposed to work it, it absolutely will. I have friends who were long distance for 6 years, but they made it work and now they’ve been married and in the same home for 5 years. So, IT WORKED OUT.

The bottom line: If you don’t take the internship ONLY because of love, you’ll end up resenting your booboo for holding you back. I didn’t go on tour with Katy Perry bc of someone I was dating and I’m STILL PISSED.

Kristin Says:

YOU COULD HAVE GONE ON TOUR WITH KATY PERRY?!
**calls Dannielle for details*

Personally, I do not think Dannielle sounds like an asshole at all. You take the internship. If this were something where you would be away for an exceptionally long period of time then perhaps I would say, “talk it over with your boo, weigh the pros and cons, etcetera,” but this is NOT a long period of time. I know, I know, I am aware of how long even a few days feels without the person you love – but a few months where you are doing something brilliant will fly by. Trust. Me.

What’s more, I have found that time away from your boo can actually be really wonderful for your relationship. Missing someone is healthy. Planning Skype dates and sending pictures of your adventures or your boobs to each other – those are fun things that don’t happen as much when you are in the same city.

Take the internship.

03.22.2013
Ask A Question
share:

, , , , , , , , , ,

"Ok, so my girlfriend decided to go away to college while I’m stuck at home. I’m occasionally jealous and it’s horrible. I don’t like the fact that other people get to see her more than I do, but nothing can be done. It’s not that I don’t trust her, it’s just that I want to be able see her too. Is there a way I can at least feel better?"

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

I think you should start by not saying “my girlfriend decided to go away to college while i’m stuck at home” … That sentence alone tells me a few things (1) you are not fully in support of her (2) you do not respect her decisions (3) it is essentially YOU against HER.

Now, you can miss her, you can be jealous, you can feel uneasy. ALL of those feelings make sense and you are not wrong for any of them. HOWEVER, you have to support her, love her, and respect her if you want this relationship to work. I have been in a relationship where I was away from home doing something amazing and the person I was dating said “I’m stuck here doing nothing and you’re off doing that” and all that did was make me feel shitty. I wanted to include her, to tell her about the people I was met, the things i did, the places I saw, but I felt like I couldn’t. I felt like my happiness just made her feel worse and worse.

So, here is what I suggest. Plan dates. Plan dates where you skype and eat the same kind of food at the same time. Watch movies together. Make her share her screen and show you the people she’s hanging out with, update you on the drama, etc. If they’re all getting together for movie night, have her skype you in, meet her friends, etc. Tell her you love what she’s doing, you’re so proud of her, and you 100% support her, but you miss her and you want to be a part of her life as much as possible. The two of you will find your grove and it will be okay, but only if you work hard and love each other.

Kristin Says:

Sometimes Dannielle gives advice that is so good and thorough that all I want to do is add a picture of a kitten and call it a day.

You know what?
FUCK IT, HER ADVICE IS PERFECT AND YOU SHOULD DO EXACTLY WHAT SHE SAID.

HERE:

image

01.18.2013
Ask A Question
share:
<<