, , , , , , ,

"I live in a secluded town in the middle of nowhere full of close-minded and overly christian people along with rednecks. My parents are unaware of me and keep me so under lock and key that I go nuts sometimes. I've fallen for 3 guys and fallen completely in love with 1, though I was never "with" any of them. After finding out that the most recent "guy of my dreams" was a homophobe and listening to him rant about how gays should commit suicide, I feel heartbroken and reckless. I feel empty, and alone. I don't know what advice I'm looking for and day by day I feel more disgusted with myself..."

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Sometimes, when I read questions like this, I feel at a complete loss for words. There is no way I can feel okay telling you to wait it out, it gets better, don’t worry so much, it’ll be fine, people you don’t know love and support you… But honestly, anonymous, at times, I feel that’s all we have.

What you’re going through right now is tough, you’re alone, you’re scared, you feel stupid, you feel wrong, you feel like there is nothing good in the world. I get that. I can’t possibly put myself in your position right now, and neither can anyone else.

HOWEVER, I want you to know there is ALWAYS someone to talk to. There are over 7 thousand kids on the everyoneisgay facebook page that talk to each other every day. I know the internet isn’t the best possible solution, but it’s something and it’s powerful. 30 years ago it wouldn’t be possible. 30 years ago, the only solution was to move to San Francisco, and even then you were at risk.

I want to encourage you to not let this eat away at everything you’re living for. You’re an amazing human being and there is more to you than just being gay. One day you will be able to leave the place that makes you feel like shit, and you will be able to live where you love, do what you love, love who you love and do all the things you dreamed you would never be able to do bc you were stuck. You are stuck now, you are NOT stuck forever. I would like you to look forward to the future and use every day to build the future you want.

I have a feeling you have no idea how important you are. You are so important. We will all get our hearts broken and we will all feel not good enough and we will all feel invisible. You are amazing and beautiful and important. Live for yourself and no one else. Work hard to be happy now and pretty soon, it won’t be work anymore.

Also, this song, “Blue Skies,” by Noah and the Whale makes me feel better when I’m really sad. It’s a pretty sad song, but it makes me feel less alone and more hopeful.

Kristin Says:

I want to tell you something about heartbroken and reckless, Anonymous. They are two emotions that are all consuming and that make the insides of your body feel on fire and completely dead inside, all at the same time. When you have no one around you who will listen to your words, or who will see you for who you really are, doing anything useful with those feelings is so, so fucking hard. I understand those feelings, and like Dannielle said, I can never experience exactly what you are feeling…but I can tell you that I know how dark life can get, and how hopeless everything can feel. I am so, so sorry that you are carrying those feelings with you right now.

The reason you feel disgusted with yourself is because you are surrounded by people who have made you believe that you are disgusting. The first thing I would do is either blast the music in your room really loud when your parents aren’t home, or take a walk where no one can hear you, and scream to the top of your fucking lungs. Scream it all out into the emptiness: Fuck you to the boys who are ignorant and cruel, fuck you to your parents for not giving you the room you need to grow, fuck you to the town that breeds close-mindedness and makes you feel so secluded. SCREAM AND CRY AS LOUD AS YOU CAN. You deserve that release.

The next thing I want you to do is to think about something that you could do to help shift this experience into something that might be positive for others, and positive for yourself. Write an entry once a week on an anonymous tumblr that describes the hate you are seeing in the most detail you can muster…someone else might be able to see those words someday and feel a little less alone. Take photos of your town the way that you see it, through the seasons, and post those as well. Decide to discover something like the history of punk music, and fill the empty spaces with new music and documentaries and books and records…become an expert in something that makes you feel bigger than just a boy in a small town.

If you can, use your heartbreak and recklessness to shape new knowledge and new direction. Join forces on the internet if you can’t join forces in your community, and put your efforts toward making change – both for yourself and for everyone else who is out there being made to feel like they are less than.

You are bigger than just a boy in a small town.

We all need someone to help us see how fucking big we can be sometimes, so I hope this helps.

Please, keep breathing.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *