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“So, I did something great for me: I had sexy time with a total hottie. So, yay me. However, said hottie is in an open relationship, which I knew beforehand, and once I was certain of transparency, I went ahead, because hottie. This person is interested in meeting up again, and otherwise I’d be down but – is this weird? Am I now invading on something? To me, once is kosher. More than that seems scandalous. My friends think that it isn’t my responsibility to determine their boundaries. Help.”

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Kristin Says:

Your friend is totally right! Yay for the hottie! Yay for having smart friends! Yay for all the things!

Here’s the deal: right now you only know two words, and you are basing your feels on those two words. What does “Open” mean?! It could mean a bajillion-trillion things. What does “Relationship” mean?! It could mean a deca-quadrillion things. What does “Dodecahedron” mean?! Just asking in general on that one.

Seriously, tho, maybe Hottie is in a relationship where sex with other humans is totally cool in unlimited quantities but romantic relationships with other humans are not okay, maybe Hottie is in a relationship where other relationships of any kind are totally fine, maybe Hottie can only sleep with people who write into Everyone Is Gay with a question (YOU DID IT YOU PASSED THE TEST!), maybe a lot of things… and you aren’t gonna know a thing until you ask a thing.

So, do this: Respond to Hottie. Go sexy time it the fuck up with Hottie. Go to the bathroom and jump up and down when Hottie isn’t looking bc YAY YOU HAD GR8 SEXY TIME AGAIN. Tell Hottie, “Yo, I enjoyed that very much. I want you to know I am kosher (you like to say kosher, just trying to make this natural) with how things are, and would love to know more about the boundaries in your other relationship!”

Then you LEARN and then Hottie LEARNS (bc btw you also should know what you are doing and what you are okay with and what you aren’t and set those boundaries for yourself!) and everyone gets SEXYTIME.

Open relationships are not weird – we are just taught by THE MAN that we are SUPPOSED to do things one way and only one way. Let me spoiler something for you: THE MAN doesn’t ever get anything right. Ever.

PS: Give your friend a high-five for me. <3

***
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05.13.2015
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“I’m a 14 year old gay (bi?) girl and i go to a sleepaway camp for most of the summer. My problem is that I dont want to hide my sexuality from the girls in my cabin, but I worry because we shower/ swim/change in front of each other, and while im not going to be looking at any of them, i worry that theyll think I am. It seems easiest to hide it, but I dont think I can do that. I desperately want to go back to hike and enjoy myself, even if the girls arent the nicest. Do you have any advice? thanks”

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Here’s the thing. You aren’t going to be checking everyone out in the showers, you aren’t going to be staring at everyone wearing a swimsuit, and you aren’t going to wait around for someone to change in front of you… you just AREN’T. You never were going to be doing any of that and you’ll move forward with no plans to do any of it.

In fact, I’m willing to bet that the girls who don’t want to be making out with other girls will look at one another WAY MORE than you will look at any of them. They’ll be comparing their bodies, checking out everyone’s swim suits, asking about bras, etc.

I think you should do what makes you feel most comfortable. If you’re only comfy being out to a few close friends and you trust them, go that route. If you feel cool being “out and proud” and suggesting a fun night of like coming out around the campfire, DO IT. If you don’t want to be out because you’re there to hike and camp and do crafts and dance and eat smores… don’t be out! It’s a part of who you are, but it isn’t ALL of who you are, and it is 100000% up to you whether or not you want to be out.

It sounds to me like you want to be out, so I think you should. Talk to a few people you feel comfortable with, make sure you have some folks on your side. ALSO, if anyone is like “i dont want to shower near her bc she’s gay” you can just be like “yea, I don’t want to shower near her either bc she’s straight” and then roll your eyes and walk away.

Kristin Says:

Yup yup yupppppp. I remember being TERRIFIED to come out to my college roommates for the exact same reasons. I was convinced that if I told them I was gay they would feel uncomfortable living with me and think that instead of friendship I actually wanted bone-ship, you know? Nothing I did would have given them that idea… and truthfully nothing they did signaled that they would make such a drastic, sweeping assumption. None of that mattered, though, because my brain, the little devil that it is, had plenty of its own ideas.

It is so, so scary to think that others might make assumptions about you and feel uncomfortable just being in your presence. However, no matter what the outcome is, imagining what it MIGHT be like is almost always much, much worse than what it ACTUALLY winds up being like. I agree with Dannielle’s feeling from your words — it sounds like you really want to be out. My gut says that you are going to come out and your friends and the majority, if not all, of the other campers are going to love and accept you and at most make jokes in an attempt to let you know everything is totally okay. If you do have a few stragglers/strugglers, I want you to do your best at reminding yourself that their issues are their issues, not yours. In this scenario I fully support the rolling-your-eyes tactic to let everyone know that you’re over it and they should be, too.

If it makes it easier, come out armed and ready by saying:

“I wanted to come out to you all but was convinced you’d think I was checking you out in the showers so I have prepared a speech. I am [gay/bi/whatever] and don’t flatter yourselves because I only have eyes for Demi Lovato and 70% of the clones on Orphan Black.”

