“I’m a larger queer girl, and I’ve just started experimenting with clothes that I like to wear, and not the frumpy things that everyone tells me I should wear. I don’t want to cover myself up anymore, because so much of that is based in shame for me. But I still get weird looks from people if I wear something more revealing. Should I stop wearing these clothes, or stop caring what they think?”
- Question submitted by Anonymous and answered by Bethany Rutter as part of Everyone Is Gay: Second Opinions
Bethany Says:
Definitely the latter. One solution you propose is a short-term solution, the other could stay with you for life. You know you don’t want to cover yourself up anymore, and you’re ready to find out who you are. I know everyone likes to pretend they’re somehow above image, but clothing can be such a liberating way to express yourself—especially if you belong to a group whose image is policed and controlled as much as fat girls’ are. You rightly acknowledge that all the rhetoric that’s dictated your clothing choices up until now is “based in shame,” so I would say for you to stop wearing stuff because of how people look at you would be a step backwards.
I get it’s hard: puzzled or hostile stares from the general public will always wound you a little. But once you build your own armor against them, you’ll find it sort of rolls off you. Consume lots of media (probably all found on the internet, to be honest) of fat women wearing whatever the hell they want, or wearing nothing at all. This is a Tumblr featuring a lot of diverse fat bodies that is regularly updated, and this is a list by Bustle on a few online fat positive resources. Not to blow my own horn, but I blog at ArchedEyebrow.com and keep everything 100% fat-loving 100% of the time. I also love Nicolette Mason’s blog, and Jessica’s Tumblr makes my pulse race with joy.
Buy/make/trade clothes that make you feel amazing. Put them on at home, take 10000 selfies, and look at how empowered you’ve become by being yourself. Remind yourself it’s possible, and that you’re allowed to leave the house wearing what makes you happy. I 100% promise you that shaping your mind to be positive about your fat body is so much harder than dealing with patriarchal body-shaming normative bullshit – but it’s worth it. I can tell from your message that you already know what you need to do for yourself, and I have total faith that you can see this through and show the world just how amazing you feel about your fat self.
***
Click through to read more about Bethany and our other Second Opinions Panelists!
“I’m a fat girl, and mostly pretty ok with it. However, I can’t help but compare my body to my girlfriend’s, especially when we are naked/having sex. She’s thinner than me and I always end up feeling self-conscious. How do I deal with this internalized fat phobia?”
- Question submitted by Anonymous and answered by Bethany Rutter as part of Everyone Is Gay: Second Opinions
Bethany Says:
Dear Fat Babe,
I’m really glad to hear you’re mostly pretty ok with your body- that’s a lot more than a lot of fat girls, unfortunately! As for your current predicament, and I know quotes are gauche, but as a famous old white dude said: “comparison is the thief of joy.” And I really believe it is.
As someone who dates people of any gender, I often find myself particularly self-conscious when I date and sleep with women, because I know how invasive and pernicious fatphobia is among women, thanks to oppressive patriarchal body standards. But then I just have to think to myself: do I trust this person? Because that’s what it comes down to. Thinking ‘she’s judging me, she’s judging my body, how could she not be?’ stops me from appreciating the fact that she’s there, now. Your girlfriend probably thinks you’re hot as hell, or she wouldn’t be hitting the hay with you. You have to trust that, trust your girlfriend’s excellent taste in women (you).
Your message gives no indication that your girlfriend has expressed dissatisfaction with your lovely fat body, and it sounds like that most of the beef is coming from your own insecurities. I know how hard it is out there for fat babes, but I also know that it’s something only you can change. Having romantic, sexual and platonic relationships with people who treat you great (mind, body and soul) is a good place to start, but if you don’t make strides to keep up with them, then it’s easy to let your insecurities push them away.
My top tips for getting your fat-confidence up are firstly: get to know your body and what it looks like from every angle. You can’t really love something without knowing it intimately and having a frank relationship with it. Look at yourself in the mirror, see what your girlfriend sees when you’re in bed together. Secondly, I would recommend you look at photos of other hot fat babes and reflect on how beautiful they are. Normalize your relationship with attractive fat bodies. Again, put yourself in your girlfriend’s position: try to understand what true beauty she’s beholding when she looks at you.
