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“There’s this girl who works at a coffee shop that I’m super into, but she just has a high school diploma and I’m working on getting my masters. We’re both into each other, but I can’t get over the fact that she isn’t really doing anything with her life. Am I a horrible person for letting this get in the way?! UGH! How do you handle education inequality in dating?”

- Question submitted by Anonymous and answered by Shane Billings as part of Everyone Is Gay: Second Opinions

Shane Says:

Oh man, those girls in coffee shops…. putting heart shapes in your cappuccino and drizzling their number with chocolate syrup. I hope you don’t even drink coffee, and you’re just ordering it to seem caffeinated and cool for your barista boo-thang.

With situations like yours, it’s important to not let the idea of a thing (the implications of her education level) interfere with the thing itself (your mutual attraction). There’s nothing wrong with wanting specific qualities in a partner, including a certain education level. However, your concern seems rooted in a couple of assumptions – that MAYBE your coffee shop lady doesn’t have an advanced degree because MAYBE she doesn’t have ambitious goals for success, or MAYBE she doesn’t care about her future. Don’t give those “maybes” any control over your love life.

Truth is, your coffee shop lady lover is doing things with her life. Maybe it doesn’t seem like much, but she’s got an income and a love interest… and most people would kill for just one of those (please don’t kill anybody). I’m willing to bet that if you ask her what she’s doing with her life, she’d have an answer. And that’s the fun stuff! Getting to uncover all the details that make a person complex and three-dimensional, those are the things that will anchor your feelings in reality.  Maybe she is, in fact, too cool 4 school. School – especially higher education – is not for everyone, and isn’t a comprehensive metric for success or value in a person’s life. Don’t hold it against her.

So take a hot minute, while you’re sipping your hand-crafted mocha made special by your barista lover, and think about why higher education is important for you in a partner. Then take another minute (OMG so many minutes) and see what Aziz Ansari has to say about dating, specifically how people often realize that the qualities we say we’re looking for… don’t match the partner we actually become interested in.

You’re not a horrible person, at least not in this case. Maybe you don’t pay your taxes, or maybe you fart in crowded elevators. But like I said, “maybes” are just emotional contaminants, and don’t deserve the swaying power they have over our decisions. Don’t let the idea of a good relationship defeat an extraordinary opportunity that looks and feels different from what you expected.

***

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07.7.2015
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“I’m about to start a summer internship, and I haven’t been able to figure out the gender identification of my soon-to-be mentor/coworker - who I’ll call ‘Alex.’ I have not heard anyone else refer to Alex with pronouns, and so far I have managed to only ever refer to Alex directly by name. I suspect that Alex may be trans, but I’m not sure and I don’t want to make assumptions. What’s the most respectful way to ask Alex about Alex’s gender identification/how Alex would like to be referred to?”

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

I’m having a lot of thoughts about this because a lot of people think it’s offensive to ask for someone’s pronouns. Which, I’m sure if we break it down and we get even more intense about it, like, you think it’s offensive to ask for pronouns, because society has taught you that being trans is abnormal, and you don’t want to suggest someone is abnormal…

BUT THE TRUTH IS… It’s not offensive. It’s incredible, so necessary, and the only way to be inclusive. AND if you’re like “hey, what’re yr pronouns” to a person who responds with, “WHY?! WHY WOULD YOU ASK THAT?!!? ISN’T IT OBVIOUS?!?!” You can simply say, “I always default to asking over assuming, I like to know for sure, rather than try to guess.” You can even take it one step further and talk about the number of people who are mis-gendered on a daily basis. You can throw out some statistics about suicide within the LGBTQ community, you can point them to specific stories of transgender youth who have taken their lives because of shit like this. You can also take a step back and say, “hey, I’m just doing my part to be as inclusive as possible, I want to be a part of making our work environment a safe space and it’s one of the quickest and easiest ways to make everyone feel comfortable.” And, I know you’re not exactly in a power-position here, so say something like, “Hey Alex, can you let me know people’s pronouns as you point them out to me? I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.”

I encourage everyone to implement small things like this in their workplace. Asking for pronouns from all co-workers (or employees if you’re a manger or boss). Having gender neutral bathrooms is another easy thing to do. Are there two single-stall bathrooms? With their own door? Why is one “men” and one is “women”?? Why not make them both gender-neutral, or ‘unisex’ or however you wanna call it so we aren’t making demarcations for no reason?

Also, take note that a lot of this can be solved during the application process. A lot of people have driver’s licenses that don’t match their identities. The world makes it pretty fucking difficult to live your life sometimes. SO, When they’re filling out the app, simply walk by and say “oh, the job application from 1945 doesn’t say this, but if your ID doesn’t match your preferred name or the pronoun you identify with, just make a note so we all know!”

