“I'm a 21-year-old female student and have feelings for another girl, really strong feelings that are far beyond friendship. But I don't want to be lesbian, I want these feelings to go away! I'm so desperate. What should I do now?”
-Question submitted by Anonymous
Dannielle Says:
You know when you go out against your will and you’re like ‘ugh, i really don’t wanna be out right now, i HATE dancing, i don’t like these people THAT much, drunk girls are dumb, i have homework to do, my head hurts and i just wanna be asleep’ AND THEN… your mothereffingJAM comes on (probably SINCE U BEEN GONE) and all of sudden your left arm goes up in the air, your jaw drops to the floor, your eyes get the size or grapefruits, the upper half of your body leans back, and in no time you’re doing this weird crab dance b/c you don’t GIVE A FUCK WHAT PEOPLE THINK B/C IT’S YOUR FUCKING JAM THIS IS KELLY WHY DOES NO ONE UNDERSTAND!?!??!!
Well, this is a lot like your life right now. I mean, let’s be real, this is a lot like everyone’s life before they figure themselves out. You’re going to feel these feelings again. If you decide ‘NO I DON’T WANT TO DANCE’ and you leave the bar, no matter where you go… SINCE U BEEN GONE is going to play again before your life is over. It’s going to play more than once, and eventually you’re going to jam the fuck out.
You can’t help how you feel, 21yearoldfemalestudent, but you CAN help what you do about it. You can try and suppress your feelings all you want, but they’re going to come back. The longer you try and pretend your feelings aren’t there, the harder they’re going to be to deal with.
Also. Why would you deny yourself the opportunity to love someone? Love is the most beautiful, fascinating, breathtaking, mind-blowing, nerve-wracking, nail-biting, wonderful experiences that life has to offer. Don’t pass it up just because you’re scared. Fear vs. Love, y’all.
btw. i’m totally going to start referring to ‘boning’ as ‘jamming out’
Kristin Says:
If anyone has ever wondered why Dannielle and I work so well together, it is because that is literally exactly what happens to my body when Kelly Clarkson plays. #shegetsme
In other news, yes, figuring out that you may be gay is a lot to handle. You have probably always seen your life a certain way…maybe a husband, a few kids, a couple of houses and an indoor swimming pool. I am not sure how that imaginary life looked, but since it is imaginary, I’m really hoping you included the indoor swimming pool. The hard truth of it all is that it was only imaginary. You cannot know what your life is going to look like before you live it, and so the only advice we can give to you is to stop fighting those feelings, and start trying to accept them.
You may fall in love with a woman who then cheats on you with a married woman whose husband takes solace in your understanding, so then you start boning the scorned husband and accidentally get pregnant and you keep the baby, but you resent the ex-husband so you leave him and move to a farm where you meet the woman of your dreams, and you raise your baby and adopt a dog and grow tomatoes and buy a swing for your porch.
Stop trying to figure out where to put the swing on your imaginary porch, and start at the part where you follow your feelings and kiss that first girl. The rest will follow, and there is no stopping any of it. Try to find people who can help you adjust to these new feelings, but don’t bury them. Take it one day at a time, and send us an email when you kiss that girl and are like, “HOLY BALLS I AM STILL NOT TOTALLY SURE I CAN DO THIS BUT WHEN DO I GET TO TAKE HER CLOTHES OFF?!?!”
“So I have asked my girlfriend to marry me....and somehow we got on the topic of happiness and I told her that if she ever found happiness with someone else that i would want her to tell me cause her being happy is the most important thing with me and she told me that later in life she might find a man (mind you she is bi) she said right now she's positive that she's in love with me but what happens if for some reason or another she finds a man. I could tell she was genuinely upset about what she just said but it still hurt a little. this may never happen but what if it does? should I still be with her? or should I leave her? it would kill me to but is that the best thing?”
-Question submitted by Anonymous
Dannielle Says:
Ways to ruin a relationship (1) talk about when it will end in the future.
