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“I feel a connection to the term butch, but it has a lot of history and specific significance for a lot of people and I’m not sure how well I fit the mold, so I’m hesitant to use it. I know I can identify however I want, but are there many people who identify as butch who aren’t stone and don’t bind?”

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

I think you can and I think it’s amazing that you know enough to be hesitant. A lot of people adopt terms and don’t know what they mean or the history and just tout around like they own the thing. You are in a fucking dope position.

It’s really cool that you’re unsure because you have the opportunity to understand the term even more and then figure out exactly why you’re so connected to it.

I feel like what you’re really getting at here is, “I identify with this term, but if people question me and tell me I’m an asshole for using it, I won’t know what to say.” SO HERE IS WHAT I SUGGEST.

Learn.

Learn a lot. Figure out where the term comes from and what it means to the people who originated that term. Learn why and how it has changed over the decades and find pieces of yourself all along the way. You don’t have to be the one perfect example of that term, but you do have to respect the term and know how to talk about it. So that when someone says, “whoa i thought butch was THIS SPECIFIC THINGY,” you have the ability to say “yea!! that is a huge part of why i feel connected to the movement, I’m shedding these blahblah standards, I don’t agree with the way society does yadda, etcetc” – BUT FILL IT IN WITH YOUR REAL FEELINGS.

LEARNING SOLVES SO MANY PROBLEMS.

10.8.2015
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“I've always considered myself to be a butch lesbian but lately I've been feeling rather femme. I've started caring more about things that never bothered me before like my appearance, how my hair looks, weight and wanting to wear more femme clothing. I just had my 18th birthday recently, so is it weird that I'm just now starting to change?”

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

LIIIIIIIIIISTEN. I used to wear the same spongebob pj pants to school every day. Then I got over that, and wore turtleneck sweaters and wide leg wool pants. Then I kissed a girl and cute my bangs. Then I wore a dress, then I wore a suit, then I wore jean shorts, then I cut my hair real short, then I grew my hair back out, all the while keeping my bangs, then I stopped wearing t-shirts, then I started wearing t-shirts again…Keep in mind I kept my bangs.

This was all over the span of about 9 years. It doesn’t even include the period in high school where I wore an over sized gap sweat shirt and flare jeans to school everyday. Or the period of my life where I ran every single day. Nor does it include when I wanted to be a stand up comedian.

My point is, you caring about your appearance, cutting you hair more often, worrying about weight, wearing skirts, putting lipstick on, shaving your legs everyday, throwing all your scrunchies away…these are all just side effects of growing up and actually figuring out what makes you feel comfortable.

When we’re younger we don’t really feel ‘comfortable’ bc we’re all so concerned with what other people think, then we grow up a little and realize…what the fuck were we thinking? no one else matters. Do whatever you want, wear whatever you want, weigh whatever you want, cut your hair however you want because it’s your life and what matters most is you bein’ happy and comfortable. It’s weird at first, but like, you’ll get more comfortable, and once you’re comfortable, you become confident and confidence is LITERALLY THE BEST.

Kristin Says:

You all don’t even want to KNOW how many different styles of dress I have worn in my lifetime, but I can tell you that at one point my favorite outfit was a black velvet dress, tied at the waist with a blood-red tassled rope that I would wear with my scuffed Doc Marten boots and my CUSTOM MOLDED FANGS.

You head me.

I had custom.  molded.  fangs.

My point is twofold:

1) I was into vampires WAY before Twilight or True Blood so KAPOW take that, bitches.

2) Dannielle is 800 million times correct.  The same way we learn about our hearts and wants and needs and interests as we grow up, we also figure out what makes us comfortable in terms of our appearance.

I know some girls who will never, ever wear a dress, and I know some who wear jeans and t-shirts on the daily but get all sorts of excited for a special occasions when they get to dress up, and I know some girls who wear dresses as often as possible (they are SO COMFORTABLE).

It is absolutely not weird at all that you are starting to like a different style of dress or a different haircut.  You have to be open to letting yourself change, whether that means now you like to wear blue eyeshadow or you don’t want to keep that Smurf t-shirt or you really want to have bangs for the next 22 years like Dannielle.

Everyone take a deep breath and be yourselves.  Fuck what anyone else thinks.

08.9.2011
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“I'm dating this new girl, and every time we hook up, she's always telling me how pretty I am. It kind of makes me feel weird for a few reasons, but mainly because I don't know how reciprocate since she's more on the andro/butch side of the spectrum and compliments like, "you're so pretty" don't really apply.”

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

I mean… ‘you’re so pretty’ … YOU’RE SO PRETTY?!?! YOU’RE.SO.PRETTY?!?!?!!!! This is what she says to you?!?! Not like, ‘i love your eyes’ or ‘i think you’re special’ or ‘dinner was awesome’ she says ‘YOU’RE SO PRETTY’

…I made a big deal out of that for no reason. It’s actually kind of cute.

Here’s what you can do:

1. Handsome is an awesome word. I fucking love it when bitches (my friends) call me handsome.
2. Specifics, instead of ‘you’re hot’ or ‘you’re pretty,’ try ‘i wanna put my boner in your eye color’ or ‘i love your body’ or ‘i’m pretty sure my face belongs in that place between your neck and your shoulder’
3. a good ole fashion ‘YOU ARE’ after a compliment always does the body good
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST.
4. you just whisper ‘shut up’ and throw her against something.

YOU’RE WELCOME.

Kristin Says:

Listen.  I know this is scary, but I find that the most wonderful things happen when you say exactly what you are thinking.  If she says ‘you look pretty,’ and the first thing you think to say back is, ‘you taste like root beer barrel candy,’ that might seemweird…but, trust me, someone said that to me once and I instantly melted into a pile of sexy rainbows.

Don’t be afraid to say what you are feeling in the moment.  Even if all you wind up squeaking is, “I never know how to tell you that you are gorgeous because I want to say it in a way that makes you understand…and…” {insert embarrassed look}, that is pretty much the most adorable thing on the planet, and if you said that to me I would kiss your entire face.  You know?

If all else fails, follow Dannielle’s Rule #4.  Telling people to shut up and then throwing them up against things blows “you’re handsome” out of the motherfucking water.

11.16.2010
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“I'm in an awkward place right now. I'm a lesbian, and I feel like I have to decide whether I want to be the butch or the femme. I don't know which one to pick. I feel like I could go either way. Help?”

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Ok, a. I spent some time dealing with this issue, not in relation to being gay, but in relation to being comfortable. I have NEVER been completely comfortable in girly clothes, I just don’t feel right. I used to try to wear tight fitting shirts and flare jeans with a hip belt, but the truth is, i had NO self-confidence b/c i felt like a moron.

My point is, what makes you feel most comfortable? When are you like ‘damn, I look good.’ Is it when you’re mid-spray with your canister of Axe: Phenix, or is it after you color-coordinate your peacock earrings to your toenail polish? (you guys I don’t even know how to make appropriate girl references) Don’t dress a certain way b/c you feel like you should or shouldn’t, and if somedays you want to wear a tie and other days you want to wear a dress. So be it! No one is telling you to choose (except society and society doesn’t count), and if they are, then tell them to chose between their mom and their dad and shove a pie in their face, then make the flower on your shirt squirt seltzer water into their eye (this only works if it happens on a day you are dressed as a clown.

Kristin Says:

This is easy: You don’t have to pick.

…No, seriously.  It’s that easy.

05.11.2010
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