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“How do you even do relationships? Like when do you hold hands, when do you send good morning texts? HOW DO YOU DO THIS.”

-Question Submitted by Anonymous

Shane Says:

First, remain calm.

Next, keep a foreign passport and a wad of foreign currency in a secure safety deposit box. Inevitably, you will make a huge fool of yourself—autocorrect will change “good morning” to “good mounting,” perhaps—and you’ll need a swift getaway. Tuscany sounds nice.

If you’re both jumping out of an airplane, you should definitely hold hands.

As for morning texts, I like to send a solid string around 4AM:

‘Good Morning’

‘carpe diem!’

‘LOL’

*six coffee emojis*

‘… that means “seize the day” in Latin’

‘whatcha thinkin’ about?’

Truthfully, Anonymous, there is no reliable algorithm for a successful relationship. Hand-holding and text messages are great but, like any expression of love or affection, should come from a place of kindness and generosity.

In fact, decades of research by psychologist John Gottman demonstrate how kindness and generosity not only contribute to healthy, long-lasting relationships, but also to healthy, long-lasting immune systems. You can read more about his research in this article, published in The Atlantic, but here’s the gist: be kind, be generous.

And learn to be kind in small, regular ways. Keep an eye out for moments of gratitude… when they pretend they didn’t hear you fart, or when they pay for the Uber at the end of the night. Remind them that you’re grateful for those crappy days when they made you laugh.

Give the best of yourself: give some time, give your undivided attention, and sometimes, as much as it sucks, give them some space. It sounds corny, but it counts.

Yes, eventually you will make a fool of yourself, and you’ll be looking up one-way flights out of the country. But learn what works for you in a relationship, and take the time to learn what works for them. Kindness and generosity tend to double back, so it’ll come in handy when you feel vulnerable or uncomfortable.

Be kind. Be generous. Limit yourself to three texts before noon. Remain calm.

***

Shane Billings resides in Los Angeles, where his Master’s Degree in Screenwriting hangs next to a Jane Fonda Workout record. He has no cats, two plants, and many wigs.

Got a question that needs answering? Submit it here! 

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"Hi, I recently went to a Rainbow Youth Night in my local area and saw someone I knew from school. The thing is, they introduced themselves to my friend with a different name than the one they are know by at school(with pronouns they,them). I would love to approach this person and ask which name they'd prefer me using because I'd hate to be calling them something they're not comfortable with, I just don't know what exactly to say. Also I've been working up the courage to ask this person out so.."

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Kristin Says:

Oh this is great, this is just GREAT.

You see, because you have two lovely, totally awesome questions to ask! Here’s how it’s gonna go:

YOU: Hi, I have two important questions to ask you.

THEM: Cool, I love questions.

YOU: What name do you prefer I use for you?

THEM: Oh! Thanks for asking. I would love it if you called me Todd.

YOU: Awesome. So, Todd, would you like to go on a date with me?

THEM: Did Kristin of Everyone Is Gay tell you how to ask me out, because this is SO ROMANTIC. Yes, yes I would. *heart eyes*

BOTH OF YOU: *in love forever*

~ end scene ~

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"There's this girl that I like and I want her to know that I'm interested in getting to know her better. So I though about doing the whole "Hey, wanna get coffee sometime?" thing but I legit HATE coffee and like everything else (tea, Starbucks, you know). What is an acceptable causal meet up place for me and this super cute girl?"

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Kristin Says:

First of all, might I suggest that you begin by saying, “I have wanted to ask you to grab a coffee for awhile now… but I hate coffee. So in the interest of honesty, I was wondering if you’d like to NOT get coffee with me?!”

Then, maybe she will giggle or chortle or nervously tap her foot or roll her eyes. If she rolls her eyes, roll yours back and forget it. No one likes an eye roller. If she does any of the other things or signals in anyway that she’d like this dialogue to continue, then might I suggest:

GETTING ICE CREAM or if you don’t eat dairy GETTING DAIRY FREE ICE CREAM. I think I may have started off too strong with my ideas here, because I cannot think of anything that would be better than an ice cream date. Please stop reading and go ask her to ice cream.

Okay so you either hate ice cream (WHO ARE YOU EVEN) or the only ice cream store in your town is owned and operated by your ex (BUMMMMMER), so here are a few more ideas:

GOING TO A MUSEUM! Museums rule and sometimes they even have exhibits where butterflies land on you or where there are dioramas of moose (mooses?) and stuff. Come on. It will be so fun!

WALKING IN A PARK! SITTING ON A PARK BENCH! SWINGING ON A SWING SET! ANYTHING PARK-Y! Spring is here and even if your city is still a snowy-tundra, having a fun park adventure is almost always a good time. If you time it right (post-snow), you can even buy soft pretzels (if you live near a park big enough to have soft-pretzel vendors), or buy a pack of skittles to share while you walk & talk. Eh?!

LAZER TAG? Probably this is a little extreme but the thought of you being like “I hate coffee so the other casual activity I thought of that we could do is play lazer tag,” made me laugh really hard, so. You’re welcome.

DO YOU LIKE BOOKS? HOW ABOUT A BOOKSTORE HANG? Sorry if this is too nerdy for you but like, I love bookstores and bookstores need people in them so this is a win-win for society. You have a place to go with this girl, you can talk about your fave comics or books, you can each buy something and help support independent booksellers, what could be better??!?!

ICE CREAM. Ice cream could be better, probably, because ice cream rules. So, if she’s super pumped about ice cream you can make your SECOND date a bookstore and your third date a park and your fourth date going to a museum and then you can have your wedding at a lazer tag park.

I am so, so glad that we had this talk.

Best of luck / Invite me to the wedding,
Kristin

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Ahhh I brought a girl back to my room! What now?

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Kristin Says:

Anonymous!!!!

Did you type this WHILE SHE WAS IN YOUR ROOM WAITING?!

This question is from like three months ago so, listen… First of all, sorry for the delay. Second of all, I hope it all worked out and you went back in there and leaned casually on the doorframe and said something like, “Well this is weird, isn’t it? Who wants to kiss, am I right?!”

If, however you are still hiding in a corner, crouched at your computer, feeling terrified: you can calm down because she probably left, feeling a little confused, a couple months ago. In which case, GO FIND HER, and show her this post and say, “Kristin said that next time I saw you we should make out and I always listen to what Kristin says so…” Then make a pucker face and close your eyes.

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“How do I stop giggling and running away from pretty girls? It’s embarrassing and I’m an adult.”

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Kristin Says:

I am about to change your whole world in a few sentences. Are you ready?

You see a pretty girl, you giggle, you run away.
Such is life.

Now… just turn around and WALK BACK UP TO THE PRETTY GIRL and say, “I am so sorry I have this thing where I giggle and run away from pretty girls.”

You see?
You see what I did there?

Even if you run away and giggle again, you’ve flirted! You’ve done it. It’s all going to be okay. You might even say a few more sentences the next time you return from a giggle-flee! If she’s meant to be, she will think it’s the damned cutest thing she’s ever seen (I’ve never met you and it sounds pretty damn adorable to me).

You probably just took your lemons and made a lemondate. Tada.

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