“So I’ve been seeing this girl for about six weeks and I think soon we’re going to get all up on each other, but it’s been a long time since I’ve gotten intimate with someone and I’m really scared I’ll have forgotten what to do or how to communicate during or that I just can’t be sexy anymore. Do you have advice on how to deal with that pre-pants-party anxiety?”
Question Submitted by Anonymous
PRE. PANTS. PARTY. ANXIETY.
Okay, listen. This anxiety has happened to me every time I was about to bang someone new and the amt of time between me sleeping with two people was anywhere from 1 week to a year. I HAVE EVERY SINGLE EXPERIENCE. I’ll have you know it doesn’t actually matter and it’s always scary.
The best bone session I’ve ever had was / is with my current bae and the reason was / is because we talk about EVERYTHING. Every. Single. Thing. I was nervous, I told her. She wanted to try something cool, she told me. I wanted something a certain way, I told her. We wanted do something that was maybe difficult, we talked. That’s how it started and that’s how it continues. If you start out honest, you will always have the best sex.
And maybe it won’t be perfect every single time, but it’ll be so dope when you can just say, “that was cool, I think my favorite part was when you touched my butt a little.” Rather than sit back and just hope they figure it out if you trick them by breathing differently once they get sort of close to what you like… that shit is too difficult to try and keep up with.
It’s also super easy to be the person who starts the honesty. All you gotta say is, “I haven’t had intercourse in 7 months, and I wanna hump you super right, so I’m gonna ask questions to make sure that happens, cool?” And they will be on board. Think about it, anyone on the earth who wants to be humped is gonna be down with their hump partner learning to hump them correctly… you know what i mean?!?!
You can ask them about fantasies, or if they prefer oral or handsy, or if they like toys, or if they want it slow or fast, do they like to jump into humping or would they rather be kissed all over for an hour. Tell them what you’re into. Ask them if they’re into the same things.
Worse case scenario – they think all the sex stuff you wanna do is weird and they’re not open to talking, and they don’t want to try anything. IN WHICH CASE, they are not the right sex person for you, so it’s good that you know that in advance!
“I wanna hump you super right” – Dannielle Owens-Reid, lady killer
I agree with everything up there because talking about what you like is always helpful, but I also want to add one important thing:
Fumbling is always, always okay. As in, mayyybe you told yourself you were going to follow Dannielle’s advice but then you panicked at the last moment and didn’t say what you wanted and just dove right in and then shit was so sexy until her pants got stuck around her ankles and while you were trying to tug them off you hit her head on the wall and then her cat started puking in the other room. MAYBE SOMETHING LIKE THAT HAPPENED. You know? You know.
What I mean to tell you is that your first sexytime is probably going to be the BEST, but even if it isn’t the best… that is okay. Sex can sometimes just be hilarious and ridiculous as your figure each other out (and honestly even way after you figure each other out). Laughing and being open to fumbles of all shapes and sizes makes any sexy experience so much more real, and so much more awesome.
Remember that you aren’t after a movie-scene. You are after connecting with someone and trying to make them feel good while you also feel good, and laughing and talking and fumbling are all part of that experience. Plus, now every time her cat pukes you’ll look at each other with heart eyes and be like ‘awwwww remember the first time…’
You’ve. Got. This.