YOU GUYS WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Who cares about the future, think about the now, think about the fact that you’re so in love with someone you want to marry them. Marriage equals spend your life together. That’s awesome and exciting and why would you be talking about the demise of your relaysh when you could be having the best time ever.
“What if” is the stupidest thing you could ever ask. Because, who cares? Why would you want to spend your relaysh being totally freaked out bc she might fall in love with someone else?? Trust the love you have and stop worrying about maybeinthefuture.
You want to know what worrying does? Absolutely nothing. It gives you anxiety for something that hasn’t even happened yet….wtf?! Why do people worry so much?! NOW GO BONE YOUR LOVER!
Kristin Says:
Hrm. Okay so, right. Talking in the language of “what ifs” is pretty much like laying a big slip ‘n’ slide in front of a cliff and then being like, “HEY YOU GUYS LET’S GO HAVE FUN ON THIS SLIP ‘N’ SLIDE.”
I have to say, though, I would be concerned if I had just asked someone to marry me and they were like, “Okay, but there is a chance I will meet someone else.” I know the conversation probably didn’t go so simply, but that is kind of an odd thing to say in the moment when you are committing to love someone for life. I would ask her if she has any concerns in the now (which it sound like you did), and if she does, you should talk through them together and see what is best for both of you. If she was just thinking aloud, though, and you have a wonderful and trusting and loving relationship, try to let go of the fear-of-it-all-crumbling.
The bottom line is this: If you both love each other and make each other happy and want to spend your lives together, DO THAT, and stop talking about the possibilities of demise. You could catch your big toe in the lawnmower tomorrow which would lead to a lawsuit which would make you both millionaires which would make her get her hair straightened which would make you less attracted to her which would make you break up. There are so many possibilities, you know?!
"I am 100% gay. I have known that for as long as I have been conscious of my own thoughts. I never came out to anyone though until a few months when I (accidentally) came out to a good friend. She has been encouraging me to come out to other people, but I'm hesitant to do that. In fact, I'm hesitant to do anything that would ever let anyone know that I'm gay ever again. Two reasons.
1. I want to be Secretary of State. Really I do. That's a tough goal as it is. Can I really afford to complicate my chances of reaching it further by making public my gayness?
2. I want kids. I am planning on adopting. Maybe I'm a horrible person for saying this, but I don't want to raise children with another woman. I feel like that would be making my children's lives unnecessarily harder. Beyond that, adopting as a gay couple is usually harder than as a single woman, crazy as that is.
Oo...third reason! I love my family and I am very close to them, but I know that they would never be okay with me being gay. Ever. If they found out, I would go from golden child to black sheep to beat all black sheep.
So I'm thinking I'll just stay single for the rest of my life, have my political career and raise my adopted children. It's not ideal. I am very much attracted to a woman now and I'm sure that I will continue to develop these strong crushes, but I feel as though I'll have to sacrifice some of my most important goals in life if I start a gay relationship. Thoughts?"
- Question submitted by Anonymous
Dannielle Says:
Well, when it comes down to it, you’re going to do what you want despite what we tell you to do. Furthermore, I don’t want to tell you what to do. I DO realize at this point in time, our country is run by republicans, churches and money. I DO realize this has a mad effect on your career choice, but there have been gays in the senate before, so we have a little bit of hope. Besides, Hillary Clinton is only, like, the third LADY Sec. of State, so you’re already having to clear some hurdles with that bad boy.
You don’t have to wear your pride on your sleeve no matter what your career choice is. Hopefully, the person you’re with will understand that you don’t want to flaunt your relationship. Honestly, it shouldn’t be an issue. There are a lot of amazing things you can do within our government, and I’m not sure how old you are, but there is always a chance things will be completely different by the time you reach that point.
That being said.
Falling in love is hands down the most amazing experience you could ask for. If you force yourself to avoid that experience, you are seriously missing out. You will never get from a career, what you can get from someone who loves every piece of you for who you are. You will never be as happy raising a child alone as you will raising a child with your other half.
