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Episode 119
What to do when you (inevitably) fall for your best friend.
advice, dreams, everyone is gay, friendships, kristin russo, lgbt, lgbt advice, relationships, sex
"I am having recurring romantic dreams about a not-too-close-but-good friend. I definitely don't like her like that, but I have them so often that it's becoming hilarious. I want to say something because I feel creepy and it's so funny that I keep dreaming this stuff but will that be awkward?"
-Question submitted by Anonymous
Dannielle Says:
LOL. I feel like the outcome of this will 100% depend upon how you approach not-too-close-but-good friend (N2CBGF). Let’s be real, if you sit her down and say “Hey N2CBGF, I’ve been having some uncomfortable dreams about us engaging in romantic activity, I’d love to have a conversation about these dreams because I think they are funny, but obviously that is still up in the air, as it may make you feel strange because what if it is based in my unconscious obsession with you…” THEN SHE WILL MAYBE FEEL WEIRD.
Howev, if you say “N2CGBF I KEEP HAVING SEXI DREAMS ABOUT YOU AND IT MAKES ME LOL EVERY TIME I DONT WANT OT HAVE SEXI WITH YOU, BUT IT’S SO FUNNY CAN WE PLEASE LOL TOGETHER THANK YOU”.. she will probs ask you to stop screaming, but also she will be much more likely to LOL with you (per your request).
Just express your actual feels and you’ll be fine.
Kristin Says:
Agree agreeeeeee agreeeeeeeee also pls start actually referring to her as N2CBGF bc I think that will help many facets of your relationship.
Also EVERYONE HOLD THE PHONE I JUST SOLVED YOUR PROBLEMS.
I looked up what sex dreams mean when you are not sexually attracted to the human being sexed-upon. Sorry for saying sexed-upon. The (all-knowing, all-seeing) internet told me that when you have these kinds of sex dreams, if the sex is PLEASURABLE, it means that you would like to have some of the characteristics of the human you are boning. So like, if your friend is super good at keeping commitments and is a good cook, maybe those are things you want to work on/have in your own life and so you SEXI HER IN YOUR DREAM BC YOU WANT THOSE THINGS.
So all you have to do is say, “OMG, for like two weeks I kept dreaming about having sex with you even though NO OFFENSE I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU, and I was like TF does this mean, and then I looked it up and it turns out that it means that I love the way you do your hair and also that you study really hard for your classes and those are things I want in my life, AND THAT IS WHY I DREAM ABOUT DOIN YOU, but I also wanted to tell you bc like, maybe that is also important in making them stop AGAIN NO OFFENSE BUT JUST I like being your friend.” Then take out a water bottle and pour it over your head like they do at the end of sports-games.
I think it will go great.
PS: If the dream-sex is not pleasurable it means you don’t want her worst qualities, in which case this plan doesn’t work. Bye.
***
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advice, everyone is gay, friends, friendship troubles, friendships, kristin russo, lgbt, lgbt advice, relationships, self-esteem, sex, social anxiety, wellbeing
"My best friend keeps bringing up that I have done next to nothing sexual. She does it jokingly, but it’s a very sore subject for me.. I don’t know if it’s just an insecurity of mine or if she’s being insensitive or both? PS I argued that according to a 2006-2008 CDC survey 54% of teens haven’t had sex, but she said that most teens wouldn’t report it. Do you have insights into this subject and to my problem?"
- Question submitted by Anonymous
Dannielle Says:
I can’t give you stats because my insight is that your sexual experiences have literally nothing to do with the sexual experiences of those around you. I don’t care how many people your age have or haven’t had sex and how they’ve done it and how many times they’ve done it and with what kind of people they’ve done it, none of that matters.
The bummer in this situation is your friend, making you feel shitty for having a preference. Sex is like anything else in the world. You have to do the things that make you feel best. When you are making decisions about sex, do what it is that you want. Have sex when YOU want, with whom YOU want, how YOU want, and ask for the things that make YOU feel good. It doesn’t matter what your friends and your magazines and your statistics say. Don’t do it just to do it, don’t do it to prove a point, don’t do it because of your age, do it because you WANT to.