Ask your girlfriend to tell you why she loves your body, what makes you sexy, why she’s drawn to you. Start to see yourself as she sees you, rather than participating in a patriarchal race that, in this case, has no winners. Comparing yourself to your girlfriend and feeling bad only makes sense if being fat is bad, and it isn’t. You’re undoubtedly a delight, and you’ve found yourself a partner that wants to get naked with you. Don’t waste these great things on self-consciousness and shame!
***
Click through to read more about Bethany and our other Second Opinions Panelists!
"I am not poly, have always considered myself really monogamous, but I recently find myself SUPER AMAZINGLY TOTALLY attracted to this smart, sexy, thoughtful person who is poly. I’m ultimately looking for someone who wants a long-term, monogamous relationship, but I’m really open to some dating and experimenting and making connections in the short term. If things go the sexy direction, what should I do?"
- Question submitted by Anonymous and answered by Bethany Rutter as a part of Everyone Is Gay: Second Opinions
Bethany Says:
Dear potential poly,
So much of life is engineered to be a miserable, bleak, hard trek, and once in a while we get the chance to sprinkle it with a little bit of joy. Yes, you say that what you’re ‘ultimately’ looking for a long-term, monogamous relationship, but you don’t say that you’re temperamentally unsuited to nonmonogamy. My point is: who cares what you think you want in the end. When you’re given the chance to bring a bit of fun to your life right now, where’s the beef? Most people you encounter possess maybe one or two of ‘smart, sexy, thoughtful’, let alone all three, and you say yourself that you are ‘SUPER AMAZINGLY TOTALLY attracted’ to them!
My point about being temperamentally unsuited is, I think, important: if you had expressed anxiety about nonmonogamy, and if I thought pursuing this person would go against the fundamental basis for your happiness, I wouldn’t be so enthusiastic with my advice.
You know yourself better than anyone else, and you’re probably right about the fact that, long-term, you want to pursue monogamous relationships. With that in mind, though, even you’re saying that you’re ‘really open to dating and experimenting and making connections’ right now! It sounds as if you’re super into this person – for good reason – and you know that exploring this relationship is going to be worth your while. The fact that ‘thoughtful’ was one of the three characteristics you listed is good grounds for this being a person with whom you can have fun and fulfilling encounters of all types.
You don’t need me to tell you to just be mindful and cautious of your own feelings and this person’s. It can be hard to balance the opposing forces of ‘everyone has to start somewhere with nonmonogamy’ and ‘I don’t want to feel like someone’s toy who they can pick up and put down’. Be honest and respectful about the fact you’re not sure if it’s the relationship structure for you long-term, but that you don’t see the point in denying the attraction you feel.
I say this a lot, in a lot of contexts, but I think moving to a less rigid and permanent way of looking at things like relationship types and sexualities could really help people (including you!). If we took a more fluid approach to the movements and changes in state of platonic/romantic/sexual relationships, and more usefully interrogated what we want right now, rather than what we were in the past or what we think we want to be in the future, the time we spend on this mortal coil could pass more pleasantly.
I think what you need is a little push out of the nest. You’ve done most of the work yourself (read your message back again!) and you know what you want. I’m here to tell you that it’s ok to indulge that in a way that’s fun for both of you. Open up conversation with this person about what your reservations are, listen to any of theirs, and see if by the end of it you think you can offer each other something great. It sounds like you can.
Bethany
***
Click through to read more about Bethany and our other Second Opinions panelists!
"What is nonmonogamy, and could it help me have better relationships?"
- Question asked by Anonymous and answered by Bethany Rutter as a part of Everyone Is Gay: Second Opinions.
Bethany Says:
Just like how there isn’t only one way to experience sexuality, there isn’t only one way to do relationships. Even though culturally we’re proposed with three options: monogamy, singledom or cheating, I’m here to tell you that there’s more to life than this.