Everything in life comes down to one decision: you or them.
Are you living your life for yourself or for everyone else. Do YOU want to be happy, or do you want to be unhappy to make THEM happy. Just think about it before you make any rash decisions, and take it day to day. You can’t plan your entire life right now b/c you have no idea what’s going to happen tomorrow.
Kristin Says:
I agree with pretty much everything Dannielle has said here…and I think your decision can be only that: your decision. The only input that I have is to tell you that this list of goals that you have is very clear, concise, specific, and logical. I often find that I have the ability to reason with this part of myself; in the moments when I can, everything fits nicely into a neat and tidy to-do list. However, I have another side that is emotional, unpredictable, and passionate. Personally, I know that I would never be able to operate solely in the logical, list-making head space. There is a place for that, but I would not feel that I was truly living my life if I didn’t also experience the passionate unpredictability of falling in love.
I am a person who aims to change the world around me by being honest about who I am, and challenging myself and others to accept that person. That being said, I would never argue that this is the “right” way. We all have very specific reasons for making choices in our lives, and I would never be so bold as to tell you what is the right choice for you. Do try, though, to make decisions that make you feel {truly) happy. It’s the only way to get what you want out of this backwards and confusing world.
"I'm not out. I'm not a virgin and I've been dating boys in a serious way since 7th or 8th grade- I'm a sophomore -and my sexual decisions have always been my own, and careful. I never just accidentally tumbled into bed with my ex. I like how boys feel in bed and when I grow up, I want to marry a boy and have his babies. That doesn't diminish how much I find girls attractive. I'm not asking you if I'm "bi or lesbian" (circle or square?) but rather, would it demean my relationships with girls in the future if I already know I want a lifetime with a man?"
-Question submitted by Anonymous
Dannielle Says:
Ok, so I have COMPLETE faith in your psychic abilities, and I’m not saying you CAN’T tell the future. Also, I’m not saying you CAN’T POSSIBLY KNOW WHAT YOU WANT WHEN YOU GROW UP….However, you can’t tell the future and you can’t possibly know what you will want when you grow up. It won’t demean anything if you date someone because you like them. Just like any relationship, the future will come up, and if you say ‘yea, i like you now, but i know for a fact I won’t like you in 10 years b/c I will be married to a man and we will probably not be friends or anything,’ your gf will probably be turned off and her feelings will be hurt and you will be an asshole. What you’re basically saying to me is, ‘no matter how much i love the girl i’m with, once i hit 30 it’s back to peenieween’ …. dude, just like who you like, and if you feel unsatisfied b/c your gf can’t release juices inside your uterus and get your preggies, fine you’re unsatisfied, but don’t try to plan your entire life around something you don’t know.
Kristin Says:
Am I the only one who continuously snarfs water out of their nose every time Dannielle says “peenieween”? It gets me every time.
I guess the question you really have to ask yourself is, how do you already know that you want a lifetime with a man? Or maybe, why, if you are attracted to both men and women, do you want to lifetime with a man and not a woman?
While you are answering those questions with the utmost certainty for yourself, let me tell you this: none of us have any idea where life is going to take us. It is a very comfortable thing to say, “I KNOW I will have and want these things,” but, as we all find out, years pass and things happen and all of a sudden you like mushrooms when you never did before, and you are wearing skinny jeans even though you swore you never would.
I apparently love giving advice in two parts, so here goes:
1) Be honest about your feelings with the women you date. Tell them you see yourself ultimately with a man, but would still love to have their company. Although things get very muddy in these situations, you will at least know that you were honest from the start about your intentions.
2) If all of a sudden, you are sitting at the dinner table in your skinny jeans, gazing fondly into your girlfriend’s eyes over a steaming bowl of mushroom soup, and you find yourself thinking, “Oh my. I love her. I want to be with her forever. And this mushroom soup is…so…good…” DON’T PANIC. Welcome to life.
