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"My dad is really homophobic and says queer boys are bad but queer girls are okay because they’re hot. I’m struggling with whether to come out or not as bisexual because of him. I don’t want to come out because I don’t want my dad to see me as hot plz respond"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

OH GOD. I HATE THIS. For so many reasons. First of all, saying queer boys are bad and queer girls are hot makes me cringe. Second of all, he’s creating an environment in which NO HUMAN WOULD FEEL COMFORTABLE COMING OUT.

If I were you I’d not-come-out-come-out. Hopefully you automatically understand what I mean and I don’t have to explain. Good luck! BYE!


What I mean by that is: I’d say “Here’s the thing, saying that makes me sort of uncomfortable because I feel like if I had a queer male friend you’d hate him / think he’s gross and then also if I were queer you’d think it was okay only because it’s ‘hot,’ and not because you think love is love and/or you are respectful of meORMYFRIENDS identities” … It’s kind of a mouthful (thatswhatshesaidOHGODIMSORRY), but it expresses what (i think) is a big part of the issue. It’s like, not about “queer girls are hot” as much as it is about that being THE ONLY thing, you know? There’s no respect or understanding or support, it’s just like “I’ll deal with it bc I like boobs and that’s extra boobs..”  Which is hella troubling.

It’s a much larger conversation, and I think if you have it in you, you should try to talk to him about it, or at least let him know what it makes you uncomfortable (on a larger scale). It sounds to me like he’s spouting a bunch of half-hearted feelings and not considering the feels of those around him, at ALL. Hopefully a little dialogue will help him become more understanding and open.

Kristin Says:

Ooph. This is a toughie. First of all, I don’t understand why your dad would want to share with you that he thinks ‘queer girls are hot’ in the first place. What does that even do? What is the point in even sharing that sort of thing with your kid? However, I can’t figure out the motives and reasons behind all the things that come out of your dad’s mouth, so I am just going to work with the facts at hand.

It’s totally fucked up to base your judgement of other human beings based on what gives you a personal boner. I am so sorry that I am now referencing your dad’s boner. This is going horribly. Let me try again.

Your dad is basically saying that anything that he PERSONALLY likes to look at is MORALLY or SOCIETALLY okay. Which makes him some kind of god-like figure who can point his finger willy-nilly at human beings and decide what is ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ based on how they make his insides feel. I am saying all of this because this is core of the discussion I would have with him, in your own words. If he says, “I like women together so that’s fine,” I would say something like, “I think that the identities of other human beings don’t get to be cast aside based on just what you like to personally think about, Dad.” Let him chew on that for a hot minute, you know?

Onto the next point: your dad has made you TOTALLY uncomfortable coming out to him because he has boiled your entire identity down to a sex act and, as you well know, your identity is way more complex than that. So, perhaps that is your second point of conversation. “Hey, Dad, you know there is a lot more to being queer than just people having sex, and I don’t know why you would reduce someone’s entire identity to one tiny thing.”

These little nuggets are good ways to start cracking open that ignorance that your dad is spouting before navigating into personal territory.

Which, brings me to my last point: your dad’s view of his daughter. I can’t promise you anything, but I have a pretty good idea that his tiny little bucket of girl-on-girl images is going to get turned on it’s motherfucking head when one of those girls happens to be someone he knows and loves, and not just a body. The likelihood is much more that, rather than thinking you are ‘just another hot queer woman,’ your dad is going to go through a serious process that undoes a lot of that fantasy-space in his head. AND WELL HE SHOULD, IT’S TOTALLY NOT COOL TO REDUCE HUMAN BEINGS TO SEX ACTS, YALL.

Do these things on your own time. Don’t feel you have to come out to him before your ready, or ever, for that matter. I would take small steps with conversations and just follow your heart. When we know someone close to us who comes out as LGBTQ, it has a way of changing perspectives enormously.

Good luck, and sorry about all that nonsense you have to sift through.


Everyone Is Gay has started a new project to help parents who have LGBTQ kids: Check out The Parents Project!


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