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"Me and my girlfriend fight constantly. And by constantly I mean 6 of the 7 days a week. She keeps telling me it’s normal and that we’ll get through it. (As this is my first relationship-I’m 21-I don’t really know the norm of there is one) anyway, I’m a little lost as to what to do. Should being with someone be this hard?"

-Question submitted by onetwo4u

Dannielle Says:

I was totally in a relationship like this once. It was so weird for because I don’t fight. It’s not WITHIN me to fight a lot. I get over stuff pretty easily, not much upsets me, and i have a pretty great ability to see both sides of a situation. I like to talk things out, I like to figure out compromise, and I don’t mind admitting i’m wrong (but also i’m never wrong).

HOWEVER, everyone is not like me. The girl I dated liked to fight. She’d grown up with parents who fought constantly, and that was the only way the two of them could figure their shit out. That is what she was used to and i guess that’s fine!? It wasn’t something I could deal with and ultimately we didn’t last. BUT I THINK that we all different human beings and we all work things out in a way that works for us. If this doesn’t work for you, it doesn’t and that’s all there is to it. Chances are if it isn’t working for you, it isn’t working for her.

I have friends who fight all the time and every single time they fight I can literally see them growing closer and getting stronger as a couple. When I was fighting all the time, I felt weak, worthless, and stupid. It’s all about you, your feels and your relationship. If it isn’t what you want, it isn’t what you want and that is totally okay.

Kristin Says:

I think that your question contains your answer. I read you saying, “I don’t feel good about this. I don’t want it to be like this. I disagree with my girlfriend, and I don’t want to fight this much anymore.” You are sick of fighting, and you don’t think that your fights are a productive means of becoming healthier as a couple. So, listen to your own answer: you are fighting too much, it is unhealthy, and you should probably consider either a) finding alternative ways to handle the things that are making you fight (if that is at all possible) or b) what it would look like to leave the relationship and seek out someone who you are more compatible with.

Some people are talkers, fighters, screamers… I happen to be one of them. I don’t mind a good fight or a good cry, and I do think that a lot can be gained from a little verbal sbarring and maybe even a door slam here and there. The thing about fighting, though, is that it should never, ever be the central point of your relationship. If the first thing that comes to your mind when you think about your boo is “we fight a lot,” THAT AIN’T GOOD.

Hold your ground and talk to your girlfriend about this issue. Tell her you need to look at the reasons why you are fighting and see if there is a way around them. Work hard, and work together, at talking through things, finding patience, and giving space in the moments when you want to break all the dishes. See if you are able to work toward a place where fighting happens less. If, in a month, things are exactly where they are today… you should probably get out of the relationship. There is no “norm” in terms of the behavior within relationships, because we are all very different people — but there is one thing that should always be consistent: you should be happy much, much more than you are upset, even while you are working toward being healthier and happier people.


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