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“This question might be a little trite, but how do you deal with needing to carry around a purse when you’re not a very feminine person? I don’t like how they look, but I’ve got all this stuff! Help?”

- Question submitted by Anonymous and answered by Anita Dolce Vita as part of Everyone Is Gay: Second Opinions

Anita says:

Your question is not trite at all. Curating a wardrobe that fits your identity is a struggle that many have in a world that imposes very restrictive, binary rules on how we can express ourselves! You are not alone and you are not the first to ask this question.

I’ve got some good news for you; Purse alternatives are an easy style fix because you do not have to worry about proper fit or tailoring, and there are affordable options available at thrift stores and online ETSY boutiques, as well as more pricey investment pieces that you can purchase from designers like Ted Baker and Fossil. dapperQ offers suggestions for purse alternatives here. But, I’ve also created a special purse alternative Pinterest board just for you and the Everyone Is Gay Readers. Just click here to access. The board contains some of my favorite purse alternatives, such as clutches/portfolios; satchels/ messenger bags/shoulder bags; brief cases; and duffle bags. Now, it’s up to you to select the formality, style, colors, patterns, and materials you like most and that best represent your personal style. Have fun and happy styling!

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06.30.2015
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“I’m FTM trans, but I have only recently started to transition and haven’t yet had to dress up for a formal event. Prom is coming up soon and I have no idea how even to wear a suit or a tux. Help!”

- Question submitted by Anonymous and answered by Anita Dolce Vita as part of Everyone Is Gay: Second Opinions

Anita Says:

Congratulations on embarking on this challenging but exciting personal journey of self-empowerment and self-love. For many of us, clothing is an extremely powerful tool in affirming our identities, and not having the resources and support to assist in finding a style that matches who we are on the inside can be anxiety producing. But, we’re here to help!

Society puts less emphasis on masculine attire, leading most people to think that masculine clothing, especially suits, is fairly ordinary and easy to pull off. For example, most conversations about prom and wedding formalwear focus primarily on feminine attire. However, masculine formalwear is actually quite complicated and layered. So much so, in fact, that leading “menswear” magazines have published manuals with entire chapters dedicated to the art of wearing suits and tuxedos. There’s lots to learn about this art, but style experts agree that proper fit is the most important element to execute flawlessly.

But, here’s the issue with fit: Of all the elements, it’s the most difficult to achieve. The Handbook of Style: A Man’s Guide to Looking Good by Esquire Magazine writes, “Are you a ‘drop six’? If you are, you’re a suit maker’s dream: Your chest is six inches larger than your waist. You can wear anything. Sadly, most of us don’t live inside those ideal tailoring measurements.” This means that tailoring formalwear is a necessary (and sometimes expensive) evil for many. Starting out with the best fit possible will minimize the amount of tailoring, if any, you’ll require for off-the-rack suits. (You can also get a suit custom made to your exact needs.) But, you must first know the language of suits (e.g., vents, breaks, single-breasted, etc.) so that you can communicate your fit needs. dapperQ published a very helpful three-part suit manual on Autostraddle to help queer folx negotiate the world of suits. You can find the chapters here, here, and here.

Once you have a good understanding of what it is you’re looking for in terms of fit and price, the next step is to actually go out and find it. Here are some queer and queer-friendly owned formalwear retailers that dapperQ readers swear by:

Of course, if you are not a fashion head and just want to dress in “appropriate” formalwear attire, you can opt for a black suit or tuxedo and dress shoes. Boom, you’re done! But, if you are a style geek and want to stand out from the pack, add some personal touches. Now is the time to take style risks, break the rules, and get creative. Here are some ways to get your suit/tuxedo game on fleek:

  • Pair your suit/tuxedo with sneakers, high tops, or studded slippers
  • Ditch the flower boutonniere and instead rock a handmade pin, perhaps one made of metal, knit, paper or cloth
  • Add colorful, patterned socks
  • Since your jacket and pants do not necessarily have to be the same color, wear an evening jacket with non-matching pants
  • Wear a suit/tuxedo with patterns and/or bold colors, rather than just reaching for standard black, blue, white, and gray

I have created a Pinterest board to inspire some prom creativity, which you can find here. The most important accessory is confidence. Wear your suit with pride and have a great time. And, don’t forget to share your prom pictures with dapperQ at dapperQ@gmail.com

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04.21.2015
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“I’m a girl but I REALLY hate wearing dresses. They just make me feelsuper uncomfortable. On New Years Eve my mom said I had to wear a dress. I didn’twant to, I explained why and wore a button down, collared shirt and corduroy pants instead. My brother was wearing something very similar to me. My mom said that I didn’t look nice enough and said many terrible things that really hurt my feelings. When I wear something slightly boyish she tells me its not appropriate and makes me feel terrible. How do I deal with this?”