This gives everyone a chance to laugh, including you, and a GREAT next topic which is OMG ORPHAN BLACK WHO IS UR FAVE CLONE OMG.

…You’ve got this.

(Also, sidebar: I went on a hike in LA and almost got eaten by a rattlesnake so BE CAREFUL.)

***
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04.1.2015
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“I’m in college and just overheard my roommate telling her friend she doesn’t support marriage equality or parents telling their children it’s ok for girls to kiss girls. We’re friends but she doesn’t know I’m bisexual because I have a long term boyfriend, but this really got to me. I want to assert my pride and values but at the same time don’t want to ruin our friendship. Any advice?”

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Here’s the deal, your friendship is already kinda screwy. You ALREADY feel weird about the situation. Not saying something is only making you feel a little bit worse and it’s not making your friendship any better.

I would say something, but be kind in doing so. These kinds of conversations can go sour pretty fast if you’re trying to tell someone their beliefs are wrong. Being away at college is complicated, too, because you’re finally in an environment where you aren’t completely clouded by the thoughts / opinions of your parents and your parents friends, etc. You finally have a chance to start learning about the world in a different light, you finally get to meet people who are different from you, you finally get to experience life as your own and come to understand the way you truly feel.

Say to your friend, “Hey, I overheard you saying some stuff and I wanted to have a conversation. I do identify as bisexual and I know that you might not be totally okay with that, but we are friends and I do value our relationship. I just kind of wanted to talk to you about those things because what you said hurt my feelings and I just wanted to clear the air a little bit.”

I guess I sounded a little bit like a robot, but like YOU GET THE GIST. Be kind, recognize that people opinions can change, take into account that she was saying a bunch of things back when she had no idea that it would affect one of her close friends.

 

Kristin Says:

Hm. Well, in my opinion the key word in this question is “roommate.”

If this was a friend of yours, period, I would say one MILLION percent follow Dannielle’s advice above and have a respectful conversation with your friend. In that scenario, generally one of two things will happen: 1) Your friend will have a meaningful dialogue with you, both parties will feel mutually respected, and the friendship will deepen, or 2) Your friend will respond poorly to your words and reject your identity or make you feel disrespected in some way, and the friendship will wane. These are both excellent outcomes, because, as Dannielle already stated, you don’t want to deepen a relationship with someone who won’t respect your identity.

However, you have the added complication where, if the latter happens, you still are living with this person for the balance of the year.

With that in mind, I want to say:

It is March, which means you likely only have a couple more months of living in the same space. In this light, I think you should have that conversation as soon as you feel comfortable and ready.

Also, it issss March, so if you want to wait until the end of the semester and have the conversation when you are legit done living with this person, that is totally cool.

But again, it iiiiiisssss March. Just kidding, I don’t have another point that hinges on March …that just started to feel fun.

SO. The long and short of it all is: you have to navigate this situation as you see fit for yourself, and your comfortability. Your question is phrased in a way that makes me think you are worried about your friend’s feelings more than your own While I appreciate your big heart, that should not be your central focus. Your friend has said words and expressed views that invalidate you as a person. Your feelings are hurt, and they matter more than enough to be spoken, regardless of what that means for your friendship.

I agree with Dannielle that you expressing your position doesn’t need to automatically throw her in the “wrong” bin as this will likely make her defensive, but she has to learn that her opinions and words affect other people around her. Maybe you will be the first bisexual person she knows, and maybe hearing how her words affected you will open her eyes to the real, lived experience of so many people around her.

***
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03.18.2015
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"How do I deal with thinking my friend is in a bad relationship? They nearly broke up but are getting back together and I’m scared she will get hurt again, but want to be supportive."

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

I was once off-and-on seeing someone who was not at all interested in a relationship. I was cool with it, took the ‘we’re sleeping together sometimes’ role and did not give her anything relationshippy. HOWEVER, I did WANNA date the shit out of her, so I was bummed out, but didn’t think I was allowed to be, and neither of us were getting what we wanted. I talked to one of my BFFLs who said, “Dannielle. You get one year. ONE YEAR. You can’t do this back and forth shit forever, it’s not fair to anyone.”

I took what she said with a grain of salt at the time because guess what… no one ever listens to anyone when they’re in the middle of a THING with a PERSON. We just don’t. We can’t wrap our minds around the right thing to do because we’re wrapped up in a REAL LIVE HUMAN BEING. That’s the end all be all truth of everything. We get caught up, y’all.

I will tell you, though, there were a number of friends who didn’t tell me to get my shit together. They would listen to me, they would offer advice, and they’d say, “I don’t know, I don’t feel like it should be this hard, if you want to be together, be together, and you should be with someone who wants to be with you.” They didn’t tell me what to do, but they did give a gentle suggestion that helped me find my own way. AND when we rounded the bend of one-year and things were 100% over, I thought about what my BFFL said. She was absolutely right.

