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“I have been saving for a trip to Hawaii but my dog got sick and had to get emergency surgery. I can’t afford both so i rang my girl and said we would have to wait a little longer because i needed to pay for Barkus. She said i better not spend all that money ‘on the damn dog’ or she was gone. Obviously Mr Snugglebutt got his surgery! Where do i go from here? She’s perfect, y'know other than her dislike of Sir SnazzyPants. Should i really break up with her just because she doesn’t like Barfolomew?”

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

That dog is your child, and if someone was like “I hate your child, let it suffer bc I want to go on a trip” I would LOSE MY SHIT.

Also. Don’t date someone who is capable of hatred. Being constantly in the presence of someone who can dislike something so intensely is a very hard thing to live with, AND she shouldn’t be bartering her love for you like that, it’s so uncool.

Also Also. Don’t date someone who is incapable of having respect for the things that you love.

Kristin Says:

Okay, okay, OKAY…

The thing about her pressuring you to LET YOUR DOG DIE (I AM SORRY BUT SERIOUSLY?!) is that it isn’t just about Mr Snugglebutt… it’s about an inability to put another’s needs before her own. She hasn’t been able to understand the needs of Barkus AND she hasn’t been able to understand YOUR needs.

I would tell her that you are hurt by her suggestion that you let something you love suffer, and that you expect way more from a partner. I know it’s harsh, but what she said to you is WAY more harsh and totally fucked up.

You know that line from The Godfather that’s like, “Leave the gun, take the cannoli”? I would like to apply that here: “Leave the girl, take the dog (and the cannoli).”

You’ll find someone who loves you enough to love the things that matter to you, and who is grown up enough to be able to make a sacrifice for the greater good.

I AM SO MAD AT THIS GIRL.
THANK GOODNESS BARFOLOMEW IS OKAY.

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"I love my dog Lucy more than anything in the entire world. I just started dating a girl named Lucy and now everything is weird and wires get crossed and WHAT DO I EVEN DO WITH THIS?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Start calling your gf ‘puppy.’

Kristin Says:

…AND THEN START CALLING YOUR PUPPY ‘LOVER!’

Boom.
From two to zero Lucys in three seconds.
You’re welcome.

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"I keep having dreams where I’m dating a beautiful girl and then half way through she turns into an animal. Obviously I stop making out with her once she’s a cat, or a dog, or in one instance a shark, but she always tries wicked hard to keep macking on me and I’m always like, ‘Oh no, erm, see, I got you this kitty/dog/shark bed to sleep in instead?’ and I’m left riddled with guilt. ANALYZE THAT!"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

It means you’re afraid to get too close. Once you do, you’ll afraid it’ll turn into something you don’t understand. You meet someone you really like, you have a nice time for a while, but when things start to morph into something more, you’d rather just put it to bed AKA stop it where it is bc you’re AFRAID OF TRUE LOVE.

OPEN YOUR HEART.

Kristin Says:

It means that your cat/dog/shark is meowing while you are sleeping and ruining what could have been a great sex dream.

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“I'm gay, have a phobia of the dark and own a great dane called Hagrid. I have a new roommate moving in tomorrow who i've met three times - how do i inform her that i 1) am gay and will be having girls over, 2) am afraid of the dark and will occasionally be found screaming in a closet while 4 guys laugh outside and 3) own a dog who is scared of his own farts and plastic bags, despite being the size of a horse.”

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

I realize we answered a quesh semi-recently about telling new roommates you’re a homo, but like, HOW CAN WE AVOID A QUESTION ABOUT SCAREDY DOG FARTS?!!?

Whenever I meet new people it’s super awkward b/c I look really gay, but sometimes people don’t get it. SO I HAVE CREATED A NEW FORM OF COMMUNICATION. It’s called “list things about yourself, so everyone knows what the fuck is up.” Usually my list goes something like this

“Just so you know, I date girls, and I don’t eat meat, I also don’t drink or smoke, I don’t really like ice cream or soup, I love mainstream pop music, I have a crush on Demi Lovato and My favorite TV shows are iCarly, Grey’s Anatomy and 90210… yes, the new one”

By the time I finish that list people know I’m a complete mess. I usually throw in the part about me being obsessed with my cat later, b/c there’s a ‘janet’ photo album on my phone that goes along with it.

If I were you, I’d start the conversation with something like “So, since you’ve already signed the lease and you prolly can’t leave anytime soon, I’d like to let you know what you’re ACTUALLY getting into…” You roomie will giggle and you guys can watch the L Word and she’ll  be like “I’m definitely not gay, but if I was, I would totally date Shane” and you’ll be like “That’s what all the straight girls say…also gay boiz say that… and gay girls…and straight boys… basically everyone wants to bone shane” and then you’ll laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and then cry a little and then pee a tiny bit and then laugh again and then your dog will fart and you’ll all scream and then laugh again and there will be a freeze frame and your theme song will start playing….

Kristin Says:

I can’t fucking deal with your giant dog named Hagrid.  In other news, who are the random four guys who laugh outside of your closet when you are afraid of the dark?  All of the other things on your list seem totally acceptable, but, if you have four dudes living under your bed or something, then you should probably not have another roommate.

Ignoring that and moving on, I love Dannielle’s list idea, because it made me giggle at my desk just like she said I would, and I thought SHE IS SO RIGHT I JUST GIGGLED.  So, it works.  Use it.

If you want another suggestion, try just living your life as it happens and being totally casual about this hilarious list of you-isms.  When you plug in your nightlight on her first night there, just be like, “Oh, ha. So, I am afraid of the dark, and I realize that I should probably still be reading RL Stine’s Goosebumps series since I am that much of a baby, but like, they scare me even more.  So, I just want you to know that you can laugh at me and there will be no harm done.”  Then, a few nights later when you turn on the TV and Covert Affairs comes on, just be like, “HOPE THIS IS COOL BUT I LIKE GIRLS AND I HAD TO TELL YOU THAT BECAUSE PIPER PERABO IS MY JAM AND I CAN’T DENY OUR LOVE.”

She will understand, laugh her tits off, and totally be fine.  You seem hilarious and your question had both Dannielle and I in stitches, so…just don’t panic, and please send us a fucking picture of Hagrid immediately.

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“Im a gay girl and work as a police dog handler, specializing in riot control. My girlfriend and i have happily dated for three years and last week i asked her to move in with my police dog Billy and me. She refused, saying she's never felt safe living with Billy - he's a big softy! She's given me an ultimatum - chose her and loose Billy who's my career or keep him and loose her. Am i wrong for wanting to choose my dog over my girlfriend?”

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

I mean, straight up, NO YOU ARE NOT WRONG.

I can tell you right now if I was dating someone who was like ‘you have to get rid of janet’ I’d be like ‘orly?! and I would immediately change my facebook relationship status to ‘it’s complicated’ b/c like THAT IS MY CAT…

I think I just got too emotional. The fact of the matter is, you love Billy, Billy has been with you forevs and the person you want to spend the rest of you life with will be the kind of person that begs you no to get a dog sitter while you’re out of town b/c she wants to be the one to take care of him. People and their pets are a strange thing. They’re like our children. If Billy was your 6 year old son and your boo was like ‘I don’t really like him’ you would, without hesitation, be like ‘WELL I DON’T LIKE YOU! YOU’RE MEAN AND YOU SMELL LIKE OLD SHOES!’ …. or something.. That’s what I would say at least.

Go with your gut, your inside feelings, your heart. You know what you wanna do deep down…so, do it.

Kristin Says:

FUCK THAT SHIT.  I WILL MOVE IN WITH YOU AND BILLY.

I don’t typically begin my answers with caps when Dannielle has already maxed out the caps quota, but this is about your pet and I cannot believe that your girl does not understand the relationship that you have with your dog.  It is a completely unreasonable thing to ask you to get rid of Billy.  I don’t like your girlfriend.  THERE. I SAID IT.

If there is any possibility that your boo doesn’t understand how close you are to your pet, that is your first order of business.  Explain to her that you cannot be asked to choose between two things that you care about very deeply.  If she doesn’t get it, then just tell her that Billy never asked you to choose, so she can hit the pavement.

PS: Dannielle is sitting behind me and was like, ‘Tell her I will move in with her,’ and I was like, “I ALREADY SAID I WOULD,’ and she was like, ‘FINE I HATE YOU,’ and then we ate sweet potato fries.  In case you were curious.

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