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"(Tegan & Sara voice) Everything is awful / Everything’s the worst when you kiss your roommate / Everything is awful / When you wish you could date… So I live with two of my very closest friends. I kissed one of them last night and it nearly progressed a lot further. We can’t tell our other roommate because she’ll feel betrayed and might even move out. How do we live with ourselves? How do we prevent this from happening again even though we both kind of want it to?"

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

(Tegan & Sara voice) Everything is awesome / Everything is awesome / Everything is cool….

YOU FOUND SOMEONE THAT YOU WANT TO KISS AND THAT SOMEONE WANTS TO KISS YOU BACK. That is fucking dope. Are you kidding me?? People all over the world are falling over with envy bc we are all search for lips that match our own and you FOUND SOME.

I don’t understand why your roommate would feel betrayed?? People fall in like all the time???? You can’t help how you feel!?!? What does Roomie3 expect from the two of you?! Ultimate devotion?!

If the two of you are honest with Roomie3, she should make a little room for some understanding. It’s difficult living with a couple, for sure, but you JUST started making out, you aren’t a deep-committed-forever-relationships YET, you know?

Sit her down, tell her that stuff happened and turns out you like each other. If she’s weirded out, ask her if there’s anything you can do to make her feel more comfortable. You should totally respect her space and not hump each other on her vanity, or whatever, but you are def allowed to fall in like with your roomie.

Kristin Says:

(Tegan and Sara voice) All I want to get is / A little bit closer / All I wanna know is / Can you come a little closer?

THAT IS LEGIT GOING TO BE YOU AND YOUR ROOMMATE EVERY DAMN DAY IF YOU “CALL IT OFF.” SHE IS ALWAYS GOING TO BE “BACK IN YOUR HEAD” AND YOU ARE GOING TO BE LIKE UGH “I CAN’T TAKE IT” AND THEN SHE WILL START MAKING OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE AND YOU’LL BE “SO JEALOUS” AND SHE WILL COME TO HER SENSES AND BE LIKE “I WAS A FOOL” AND YOU WILL JUST MAKE OUT ANYWAY WHILE “LOVE THEY SAY” PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.

Phewf.

You guys. You cannot stop feelings. The more you try to stop feelings, the more intense the feelings get, and the more dramatic everything becomes. You kissed your roommate. That means she is no longer just your roommate. You are going to keep making out. What happens from there I cannot tell you and shit might get sticky (lol) and maybe feelings will get weird… but you have to go through it.

Tell your third roommate. Feel free to show her this post, or just be like, “I MEAN HAVE YOU EVER HAD A FEELING” and she should get it and understand and chill. So long as you both act like responsible adults, this shouldn’t affect her very much at all. Respect lease agreements. Don’t make out during group TV time. Don’t leave your vibrator in the shower. Spend some time with her NOT as a couple. Do your chores. Tada.

Also you didn’t ask for this advice but DO NOT SLEEP IN EACH OTHER’S BEDS EVERY DAMN NIGHT. You must have respect for space in a situation like this and you MUST BE STRICT ABOUT IT.

Capesh?
Good talk.

This post brought to you by Tegan & Sara™

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"Hi guys. I have feelings for my friend... but her best friend is a bully. I want to tell her how I feel but I am afraid that if I tell her she will tell her best friend and then, well, I will get bullied. My town and my school are pretty conservative, too. What should I do?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

This is a bummer for a few reasons.

(1) You feel like you can’t talk to your friend about something personal, regardless of the thing. If you had an intense feeling about something that you wanted to be kept private, you wouldn’t feel safe telling your friend, and that blows.

(2) Your friend’s BFF was brought up in a household or community environment that taught them the way to feel best about who they are was to make others feel like horse shit. It’s super sad and it’s unfair to folks like you.

(3) You have intense feelings for someone who might not return them.