Kristin Says:

Yeaaaaahhh, this is that whole You-Can-See-It-Clearly-From-The-Outside thing, and it’s a tricky little bugger. I think this scenario has gradients and nuances and COMPLEXITIES, if you will, so here is what I say:

1) If the relationship is bad for her in the sense that she is being emotionally or physically abused, this conversation ends here, you close your laptop, you tell her that you are concerned for her well-being, and if she doesn’t listen you speak to someone else in her life and sit her down again with more support.

2) Your question doesn’t seem to imply that the above scenario is what’s up, so now we move to What-Do-You-Do-For-Her-Because-Jesus-Christ-Why-Is-She-Doing-This? …You listen. You tell her your concerns once, maybe twice, possibly three times over the span of a few months, and then… you listen. She will know good and goddamn well that you are concerned but more than this she needs to know that you are there for her. This is the only way she will be comfortable enough to open up if and when shit starts to hit the fan again, and hopefully end it once and for all.

3) What-Do-You-Do-For-YOU-Because-Jesus-Christ-Why-Is-She-Doing-This? …You do what you can. You can’t be expected to pick her up over and over and over again if she keeps running back into this wall. Be as patient as you can, but when you feel yourself wearing thin, tell her. Say, “I love you and I want you to be happy, but I am watching you walk back into this same wall over and over again… and I can’t keep comforting you if you keep turning back around and doing the same thing.” It’s tough, but it’s true, and you really can’t comfort a person forever.

4) As much as you can, let it be what it will. You are probably right. She will probably get hurt again. But… maybe she won’t. One of my closest friends is married to a person who cheated on her SPECTACULARLY within their first year of dating. They got married a year later and we were all like Oh no oh no oh nooooooo…. and they’ve been married for a billion years. So, like… sometimes you just never can tell.

(PS: Dannielle, you should know by now that I AM ALWAYS RIGHT.)

***
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03.11.2015
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"(Tegan & Sara voice) Everything is awful / Everything’s the worst when you kiss your roommate / Everything is awful / When you wish you could date… So I live with two of my very closest friends. I kissed one of them last night and it nearly progressed a lot further. We can’t tell our other roommate because she’ll feel betrayed and might even move out. How do we live with ourselves? How do we prevent this from happening again even though we both kind of want it to?"

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

(Tegan & Sara voice) Everything is awesome / Everything is awesome / Everything is cool….

YOU FOUND SOMEONE THAT YOU WANT TO KISS AND THAT SOMEONE WANTS TO KISS YOU BACK. That is fucking dope. Are you kidding me?? People all over the world are falling over with envy bc we are all search for lips that match our own and you FOUND SOME.

I don’t understand why your roommate would feel betrayed?? People fall in like all the time???? You can’t help how you feel!?!? What does Roomie3 expect from the two of you?! Ultimate devotion?!

If the two of you are honest with Roomie3, she should make a little room for some understanding. It’s difficult living with a couple, for sure, but you JUST started making out, you aren’t a deep-committed-forever-relationships YET, you know?

Sit her down, tell her that stuff happened and turns out you like each other. If she’s weirded out, ask her if there’s anything you can do to make her feel more comfortable. You should totally respect her space and not hump each other on her vanity, or whatever, but you are def allowed to fall in like with your roomie.

Kristin Says:

(Tegan and Sara voice) All I want to get is / A little bit closer / All I wanna know is / Can you come a little closer?

THAT IS LEGIT GOING TO BE YOU AND YOUR ROOMMATE EVERY DAMN DAY IF YOU “CALL IT OFF.” SHE IS ALWAYS GOING TO BE “BACK IN YOUR HEAD” AND YOU ARE GOING TO BE LIKE UGH “I CAN’T TAKE IT” AND THEN SHE WILL START MAKING OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE AND YOU’LL BE “SO JEALOUS” AND SHE WILL COME TO HER SENSES AND BE LIKE “I WAS A FOOL” AND YOU WILL JUST MAKE OUT ANYWAY WHILE “LOVE THEY SAY” PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.

Phewf.

You guys. You cannot stop feelings. The more you try to stop feelings, the more intense the feelings get, and the more dramatic everything becomes. You kissed your roommate. That means she is no longer just your roommate. You are going to keep making out. What happens from there I cannot tell you and shit might get sticky (lol) and maybe feelings will get weird… but you have to go through it.

Tell your third roommate. Feel free to show her this post, or just be like, “I MEAN HAVE YOU EVER HAD A FEELING” and she should get it and understand and chill. So long as you both act like responsible adults, this shouldn’t affect her very much at all. Respect lease agreements. Don’t make out during group TV time. Don’t leave your vibrator in the shower. Spend some time with her NOT as a couple. Do your chores. Tada.

Also you didn’t ask for this advice but DO NOT SLEEP IN EACH OTHER’S BEDS EVERY DAMN NIGHT. You must have respect for space in a situation like this and you MUST BE STRICT ABOUT IT.

Capesh?
Good talk.

This post brought to you by Tegan & Sara™

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03.4.2015
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