- Question submitted by Anonymous and answered by Anita Dolce Vita as part of Everyone Is Gay: Second Opinions.

Anita Says:

This sounds like a very painful experience and I am sorry that this happened to you. First and foremost, if you feel that you may be in an abusive situation or that your physical and/or emotional safety is at risk, please reach out to a trusted teacher, mentor,social worker, counselor, coach, health care provider, or other supportive adult. Your safety is of primary importance.

Having said this, parents often express unfavorable opinions about their children’sbehaviors, which may feel abusive but may not necessarily manifest in immediatedanger to anyone’s safety. All of us, including our parents, are socialized from the moment we come out of the womb to adopt social norms, many of which are rooted in harmful “-isms” and phobias. Your mother’s behavior is more a reflection of how she has been socialized into the norms of mainstream culture, rather than a reflection of your worth. As Will Smith once rapped, “Parents Just Don’t Understand.” We often feel hurt when our parents disapprove of our partners, our identities, our careers, our clothing, our friends, our weight, etc. When it comes to self-care, the key is to understand that, while validation feels good, your mother’s lack of understanding is less about you and more about her own issues. She may come around one day. She may not. Either way, you have to know your own worth. You are valuable irrespective of her criticism.

You can participate in conversations and exercises to help educate her about style and gender and to discuss how her criticism makes you feel. Qwear has a great article that includes conversation starters, such as each of you talking about your favorite outfits and commenting on why these outfits make you feel empowered. Another helpful exercise recommended by Qwear is to have your mother make a list of stereotypes of how women are “supposed to act” and then identify the ways in which she doesn’t fit those stereotypes. You can point out that, like her, you do not fit all of the stereotypes of how women are “supposed to act,” with your clothing preferences being a non-stereotypical trait that makes you special. In your conversations, you can sit with her and explore empowering queer style sites like I Dream of Dapper, Qwear and dapperQ. Show her successful female-identified “menswear” models, like Elliot Sailors, who are changing the way we look at clothing. When you talk to her about the way her criticism makes you feel, you can also refer to anti-bullying projects, such as The Dapper Chicks of New York, which uses a common love of “menswear” to address cyber-bullying. If your mother would be open to therapy, you can always look for a professional therapist who specializes in sexual orientation, gender identity, and gender expression to help facilitate conversations.

In the meantime, it is important to feel supported and I highly recommend building your own social networks that can provide you with a safe space. In addition to your local LGBTQ center and/or gay-straight alliance (if you have either of those nearby), here are some great places to start:

A Dapper Chick

Autostraddle

bklyn boihood

dapperQ

Everyone Is Gay

Hey Queer

I Dream of Dapper

PFLAG

Queer B.O.I.S.

Qwear

She’s A Gent

Tomboy Femme

I hope you find these resources helpful in your journey. Remember, keep your head up and stay dapper. You are incredible no matter what you wear!

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03.10.2015
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"I want to cut my hair short, but I am a competitive dancer and this would go against company rules. It’s getting to the point that the femininity isn’t comfortable. What less radical/ less permanent changes can I make to feel better about how I look?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous and answered by Anita Dolce Vita as part of Everyone Is Gay: Second Opinions.

Anita Says:

First off, I am terribly sorry to hear that your company’s rules do not support diversity of gender expression. Unfortunately, this type of discrimination is a common occurrence, so much so that dapperQ recently launched a new “CorporateQ” series, which explores the intersection of style, identity, and workplace gender politics. I invite you to check it out, as you may relate to many of the readers’ stories of feeling pressured to conform to normative binary gender roles in the workplace and you may also find support in how these readers dealt with said pressure. (We also invite you to submit your story to dapperQ@gmail.com, which you can do anonymously if you wish.)

That said, I understand that you prefer to have short hair. Many people, regardless of where they fall within (or outside of) the feminine-masculine gender spectrum prefer shorter cuts. However, if your goal is to achieve a masculine look via a short hair cut, I can say this: long hair does not have to be associated with femininity. Part of dismantling the normative gender binary is to challenge traditional notions about what constitutes femininity and masculinity. There are plenty of long hair style options for masculine and androgynous presenting folks. The article “Styles and Cuts for Long-Haired dapperQs” is a good source of inspiration. I have also created a Pinterest board with additional masculine/androgynous long-hair options for you, which you can find here. Included in the Pinterest board are several images of “muns” (masculine buns), a style that is all the rage right now for masculine presenting celebrities and “menswear” models, as well as some examples of how you can style long hair into a faux pompadour.

