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"What do you think about 'coming out' in personal statements and things of that nature? I'm applying to Grad school to be a counselor and my ultimate goal is to work with LGBT youth, so it is relevant but I don't know if it's a good idea to mention it and risk discrimination from whoever may be reading it."

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

I can nearly guarantee you will not have an enjoyable experience at a school where your entrance essay is judged harshly based on how you identify or who you like to make out with… you know what I mean?

I think you should do it. I think things happen the way they’re meant to, or at least, things will happen the way they happen and we have every ability to make the best of those things. If you submit the best essay you’ve ever written and the person reading decides they hate it because it’s a little queer, then the right person is not reading your essay.

Have a back up, have two back ups, hell have three back ups! You won’t want to compromise yourself and your writing for a school. Compromising now means compromising for the next 4 years.

Write the best fucking thing you’ve ever written, if it happens to be queer, awesome. If it isn’t even a tiny bit queer, cool. Just write what you want to write and feel good about it, the rest will work itself out.

Kristin Says:

Do you want to know something that I think is pretty fucking cool? This March, Dannielle and I are going to be speaking at a conference for high school guidance counselors. The whole purpose of our discussion with these guidance counselors is to give them more information for working with their queer and trans students in situations exactly like the one you are having. The sentiments that Dannielle is sharing above are going to be a key part of the conversation.

I think coming out in a personal statement, if that is what is ringing in your ears and mind and heart when you sit down to write, is absolutely what you should do. Fuck the admissions office that would ever look at an honest reflection on an important facet of your identity and deny your admission because of that facet. Yes, the admissions office is not a reflection of the entire campus… but it is still a part of that campus, and if they don’t want you, they DO NOT DESERVE YOU.

I could flip at least three tables in my house over the anger I feel at even thinking of that possibility, and so should you.

You should always be encouraged to be who you are and to speak clearly and confidently about your journey, and to expect to be met with respect. Will it always happen? No, sadly it will not. However, the more people who stand together and say, “This is who I am. This is my journey. I deserve a space here on your campus/in your office/in this world,” the more powerful that chorus becomes, and the more the world has to listen.

I KNOW I GOT REALLY FIERY AND I KNOW THIS WAS ABOUT COLLEGE ESSAYS BUT YOU GUYS EVERYTHING IS A MICROCOSM OF EVERYTHING ELSE AND IT IS ALL CONNECTED AND YOU WRITE THAT GODDAMN ESSAY THE WAY YOU WANT GODDAMMIT.

YOU ARE A PERSON AND YOU ARE THE BEST.

*flips fourth table*

***
Sidebar: You should check out CampusPride for help in searching through LGBTQ friendly campuses. Also, if you have written your college essay on your queer or trans identity/coming-out experience, etc, email us at info (at) everyoneisgay (dot) com… we’d love to have your input on that March panel I mentioned!!

***

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01.19.2015
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"I’m considering coming out to my hockey team, but I’m afraid I’m going to make the other girls uncomfortable. My team seems accepting enough, but I don’t know how they will feel about changing in front of me. I want to ask my coach, who played for this team last year and is openly gay, about her experience, but I don’t really know her very well. How should I approach this? Should I ask my coach or should I figure it out on my own?"

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

I think you should totally talk to your coach. I started with a short answer in case you don’t feel like reading today, which I totally get. HERE ARE MORE THOUGHTS FROM ME:

As an OPENLY GAY MY OWNSELF, I have been in a few situations where someone I went to college with, or worked with or, what-have-you, has reached out to me to talk about gay feels. Every time this has happened, I’ve felt (a) honored that they trust and respect me enough to ask for my opinion and (b) hopeful that I say all the right things.

I think most people in your coach’s position feel the exact same way. Sure, you don’t know her that well, BUT you know her well enough to know that she may have some stellar advice. She’s been in your exact situation and AUTOMATICALLY has insight, she is so prepared for this conversation. Plus, something my dad has been trying to teach me for years: people love to help. People WANT to help you, they just don’t know how until you ask. So, ANONYMOUSE, you should ask. It always helps when someone has your back, you know?

Kristin Says:

Absolutely talk to your coach.

Also, I think Dannielle and I can both understand why you are feeling torn between the place of being open and honest about yourself, and also scared that you will make others uncomfortable. I think that most of us go through that in some form when we come out to our friends… and it definitely feels extra complicated when those friends are people who you are so intimately involved with on a day-to-day basis. I was absolutely terrified to come out to my college roommates, because I knew that after I came out to them, they’d still have to be in the room with me when they changed clothes, slept, ordered pizza, etc… and I felt awful about compromising that environment.

The same thing is facing you — it can be so, so scary to think that your honesty and openness could ever be a catalyst for the discomfort of others. The truth of the matter is, however, that your desire to come out means that you are feeling uncomfortable hiding who you are. So, the solution is the one you already have your eyes set on: talk to your coach, have a game plan, and tell your team in the way that makes you most comfortable.

I would suggest also looking at some other resources, like GLSEN’s Changing the Game, in case you or your coach decide that there is a need to make those resources available to your teammates. There’s a good chance that your coach having your back will give you the extra confidence you need, and that your team will be proud of you for being strong enough to be yourself. If that isn’t exactly the way things play out, though, use those resources and your coach’s support to help bridge the divide between the coming-out moment and a place of support and understanding.

