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"My girlfriend has major jealousy issues but I’ve never done anything to make her not trust me. I’m getting really tired of having to explain myself, any advice?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Here is the thing about the thing.

Your girlfriend’s jealousy has NOTHING to do with you and everything to do with her own insecurities. So, you can’t really battle any of that by explaining yourself. Believe you me, I have had a number of conversations where I’m all ‘I’M NOT CHEATING ON YOU GET OVER YOURSELF’ and that helps no one.

If you can step back from the conversations slash yellversation (yelling conversation) and say ‘hey, is there something I’m specifically doing that makes you feel uncomfortable?’ If she says ‘yes, you tell your friends you love them’ then you can say ‘oh, ok, well we just have always said that, we’re best friends there are no feelings there I promise’ you have said your piece and we can move on to the next step (ALSO, if you ask her the above and she says ‘not really, i’m just nervous about us and I get freaked out that you might like someone more than me’ YOU CAN STILL MOVE ON TO THE NEXT STEP)…which is as follows: explain to her that it’s okay to be jealous and it’s okay to talk about the jealousy.

A lot of times, when we feel jealous we also feel stupid / like we’re not supposed to feel jealous so we don’t say anything until we’ve obsessed over the situation for 3 weeks, then we explode. If she knows that you understand everyone gets jealous and we all just need to talk about it, it’ll make her feel a little better. AND when she does flip out, don’t flip back, simply say ‘hey, i promise you have nothing to worry about, but also if you wanna talk about how that girl just hit on me and it was really rude and gross, we can do that.’ Generally, people just want you to understand where they’re coming from, if she feels understood she’ll feel a lot more comfy.

Kristin Says:


You guys… remember when people used to say big ups? Am I four hundred years old? What’s going on? WHERE ARE WE?

Anyway… the short answer here is: Stop explaining yourself.

The best thing you can do in this situation is to do the things you would normally do (ie: sleep over a friend’s house or go to the movies with your besties), and when boobear shouts and/or pouts, you need to say, “Okay, let’s talk about these feelings. I know that having a sleep over is a fun thing that I like to do, I know it’s important to me to share experiences with my friends, and I understand that sometimes that is hard for you. I am absolutely here to listen, but I am not going to give you excuses, and I am not going to change my plans, because I know that in doing that I am going to hurt us as a couple, and I love you to much to let that happen.”

You don’t have to use those EXACT words, but the fact of the matter is: NO ONE should change their behavior or feel that they have to ‘answer to’ anyone or ‘explain themselves’ unless they are rolling around naked with their friends. You have to be firm in what you believe to be right, and let your boo know that you are always there for her to help her explore those feelings.

Do not make her feel stupid or childish for feeling jealous.
Do be strong in your needs as her partner and facilitate conversations.

If she cannot have a conversation with you when you are adhering to the above, and still continues to make you feel less-than, it might be worth considering leaving the relationship. Sometimes there are really great boobears who need a little more time to grow themselves before they are ready to be a true partner to someone else.

Also featured in “The Hook-Up” on MTVAct and MTV’s It’s Your Sex Life


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I get really jealous really easily. Whenever my bf even talks to another girl I freak out. It’s driving a wedge between us, how do I stop?!

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

I think you have to just stop and rationalize with yourself. I mean, when it comes down to it you can’t (SLASH shouldn’t want to) control everything your boyf does and everyone your boyf talks to. SO, when he’s talking to someone and you’re like ‘WHY IS HE TALKING TO HER HE WOULDN’T TALK TO HER IF HE DIDN’T LIKE HER’ … Think to yourself ‘talking is not the same as making out’

That’s generally where everything stems from, you being afraid he’s gonna want to make out with someone else. I have a ton of friends, a lot of them are girls and I don’t want to make out with ANY of them #nooffensefranz. I’m sure you have a ton of friends you don’t want to make out with because that’s how life goes. You have friends and you have MORETHANFRIENDS. You are his more than friend, and you should trust that. AND if you’re feeling wonky about someone, talk to him about it and say ‘i’m feeling super insecure and I don’t know why so just tell me you love me most’

Bottom Line: it’s okay to be insecure sometimes, it’s okay to talk to him or ask him about his friends, it’s okay to be a little jealous. It’s not okay to let that jealousy take over. Before you jump on him for hanging out or talking to someone, have a talk with your own brain and put yourself in his shoes. That way when you approach him you will have calmed down a little and you won’t scream-yell-cry at him.

Kristin Says:

I am a jealous person, and I can tell you that the advice above is SPOT ON, folks. Jealousy is a powerful beast of a thing that will quite literally pop through your stomach like that Alien in Alien if you don’t deal with it – so don’t ignore it. Unless you want to have an alien baby that attacks your boyfriend.

I have found that by recognizing my jealousy as something that is THERE AND PRESENT but generally not at all grounded in facts or reality, I am able to talk about it with my boo. Here is a dramatization:

Me: Hey, I am having jealous feelings about Cynthia.
GF: Really? Why?
Me: I don’t know – and I know you aren’t going to make out with her, but sometimes when you laugh really hard at all her jokes I get a pit in my stomach and also I think she has a crush on you.
GF: Listen. I think your jokes are the funniest and I love you. Cynthia is my friend, but I totally understand why you feel that way, and I am glad you told me. We’ve been friends for a long time, and I know she doesn’t have a crush on me – but even if she did I would be with you, because you’re mine.
Me: I feel a little better for saying it out loud. Thanks for listening. I might tell you a couple more times about the feelings. I have all of the feelings.
GF: Yes, I know.

{makeout, she gives me a pony, buys me a house, and tells me I’m pretty. end scene}

Other than talking about it I HIGHLY SUGGEST sitting with the alien-baby feelings for AT LEAST AN HOUR before talking about them. A lot of times the feelings go in a trajectory that looks like this:


Wait til you get to the end of that to talk to him. Cool? Cool.