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"Hi so I am a lesbian who is still mostly in the closet I am just not ready to come out just yet but there is a guy in my class who has a big crush on me. I don't like him at all but I don't want to be rude he keep's asking me out on date's and I keep saying no. How can I get the message to him nicely that it's nothing personal I just don't like him without coming out as gay?"

-Question Submitted by Anonymous

Kristin Says:

HOW ABOUT DON’T GET THE MESSAGE TO HIM NICELY ANYMORE, HUH?!

Oooooooooh, Anonymous, I am sorry for yelling, but your question fired up all of my feminist gears and pistons and engines and superpowers and whatever else comes in this box labeled “Feminist Powers, Open With Care.” Let’s just take a moment to go over what you said here:

– A boy asked you out on a date

– You politely said no

– A boy asked you out on a date again

– You politely said no

– A boy. Asked you out. On a date. AGAIN.

Now, and I understand where you are coming from, I DO, you are asking how else to fucking politely say no again but GUESS WHAT… this boy isn’t getting the message. Guess what else? Your sexuality doesn’t need to have anything to do with this exchange, because who you choose to go out with isn’t anyone’s business but your own.

I am mad, Anonymous, not because of this one boy in your class who has a crush and who might just reaaallly think that you saying “no,” means “maybe.” However, read that last sentence again and you’ll get where this kind of behavior is super fucking dangerous. When people think “no” means “maybe,” other people – and especially women – are put in really shitty, dangerous, fucked up situations. This boy in your class, and lots of other boys (and other people, not just boys!) need to be taught to listen to what others say, and not assume that they know what others might want despite what they say.

Does this mean you have to walk into class, open up your own box of feminist-power and smash this boy over the head with it?? You certainly CAN, but that isn’t the only solution here.

If I were you, the first step I’d take would be to speak directly and clearly (which is still polite!), letting this boy know that I’d like him to stop asking me out. I’d say something like, “Listen. I don’t want to go out on a date with you, and I would appreciate it if you didn’t as me any more. It’s important to me that we have the ability to be friends, and the more you ask, the less that becomes possible!”

Now, you’ve drawn your line. Clearly.

If this boy asks you out again after you say these words to him, I don’t know that he even deserves an answer, and that much is up to you. If you’re feeling it as much as I am feeling it though, turn to him and say, “I didn’t have interest in going on a date in the first place, but I can tell you very clearly that I would never, ever want to date a person who doesn’t trust the words that I share with them. I’ve repeatedly told you I wasn’t interested in dating you, and I also tried to be polite. You have disrespected me by ignoring what I’ve said and what I’ve asked for, and I think that if you are looking to date anyone in the future, you should really think about being more respectful to start with. THANK YOU AND GOOD DAY, SIR.”

Then, blast a Beyonce song in your mind and go back to your work.

*flips all the furniture in the room*

05.18.2016
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"Do you think Glee’s Santana/Brittany and Grey’s Anatomy’s Arizona/Callie storylines would’ve been received by audiences as well if the characters were less feminine?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

OMG YOU GUYS I WAS JUST TALKING ABOUT THIS AND HOW I DONT THINK THAT SOME PEOPLE WOULD BE OKAY WITH THE LEZBEES IF THEY WEREN’T SO LONG-HAIRD N PRETTY.

YOU KNOW ABC TRIED TO HAVE A LEZBEE STORY LINE BEFORE ARIZONA, WITH CALLIE AND DR. HAHN AND APPARENTLY EVERYONE WAS PEEVED SO THEY CUT DR. HAHN OUT OF THE SHOW. BUT NOW ARIZONA IS HERE AND HAS LONG WAVY HAIR AND LOOKS LIKE A ‘STRAIGHTIE’ AND EVERYONE IS OKAY WITH IT?!?!

Sorry, I only meant to all-caps that first thing. But anyway. Someone needs to put me on TV .

Kristin Says:

No, anonymous, probably not.

