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"My girlf and I share a teeny apartment, so when I’m at school she gets alone time and when she’s at school I get alone time. She hates her program though and is changing paths so she is skipping a lot (still very high grades). I need my alone time, I’m really introverted and need it. How can I help her get that her going to school saves my sanity?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

This can only be solved by HONESTY and a possibly uncomfortable conversation. I mean, every time I’ve been in a relationship I’ve been very open from the beginning about my need for alone time. I hate being in a situation where a few months pass and then I’m like “hey I’m just gonna hang by myself tonight” and the human is all “you don’t like me” … or whatever happens. I HAVE A BAD MEMORY SORRY.

It doesn’t have to be that big of a deal, because it’s a small thing that is completely understandable. First of all, getting no alone time means there is never a time where you’re missing one another OR where you’re wondering what your other half is up to OR you’re making a plan to see one another, etc.

Alone time is so important, it helps you check in with YOU. Having time to yourself allows you to understand how you’re feeling, Time alone allows you to acknowledge the goings-on in your life that you spend most time avoiding. Alone time is necessary. I think it’s an easy enough thing to explain to your boo. Just tell her the truth, you love her and you love spending time with her. Being alone isn’t about being without her, it’s about being with just you. It’s not like you’re saying “I want to hang out with ANYONE BESIDES YOU.” Ya know? Just be very clear about what you mean and maybe the two of you can come up with a schedule so you know for a fact you will have a certain number of hours per day or week that are just for you.

Kristin Says:

Totally. This is one of those things that FEELS like a huge issue but in reality, it’s just you having totally normal needs and navigating how best to communicate them with your lover.

I said ‘lover’ there to spice up the post / gross most of you out. Fun, right?

So, like Dannielle has suggested, all you need to do is a) reassure yourself that your needs are valid and not a reflection on your lack of interest in your lover (lol), and b) communicate those needs with that confidence, because this will give your lover (lol) more ability to trust in what you are saying. Does that make sense?

Also, this isn’t about her needing to go to school or anything like that — and that is an important piece of this puzzle: don’t allow your needs to intersect her specific choices. Meaning, instead of saying, “I really think it would be best if you went to school more,” you’d say, “I know you aren’t going to class as much, but maybe there is something we can do so we still get that time apart.” You will, of course, also add in all the ways in which you love and care for her, and that you feel that time apart really strengthens your time together, etc etc.

So, in a whole bunch of words we’ve told you that the path forward is in talking about it honestly, dealing with a possible hiccup of hurt feelings (followed by patient reassurance), and moving forward together so your lover (lol) can skip class when she needs, but you still both get the time apart that helps keep you strong.

*flexy muscle emoji*


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