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"My girlfriend has brought up several times that she wants to try new things in the bedroom, like me hitting and slapping her. I like to think that I’m open to anything, but this BDSM stuff does not feel natural to me right off the bat because I’ve never done - or really thought about doing - anything like this. But I want to make my girlfriend happy. What should I do???"

- Question submitted by Anonymous and answered by Whiskey Blue as part of Everyone Is Gay: Second Opinions.

Whiskey Says:

Hi! What a great question. Thanks for sending it. I’m going to start right from the beginning. Ready?

What is BDSM? The acronym means Bondage, Discipline, Sadism and Masochism. The dynamic consists of a powerplay between a dominant partner and a submissive partner. The practices are countless—from spanking to tying each other up to toys and tools that facilitate creating BDSM scenes between consenting partners.

But what is BDSM really about? Our impulse might be to reduce BDSM to a specific act or set of acts—or a random image of a person tied up in a dungeon—but at its core BDSM refers to a playful exchange of power between consenting partners who have set down boundaries and chosen a safe word to use if anyone begins to feel they’re out of their comfort zone. BDSM doesn’t refer to any specific act, practice, or fetish. It requires trust on both parts, and open communication beforehand so that all parties can come up with the scene (the setting, the practice, toys, anything!) and, most importantly, communicate what is okay and what isn’t okay.

Now, all of this being said, if you don’t want to be slapped you don’t want to be slapped. Maybe you will never want to be slapped. Maybe that’s a hard limit. Maybe one day you’ll be open to it and it can be a soft limit and maybe it will turn out you like it. Maybe you’ll never want to try. All of these possibilities are totally okay and totally legitimate.

As for potentially trying BDSM with your girlfriend, you could start by asking her if there are any specific practices she’s particularly interested in. Maybe she can tell you what she knows about these practices, and why they’re enticing to her. Then you can do any kind of research you want. I think talking about this a few times will greatly relieve anxieties you have about BDSM as a concept, and that talking about specific practices will help you focus on a specific idea or image rather than tackling the infinite world that can be called BDSM. I recommend having multiple conversations with your girlfriend. This way you can take your time. You can avoid feeling rushed or feeling like you’re expected to do anything you’re not ready or willing to do. You can also do some research on your own (here’s a great Salon article about safe sex kink practices for teenagers).

If you decide to explore BDSM with your girlfriend, start out with something that you both can agree on and something that doesn’t scare you. I don’t want to assign any specific value to any specific BDSM practice but… let’s just say you started with the possibility of spanking. Spanking is a popular practice that can be very gentle. Partners can work their way up in terms of intensity depending on needs and desires. The potential for injury or damage is very low if this is done conscientiously. Start off really gentle and go from there. Start off with just one. Start off just talking about it, even.

If spanking is not of interest to you or if it’s triggering, there are other ways to explore a light powerplay. You could go so far (or not far) as to lie down with your arms above your head— pretending you’re bound, pretending you can’t move them. This gives you the sensation of relinquishing control without being physically constrained. Alternately, of course, your partner can lie on her back with her arms above her head, depending on who will be dominant and who will be submissive. You can take turns, too.

You can also write a script! Who is going to be dominant? Who is going to be submissive? Where will the setting be? What will the act be? You can establish hard limits, too, which means that you can explain what you would consider going too far. This ensures that, from the very beginning, you get to establish what is absolutely off the table for this first encounter. Then you can choose a safe word together (Dan Savage’s safe word is popcorn) and use it when one of you wants to stop. Say the spanking is a bit harder than you’d like—popcorn!Say your partner is asking you to slap her in the face but you’re not ready—popcorn! Say you’re not into hanging out tonight—just kidding, I guess you don’t need a safe word for that. Anyway, start by talking it out, then talk it out again, and again. Then take it as slow or as fast as you like, and let me know how it goes.

***

Click through to read more about Whiskey and our other Second Opinions panelists!

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"My gf just told me that she wants to try sexitimes where I tie her up with rope. I’m totally cool with this on principle, but I’m also hella nervous that I am going to accidentally hurt her –– I’ve never done anything like this before! Also, I’m awful at tying knots. We both know it’s going to be awkward, but do you have any tips for making this experience at least a bit better than I’m envisioning?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

“Mostly want to answer because ‘I’m awful at tying knots’ LOLOLOLO” -Kristin Russo, your daily advice guru.