Another less permanent change you can make to achieve the look you desire is to dress in more masculine/androgynous leaning attire. For smaller impact, you can start with adding accessories such as bow-ties, suspenders, and “menswear” inspired shoes. Or, if you feel comfortable and confident doing so, you can don pant suits, button-downs, and trousers with traditionally masculine silhouettes. dapperQ has a wealth of resources, including a store guide, to help get you started on your style journey.

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01.20.2015
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"So I’m agender, and I’m going to a wedding. I need formal wear, but neither dresses nor suits work for me. I was thinking of just wearing a waistcoat over a dress shirt and pants, along with a tie, but I’m worried that it won’t be formal enough. Are there any other formal clothing options that might work, or should I just go with the possibly informal outfit and hope for the best?"

- Question asked by Anonymous and answered by Anita Dolce Vita as a part of Everyone Is Gay: Second Opinions.

Anita Says:

Your question really hits home for me because my partner is currently in the same boat as you. While she identifies as female, she presents as androgynous. (Gender identity and gender expression are two different concepts. They can be related, but do not have to be.) She is filled with dread whenever we get an invitation to a wedding, graduation, or any other event that calls for formal attire because, like you, she does not want to wear a dress, but also feels that suits are too masculine. Conversely, I get super excited for formal events because I love dressing up and I can never turn down a good excuse to shop for a new dress. While I’m happily pursuing stores in search of the perfect dresses and stilettos and chandelier earrings, my partner is following me around, depressed that she cannot find anything to wear. Sometimes, she gets so stressed that it takes the joy out of attending formal events for both of us, because I feel sad and worried when she’s unhappy at the event and the days leading up to it.

Recently, she and I have been throwing around the idea of having a commitment ceremony. Once again, the issue of what she could wear reared its ugly head; It is truly frustrating that clothing options are so limited, narrow, and binary!!! She and another reader inspired me to write a piece on androgynous wedding attirefor dapperQ. This piece may be a good starting point for you. But, as I mentioned to the reader who submitted a similar question, providing individualized wedding attire recommendations is a bit challenging without knowing the general theme of the wedding (colors, setting, flowers, etc.), the level of formality (black-tie, casual, etc.), location (outdoor, indoor, beach, ballroom, city, country, etc.), season (winter, summer, etc.), and your personal style (preppy, street Goth, hipster, etc.) I’m going to give you a few options based on style. I’ve also created a Pinterest mood board to give you a ballpark visual idea of these recommendations, as well as some pattern, color, and texture inspiration.

Preppy

You mentioned you were going to wear a vest. However, in my opinion, a good blazer or sport coat can be just as formal and gender-neutral as a vest. (Check out dapperQ’s post on the difference between a sport coat, blazer, and suit jacket.) The typical preppy uniform might look something like a button-down shirt under a navy blazer, paired with tan dress trousers and brown dress loafers. But, you can infuse your own personal style in this traditional, preppy template by adding unexpected touches. For example, if you’re comfortable going bold, wear a button-down with a unique pattern or interesting color, like plaid or hot pink, under your navy blazer. Additionally, instead of wearing a necktie or bow-tie, I recommend affixing an eye catching brooch or collar bar where your collar buttons at the top-center of your shirt. An anchor brooch could really drive home a preppy, nautical theme.

Heritage

There is much debate about what exactly constitutes heritage style (think tweed, corduroy, patterned knits), but the aesthetic is definitely popular now and one you can use as inspiration if you want to stick with a vest rather than wearing a jacket. Opt for a herringbone vest and, as I suggested above, let interesting patterns and colors tell your style story. I personally really like the combination of tweed vests and red or burgundy colored dress trousers. You can go sans tie and add some cool accessories like a vest pocket chain/watch, collar chain (antler collar chains are a fun option for a heritage ensemble), or a stylish lapel pin. Oh, and socks! Don’t forget that you can get a lot of style mileage out of a good pair of patterned socks.

High Fashion

Musicians, artists, and cool hunters can be pretty good at bucking classic styles. If you are bold, fashion-forward, and like to draw outside the lines, you can get really creative. How about a black blazer or vest paired with a leopard print button-down, teal trousers, a collar chain, a homemade lapel pin, and studded dress shoes? Or, go all out power-clashing in a long, tailored black vest, a pair of plaid dress pants, and a polka-dot or stripped button-down? After all, it’s a wedding…not a funeral.

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11.4.2014
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