I feel like audiences in this country have the weirdest relationship with respect to gender presentation. Generally speaking, these ‘audiences’ you refer to seem very receptive to long-haired, ‘feminine’ girls making out with other long-haired, ‘feminine’ girls. Also, generally speaking, those same audiences tend to back away from characters who don’t conform as well to certain gender stereotypes.

HERE’S WHERE THINGS GET TRICKY THOUGH. I think that America, in genderal (#omg #besttypoever), likes to be able to place things/people/characters in identifiable boxes. So, I think that if there were a gay boy character who didn’t act masculine, but who was over-the-top flamboyant, audiences would be like, ‘Oh, he’s SUPERGAY, hahahaha, HE’S SO CUTE I GET IT.’ That gay boy character, I think, gets to be loved and adored by a good amount of audiences… until his character becomes sexualized and then a lot of people are like, “WAIT HE’S JUST CUTE HE DOESN’T HAVE A PENIS GROSS.”

With female characters, however, I think there is a lot less tolerance for gender-non-conforming (whatever the fuck that even means). ‘Girls’ who are ‘masculine’ really seem to fuck people up. The combination of ‘masculine female’ seems to make sooooo many people fall over themselves with desire, and also fall over themselves with confusion… and a lot of times I think those feelings (either one or both) do one of two things: 1) twist into the biggest crush that ever existed, or b) twist into a hardened dislike/hatred/fear.

Why? I don’t know. Am I even right? I have no idea. What I can say is that I think there is a bigger mix of emotions when it comes to gender identity and presentation then when it comes to sexuality alone… and I think that in general, most major networks are still a bit scared of what will come of genderqueering television shows/characters/etc.

SORRY FOR ALL THE WORDS. #MONDAYMORNINGFEELINGS

06.4.2012
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“I'm a 21-year-old female student and have feelings for another girl, really strong feelings that are far beyond friendship. But I don't want to be lesbian, I want these feelings to go away! I'm so desperate. What should I do now?”

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

You know when you go out against your will and you’re like ‘ugh, i really don’t wanna be out right now, i HATE dancing, i don’t like these people THAT much, drunk girls are dumb, i have homework to do, my head hurts and i just wanna be asleep’ AND THEN… your mothereffingJAM comes on (probably SINCE U BEEN GONE) and all of sudden your left arm goes up in the air, your jaw drops to the floor, your eyes get the size or grapefruits, the upper half of your body leans back, and in no time you’re doing this weird crab dance b/c you don’t GIVE A FUCK WHAT PEOPLE THINK B/C IT’S YOUR FUCKING JAM THIS IS KELLY WHY DOES NO ONE UNDERSTAND!?!??!!

Well, this is a lot like your life right now. I mean, let’s be real, this is a lot like everyone’s life before they figure themselves out. You’re going to feel these feelings again. If you decide ‘NO I DON’T WANT TO DANCE’ and you leave the bar, no matter where you go… SINCE U BEEN GONE is going to play again before your life is over. It’s going to play more than once, and eventually you’re going to jam the fuck out.

You can’t help how you feel, 21yearoldfemalestudent, but you CAN help what you do about it. You can try and suppress your feelings all you want, but they’re going to come back. The longer you try and pretend your feelings aren’t there, the harder they’re going to be to deal with.

Also. Why would you deny yourself the opportunity to love someone? Love is the most beautiful, fascinating, breathtaking, mind-blowing, nerve-wracking, nail-biting, wonderful experiences that life has to offer. Don’t pass it up just because you’re scared. Fear vs. Love, y’all.

btw. i’m totally going to start referring to ‘boning’ as ‘jamming out’

Kristin Says:

If anyone has ever wondered why Dannielle and I work so well together, it is because that is literally exactly what happens to my body when Kelly Clarkson plays.  #shegetsme

In other news, yes, figuring out that you may be gay is a lot to handle.  You have probably always seen your life a certain way…maybe a husband, a few kids, a couple of houses and an indoor swimming pool.  I am not sure how that imaginary life looked, but since it is imaginary, I’m really hoping you included the indoor swimming pool.  The hard truth of it all is that it was only imaginary.  You cannot know what your life is going to look like before you live it, and so the only advice we can give to you is to stop fighting those feelings, and start trying to accept them.