Tell your friend just that. She can keep making jokes, but you’ll do the sexy things you want to do when you want to do them, AND once you do them… you might not even tell her because you should only tell people about your sexitimes IF YOU WANT TO. Also, the last thing she wants is for you to have sex with someone you don’t want to have sex with just because she’s pressuring you. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?!?!
Kristin Says:
Agree on all counts HOWEVER, there was a tiny piece of that question that wondered whether or not you were interpreting her behavior a particular way because your were feeling insecure. I want to look at that for a hot second, and give your friend here the benefit of the doubt, just in case that is an important little clue you left for us…
There is a chance that your friend, in truth, doesn’t give a flying fuck when you have sex, what you do, or how you do it. There is a chance that your friend is, in actuality, your friend, and so cares more about you than what you are doing with your body parts. There is a chance your friend thinks that she is making light of a silly thing called sex, but that because this whole goddamned world makes us all feel like sex is a Holy Grail of achievement, that you are hearing her jokes as weighty judgements.
My advice is to start there, and start there in two ways:
1. Think about what Dannielle said. Really, truly think about it. Sex is fun for people who enjoy sex and who are ready for sex, absolutely… but like… it’s not the big mysterious all-powerful monstrosity of a thing that the world makes it out to be. It is bodies on bodies making biology do a thing that makes more biology do things that makes us FEEL GOOD BC OF BIOLOGY. You can get some of the same brain-responses from eating a cookie (I don’t actually know this to be true, but I am sure there is cookie/sex science somewhere?). Like D said, you do things when and how you want to do them and you tell who you want and you move along on your own journey. Anyone who judges you is a total dummy.
2. Talk to your friend!!! In a moment where sex is not at all even remotely being talked about, say, “Listen. You know how you’ve had sex and I haven’t had sex and sometimes you make casual jokes about it? I am having a hard time being casual in my brain, because I feel really conflicted about the fact that I haven’t had sex yet, and I am trying to work through what I even want when it comes to sexy stuff and feeling all sorts of wobbly. Is it cool if we put a temporary hold on the jokes for now, and if I want to talk about things more I will let you know?”
I think the odds are high that your friend will hear you out. Especially as a human who has supposedly had sex, she MUST know that it really isn’t a thing that is the same for any two people or worthy of such pressure. Yeah? Yeah.
***
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"I’m really upset about being home for winter break from college. Everything about my home situation has changed since I left (moving, some serious illness, separations) which makes me feel super anxious and I was genuinely happy at school. I also really miss my boo and my friends. How do I deal?"
- Question submitted by Anonymous
Dannielle Says:
Ay yi yi. Here’s the thing. I can give you all the tips in the world, but the fact of the matter is… home is where your GD heart is. There just IS NO WAY AROUND IT. If your heart is at school with your boo and your friends, that’s your home. We just find our perfect little fit and we leave our hearts there, and that makes it SO HARD to spend holidays / life events in another place.
I’m a huge advocate of doing what makes you feel calm, happy, and excited. I also think in the grand scheme, a couple of weeks isn’t that big of a deal. It’ll probably suck. You’re far away from all the things that make you feel loved, supported, and comfortable. You’re in the middle of a messy situation and mostly because you feel obligated to be there… You’re already anticipating it’ll suck. When you anticipate suck, stuff usually sucks.
SO, THE ADVICE PART. It’ll probs suck, but it’s a tiny piece of your year. (1) stick it out, (2) create an escape, (3) breathe.
(1) – You’ll get through, and you’ll head back to school for the happiest boo and friend reunion of all time.
(2) – Don’t be afraid to take some time to yourself. Take 30 mins to listen to “The Heart Wants What it Wants” via Selena Gomez over and over. It’s totally about Justin Bieber, it’s so obvious. Also, set up friend skype dates, and booboo facetimes and feel okay about taking some time for you.
