- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

In 6th grade I told everyone that I had three boyfriends. IDK why I did it (I’m sure it made perfect sense at the time), but like you’re doing way better than me, so it’s whatever.

I think you can do what makes you most comfortable and the fact of the matter is… people can be the worst. There are so many people that will be like, “are you sure you’re a gay if you haven’t had gay intercourse” and then you’re like “YEA I AM BECAUSE IT IS MY IDENTITY” and it doesn’t matter because they are still the worst and don’t care unless you can prove it to them… as if…. AS IF IT IS THEIR RIGHT OR YOU HAVE TO…WHEW NO. I just got so much more fired up than I expected.

Do what you need to do to make yourself comfortable. The dumb questions people ask when you come out can be super damaging and really fuck with your self-esteem, self image, and overall self worth. Someone questioning your identity is ALREADY saying that your identity isn’t “right” or “normal,”  and the mere suggestion of HOW DO YOU KNOW / WHY ARE YOU THAT WAY / ARE YOU SURE just makes you feel shitty and like you shouldn’t identify that way.

The point is, I get it, I feel like it was way easier for me to say “hi i’m dating a girl,” than it would have been to say, “i identify this way.” I don’t know how to explain why, but I wasn’t good at talking about how I identify when I first came out. I didn’t know how to answer questions, or express my feelings with the right words. I DON’T KNOW WHY. Do what you need to do to make the coming out process easier for you. I’m throwin out support and respect vibes.

Kristin Says:

Questions like these are always a little tough for me, because on the one hand: everything Dannielle is preachin’ up there is spot on, and if you just need a piece of bullshit information to make people who are going to challenge you back tf off, or if you just needed an easy way to shout “I LIKE GIRLS,” I say hell yea! On the other hand: if this is an ongoing lie that you are maintaining for any reason, it is going to get tangled and tricky and messy.

Since I can’t talk to you and find out what kind of “imaginary girlfriend” you are referring to, let me say two things.

First, I echo Dannielle. If you are just saying, “I had a fling with a lady this summer,” I think that’s fair enough. I would like to counter, though, that you also have the very valid option, though, of now saying to your friends,

“You know what? I didn’t have a girlfriend. I made it up because a) I thought you wouldn’t take me seriously otherwise, or b) I had no idea how to come out to you bc coming out can be scary, but now I realize that I am the only one who needs to take me seriously and that you are an awesome friend and will support me… SO. I am who I am. Byeeeeee.”

Your close friends are supposed to support and stand by you no matter what. That is the definition of a friend. That means they should accept your identity without question, and that also means that they should be understanding when you tell them you were afraid they wouldn’t understand if there wasn’t an actual human in the picture.

Second, if this is an ongoing lie, where you are saying you are still dating this girl — you have to end it. Lies of any kind are generally trouble… but lies that wind into the everyday fabric of your life are a guaranteed disaster.

Did you do something wrong by creating an imaginary boo? No, you didn’t. There are a ton of humans on this planet who have very rigid ideas of how we come to understand our identity, and your fear of not being taken seriously are valid. Should you have to lie, though? Absolutely not. Even if you can’t conquer the fear of their questioning this moment, know that you can, at any point in time, claim your identity without having had a girlfriend. You know who you are, and you will always know that better than anyone else. If and when you feel ready to explain that to your friends, I promise you that the ones you want to keep around are going to hear you loud and clear.

<3

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- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle says:

I think this is all in the delivery. If you approach your friends like you have THE BIGGEST HEAVIEST MOST DRAMATIC SADDEST NEWS OF ALL TIME, they’re gonna pick up what you’re layin down. They’re going to feel like they should respond to this big/heavy/drama/sad news, and yea, they will feel very sad for you. HOWEVER, if you approach it as if it is just another tiny slice of info about you they’ll respond more to your liking. If it were me I’d say something like, “hey.. fyi, next time I date someone it’ll be a girl…a rrrrreal pretty girl.” They’ll take a second to giggle, but they won’t feel the IMMENSE weight of sadness that you’re trying to avoid.

That’s the first part, tell them in a way that allows their reaction to fall in line with what makes you feel good. NUMBER TWO, you can very easily say you don’t feel comfortable telling everyone right this second. And they should have no trouble respecting that request.

To answer the question about whether or not you should come out: I think you should, because you said you want to. That’s the important thing about coming out, you have to do it when YOU want to. Don’t worry about what’s right or when makes sense. If you WANT to come out, go for it. No one is forcing you, and no one has a RIGHT to know anything, but if you WANT to come out and it’s making you stress to NOT be out. Do it. Come out. You can and you want to and you’re expecting support. This is a great time. I AM HERE FOR YOU. xoxox

Kristin Says:

I don’t know why, but when I finished reading Dannielle’s advice I imagined you on the sidelines of a boxing ring after your first round and her squirting you with water before the next round (what do you call things in boxing? it can’t be rounds…) and then me running in from the locker room to finish up the big pep talk.

HI ANONYMOUS YOU ARE DOING GREAT! *pats your forehead with a towel*

I agree with Dannielle on the whole ‘your-delivery-informs-their-response-front,’ and I want to take this one step further. Sometimes (if not most times) your delivery is going to be the opposite of what you wanted it to be because coming out is WEIRD. It just IS. It shouldn’t be a thing, no one wants it to be a thing, but it is totally a thing. So, when you mean to be lighthearted and casually come out and you wind up mumbling it and then spilling your soda and then getting embarrassed and glossing it over and then knocking on their dorm room door later that night and bursting into tears and saying I SWEAR IM FINE THIS IS JUST HARD, it is still going to be okay. I promise.

Let me highlight the important parts of what you conveyed to us:

A) You want to come out. That is awesome, and generally, that means that your gut knows it is going to be a-ok, and your brain is now like BUT WHAT IF IT ISN’T. Your gut is always smarter than your brain.

B) Your friends are actively supportive of the LGBTQIA+ community. This means that they likely have a lot of knowledge about the variety of ways being LGBTQIA+ can look and feel, and they aren’t going to place a blanket of sorrow over you automatically. It means that they will be able to support you if you are feeling a little overwhelmed (which, by the way, is totally okay to feel), or be totally fucking chill with you if that is how you feel.

The most important thing about coming out is remembering that it is a process. Sometimes things will feel awesome right away, sometimes things will have a few hiccups before evening out, sometimes things will surprise you, and you will be learning each and every step of the way.

I think your friends are going to be amazing, and you are going to feel a lot lighter once you get past that first hurdle of “What Ifs.” It’s a hurdle we all have to jump. <3<3<3