"Hi so I am a lesbian who is still mostly in the closet I am just not ready to come out just yet but there is a guy in my class who has a big crush on me. I don't like him at all but I don't want to be rude he keep's asking me out on date's and I keep saying no. How can I get the message to him nicely that it's nothing personal I just don't like him without coming out as gay?"
-Question Submitted by Anonymous
HOW ABOUT DON’T GET THE MESSAGE TO HIM NICELY ANYMORE, HUH?!
Oooooooooh, Anonymous, I am sorry for yelling, but your question fired up all of my feminist gears and pistons and engines and superpowers and whatever else comes in this box labeled “Feminist Powers, Open With Care.” Let’s just take a moment to go over what you said here:
– A boy asked you out on a date
– You politely said no
– A boy asked you out on a date again
– You politely said no
– A boy. Asked you out. On a date. AGAIN.
Now, and I understand where you are coming from, I DO, you are asking how else to fucking politely say no again but GUESS WHAT… this boy isn’t getting the message. Guess what else? Your sexuality doesn’t need to have anything to do with this exchange, because who you choose to go out with isn’t anyone’s business but your own.
I am mad, Anonymous, not because of this one boy in your class who has a crush and who might just reaaallly think that you saying “no,” means “maybe.” However, read that last sentence again and you’ll get where this kind of behavior is super fucking dangerous. When people think “no” means “maybe,” other people – and especially women – are put in really shitty, dangerous, fucked up situations. This boy in your class, and lots of other boys (and other people, not just boys!) need to be taught to listen to what others say, and not assume that they know what others might want despite what they say.
Does this mean you have to walk into class, open up your own box of feminist-power and smash this boy over the head with it?? You certainly CAN, but that isn’t the only solution here.
If I were you, the first step I’d take would be to speak directly and clearly (which is still polite!), letting this boy know that I’d like him to stop asking me out. I’d say something like, “Listen. I don’t want to go out on a date with you, and I would appreciate it if you didn’t as me any more. It’s important to me that we have the ability to be friends, and the more you ask, the less that becomes possible!”
Now, you’ve drawn your line. Clearly.
If this boy asks you out again after you say these words to him, I don’t know that he even deserves an answer, and that much is up to you. If you’re feeling it as much as I am feeling it though, turn to him and say, “I didn’t have interest in going on a date in the first place, but I can tell you very clearly that I would never, ever want to date a person who doesn’t trust the words that I share with them. I’ve repeatedly told you I wasn’t interested in dating you, and I also tried to be polite. You have disrespected me by ignoring what I’ve said and what I’ve asked for, and I think that if you are looking to date anyone in the future, you should really think about being more respectful to start with. THANK YOU AND GOOD DAY, SIR.”
Then, blast a Beyonce song in your mind and go back to your work.
*flips all the furniture in the room*
"I have my first date this Saturday and we’re going to the mall and dinner and I’ve never really been on a date before and I don’t know what to do. PLEASE HELP. I DON’T WANT TO SCARE HER OFF BY PANICKING OR SOMETHING LIKE I’M DOING NOW."
-Question submitted by Kirbyauiettree
OKAY FIRST OF ALL. You’re doing great.
Going to the mall is the best bc there are literally 45 things to do. I mean, it’s a mall, so it’s sorta dumb IN THAT there are just stores, but stores can be really fun. You automatically have the ability to point at REALLY HORRIBLE clothing items and say ‘you should really think about wearing more stuff like this’ with a really serious face.
Also, as long as you’re being you and not trying too hard you’ll be fine. BOO-DATE ALREADY SAID YES. You know? So, just don’t be a TOTAL idiot and you’ll be fine. UNLESS YOU ARE NATURALLY A TOTAL IDIOT, IN WHICH CASE, BE A TOTAL IDIOT BC THAT’S WHO YOU ARE AND YOU SHOULD ALWAYS BE YOURSELF.
Now I present you with “DANNIELLE’S TOP FIVE NEVERS”
Never eat spaghetti on a first date (i read that in cosmo once).
