Community + Activism / Inter-Community Nonsense

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"Hi there, I’m a tomboy that happens to like other tomboys. My friends tell me a relaysh between two butch ladies isn’t going to work so I better give up and not flirt with them. Though I don’t think this is true ( love is love and things like that) It makes me very self conscious and insecure. What’s your lovely lass opinion on this?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Your friends don’t know anything.

Kristin Says:


*clears throat*

Might I ask why a relationship between two “butch ladies” wouldn’t work? Is it because there would be too many power drills in the house? Is it because no one would wear an apron in the kitchen and cook the other breakfast? Is it because the horror of two short haircuts in love would be too much for the world to bear?

Oh, right… those are stereotypes of “masculine” behavior. Oh, right… appearance doesn’t align with stereotypes of behavior. OH, RIGHT… YOUR FRIENDS MAKE NO SENSE.

You guys. We are people. Some of us have short hair and like to wear pants. Some of us have long hair and like to wear dresses. Some of us like to wear some of the things some of the time and others at other times. Most people do not hinge their attractions on the boy/girl pairings that we see reflected in the media. I know several “butch ladies” who are attracted to and date other “butch ladies,” and I know many other combinations of humans that are varied, beautiful, and perfect.

All different kinds of people like all different kinds of people in all different kinds of ways.

Listen to us. Don’t listen to your friends.
They don’t know anything.


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"How do I deal with racist LGBT members? I feel like its not talked about enough, but there are a lot of racist undertones in gay movies, clubs/parties, and more. It becomes a little too much when you see a group of white gays try to “channel” sassy black women. I’ve even been cast out of groups because of my skin color. Marginalized groups discriminating against other people is an example of pure hypocrisy."

- Question submitted by youdefineyourownbeauty and answered by Kai Davis as a part of Everyone Is Gay: Second Opinions

Kai Says:

Firstly I feel that it is necessary to discard the idea that white gay people are that much different than white people in general. Racism is going to manifest amongst a dominant culture and being marginalized in one aspect of one’s life does not negate his or her privilege in another. The only difference with racism in the queer community is how it reveals itself, which I think you touched on in your question.

Dealing with and confronting racists is an extremely difficult task for a person of color. It is often nearly impossible to affect change because their racism is both a weapon and a shield. They will refuse to listen to you because of your color. You will automatically be seen as militant, combative, or even plain stupid. Because of this shield, there is no introspection, there is no dialogue, and there is no change. I still haven’t found a way to deal with that issue. It can become extremely frustrating to know that your feelings and the feelings of all people of color are valid and you still have that validity denied.

As people of color, we often try to make our opinions palatable for white people. I don’t think you should do that. Oppression has subdued us enough and I don’t think our liberation will come from that same silence. Almost all of the knowledge and information that is readily accessible has been filtered through the white worldview. Yes, that means that even much of the race theory we study in high school and college is watered down so that it can be easily digested. And based on what you’ve mentioned in your question, it hasn’t helped race relations much, even amongst marginalized groups.

Confrontation, aggressiveness, and assertiveness might chip away at the iceberg and it might not. The bigger fight is not allowing yourself to be silenced. People don’t like being called racists, because then they must acknowledge it, and when they acknowledge it they are expected to change their actions, thereby disrupting the status quo. The disruption of the status quo is the last thing a person in power wants to do. Backlash is inevitable when it comes to confronting bigots, but you are not here to make them comfortable. Confront them in a way that placates your soul. Confront them in a way that liberates your heart because even if they haven’t changed for the better, you have.


Click through to read more about Kai and our other Second Opinions panelists!


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"I’m fine with being gay, but I am also effeminate - my voice, my mannerisms, even the way I walk. People from within the gay community have told me that ‘I’m just making it harder for everyone else to be accepted,’ and people at school have been super accepting, but they still make fun of me for being girly. I am at the point where I don’t even want to raise my hand in class. I’m fine with being gay, but this is horrible. What do I do?"

- Question submitted by Ubuntu

Dannielle Says:

This is so many messed up things all in one.

First, the fact that anyone in the gay community is telling you not to be yourself because you’re making them look bad? FUCK. THAT. Nothing pisses me off more than ANYONE from ANYWHERE like EVER saying “stop being you, it’s making me look bad” … i’M SORRY WHAT? HOW ABOUT YOU FOCUS ON YOU AND I WILL FOCUS ON ME. ugh.

I want to move to your school friends for a second. Chances are, they think that making joke comments about the way you act / talk will show you just how comfortable. We all, at one point or another, make jokes to prove that we’re totally cool with whatever is going on.. I remember having a friend in college who was a gay man and he would make comments about how I was being “so dykey” AND I WAS SO UNCOMFORTABLE. I didn’t have the wherewithall to say something, but if I were me now, I’d literally just be like, “listen, i know you don’t mean anything negative by saying that, but it makes me feel really weird for some reason and it would mean the world to me if you could make fun of my love for popstars or something instead.”

If your schoolmates are cool with you, they’re cool with you. It doesn’t sound like they’re trying to hurt you, it sounds like they’re trying to be funny and failing. SOOOOO… Just say something, don’t make them feel super shitty or anything, just let them know in a gentle and nice way, they’ll come around.

Kristin Says:

This question makes me want to flip all of the tables in my house over. I only have a kitchen table and a coffee table, so it wouldn’t be quite as dramatic as it sounds… BUT YOU GET MY POINT.

First of all: bullying is bullying is bullying (is being shitty is being mean is being inconsiderate is making people feel othered is deciding what is normal) is bullying is bullying. If you are out there and you think you are just ‘playing around’ with someone by pointing out things that you find to be ‘different’ from other people, hold on just a second and reflect on what you are doing. Do you know that the person you are joking around with is actually enjoying those jokes as well? Are you saying those jokes in front of other people who may not completely understand your sarcasm? Where does your sarcasm even come from, and is that a thing you want to emphasize in this world? These are important things for ALL of us to think about.

Second of all: If you have ever told someone else to not be themselves, to not express themselves, or to hide any piece or part of themselves because you were worried about your own reputation or the reputation of a community: shame on you. This fight, our fight, is about acceptance. That DOES NOT MEAN acceptance of things that still ‘seem normal,’ and it DOES NOT MEAN proving that ‘we’ can be just like ‘them.’ Don’t try to prove your sameness. Be yourself, and demand acceptance. Let others be themselves, and demand that they, too, be accepted.

Third: my advice (sorry for ranting). Regarding other LGBTQ people who knock you, I would advise you to speak some of those words I spoke above. Tell them they are fighting against themselves, and that you are always going to be you. If they don’t understand that, find the people who do — we are out here and we are plentiful. Regarding your schoolmates, I think it would be a really good move to pull a few of the people you trust the most aside and explain how you are feeling. Ask them to act as your ambassadors, so that you aren’t left with explaining everything to everyone. Tell those few, and, since you have been met with a certain level of acceptance already, see if that conversation can spread its wings and alert the others to the fact that their words are hurtful.

I understand why you would be afraid to raise your hand. Know, at the very least, that there are thousands of people reading this right now who would never say those hurtful words, and fight every day so that you can be you without having to feel those awful feelings.