The (1) sucks so so so much. If you have a good enough relationship with your friend to be like ‘listen, I get some flak from your BFF sometimes and I would love to tell you a thing that maybe won’t make it’s way back to them?? So, I don’t have to think about how to protect myself?” Some people aren’t close enough to someone to say that though, and perhaps you’re afraid it’ll backfire and you’ll lose your friend. I totally get that. The (2) sucks because there isn’t much you can do about it. You can absolutely ask the BFF to leave you alone, or talk to an advisor about how to handle the sitch, or ignore it, but if we’re all being honest, there is a huge possibility doing those things will make the whole thing worse! So, you have to follow your gut. I don’t know your environment nearly as well as you do, so keep yourself safe and make decisions based on what feels right.

Now, the (3), I think you wouldn’t be nervous for one single second if you knew your friend was into you, too. A lot of this fear is based on what MIGHT happen. You could tell your friend about your feels and she could think you’re soooo weeeeiiirdd and then tell everyone about hooowww weeeiiirrdd you are and then everyone is making fun of you and her BFF is calling you ‘super gaywad fart breath’ and your friend doesn’t want to hang out with you and everyone at school starts ignoring you, etc… HOWEVER, if this gal is your friend, I don’t think that will happen. If she is really your friend, and you tell her your feels (coupled with the fact that you are not yet comfortable with everyone knowing), she should have the decency to respect you and your wishes. Regardless of whether or not she wants to make mouths with you. She will want to keep your feels to herself because she loves you as a friend. You know? Maybe evaluate your friendship in your mind. DO you think she’ll blab, or can you trust her? Start there, and best of luck!

Kristin Says:

Personally, I would take this in stages.

I think your concerns are valid, and we certainly don’t want to get you in a situation where you feel threatened in any way — emotionally, physically, or otherwise. So, we have to go to the root of this problem, and the root is your friend, not the bully.

I imagine that you are not friends with this bully, or, if you are, you keep a distance. Personally I have a lot of trouble with the term ‘bully,’ because I think it is much easier to put people in categories of ‘bad’ and ‘good,’ when in reality we are all struggling in different ways with what the world has taught us as tiny people — but that is another essay for another day. For now, I am going to put this person who bullies others on the shelf, and hone in on your friend.

You have to talk to her, and that doesn’t mean (at all) that you have to tell her about your feelings. Your first step is to talk to her about your feelings on this bullying. You’ve noticed it, so she must notice it too! Tell her that it has been making you uncomfortable, and that you want to know how it makes her feel. Tell her that you believe that everyone deserves to be treated equally, and that spouting off negative shit about gay or trans or bisexual people isn’t something you agree with. Any person, queer or not, can stand firmly in the opinion that making other people feel like shit is not cool.

Then, gauge her reaction. Is she immediately receptive? Does she say, “OH MY GOD I HAVE BEEN WANTING TO SAY SOMETHING THANK GOD, YES IT MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE TOO!”?? Is she hesitant, agreeing with you but unsure of how she feels?? Or, does she automatically make you feel weird for sharing your feelings, by saying something like, “Wow, what are you GAY or something??”

The first response is a great sign that you can trust her, in tiny steps, with your own feelings. Start with equality, work your way toward coming out to her, and then, if you still feel safe and trust her, you can tell her how you feel towards her. It’s a risk, of course, because perhaps she won’t return the feelings — but at least we’ve got you covered in this video! The second response will mean that you take even tinier steps on the same path, and just check in as you go. This is, truly, about your gut on whether she is trustworthy. The third response means that you should evaluate your friendship with this person. While we don’t have the opportunity to choose our families, we can choose our friends. It is so, so important to surround ourselves with friends who believe in us, who allow us to be ourselves, and who we can trust. If this girl can’t be trusted and won’t allow you the space to be you, it is time to walk away.

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"I am not poly, have always considered myself really monogamous, but I recently find myself SUPER AMAZINGLY TOTALLY attracted to this smart, sexy, thoughtful person who is poly. I’m ultimately looking for someone who wants a long-term, monogamous relationship, but I’m really open to some dating and experimenting and making connections in the short term. If things go the sexy direction, what should I do?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous and answered by Bethany Rutter as a part of Everyone Is Gay: Second Opinions

Bethany Says:

Dear potential poly,

So much of life is engineered to be a miserable, bleak, hard trek, and once in a while we get the chance to sprinkle it with a little bit of joy. Yes, you say that what you’re ‘ultimately’ looking for a long-term, monogamous relationship, but you don’t say that you’re temperamentally unsuited to nonmonogamy. My point is: who cares what you think you want in the end. When you’re given the chance to bring a bit of fun to your life right now, where’s the beef? Most people you encounter possess maybe one or two of ‘smart, sexy, thoughtful’, let alone all three, and you say yourself that you are ‘SUPER AMAZINGLY TOTALLY attracted’ to them!