Changing the world isn’t that hard. Making your workspace more inclusive isn’t that hard. Being a dope ass mother fucker is not that hard. Be kind, be aware of your own privilege, recognize that we all deserve the same privilege and do everything you can to pass it on. I am so fucking privileged to identify with the pronoun a doctor shouted when i plopped out of my mom’s vagina. I recognize that and I spend my days trying to make sure those around me feel that way, too. AND ESPECIALLY knowing that one tiny thing I can do is ask someone their pronoun and then use it correctly… THAT’S IT?! Cool. Then yea. I can do that.

I just ranted, sorry. hi.

***
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06.15.2015
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“My gf and I are both graduating soon and heading into the same line of work. I love her, but she’s been offered more opportunities than I have at the moment, and sometimes it’s hard for me to be excited for her. Do you have any advice about how I can be supportive of her while I’m kinda bummed about my own situation?”

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Oh man, this is a great question. I feel like a lot of people struggle with this in so many ways with so many people. Maybe your friend, maybe your coworker, maybe your sister, maybe someone you used to know, it happens everywhere all the time and it’s so hard to talk yourself out of, but also it’s totally possible.

Once you get to a place where you can be just excited for her success, you’re going to fucking love life. There is no better feeling than excitement and pride for the person you’re madly in love with, y’all. It’s okay if it doesn’t happen right away AND it’s okay that you slip up from time to time. HOWEVER, one thing to remember is that there is enough success for everyone. One person’s success does not equal your failure. Rihanna is not any less successful because Katy Perry is successful. They are both successful in the same industry, in a similar way, but they don’t tear each other down, they are never “in the way” of one another, and Rihanna’s Coconut Water ad certainly doesn’t take away from Katy Perry’s Adidas ad and GTFW (guess the fuck what), they BOTH did cover girl ads… so like… they did their own things that prove they are successful and THEN did more similar things that prove they’re both successful.

THERE. IS. ENOUGH. FOR. EVERYONE. There just is, and I know your boo wants to help you.

Also, I think it’s okay if you want to talk about it. It’s okay to say “I am so fucking happy for you and this is so amazing and I got a little jealous because of course I want to be doing all these things, but at the end of the day, me being so fucking proud of you overshadows all of the jealous.” Maybe your boo can help you spice your resume or get better at interviews, or maybe you have cool ways to work together that will bring you both up. There are 20,000,000 ways to be successful in one field, you know? Help each other, fight for each other, be proud of each other, support each other. This is gonna be so dope.

Kristin Says:

I want to, first, underline Dannielle’s point about there being enough success for everyone. Jenny and I talk about this a lot, because we also (we all) wrestle these feelings, and we need to be reminded. For whatever reason, people seem hardwired to compare themselves to others… when in reality those comparisons are not at all informative about the person we are, the opportunities we have, or the possibilities that lie ahead.

The other thing that I want to stress has to do with partnership. You and your gf are partners, which means that when you succeed, so does she… and vice versa. This doesn’t only hold true for romantic partnerships, either. Dannielle and I have been side-by-side for nearly five years, working together on Everyone Is Gay. In the past year, we’ve started to work on some new projects, individually. I know that both of us have moments where we feel confused and lost and worried that perhaps we won’t be able to succeed like the other, but we anchor ourselves with the knowledge that each of our individual successes are actually successes for us both, and for our work together. It isn’t easy, and it requires reminding yourself again and again, and also talking about how you are feeling. You have to communicate!

Dannielle and I have said those words to each other: “I don’t know if I can do anything on my own, I am afraid I won’t succeed, I am unsure, I am sad, I am confused.” We talk about those things, we explore them, we revisit them, and you and your girlfriend need to do the same. You can express your feelings without making her feel like she shouldn’t succeed, and you can express those feelings while also being endlessly proud of her accomplishments.

Try, if you can, to remember that you are capable and strong. Our paths are all very different, and you and your gf will ebb and flow in relation to success in very different ways. Then, remember that you are walking a path together, which means each of your successes help to carry you both. She will learn from your triumphs and you can learn from hers.

<3

***
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04.6.2015
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"What do you think about 'coming out' in personal statements and things of that nature? I'm applying to Grad school to be a counselor and my ultimate goal is to work with LGBT youth, so it is relevant but I don't know if it's a good idea to mention it and risk discrimination from whoever may be reading it."

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

I can nearly guarantee you will not have an enjoyable experience at a school where your entrance essay is judged harshly based on how you identify or who you like to make out with… you know what I mean?

I think you should do it. I think things happen the way they’re meant to, or at least, things will happen the way they happen and we have every ability to make the best of those things. If you submit the best essay you’ve ever written and the person reading decides they hate it because it’s a little queer, then the right person is not reading your essay.

Have a back up, have two back ups, hell have three back ups! You won’t want to compromise yourself and your writing for a school. Compromising now means compromising for the next 4 years.

Write the best fucking thing you’ve ever written, if it happens to be queer, awesome. If it isn’t even a tiny bit queer, cool. Just write what you want to write and feel good about it, the rest will work itself out.

