- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

There are a few ways to look at this situation. The first, and most important IMHO, is that your relationship can’t grow and strengthen if you aren’t being open with one another. This process will take a different path and a different amount of time with everyone, but it has to happen or your relaysh will stay stagnant and you will feel dumb.

Number 2, you can’t force her to be open and if she isn’t ready she isn’t ready. HOWEVER, you have to be honest with your feelings or you’re kind of doing the same thing. You have to at least try to start that conversation.

THIRDLY, talking to her might be weird at first, but there a different ways to do it. Next time you guys are in a happy place (don’t talk to her about being upset when she is upset y’all) you can literally just say “Hey, you should talk to me about the things that upset you, I wanna make you feel better and listen and what not” OR you can bring up something that upset her later and ask her about it. Just say, “hey, you were real bummed out when your mom called the other day, are you feeling any better slash we should talk about it.”

I can guarantee that even if things don’t change immediately, she will slowly feel a lot better about talking to you when she’s upset. You asking (even if she can’t answer) reiterates how much you care.

BEST OF LUCK, CHAP.

Kristin Says:

I would like to re-state the importance of talking to your boo when she is NOT upset to begin this whole dialogue. Dannielle is correctamundo (Spanish for correct): you trying to tell your boo that she needs to be upset in a different way WHILE she is upset is a recipe for disaster.

HOWEVER, I would like to also state that your feelings of frustration are very valid, and that just because a human being is upset does not give them the right to act however they please, whenever they please. When you have this conversation with AMELIAEARHEART (your gf), I suggest you explain a few things:

1 – You have noticed that lately, when she gets upset, she won’t share those feelings with you;

2 – That you have complete respect for her process, and that if she cannot share those feelings with you immediately, that makes sense and you understand, but;

3 – If you are going to have a productive relationship, you have to be able to talk about those moments in some capacity, at some point.

If she needs to get upset, have her time, and then discuss later that day or the next day, that is okay… but you can’t be expected to just walk around, comfort her when she needs it, and never understand where she is coming from or what is bothering her. A partnership is built on both parties feeling comfortable in their surroundings, and you need to understand the important things happening in her life.

Try to be patient as you find a balance. If AMELIAEARHEART has gotten accustomed to having her own private feelings and never sharing them, it is going to take her (and you) some time to figure out a balance that is comfortable for you both. The important thing to focus on is trying to reach that balance. It is in the trying that you are being partners to each other… even if it takes some time (or forever) to get to the goal of perfect balance.

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

This sounds like a nightmare.

I’ve 100% been in a situation where I was dating someone and after a few months we were basically just sleeping together and eating food. I was NOT into it and I was like “HAY GIRL NO THX.” It’s hard bc you’re like “I’m really fucking into this person and I want to be with them and they’re halfway being with me bc we’re sort of around each other, but it doesn’t feel real or special and now i feel dumb and unwanted.”

That’s not cool. You’re kind of being take advantage of and it isn’t fair. You have to talk to her and be real. Don’t skirt around the issue and just say “we should do more stuff.” Be completely and totally honest about how her actions are effecting your feels.

If you can’t talk to one another and work to make your relationship stronger so that both parties feel equal and loved and important, what are you even doing?

Kristin Says:

Agree agree agree.

This is about two things: First, you not wanting to have a relationship where you both just lay on the couch all the time (also, for the record, your choice of the word “feeding” made me laugh very loudly); Second, you having a relationship where your significant other is straight-up just IGNORING your needs.

I am going to go ahead and say that the latter is a much bigger issue, and that the former is merely one example of how you are being treated unfairly. Don’t make this conversation about being lazy versus being active. Make it about her happiness, your happiness, and the fact that you BOTH need to be cognizant and respectful of the others needs!

You are unhappy because you want to be able to do activities together. Period, end of story, finito. An agreeable compromise would be that once a week you do something out of the house (like get dinner or go to a movie or take a walk in a new neighborhood or look for books in the library), and once a month you do something totally awesome outside of the house (like go to a museum or go on a day-trip somewhere).

That gives her about 24 other days of the month to do what SHE wants, which is to lay low and stay in. I would consider that a fair compromise.

If she says NO I CANNOT GO A DAY WITHOUT MY NETFLIX, then tell her she should go and find someone else with those interests, because you cannot have a relationship with someone who will never leave the house with you. Simple as that.

You are aware of what you need, and every single one of us deserves to have our needs respected when we are in a relationship of any kind. The. End.