(3) – Seriously, breathe. I know you’ll stifle all the things you wanna say and wanna do, because you don’t want to be a pain, and you don’t feel like starting a fight. Every time you want to scream, breathe in for 5 seconds, breathe back out for 5 seconds and say all of the terrible things vv loudly in your own head.
I AM DIGITALLY HERE 4 U.
***
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advice, crush, everyone is gay, first move, friends, friendships, heartbreak, kristin russo, lgbt, lgbt advice, relationships
"All of your advice scenarios for when you have feelings for a friend seem to have sunny outcomes. Even if she doesn’t return the feelings, nobody gets their heart broken and the friendship continues unharmed. But what if it doesn’t work out that way? Aren’t there times when you really do lose a good friendship because of your romantic feelings? What do you do if trying to stay friends is screwing with your heart but the friend is too important to you to lose?"
- Question submitted by Anonymous
Dannielle Says:
UGH. This is tough. And it’s so hard to predict the future for all of the humans in the whole world. I’m sure there are so many scenarios where no one comes out unscathed. I’m certain there are times when the friend feels so uncomfortable that they can’t act like things are fine, and as time moves on the two people just slowly drift apart. I’m sure there are times when the friend doesn’t return feelings and the human who has the feelings is wayyyy too heartbroken to pretend things are cool. All of these things make perfect sense, BUT I think they can all end up okay.
I think if you end up on the crap side of the scale, remember that nothing is permanent. LITERALLY, nothing in the world is forever. So, even if things don’t go well and your friendship is strained and things are weird and you start to drift apart. That’s okay and it could change.
I had a BFF and we fell in luv and it wasn’t meant to be and it ended pretty bad and we WERE NOT FRIENDS for a while. A long while, like, three years while. BUT nothing is permanent and we figured it TF out. We’re literally best friends now and that’s how it was always supposed to be, we both know that now. It was rough to have such a crap shoot of a time because of love. Hearts can ruin shit, you know? But hearts can also fix shit, with time and patience. I’m sorry if you fell in love with your bff and the feelings aren’t returned, but the situation being terrible right now does not mean it will be terrible forever. You absolutely can get that friendship back. Be patient, don’t give up, and remember why you loved each other in the first place.
Kristin Says:
As you might be able to tell, it is typically hard for us to wrap our brains around something that doesn’t, eventually, work out enough where both parties can feel good again in some capacity. I do think that in the majority of situations, time and healing and a combination of space and dialogue can (again, eventually) get close friends back to the place where they want and need to be. Does it mean that you might not be able to see that friend for awhile? Maybe. Does it mean you might need to fall in love with someone else before you can mend your heart enough to bridge that gap? Possibly. Only you and time can tell.
However, let me just consider what you are suggesting right now, and consider the possibility that your heart can never heal enough to reconnect or that you will drift too far apart to ever reconnect again, even if your heart does heal.
That is the absolute worst, and losing a close friend for any reason is a heartbreak that hurts deeply… and even moreso when it feels like you are losing a best friend and a potential significant other all at once. The thing about relationships, whether they be friendship, romantic, or a combination therein, is that they shift and grow and change over time. Sometimes those changes mean that you grow apart. You growing apart does not hinge ONLY on your feelings for your friend. Growing apart happens for many, many reasons that collect and converge over time. You feel differently, you want different things, you can’t find common ground, and so – as much as it hurts – you walk away.
I have lost a best friend. Not because I fell in love with him, but because we grew apart in other ways that just weren’t fixable. It hurt like hell, and occasionally I still think on that relationship fondly and miss the times we shared… but at the same time I know that it was what was then, and now it is no longer that thing. You have to take care of your heart first. Right now you need space Take it. If you find that in several months you want to reconnect and try again, do it… and if it cannot work, then cherish the wonderful things and step forward to new landscapes.
It’s not easy, we know.
But you can do it, and so can your friend, and… what will be, will be.
<3
***
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