Questions like this make me feel so thankful for people like Michael Sam and Megan Rapinoe and Jason Collins and all the other openly gay athletes out there… this world is changing, you guys. I know sometimes it’s hard to focus on that, but goddamn… it really is.

Also… if you’re still reading this, I have an idea. Are you out as LGBTQ on your sports team? If you are, will you send us a picture of you and your team to info (at) everyoneisgay (dot) com? I think it would be pretty awesome and helpful for people who are in a similar position to ANONYMOUSE, here, to see sports teams across the country/world who support and love their LGBTQ teammates.

<3<3<3

06.9.2014
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“I’m a teacher and a closeted (at work only) queer. Do you have any ideas about what can I do to support my students on the rainbow spectrum without overstepping my bounds, outing myself, or just generally being creepy?”

- Question submitted by Anonymous and answered by Sara Schmidt-Kost as a part of Everyone Is Gay: Second Opinions

Sara Says:

This is a topic I struggled with while doing my undergrad, and I have only just begun to figure out how to navigate through it. I realized while in college that I couldn’t be the most authentic teacher I wanted to be without being out to my students. I’m so lucky now to be out at school and to work in a school district that is incredibly supportive of LGBT staff and students. More and more schools and school districts are becoming supportive, though in K-12 Education it is still hard to address LGBT topics.

First thing you should consider is how supportive your school environment is of LGBT students and staff. Does your school have an inclusive bullying policy in place? Is there a Gay-Straight Alliance? Are there other out LGBT staff? Is the rest of the staff generally supportive of LGBT people? There are ways you can be sneakily supportive of LGBT students, but it helps to have the administration and other staff behind you.

I recommend you start with simple things like making sure you are providing a safe, welcoming, and inclusive classroom environment for all students. That includes making sure you are intervening when students use homophobic words and phrases like “that’s so gay” or “no homo”, as well as any other offensive racist, sexist, classist, or ableist slurs.

Also, you could put a rainbow sticker on your door. You could put up supportive posters in your classroom. You could start an anti-bullying club. Depending on what subject you teach, you can incorporate LGBT people and themes into your lessons. You can be an example of what it means to be an ally to the LGBT community, even though you’re *whispers* actually queer. And then, once you’re comfortable being a more supportive teacher, you can assess whether or not you want to stay closeted at work.

As far as specifically supporting your LGBT students, I think it really depends on the age group you work with and what your students need from you. It’s important to remember that your work with your students is about them, not about you. Once they know you are supportive of LGBT people, they might feel more comfortable coming to you. Start small, and know that your students will begin to recognize that you are supportive of them. Kids pick up on stuff. They know the teachers they can turn to when they need help.

Lastly, continue to educate yourself on best practices of anti-oppressive education, social justice teaching, and multicultural curriculum. The more comfortable you are with the concepts of social justice and multicultural education within K-12 schooling, the better a teacher you’ll be for your students. Also, check out the book “One teacher in 10”. It’s a wonderful collection of essays from LGBT teachers. It might help you better navigate through this process.

Best of luck to you!

***

Click through to read more about Sara and our other Second Opinions panelists!

02.18.2014
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"How do I come out at summer camp?"

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

OKAY WELL. If you want to do something fun. I would wait until you’re all sitting around a campfire and I would be like “I have a ghost story,” and when handed the flashlight I would go “oooohhhOOOOOOOhhh i’m a gayyyyoooooohhh” and then when everyone gave me a super weird look I’d be like “sorry that wasn’t a good story, but legit I am a gay.”

Either they will laugh and you will have new BFFEs or they will not laugh and you will know that your summer camp is a total bust.

SERIOUSLY THO, chances are you aren’t the only gay at summer camp and everyone else is wondering the same thing. I always try to find one or two people that I can connect with and start there. There isn’t really a reason for everyone to know all your business, but if you feel more comfortable just being totally open with all of the people THEN YOU SHOULD JUST JUMP IN HEAD FIRST LIKE YOU DO WITH WATER #summercampstuff

You seem to really want to come out, which is awesome and I think you should. Because like, YOLO!! When you look back on summer camp, you won’t regret being totally open about who you are, but you MIGHT regret if you decide not to be, you know?

Kristin Says:

HAHAHAHA “oooohhhOOOOOOOhhh i’m a gayyyyoooooohhh” is the best ghost story ever written.

This really, truly depends on who you are as a person. If you are going into camp not knowing too many people and you are worried that there may be some humans who are less-than-cool about it, then absolutely take your time. Feel out the situation and when you start forming relationships with people, then you can be honest with them as a friend, instead of just being like, “Hi nice to meet you, love those khaki shorts, I’m totally gay.” (all people at summer camp wear khaki shorts).

If you are totally feeling it and just want to be like BLAM I’M GAY MOVING RIGHT ALONG, you could do what I would probably do, and when I walked into my CAMPER ROOM (you guys where do people sleep in camp, I don’t know anything), I’d plop my suitcase on my bed and be like, “Nice to meet you all, I can’t wait to toast marshmallows with you. Also, I am totally gay but like calm your shit because I have no intentions of looking at your boobies. WHO’S READY FOR ZIPLINING AMIRITE?!”

#marshmallows #ziplines #khakishorts #campanawanna

06.24.2013
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