"Hi so I am a lesbian who is still mostly in the closet I am just not ready to come out just yet but there is a guy in my class who has a big crush on me. I don't like him at all but I don't want to be rude he keep's asking me out on date's and I keep saying no. How can I get the message to him nicely that it's nothing personal I just don't like him without coming out as gay?"
-Question Submitted by Anonymous
HOW ABOUT DON’T GET THE MESSAGE TO HIM NICELY ANYMORE, HUH?!
Oooooooooh, Anonymous, I am sorry for yelling, but your question fired up all of my feminist gears and pistons and engines and superpowers and whatever else comes in this box labeled “Feminist Powers, Open With Care.” Let’s just take a moment to go over what you said here:
– A boy asked you out on a date
– You politely said no
– A boy asked you out on a date again
– You politely said no
– A boy. Asked you out. On a date. AGAIN.
Now, and I understand where you are coming from, I DO, you are asking how else to fucking politely say no again but GUESS WHAT… this boy isn’t getting the message. Guess what else? Your sexuality doesn’t need to have anything to do with this exchange, because who you choose to go out with isn’t anyone’s business but your own.
I am mad, Anonymous, not because of this one boy in your class who has a crush and who might just reaaallly think that you saying “no,” means “maybe.” However, read that last sentence again and you’ll get where this kind of behavior is super fucking dangerous. When people think “no” means “maybe,” other people – and especially women – are put in really shitty, dangerous, fucked up situations. This boy in your class, and lots of other boys (and other people, not just boys!) need to be taught to listen to what others say, and not assume that they know what others might want despite what they say.
Does this mean you have to walk into class, open up your own box of feminist-power and smash this boy over the head with it?? You certainly CAN, but that isn’t the only solution here.
If I were you, the first step I’d take would be to speak directly and clearly (which is still polite!), letting this boy know that I’d like him to stop asking me out. I’d say something like, “Listen. I don’t want to go out on a date with you, and I would appreciate it if you didn’t as me any more. It’s important to me that we have the ability to be friends, and the more you ask, the less that becomes possible!”
Now, you’ve drawn your line. Clearly.
If this boy asks you out again after you say these words to him, I don’t know that he even deserves an answer, and that much is up to you. If you’re feeling it as much as I am feeling it though, turn to him and say, “I didn’t have interest in going on a date in the first place, but I can tell you very clearly that I would never, ever want to date a person who doesn’t trust the words that I share with them. I’ve repeatedly told you I wasn’t interested in dating you, and I also tried to be polite. You have disrespected me by ignoring what I’ve said and what I’ve asked for, and I think that if you are looking to date anyone in the future, you should really think about being more respectful to start with. THANK YOU AND GOOD DAY, SIR.”
Then, blast a Beyonce song in your mind and go back to your work.
*flips all the furniture in the room*