You may fall in love with a woman who then cheats on you with a married woman whose husband takes solace in your understanding, so then you start boning the scorned husband and accidentally get pregnant and you keep the baby, but you resent the ex-husband so you leave him and move to a farm where you meet the woman of your dreams, and you raise your baby and adopt a dog and grow tomatoes and buy a swing for your porch.

Stop trying to figure out where to put the swing on your imaginary porch, and start at the part where you follow your feelings and kiss that first girl.  The rest will follow, and there is no stopping any of it.  Try to find people who can help you adjust to these new feelings, but don’t bury them.  Take it one day at a time, and send us an email when you kiss that girl and are like, “HOLY BALLS I AM STILL NOT TOTALLY SURE I CAN DO THIS BUT WHEN DO I GET TO TAKE HER CLOTHES OFF?!?!”

09.29.2010
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“Danielle and Kristin; please advise asap. In yesterdays webcast were you deliberately making fun of the band Hanson? They are incredibly talented and ever since I was a wee baby lezzie in 1997 I have loved them. Since watching your webcast several hours ago I am now losing sleep thinking about your song choice and performance. I am probably being paranoid and you probably love them as much as I do.... I just need to know for sure though. Thanks, love you guys!”

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

I’ve seen Hanson in concert 5 times.

In November of 2008, I was living in Chicago. Obama was at grant park giving an acceptance speech b/c he had just become the president-elect. I was 3 blocks away at the House of Blues dancing and screaming to ‘Where’s the Love’ with two of my favorite people in the entire world…

so, CALM TF DOWN.

Kristin Says:

I title this: “Lesbians Need to Calm Down.”

09.26.2010
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“My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years, and lately we just haven't been having sex often. I feel as though it's my fault for always being tired, or just not really in the mood. Any ideas on how to help that?”

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

SO, this is called ‘LBD: Lesbian Bed Death’

….

(a) that’s disgusting, why would anyone think of that, even!??! (b) it can be avoided.

I know cosmo tells you to keep things spicy, try some new toys, throw in some extra people, blow on her vagina. (DON’T EVER BLOW ON HER VAGINA)…. Here’s the thing though, anonymous, it has to be something YOU want. It has to be something you recognize and want to fix. You already said it yourself, it may be your fault b/c you’re tired. Pick a day, next week, when you will come home and bone your girl in half. Think about it all day, remember how steamy it was the first time, think about kissing her slowly, and feelin’ her boobies, and touching her naughty space. When you get home, keep thinking about it, until finally you’re in bed and you take all of her clothes off faster than she can say ‘oh anonymous!’

Kristin Says:

For reasons that shall go unnamed, I was eating a Santa Fe Chopped Salad at TGIFriday’s when I read Dannielle’s answer, and I almost choked on my iceberg lettuce when I read “touching her naughty space.” FOR GODSSAKE. My business partner needs to get it together, you guys.

Let me start answering this query by saying, I have totally been there. My last relationship lasted 5 years, and that Lesbian Bed Death is a relentless little bitch.  Here are a few tips to help:

1. Try not to dwell on it and make it something bigger than it is…just as quickly as you both lost some fire, you can easily round a bend and find a whole new valley of combustible sexy-time materials.

2. Use your imagination.  Just like Dannielle said, think back and remember the first time you kissed her, or the first time you pulled her shirt off – you were so nervous and hesitant and excited and nggggggg, right?! Pretend that you’ve never done those things before, and ask her to imagine right along with you. Trust me, it’s AWESOME.

3. Make a commitment to find one time each week to have sex outside of the regular “it’s Saturday night, let’s do this” sexy time slot.  Fuck being tired…force yourself to push past that heavy-lidded feeling and kiss her like you mean business. Your boner alarm clock will wake you right up.

07.14.2010
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