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“Is it okay to reach out to an ex out of the blue to apologize for less-than-cool things I did while we were dating? Are you supposed to just let the past be the past and not bring it up or does owning up to your mistakes help the friendship?”

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Kristin Says:

The short answer here is: yes, you can and should absolutely reach out to apologize to any person who you feel you may have hurt in the past. The short answer isn’t always the answer, though, so LET’S DIG IN A LITTLE BIT MORE, ANON. **shovel emoji**

The longer answer gets a bit more complicated, and it has everything to do with the dynamic of your past relationship and your current relationship. Even if you and your ex aren’t speaking to each other right now, you still have a relationship with this person, and taking care of that relationship does notalways mean following the short-answer rules.

If you and your ex broke up a few weeks or even a few months ago, and you know that they were incredibly heart-broken and also very hurt by some less-than-cool things that you did, there is a (good) chance that they may just be beginning to heal those wounds. They may just be beginning to move on and take the first few incredibly important steps toward their without-you future! That is so important and so it should always be treated with the utmost care and compassion.

That doesn’t mean you can’t (or shouldn’t) ever get back in touch to bring up those old things, but it might mean that NOW isn’t the best time. Think about what you want to say, and why you want to say it. Will you be able to say the things you need to say and then still allow your ex to move forward, even if they aren’t able to forgive you right now? Are you wanting to apologize because you know that this apology will help out your ex, or does it have more to do with you wanting to heal your own heart? Do you think that there is any chance that this apology might confuse your ex, and make them think that you are trying to rekindle anything?

Take those questions and thoughts and turn them over and over again in your hands. Think about your ex, think about what you’ve both been through, try to tune into what they might be doing on their own right now to help heal their heart, and see if that helps you inform your decision.

If you do decide, after all of that thinking, that an apology might really, truly help, then my advice is to write your apology in a letter or any email. Don’t ask questions (don’t ask for anything as a matter of fact) and be incredibly clear about your intentions. Your intentions are to apologize. Your intentions are to only help and not to confuse anything. Tell them they don’t have to respond. Be clear, be compassionate, and ensure that every word in that note is written with your ex’s wellbeing in mind. A letter gives your ex the space that they may need right now, it doesn’t put pressure on an immediate response, and it keeps physical space (which is often very important to moving past a breakup) between the two of you.

The most important thing to becoming friends with someone who you’ve dated is caring for the relationship through all of its many stages, and closely listening to what it (and your ex) needs. <3

03.10.2016
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“My girlfriend and I moved across the country two years ago. Now we’re breaking up, and I’m starting to realize that–because we were together when we moved across the country–I never really made my own friends here. How does a twenty-something baby adult make friends, AND get over their first heartbreak at the same time?”

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Do stuff.

That’s it, that’s the answer to all people who are trying to meet people. No matter your age, interest, amount of heartbreak, DO STUFF.

I don’t care what it is, really. Take an improv class, do computer work at a cafe instead of from home, check out the local LGBTQ community center events, volunteer for something you give a shit about, do free yoga and talk to the teachers after.

Oh, and after you do stuff. REACH OUT.

So many times we meet people and switch phone numbers and we’re like “they’re so dope, i’ll wait to see if they text me because if they don’t text me then they obviously don’t want to be hanging out with me” … guess who else is doing that? THE PERSON YOU JUST SWITCHED NUMBERS WITH, THEY ARE LITERALLY SITTING AT HOME SAYING THE SAME THING. SO NO ONE IS TEXTING NO ONE AND IT’S ALL FOR NO REASON.

Put it TF out there.

Seriously. When I first moved to LA I was lonely AF and my friend (who I barely knew at the time) was like “WANNA COME TO MY BDAY AND MEET SOME PEOPLE” and I said okay…mind you, I was dreading every second. I showed up, met some people, and one girl gave me her e-mail address. SHE GAVE ME HER EMAIL ADDRESS. So I was like “cool she doesn’t care about being friends,” but I reached out anyway because worst-case scenario she doesn’t email me back and who cares we weren’t friends in the first place. Welp, she did email me back, we planned a brunch, spent four hours talking about LITERALLY EVERYTHING and now she’s a good friend of mine.

Fucking put yourself out there, everyone! IT WORKS.

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05.18.2015
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“How do you talk to your person after a break up? (it was a 1+ year relationship and we lived together over the summer). I’ve known it was over since I moved back to school but she feels it came out of the blue. She feels like I’m cold and heartless because we don’t Skype and I don’t tell her “I love you” or goodnight or we don’t talk 24/7. I feel terrible so when she says awful things to me I just try to care to make her not upset but I don’t feel like we should be connected 24/7. What to do?”

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Kristin Says:

You have to put your foot down. And keep it there.

She is making you feel terrible because she feels terrible and because she wants it to be the way that it was before. It cannot be and will not be, because it is over.

As much as it hurts, and as much as we often don’t want to face the reality of a break-up, a break-up means that that you are broken up, and that the relationship full of Skypes and “I love yous” is over. Does it have the potential to become something else down the line? Absolutely! Perhaps you will have a beautiful friendship and you will laugh together and build forts and eat cheese sticks… but that isn’t where you are now. The way you “talk to your person after a break-up” is to firmly explain that you need to stop talking. At least for now.

Imagine you had a two year old. Your two year old is going to be like, “Yo, check it out mom, I can totally go down these stairs by myself, no hands!” You love your two year old, though, and you know that as much as they want to do this thing… they can’t do this thing and they need your help. And, when you don’t let them throw themselves down that flight of stairs they will be SO MAD AT YOU. They will kick and scream and cry and glare at you because OMG WHY DID YOU NOT LET ME DO THAT THING?! They will never understand that they would have fallen and hurt themselves, but you know that, and you know how much you love them.

Right now, your ex is that two year old. The biggest act of love is to firmly say, “we need to heal and the only way to do that is to stop talking. I care about you and I hope you understand that, but because I care about you and myself I need to take a step away.” That’s it. She will kick and scream and cry and glare at you because OMG WHY ARE YOU NOT TALKING TO ME AND WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME?! And, hopefully, after several weeks or months she will begin to understand that you do love her, and that is why you stepped away.

Also, this might help.

<3

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04.20.2015
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