ANYWAY. One of the greatest things about being in a intimate and sexi relaysh with someone is the fact that you can tell them about all your fantasies and they won’t judge you. WHAT’S MORE, they may help you make those fantasies a reality. I think we all know doing things you’ve never done before is awkward, regardless of what it is that you’re doing. First time roller skating? AWKWARD. First time eating an oyster? AWKWARD. First time doing burpees? AWKWARD. First time tying up your girlf for sexi stuff? AWKWARD.

The good news is, you’re both aware it will be awkward. So, just go for it. Maybe have a craft night where you PRACTICE TYING THESE KNOTS TOGETHER and then once you get the hang of it be all “now let’s see if I can tie this on you *swagger look*” and you’ll giggle / tie her up and it’ll be less awkward bc you’re already giggling. You know?

GOOD LUCK THO.

Kristin Says:

I really did queue this question because “I’m awful at tying knots” made ma laugh for DAYS. Omg. Made ME. Not ma. I am not referring to myself as “ma” in the third person.

Moving. Along.

The two of you practicing tying knots together before trying this is the absolute most adorable and hilarious and wonderful idea I have EVER heard of. BRILLIANT. FIFTY POINTS FOR GRIFFINDOR* (*Dannielle).

To echo some of the above sentiments: it is totally okay if the first time is awkward! What you’ll find, I think, is that the first time you try something like this, it will be around 80% awkward and 20% awesome, give or take. Unless you are really good at being sexy…  which like… who the f*ck is actually good at being sexy. Right? Then, the next time you try it, you’ll be more confident about the possibility of some awesome moments (bc you had that 20%), and so it might be more like 60% awkward, 40% awesome. With practice, you could potentially get to like EIGHTY PERCENT AWESOME. (Sorry to not say 100%, it’s just… there has to be at least a few tiny moments of awkward even when it’s the best sex ever).(This is real life, people).

You might also find that in your brain-heads, being tied up is the best fantasy, but in reality, maybe not so much. The best part about sexitimes is experimenting with new things, learning along the way, being open to new ideas and okay with laughing hysterically at the things that leave you both exasperated and naked with forty poorly-tied knots.

Have fun!

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“Long story short, I'm a guy in the closet with a boyfriend two states over. He gave me this cute collar for my birthday, and I've been wearing it around the house, but I'm too nervous to wear it anywhere else. I'm usually not a very risque dresser, so how can I justify to my friends that I want to walk around in bondage?”

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Well, when you’re friends are like ‘dude…WHAT IS THAT’ all you have to do is look them in the eye and very seriously say ‘a collar’ and then let the silence hang in the air for a GOOD TEN SECONDS, then just lunge the top half of your body toward them… Don’t do anything, just lunge a little bit… they’ll get the point.

BUTSRSLYYOUGUYS. Normally when you try to switch up your wardrobe your friends are like ‘ummmmm’ but they mean no harm and all you have to do is DO IT. When I started wearing vests all the time people were like ‘so, you’re really embracing this gay thing, huh?’ and i’d be like ‘yEA. YEA I AM’ and I’d LOL all over the place…I mean, I was super uncomfortable on the inside, but I just pretended I wasn’t. You want to spice up your wardrobe, spice it up, who cares why, how or who gave you the collar…

or you could always say ‘like my collar? i’m gay…soooooo’ and then see what happens??

Kristin Says:

Here is the thing.  I don’t understand why wearing a collar has to be classified as risque attire…it isn’t like you are wearing assless leather chaps to the grocery store, you know?

Here’s the other thing.  Yes, when people see a boy wearing a leather bondage collar they may automatically assume that he is a gayboy.  That is their problem.  Your sexuality is your business, and if your friends are like, “Dude, you wear a leather collar but you still say you don’t like boys in your bed?  PSHHHH,” you can be like, “Well, Tom, I am not sure if you are aware of this, but having a piece of leather in the vicinity of one’s neck doesn’t force that person to be attracted to boys.  Anyway, I don’t go around asking who you bone all the time, so calm down.”

You don’t have to justify anything.  You should wear what you want to wear, and that’s that.

One more idea: if your friend is like, “A LEATHER COLLAR?!” then you should look back and respond, “NIKE SNEAKERS?!” (or some other mundane article of clothing that they are wearing)

That’ll shut ‘em right up.

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