There are lots and lots of ways to organize and categorize your relationships, but if you don’t feel a natural pull towards monogamy, maybe you could consider being nonmonogamous. You might have heard the word ‘polyamory’, which, in my opinion, refers to a structure of relationship. Relationships are polyamorous, people are nonmonogamous.
You can be single and nonmonogamous. Even when I’m not dating anyone, I am still nonmonogamous. It describes me in the same way as ‘queer’. It describes my inclinations and interests, even if it doesn’t always describe what I’m doing in practical terms. Just like I’m still queer even if I’m dating a man, I’m still nonmonogamous even if I have no partners at all. My default state is not monogamous. I am not working towards a point of monogamy when I start a relationship with someone.
If I’m in a relationship with one person, and then I start a relationship with another person simultaneously, then it could be said that I’m polyamorous because I have multiple partners.
To recap: nonmonogamous means you’re not motivated by, or seeking, monogamous relationships. Polyamorous means you’re in multiple relationships simultaneously.
Unfortunately, there are a lot of negative stereotypes surrounding nonmonogamy, and a lot of assumptions about the nature of these relationships and the people who have them. It’s like an expansion of the stereotypes around bisexuality: that nonmonogamous people are greedy, untrustworthy, inconsistent. That it’s a young person’s game. That you’ll ‘make up your mind and settle down eventually.
In actual fact, there’s no reason why nonmonogamous people should conform to any stereotype in particular. The only way to define or characterize a nonmonogamous person is by the fact they choose not to have monogamous relationships.
A useful way to think about it is to ask ourselves why we separate romantic and sexual love from all the other kinds of love we experience in our lifetimes. You have more than one friend, right? And you don’t necessarily do the same stuffwith all your friends. Some friends are better at making you laugh, some friends like going to the cinema with you, some are good at listening to your problems, others you only see once or twice a year but they’re still there for you. Think about what you get out of this multiplicity and diversity of friendships, how much having all these different experiences nourishes and enriches your experience of being here.
Even if it’s important to you to have one Best Friend who should be there on call with unconditional love and support and fun, that doesn’t mean that you don’t also have other friends you hang out with and have fun with in different ways.
Then apply that to romantic and sexual relationships. Films and books have filled us with the supposedly dreamy notion that our ‘one true love’ is not only out there, but fulfils every one of our needs and wants, and if they don’t, then they’re not actually The One for you. But that feels like a lot of pressure to me. I, for one, know that I have a much nicer time when I judge and am judged on what I’m willing and able to bring to a relationship? When you’re not looking for someone to tick every single box, you’re more likely to be able to focus on what their good bits are and the ways in which you work well together, rather than wailing that they don’t love your favorite band or prefer being the big spoon.
For me, that’s what underpins my nonmonogamy. I don’t want anyone to be committing in ways they don’t feel comfortable committing, and I don’t want to make promises I have no intention or ability to keep.
As far as I’ve experienced it, attraction isn’t a switch you flip. When you enter into a new relationship, you don’t flip the switch to the ‘off’ position to ensure you only have eyes for your new person. If that happens of its own accord, then you’re probably naturally monogamous. But if you’ve always got that curiosity, that thirst to get to know other people, to explore your attraction, then that doesn’t make you a bad person. Asserting your needs and boundaries, asking for a style and shape of relationship that suits you and allows you to keep exploring shows you respect yourself and your partner.
No, it’s not like cheating. Cheating is much more common than ethical nonmonogamy, and in a strange way, much more culturally accepted. It doesn’t, however, show you have any particular respect for your own boundaries or your partner’s, and can cause untold levels of pain, hurt and stress. Nonmonogamy isn’t all plain sailing forever, but what relationship is?
Even if you decide monogamy is the style for you, it’s always worth asking if the emotional and practical commitments are suiting you and your partner, and if you both feel like you’re getting what you want and need out of the relationship. Keep checking in with whoever you’re dating, and most importantly with yourself, and ask if things are feeling comfortable for you. Shaping your relationship how you need it to be is a great, liberating act that I can’t recommend enough.
***
Click through to read more about Bethany and our other Second Opinions panelists!