My point about being temperamentally unsuited is, I think, important: if you had expressed anxiety about nonmonogamy, and if I thought pursuing this person would go against the fundamental basis for your happiness, I wouldn’t be so enthusiastic with my advice.

You know yourself better than anyone else, and you’re probably right about the fact that, long-term, you want to pursue monogamous relationships. With that in mind, though, even you’re saying that you’re ‘really open to dating and experimenting and making connections’ right now! It sounds as if you’re super into this person – for good reason – and you know that exploring this relationship is going to be worth your while. The fact that ‘thoughtful’ was one of the three characteristics you listed is good grounds for this being a person with whom you can have fun and fulfilling encounters of all types.

You don’t need me to tell you to just be mindful and cautious of your own feelings and this person’s. It can be hard to balance the opposing forces of ‘everyone has to start somewhere with nonmonogamy’ and ‘I don’t want to feel like someone’s toy who they can pick up and put down’. Be honest and respectful about the fact you’re not sure if it’s the relationship structure for you long-term, but that you don’t see the point in denying the attraction you feel.

I say this a lot, in a lot of contexts, but I think moving to a less rigid and permanent way of looking at things like relationship types and sexualities could really help people (including you!). If we took a more fluid approach to the movements and changes in state of platonic/romantic/sexual relationships, and more usefully interrogated what we want right now, rather than what we were in the past or what we think we want to be in the future, the time we spend on this mortal coil could pass more pleasantly.

I think what you need is a little push out of the nest. You’ve done most of the work yourself (read your message back again!) and you know what you want. I’m here to tell you that it’s ok to indulge that in a way that’s fun for both of you. Open up conversation with this person about what your reservations are, listen to any of theirs, and see if by the end of it you think you can offer each other something great. It sounds like you can.

Bethany

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"Okay, so… I kinda like a girl. And I feel like she might like me too. But she was recently in a relationship with another girl (for like 3-4 months), and I have no idea how long I’m supposed to wait before I’m like ‘hey! So I think you’re awesome and I’m kinda in love. Let’s make out?’. Help?!"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

HEY OKAY LISTEN. I think this is different for every person. Some people will date someone for 5 years and immediately jump into a relationship with someone else the next day. Some people will date humans for like 2 months and then decide it’s better for them to be single for a year. Some people will DO YOU GET IT, DO I HAVE TO KEEP GIVING EXAMPLES? BECAUSE I WILL. We are all diff. I am different from you are different from she is different from oprah, etc.

What do I suggest? Go with your gut, and be respectful. It’s not too hard to be like “I’d love to take you out, but I fully understand you just got out of a relationship and you might not be ready. HOWEVER, when you are ready, I would love to take you on a date.” That way, you leave the ball in her court, but you’ve also put yourself out there. Your ability to be a little bit vulnerable will allow futureboo to check in with herself and figure out what she really wants.

Also, BE CUTE ABOUT IT.

Kristin Says:

*trumpet flourish* FUTUREBOOOOO! *futureboo flies across computer screen in a bedazzled cape*

(That is what happened to my brain when I read the word futureboo.)

My advice? I agree with being respectful, and I concur that being respectful takes the pressure off of worrying too much in regard to “perfect timing.” If you want at least SOMETHING to go by, then I would suggest waiting at least two weeks before respectfully requesting to be her wife. Or whatever. You get me.

Also, it HAPPENS to be a few days before NEW YEARS EVE so you COULD respectfully say to her: “Hey, I know you are just out of a relationship and if you are bummed on not having anyone to kiss at the stroke of midnight, I would like to volunteer as tribute.”

A suggestion to make out, a respectful moment couched in a holiday, and a Hunger Games reference ALL IN ONE.

You’re welcome. My work is done here.
*tips hat*

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