advice, crush, everyone is gay, friends, friendships, kristin russo, lgbt, lgbt advice, relationships
“How do you distinguish friend feelings from romantic feelings?”
Question Submitted by Anonymous
Kristin Says:
HELL IF I KNOW.
It’s like, sometimes you meet a human and you’re like, ‘They seem cool, maybe I will see them around some time,’ but then other times you meet a human and you’re like ‘OMG STOP STOP WHY ARE THEY SO COOL I WANT TO TALK TO THEM ALL THE TIME DO YOU THINK THEY WILL HANG OUT WITH ME EVERY DAY ALL DAY?!’ and then still other times you meet a human and you’re like, ‘Must. Mash. My face. On. Their face. Now now now must mash faces.’
Simply put: sometimes you wanna be friends, sometimes you wanna make out, and sometimes there’s this spot that’s neither here nor there where you’re like crushing on them so hard but you’re also like what does it all mean do I want to cuddle with them or bone them or talk all night with them or just like get a photobooth photo with them and call it a day?
And what’s so messed up about ALL OF THIS, is that there shouldn’t have to be rules that demarcate what makes a friend a friend and a romance a romance and a bone a bone. I don’t think having sex with someone creates a deeper connection than cuddling with a person or sharing your deepest darkest secrets while eating ice cream together and watching bad movies. All of those things make us feel vulnerable in different (and important) ways, and create important and meaningful bonds.
So what I think is that you should hang out with this human as much as you want to hang out with this human, and have fun with them and maybe feel those loopy feelings where you’re like OH COOL YOU CAN HANG OUT AGAIN TOMORROW OH GOD WHY AM I SO HAPPY ABOUT THAT AH AH AHHHHH and then you just see where things go. For a long time I thought that having those loopy feelings meant I also must want to make out or bone or whatever, but I don’t feel that way anymore. I think that this world has done a bang-up job of consistently teaching us to understand our feelings on a binary, and I am so fucking over binaries!
It isn’t friend or romance, it isn’t gay or straight, it isn’t boy or girl. We have different relationships with different humans over the course of time and if you are SO INTO THIS PERSON, why figure out what it all means? It means you found another human who you connect with, and that is fucking incredible. It is such an amazing thing when we meet people who make us laugh, who understand us before we even explain ourselves, who listen to us, and whose company makes us feel FUCKING AWESOME.
I think this person can be a million different things, and only time and an open mind can really tell you what it all means. Oh, and bonus prize! It might mean they are a BFF today and a romance tomorrow and in forty years you decide they make a good bone-buddy. WHO. KNOWS.
Dannielle Says:
IT IS A RARE CASE THAT KRISTIN AND I DISAGREE BUT THE SEAS HAVE SPLIT AND IT HAS HAPPENED.
I don’t think of sex, romance, and friendships the same way, at all. In fact, I think it’s complicated to compare sex and telling secrets. Not only because sex feels very personal and intimate to me, in a way that I don’t want to share with my friends. But also because sex represents different shit to different people. What could be a nothing hook up to you could be a world shattering experience for the other human. WHICH IS WHY communication is so important. You should never expect that someone feels the same way as you do about anything, especially something so intimate and personal. It might not be intimate and personal for everyonnneee, but you can’t assume someone’s feelings, only they know!
The dopest thing about your position is that all of the greatest relationships I know started as a deep-as-fuck friendship. If you’re totally unsure, just spend some time with the person and treat them as if you’re trying to be a new best friend. BECAUSE WHO KNOWS, maybe it is a romance crush and maybe it is a friend crush. The only way you’ll know is by figuring it out by spending time with them!
If you go full force, immediately ask them to date, get romantic for three months and it doesn’t work out. They will probs slowly disappear into the ether and you’ll be like ‘oh yea i dated that human once for three months lol we still follow each other on instagram, and they don’t have a septum piercing anymore.” HOWEVER, if you go full friend force, take it slow, treat it like a friend crush, get to know each other so GD well you can’t even believe it, one of two things will happen, either (1) you will stay best fuckin’ friends forever or (2) that friendship will blossom into a love you never expected. You’ll be legitimately swept off your feet every day because you’re deeply in love with someone that you know everything about. You’ve already farted in front of each other, you’ve already talked about your sex fantasies, you already know their morals are in line with yours, and you already know their favorite candy… It’s honestly the best thing in the world.
AND THEN ANONYMOUS, if you date and it doesn’t work, 3 years later you will be back on the friend track and the two of you will be like ‘THANK GOD WE ARE FRIENDS AGAIN’ bc nothing can stop a best friendship.
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There was this one girl who I started to become really close friends with, and I really liked her and wanted to get closer to her. I thought she was the coolest, and I got excited every time she’d invite me to anything. This was before I knew I was gay, but I was very much questioning. Then she came out as pansexual, and I didn’t know why I was so happy. One day in sports class, we were both walking around at the back of the field, and she held my hand. It felt amazing, and I realised my giant crush. We started low-key flirting and then I would hold her hand and she kissed me on the cheek and everything was so amazing, but I still wasn’t out and we still called it friendship. I was so excited that I actually had a shot. This was going to be my first girlfriend. Everything was turning out so well. It seemed too good to be true… and it obviously was.
When we went to the school camp that year, she started to snap at me and our friends (she was in the same friend group as me). She would spend more time talking to other people, and then when she’d finally talk to us she was being rude. She wasn’t being herself. When we got back it was school holidays, and she wouldn’t reply to any texts or anything. I’m talking to the level of not communicating with any of us in any way. She was invited to a party and just didn’t show up, with no explanation. When school started again, she wouldn’t even make small talk. She completely and utterly cut me out of her life. That was only a few months ago, and I’m still really upset. I see her every day at school, being the same person she was to me, but to other people.
Time heals all wounds, I’ll get over her some day *sigh* ;-;