Kristin Says:

Do you want to know something that I think is pretty fucking cool? This March, Dannielle and I are going to be speaking at a conference for high school guidance counselors. The whole purpose of our discussion with these guidance counselors is to give them more information for working with their queer and trans students in situations exactly like the one you are having. The sentiments that Dannielle is sharing above are going to be a key part of the conversation.

I think coming out in a personal statement, if that is what is ringing in your ears and mind and heart when you sit down to write, is absolutely what you should do. Fuck the admissions office that would ever look at an honest reflection on an important facet of your identity and deny your admission because of that facet. Yes, the admissions office is not a reflection of the entire campus… but it is still a part of that campus, and if they don’t want you, they DO NOT DESERVE YOU.

I could flip at least three tables in my house over the anger I feel at even thinking of that possibility, and so should you.

You should always be encouraged to be who you are and to speak clearly and confidently about your journey, and to expect to be met with respect. Will it always happen? No, sadly it will not. However, the more people who stand together and say, “This is who I am. This is my journey. I deserve a space here on your campus/in your office/in this world,” the more powerful that chorus becomes, and the more the world has to listen.

I KNOW I GOT REALLY FIERY AND I KNOW THIS WAS ABOUT COLLEGE ESSAYS BUT YOU GUYS EVERYTHING IS A MICROCOSM OF EVERYTHING ELSE AND IT IS ALL CONNECTED AND YOU WRITE THAT GODDAMN ESSAY THE WAY YOU WANT GODDAMMIT.

YOU ARE A PERSON AND YOU ARE THE BEST.

*flips fourth table*

***
Sidebar: You should check out CampusPride for help in searching through LGBTQ friendly campuses. Also, if you have written your college essay on your queer or trans identity/coming-out experience, etc, email us at info (at) everyoneisgay (dot) com… we’d love to have your input on that March panel I mentioned!!

***

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01.19.2015
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"I am starting a new job that I’m really excited about! But I’m also terrified of beginning at a new place!!!!!! What do you guys do to calm your nerves? Hep meh!"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

If you watch COSMOS, you’ll realize that we are all pointless and no one will remember us and you’ll feel a lot better. OH, or you’ll have an existential crisis and stay home because nothing matters. GOOD LUCK.

Here is the real deal with me – I feel the exact same way. I spent so much time standing against walls reminding myself to breathe deeply. More recently I’ve started feeling a little more comfortable (still not totally there) and I’ve come up with lists of questions in my head to ask new people. The fact that I have this list is like mY SAVING GRACE. Find that for yourself, find the one thing you can hang onto in your brain that will help you feel some stability in this new and scary situation.

New jobs in general are terrifying. You feel like the new kid at school. No one knows you, they all have inside jokes already, everyone knows when and where to sit at lunch and IT’S SO DIFFICULT TO FEEL COMFORTABLE. BUUUUt the cool thing is, people are expecting you. People are stoked that you’re starting this job, they expect to meet someone new, they’re preparing small talk, AND ON TOP OF ALL OF THIS, they want to help you. People LOVE to help out the new kid, it makes them feel cool and smart. So ask for help, ask where the bathroom is, ask where everyone gets lunch, ask how long they’ve been working with your company, ask ask ask. People love to talk about things that they inherently know the answers to (i.e. we love to talk about OURSELVES).

You can totally do this, you’re gonna do great. They are already stoked to have you on board.

Kristin Says:

CONGRATS THIS IS SO EXCITING!

New jobs kind of make me feel like the first day of school — all of a sudden you get to sharpen your pencils and take out your new Trapper Keeper (IM OLD) and be like HELLO MY NAME IS KRISTIN AND TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE.

I am probably going to sharpen some pencils after answering you to see if I can at least get a contact high.

Annnnnyywaaayyyy. My approach is kind of similar, but also markedly different from Dannielle’s. Even though I can be a very talkative human in many situations, starting a new job or a new anything in a new place usually makes me get a little quiet… and I think that’s totally okay. My MO has been much more to say hello and be friendly, and then keep to myself and let the new friendships and relationships evolve over time.

Also by “keep to myself” I don’t mean stand in the corner and not look up. I just mean that if I go into the shared work kitchen and someone else is in there, I’d say ‘Good Morning!’ and then let them take the lead. If they say, ‘Good Morning, how are you today?’ then voila, you can reply with however you’re feeling… and be honest! ‘I’m good, a little nervous about all the new things, but super excited!’ If they just reply with ‘Good Morning,’ then I think it’s totally ok (and great) to get your coffee and return to your desk (or wherever you work, I DON’T KNOW YOU).

Remember that you are (most likely) going to be at this job for awhile. There’s no race to gather up all the work-friends and no race to let them know that you are f*cking awesome (which you are). You just be you – and if that means you’re a little quiet at first, that is NOT a turn-off.

Breathe, and be patient as things evolve. Don’t get discouraged if the first week passes and you still feel a little off-balance — it takes time to get in your groove in a new environment.

YOU TOTALLY GOT THIS.
<3

 

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08.15.2014
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