"Hello~ How do I avoid having fluid sexuality? I want a solid sexuality. I tend to identify more as lesbian (teehee!) but I sometimes think I’m just going through a phase! Guys really just don’t cut it for me! Thank you so much for reading, your blog is so helpful and cute. ♥♥♥"
- Question submitted by Anonymous
LOL. THOSE HEARTS. I dunno, I think the only way to “avoid having fluid sexuality” is to embrace the fact that your feelings may change but RIGHT NOW you are [INSERT LABEL HERE].
I don’t believe a thing can be a ‘phase’ because even if you only fall in love with someone for four months, your attraction to that human isn’t a ‘phase’ it was something that happened and it was meaningful and real.
So, call yourself whatever you want. Claim your identity, scream it from the rooftops, get a tattoo, get some t-shirts and magnets and what not. Be that thing. Be the thing you say you are… and if that changes embrace the shit out of it. Who cares that you may fall for someone or be into someone who doesn’t fit into the tiny box of people you say you’re attracted to?? WHO CARES. Do you. Identify as you’d like for now and if your feelings and attractions change over time, identify with another word that fits you a little better.
So basically what we are saying here is ‘the way you can avoid having a fluid sexuality is by being solid in the fact that your sexuality my be fluid.’
THIS IS WHY PEOPLE MUST LOVE OUR ADVICE…
In all honesty, though, you can’t tell your sexuality what it can or cannot be. I love that you are a a Teehee Lesbian, and Teehee Lesbians are fantastic and that could very well be what you are forever and ever and ever, amen (teehee). However, living your life in fear that you may shift or change in someway that impacts that identity is not good for your insides. I promise.
I’ve said this before, but I spent many a year terrified that I would have feelings for a boy and then my whole identity would be undone… but YOU GUYS… that’s just not true. My identity is my identity and the only thing I was doing by being so afraid was stifling the very identity itself!
Do what Dannielle says: be who you are right now. Own it. Solidly. Surround yourself with people who understand that SHIT IS COMPLEX and WE ARE WHO WE ARE (so, someone like Ke$ha I guess?), so that you can feel even stronger in being you. This bullshit about people not being accepted in communities because they aren’t a “REAL” queer person or because their identities or feelings have shifted over time?! Over. It.
Moral: You be you, don’t be afraid of change or shifts because, I will tell you what… whatever is gonna happen is gonna happen, no matter what you try to avoid. That’s just life. <3
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"So I currently identify as pan/demi. But sometimes I feel asexual, or straight, etc. Is sexuality-fluidity a thing? Or does that fall under being pansexual?"
- Question submitted by Anonymous
I think this is a pretty subjective question. I call myself a gay, but I know full well I’m totally attracted to humans that would make it so I don’t “fit” that description. HOWEVER, that is the word I choose and the word I like and the word that makes me feel comfortable.
I don’t think we created these labels because we wanted to define the few categories there were so each person could pick the ONE CATEGORY they fit into. I don’t think that makes sense. I think the words were created so we could recognize that the human experience isn’t just ONE THING. We have these words so that we have the ability to recognize there are people who experience life and feels the same way we do. Or at least, in a similar way.
You’d be surprised to find how many people feel exactly how you feel. In fact, there are so many books and academic papers and essays written about sexual fluidity and how troublesome it can be to try and fit yourself into one tiny little box of a category.
If it makes you feel better to say you’re pansexual, and to define what that means to you, go for it. Your identity is just that, it’s yours. I identify as gay, to me, that means I am primarily attracted to cisgender ladies, but I would fucking marry Janet Mock in a heartbeat and I would make out with Zac Efron for HOURS. So, does that mean I can’t claim my own identity? NOPE. I AM WHO I AM AND WHO I AM IS A GAY BASICALLY MOST TIMES.
This is exactly why identity is the best and the worst all in one confusing package.
Firstly, Anon, if all of the feelings you have fall under what you mean when you say ‘pansexual,’ then f*ck yea, it all falls under pansexual! That’s what Dannielle is saying about identity being ours to claim and define. If you tell someone you are pansexual and then they declare that such an identity means you cannot also be asexual or demisexual, then they are misinformed. Who you are attracted to and how you prefer to act on those attractions are not dependent on one another, nor do they need to be connected in the same way for each human being. That wouldn’t make any SENSE. Being asexual or demisexual does not and cannot make you any less pansexual. COME ON YOU GUYS.
Also, the very base definition of the word pansexual is to suggest that gender isn’t something that explicitly determines your attraction to another person. I don’t use the word pansexual in identifying myself to others but I sure as hell don’tthink that gender plays a dominant role in who I find attractive (or at least not in the ways that society seems to think it would). Why don’t I use the word to self-identify? I have NO idea. Words are hard.
However, this isn’t about me, it’s about YOU, Anon. You may also recognize feelings that set off your ‘straight’ alarms a little more fiercely than the rest at times because a) they are the most identifiable since they are reflected everywhere, or b) you are afraid that those within the LGBTQ community will exclude you if you aren’t “gay” or “pan” or “whatever” enough to fit into the community (on this note I will hold back my angry diatribes). Maybe it’s both things, maybe it’s neither or something else entirely, but I can tell you this —- if the word pansexual makes sense to you and your feelings, then that word belongs to you, and it can include being demisexual and asexual if you want it to, and it also certainly includes feeling attracted to all genders — even if your brain might signal some as “straight.”
Lastly, you asked if sexuality is fluid.
You better f*cking believe it is.
Perhaps you want to know, can our identities and attractions change and shift given the space of time?
You better f*cking believe they can.
Maybe, still, you wonder if all of us have a responsibility to each other and ourselves to respect those shifts and changes and identities?
YOU BETTER F*CKING BELIEVE WE DO.