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"I need constant reassurance. When I text my gf a few times and she doesn’t text back I get scared that she’s mad, even though we’ve been together for almost a year and rarely fight. I worry that I’m becoming a doormat or I’m not good enough with sexy things or she’s grossed out when I fart in my sleep. Our relationship is as close to perfect as you can get, why can’t I kill the insecurity?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

I think you should say all of your thoughts out loud. Thinking things and saying them are two totally different ball parks (sorry guys, i couldn’t think of what two different things they were, i went with ball parks…)

FOR EXAMPLE:

If you are thinking: ugh, she hasn’t texted me back, i wonder if she doesn’t want to be with me anymore and now i’m just annoying her…

Take that thought and say it out loud.
“I’m afraid my girlfriend doesn’t want to be with me anymore”
ok, why?
“Because she hasn’t texted me back and I texted her six minutes ago”
what is she doing right now?
“nothing, she’s just at her apartment…”
oh…word…so there’s no chance she got busy
“I mean, yea she’s probably just busy, but she was texting me and all of a sudden stopped”
so, she’s breaking up with you…she couldn’t be like.. pooping or on the phone with her mom, or making a grilled cheese or anything? She wants to break up with you?
“…i guess that is kind of silly”

I imagine that’s how almost every conversation with yourself will go. Talk to yourself about it. We all get a little insecure sometimes and that’s fine, the more aware you are of why you think the things you’re thinking, the more likely it is that you will overcome those insecurities. If all else fails, continue being insecure, but be okay with it and remember that your tiny flip outs will not ruin your relationship. Like Mates of State says, “Just remember that we all make mistakes and no one big slip up makes it all go away.”

Kristin Says:

I love love love the having a conversation with yourself idea. High five for Dannielle ////,

Let me start by saying that this feeling you are having is a feeling I have had in almost every relationship in my history of relationships. I, too, struggle with insecurity – and almost all of it is completely unfounded. I am the person whose girlfriend will be making grilled cheese while I convince myself that they don’t love me anymore…

I have found that, even without a conversation with myself, taking a few moments with that insecurity before acting on it can be suuuuuper helpful. Instead of being like, “OMG IT’S BEEN A FUCKING HOUR WHAT THE FUCK,” and texting her or calling her to be like, “THIS IS NOT WHAT LOVE IS WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS,” you should stop and breathe. Take a walk around the block. Call your mom. Bake some cookies. If you still haven’t heard from her and you still feel like the world is ending, then take another deep breath so that your text reads, “Hey, I’m feeling a little low and insecure. Can you text me when you get a minute?” instead of “FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU.”

Part One is taking time with your insecurity, exploring it, and trying to breathe through it. Part Two is accepting that insecurity when you cannot make it go away, so that you can approach your girlfriend by asking for help, instead of by telling her she is the worst.

Also, everyone farts in their sleep.

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