Never smell your armpits in public.
Never toot on a first date.
Never eat your boogers.
Never say mean stuff to be funny.
Relatedly, when on a first date:
Never say “we should go try on underwear together.”
Never smell her armpits in public.
Never throw pie at her face.
Never adopt a puppy together.
Never hide in a clothes rack until she panics and calls the mall police.
Seriously, though… EVERYONE IS ALWAYS NERVSIES ON A FIRST DATE YOU GUYS. You are going to be totally okay and you are going to ask her if she wants to get an ice cream sundae before the movie and you are going to ask her where she grew up and if she has siblings and then you are going to go to the movie and get popcorn and soda and milk duds and after the movie you are going to be like AHHHH I LOVE JENNIFER LAWRENCE ETC ETC, and then maybe you will give her a quick kiss goodbye OR maybe you will want to kiss her but you’ll panic OR maybe you’ll make out during the credits…
It’s anyone’s guess, but so long as you don’t dump your popcorn over her head and/or stand up during the movie and scream “I LOVE THIS WOMAN” while pointing to her, you are going to do fine. Dates are the same as hanging out with a friend, it’s just you get to be way more nervous because you like them in a romance-type way and you want it to go well and maybe you want to eventually cuddle with them slash touch their boobs.
November 4, 2010: IT IS OUR QUINCEAÑERA. Also, I just figured out how to make a tilde over the letter 'n' using html. 1. There's this girl at the gym, who I only see in the locker room. How do I ask her out without it being awkward? 2. How do you deal with bitch-ass hos? #spanish
"cutest way to ask a girl out?
i wanna wow the crap out of her. figuratively of course."
-Question submitted by Anonymous
I’ve seen some pretty cute things. My friend, Erin, spelled ‘will you be my gf’ in pancakes. This girl, Brittany, spelled ‘be my girlfriend’ in m&m’s for a girl who’s initials are MM. One time I changed my myspace song to be ‘Girlfriend’ by Nsync (ft. Nelly), and said girl changed her myspace song to “Yeah” by Lil Jon, Ludacris and Usher. You could always go Laguna Beach prom style, and show up in her house with ‘Prom?’ written on your chest. It’s going to be cute no matter what you do, b/c you obvi like her a tonsies and you want to impress her. So, if you’re willing to put in a lot of effort, no matter what you do, it’ll be great. Maybe talk to her close friends and figure out what her favorite things are. Somehow incorporate those. NO ONE SPELLS THINGS WITH PLANES ANYMORE. You should do that. Or start sweeping her body with a broom and when she’s like ‘WTF ANONYMOUS’ you can be like ‘sorry, i’m trying to sweep you off your feet’
Okay, listen. I am sure that the girls who spelled out things in their pancakes and in their m&ms are totally adorable and sane, but also…if someone spelled out something in their pancakes for me I think I might be a little scared. Then again, I am a total freak and usually like when girls pretend like they don’t like me EVEN THOUGH I KNOW THEY DO, because I find that endearing. So, I guess what I am saying is, know your audience.
If said girl is more like Dannielle (read: normal), then go ahead and spell things in your tater tots. Shit, actually, I love tater tots so that might work on me, too. HOWEVER. If said girl is more like me (read: a disaster in sane clothing), then you may want to go more of the adorable-in-more-subtle-ways route. Even just take it down one notch: ask her to hold out her hand and close her eyes, and then use a pen to write “I like you” on her palm. Tell her to open her eyes. If she is as awesome as me she will ask you to close YOUR eyes and then write “I like you, too” on your palm. Then it will be a thingand you can write “Will you go out with me?” on your next turn (now move to the inner arm!), and she will write “Yesyesyes” on yours, and you will both be covered in ink and happiness before the night is over.
See what I was saying about how crazy I am? I’m like, “You guys, spelling things in M&Ms is SO SCARY, instead WRITE IN INK ON HER FLESH.”