, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

“What are some good ways to make friends/meet people as a shy college first year?”

- Question submitted by Anonymous and answered by Anna Livia Chen as a part of Everyone Is Gay: Second Opinions

Anna Livia Says:

Y’all, I definitely identify with this.

I’ve always thought of myself as shy. Even though I got more outgoing throughout high school, I still see myself as a very shy person—especially in new situations. I just started my first year of college, and I was definitely nervous about making new friends, especially since I am not very good at being outgoing with people I don’t know.

The biggest thing that helped me was to reframe it. Rather than thinking, “oh damn, now I have to do something I’m not good at,” I thought of it as, “oh good, this is a chance to push my comfort zone!” Granted, you still have to put yourself in situations that make you feel a little uncomfortable, but hey, isn’t that what college is about? For myself, I knew that if I were to just do what felt comfortable,

I would only talk to a few people—and that even if I did talk to more people, the friendships might not be as deep or authentic as I wanted them to be, because being comfortable too often means refusing to show the vulnerability that leads to strong and wholehearted friendships.

So, instead of just going to my room when had downtime during orientation week, I pushed myself to spend time with the other freshmen in my hall. Instead of only sticking with the extracurricular activities that I did in high school, I joined a club sport (shameless plug: Ultimate Frisbee is the best, you should check it out at your school!). I made small talk with classmates and ate meals with friends of friends.

I’m not going to lie, there were times when I wanted nothing more than to be cuddled up in my bed and watching Lost instead of being social. I kind of dreaded practice for the first few weeks because I was afraid I was going to look like a fool and that no one would like me. There is a reason they call it “stepping outside of your comfort zone,” after all.

But, as is often the case when we are nervous about new situations, everything was a lot scarier in my mind than in reality. My hallmates were hilarious and I had a blast every night that I sacrificed sleep to stay up with them. I still consider these people my core group of friends that I can hang out with or eat with whenevs. My teammates were the most friendly and the most patient with my learning curve and some of my closest friends are the ones who I threw my worst throws to in our first few weeks of Ultimate practice.

All of that being said, don’t be afraid to balance social time with alone time. One of the really daunting things about college that I noticed within the first few days is that you are basically around people all. the. time. You will probably have a roommate your first year, so your room isn’t yours alone. During the day, you are surrounded by people, whether during class, during club meetings, or studying in the library. When you go to eat, you enter a dining hall filled with other hungry humans. Even the bathrooms offer minimal privacy!

Being a self-described shy person does not necessarily mean that you are an introvert… but there is a very good chance that it does (if you don’t take my word for it, you can use this super official resource to check). And this literally means that you need alone time to recharge your batteries. Introverts can 100% be social people (speaking as someone who is EXTREMELY introverted), but you’re not going to enjoy any of your socializing time if it the only way you spend your time. So go for a walk off campus, find a quiet spot under a tree to read a book, or catch up on your Netflix addiction on your own when your roommate is out partying.

IN SUM: Push your comfort zone. Be yourself. Don’t be afraid to recharge. Ryan Gosling.

***

Click through to read more about Anna Livia and our other Second Opinions panelists!

01.28.2014
Ask A Question
share:

, , , , , , , , , , , ,

“So I was talking with a girl in my theatre class the other day, and she’s interested in starting a GSA (or something similar) at our school. She’s a senior and I’m a freshman. I’m totally interested, and I even know a teacher who I’m pretty sure would be willing to be involved. But A) we live in a fairly conservative rural community and B) I’m only out to a couple friends. Help?”

- Question submitted by Anonymous and answered by Anna Livia Chen as a part of Everyone Is Gay: Second Opinions

Anna Livia Says:

I think in these types of situations, it’s really important to think about what your goals and vision are, and then proceed from there.

A lot of times, the activism community hammers in this idea that you have to go whole hog and completely revolutionize your school–or circle of friends or family or church or whatever group you are trying to impact. And while I think this is a powerful idea, it can be pretty hard to achieve, and, in my opinion, isn’t always the best way to go about things. It takes so much courage and gumption to take any kind of action in your situation (by the way, major, major props and snaps for that), I don’t want you to ever think that you aren’t doing enough by starting small.

All that being said, you don’t have to start small!! You can start at whatever scope you want to—but really take some time to think about what you want to accomplish or create through starting this club. Do you want to start a big, radical movement to make your campus the most progressive high school in the state and make it onto GLSEN’s front page? Do you want to form a club that acts as a support and community group that is a resource for people who feel marginalized by the heteronormativity of high school?  Do you want to create a group that raises some queer issues to the greater campus community, but isn’t necessarily demanding systemic reforms like gender-neutral bathrooms and changes to curricula? This question about vision is the thing that I think is most important to contemplate and consider before moving forward.

But don’t forget!! Your answer doesn’t have to be fully formed or permanent. It, like everything, can be fluid. You can have one vision today and then change it in a year or a semester or a month or even a week. You can have a general inkling of what you want and begin to move forward on that, then further flesh out your vision once you start the actual process. You might want to start small but once you actually do start, you realize you want to achieve more. Or, you might have a huge vision but then realize it is too overwhelming to do all at once. Your goals and your vision can totally change over time, but it is important to think about them before and while you begin this process–and to keep checking in with them once your club is up and running.

Thinking about what you want your club to look like will help you with the other parts of your question. It sounds like you are a little nervous about involving yourself  because you aren’t out to very many people and are afraid of what people will think of you and the club because of the conservative nature of your area. These concerns are totally valid and I think they will be very useful for helping you decide what you want your vision to be. In addition, if you don’t want starting this club to have a big impact on how others see you, you can get creative and think of some ways to circumvent that. FOR EXAMPLE:

1. You could enlist some other friends and embark on this club-making party together. That makes it a lot harder for you to be singled out—and some of the people in the group will probably be straight, meaning your personal identity won’t be automatically implicated by your involvement.

2. You can start a club that is more under the radar. Rather than making a huge deal out of it in the school bulletin or with posters around the school, tell some of your friends, have the information diffuse, and the people who want to be there will find their way to your meetings—the haters probably won’t actually know your name is connected to it, so they can’t hurt you that way. This would work better if you want your club to be a support/community group, but you could still use this strategy to get the ball rolling with an advocacy group, then make it more public as you start doing events and have some more people behind you.

3. You can always go the whole “DIVERSITY CLUB OF HAPPINESS” route. Maybe not that exact title… but the point is that you don’t have to advertise your safe space as a GAYGAYGAY-Straight Alliance. A lot of clubs, even in progressive areas, will use other names to diffuse the notion that you have to be gay to be in the club. You can do something gay/rainbow related (Spectrum, Prism, and Rainbow Club are some that I have heard), or you can make it even more broad/vague. The space is still serving the role of a GSA, but this frames it in a little more discrete for you—and for other people who may want to be members but are nervous about the title.

The last thing I want you to think about is to remember your resources. No matter where you live, you will always have some resources to use to your advantage in making your vision a reality. Whether it is a few supportive teachers that will advocate for you against hesitant administrators; some friends to help spread the word and attend meetings; or even your legal rights (WHICH ARE REALLY IMPORTANT, GUYS), don’t forget that you are not alone in this.

***

Click through to read more about Anna Livia and our other Second Opinions panelists!

 

10.22.2013
Ask A Question
share: