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“This past year I’ve had a run of hard things. My friends have been super supportive, but I can tell they’re getting drained and I hate feeling needy. What do you do when you still need extra support but you feel like you’ve exhausted your support system?”

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Kate Scelsa Says:

Let me just say right off the bat that man oh man I have BEEN THERE. There is nothing worse than needing help and on top of that feeling guilty about needing that help and then beating yourself up about feeling guilty and then not being able to just have nice, relaxing time with your friends (which could potentially really help) because you’re too busy being a bundle of “how can I make myself feel worse about this entire situation???”

The very very short answer to your question is, simply, therapy. A therapist’s job is to be a person who is not your friend who listens to anything you need to talk about, and supports you in working through what you need to work through. And because it is this person’s JOB to do this, you are released completely from feeling like a burden to them.

If you can afford therapy, if you have insurance that covers therapy, or if you have access to free or subsidized therapy (at school, at a community center, as part of a support group) TRY IT. It might take a couple tries to find someone you like (or a group that you feel comfortable in), but once you do, even just knowing that there is a time each week set aside for you to talk about what’s going on with you in which you don’t have to worry that you are bothering a friend is HUGE.

If you have an aversion to therapy—if, for example, you tried it once and had a bad experience, or maybe there’s a stigma in your family or in your community around going to a therapist—I really urge you to just give it a try. Your situation is exactly what therapy is meant for. And if it’s overwhelming to you to figure out how to find a therapist (or a group) that you’ll be comfortable with, try asking one of those friends who you’re worried you’ve been too needy with to help you with this one last big thing. They will probably be really happy to know that you’re seeking out this extra support, and you might be able to find someone through a personal recommendation.

The other half of my answer to your question is that, in addition to therapy, there’s a lot of work that you can do to build up your ability to be self sufficient in nurturing yourself and soothing yourself. This is a skill that needs to be actively worked on, and it improves with time. And you might be doing certain things already that help.

Do you need to take a bath every night with candlelight and a comic book? Do you need to write long, indulgent descriptions of your dreams as soon as you wake up every morning? Or does it help to do morning pages from the great creativity book “The Artist’s Way?” Does reading self-help books make you feel less alone? Do you feel better whenever you go roller skating? Does being around animals help you? Nature? What does your most Quiet and Alone Self need?

For me the secret is writing. I don’t always think that I want to do it, but it always makes me feel better. It’s almost as if I can feel all of the stuck stuff inside of me draining out onto the page (sorry, that’s gross). When I write regularly, I feel like I’m taking care of myself. And when I haven’t written for a while, all my neediness comes back. It’s like my brain is calling out for a way to process my life.

What you want to avoid is turning to harmful behaviors to self soothe. TV, junk food (or, um, late night cheese-eating parties aka “Night Cheese”), alcohol, and drugs might all temporarily stop the inner monologue in some ways, but they don’t help it. The way to help it is to use these self-soothing techniques that you’re going to develop as ways to tell yourself “I’m okay.” Because you are.

Once you figure out how to self-nurture even in little ways, you can start to do these things for yourself without anyone else’s permission. This will teach you that your needs are not unreasonable. When we have needs and we turn to other people to meet them and for whatever reason that person isn’t able to meet that need, we tend to judge the need and judge ourselves. We believe that we asked too much, and that needing what we needed in the first place was wrong or bad or “too much.”

The most empowering thing that you can do is realize that you are not “too much.” Nothing about you is too much.

Being alone with our needs is scary, because when bad things happen to us we feel depleted. We feel incapable of controlling anything. We feel that the universe is being ungenerous with us, so we don’t trust it to point us in the right direction.

Let yourself listen to the part of you that knows what these little things are that might help, and visualize this self-soothing work as simultaneously filtering old, stuck emotions and building up self-love resources.

Your friends who love you will still be there for you. And all of this will allow you to be there for them too. It sounds like they’ve given a lot to you, so see if you can find little ways to thank them. A silly gift. An “I love you” text. Share with them the ways in which you are learning to self soothe. Maybe they would like to go roller skating too. It will feel great to know that you can tell them how much they mean to you and how much you appreciate their support through this rough patch.

This road back to feeling okay isn’t always easy. But I promise you that it’s so worth it.


Kate Scelsa is the author of the young adult novel “Fans of the Impossible Life” (HarperCollins/Balzer+Bray). She grew up in New Jersey, went to school at Sarah Lawrence College, and now lives in Brooklyn with her wife and two black cats. Kate also performs with theater company Elevator Repair Service and is half of The Kate and Vin Scelsa Podcast, available on iTunes. Follow her on TwitterHelp support our contributors here on Patreon!


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“I’m trans and pansexual, and I’ve wanted to be a therapist for a long time. However, last year I outted a loved one to my therapist–just because it was a big part of my life and what brought me and that person closer–and my therapist told my parents. I know that he didn’t have to and that he was breaking rules, because I came out to the therapist I had before him and she was fine. Now, my view on therapy has changed, and I’m afraid to go back, but I know I need it. What do I do?”

- Question submitted by Anonymous

To answer this question, we reached out to our friend Kati Morton, who is an awesome mental health YouTuber, as well as a Licensed Marriage & Family therapist, to say a few words before you get your standard Everyone Is Gay advisement from the lovely Dannielle.

Kati Morton Says:

This is obviously a case of someone not being good at their job, and that definitely sucks, but know that this is the exception not the rule. That is why it is so important to know that you can always switch therapists! If you don’t click with one, or you don’t feel that they “get” you in one way or another, it is perfectly fine to find someone else. In fact it takes most people a few different therapists to find the “right” one. So please get back out there. Don’t let this one bad therapist take away your chance at an invaluable resource.

Dannielle Says:

Unfortunately for all of us, there are really wonderful people and really terrible people in nearly every field. There are straight up MONSTERS that run non-profit companies. There are doctors that mis-diagnose patients with cancer on purpose, so they can make money. There are lawyers that make up stories and evidence to get their undeniably-guilty-clients off the hook. There are cops that use their position of power to commit disgusting acts of racism. There are therapists that out their clients and prescribe sending them off to pray-the-gay-away camps.

Fortunately for all of us, those aren’t the only people in the world. There are people who work tirelessly to make the world a better place. There are doctors who put everything they have into making sure their offices don’t experience even a hint of malpractice. There are lawyers who fight the lawyers who fuck it up for everyone. There are cops who truly do believe in protecting all people and are disgusted by men-in-uniform whom do not comply. There are therapists that would never, in one million years, under any circumstance, share your confidential information.

I think you should find one of those therapists, and if you’re still considering it, I think you should be one of those therapists.

If you have the opportunity to be one of the great people in your field, please do it. Please be the good among the bad. Give people a reason to feel safe. If there is one thing this world needs a lot more of, it’s safe spaces. Safe spaces for all types of people, for all types of reasons. We need good therapists, we need good doctors, we need good cops. We are raised to believe these people are looking out for us. We are brought up to believe these people have our backs. We spend our entire lives seeking out these specific types of people because they have the power to do something we can’t, they are supposed to be on our side. Sometimes they’re not. Sometimes they’re so far from being ‘on our side’ that it’s sickening. Please, please, do not give up your dream – and do not give up therapy – because some people are pieces of shit. Believe that the world is better because you are in it and you will make it better.

And. Trust your intuition. Another thing we’re taught from a young age is that we are wrong. We’re taught this over and over and over, until one day you’re sitting in a room with a therapist and they say to you, “being gay isn’t actually a real feeling, a study was done to prove that it’s because of your abuse as a child, if you don’t remember the abuse, it’s because there is a block on it.” Immediately your guts go “whoa whoa whoa, this doesn’t feel right,” but because we’ve been taught to stop believing in ourselves so early on, you stop that thought process. You stop it and say, “well, my therapist is a professional, they must know what they’re talking about,” and you find yourself in a much worse position because you didn’t trust your own intuition. Your intuition is powerful as fuck. Trust yourself, and do what feels right.

Hi! Our advice is always free for all to read & watch. Help us keep this gay ship chuggin’ by donating as little as $1/month over here on Patreon. xo


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“I finally got up the courage to tell my parents I want to start seeing a therapist, and they’ve been fully supportive. The problem is, I want to tell my best friend because she knows I’ve been feeling down for a long time (though I don’t think she knows that it’s this serious), but I don’t know how to go about it. I probably won’t see her in person for about a month, so should I wait until then or tell her over chat? And what do I SAY so it’s not too awkward?”

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

First of all, going to a therapist is RIDICULOUSLY COMMON. 95% of the people i know in real life go to therapy and prolly a whole bunch of people i dont know also go to therapy.

I think telling her over chat is totally fine and i think you don’t have to take it too seriously. I recommend calling your therapist CAPITAN POTATO so you can chat her and be like ‘hey sorry i’m late i had another meeting with CAPITAN POTATO and i got caught up talking about my dumb ole mom leaving the refrigerator open all the time, i dunno why it bothers me so much, but IT JUST DOES’ and then she’ll be like ‘who’s capitan potato??’ and you’ll be like ‘LOL cappy p is my therapist, i gave her a fun name bc dannielle from everyoneisgay.com told me to’ and then she’ll be like ‘omg i love everyoneisgay.com’ and you’ll be like ‘ME TOO WEBCAST MARATHON???’ and then you guys will have the best day ever.

I understand that the things that you’re going through in life may be difficult and that’s why you are in therapy and really THAT’S what you wanna talk about, but the fact that you’re seeing someone and talking to someone to make these things easier IS NOT A BIG DEAL. Don’t let that weigh you down at all because that is the tiniest of things. Talk to your friend the way you would talk to her about getting a new pair of shoes, therapy is not a big deal, save the serious talks for the serious issues, you know? AND MAYBE you can use the news of your therapy sesh to talk about serious things! and you can be like ‘yea actually capitan potato has been helping me with THIS which is actually awesome’ and make your BFF aware that things are headed in the right direction, if you’re feeling awesome she will feel awesome and you can talk about being awesome together.

Kristin Says:

Usually I make up additional names to supplement the ones Dannielle creates, but there is no way in hell I am going to top CAPITAN POTATO, so that is officially your new therapist’s name. I really, really, REALLY hope that somehow that comes up in your next session because I REALLY want CAPITAN POTATO to know that is their new name…

Aaaaanyway. Yes! Absolutely tell her over chat and you can say it in any way you like, because the best part about life is that even if the initial moment is awkward, you have a whole bunch of moments that follow that where you can work it out and make it not-so-awkward. My initial coming out process with sooooooo many of my friends was sooooooo awkward (and I know this isn’t ‘coming out’ but it still fits the same IDEAS), and now so many of those stories are our absolute favorite ones to relive. Once I came out over chat (at the time it was AOL Instant Messenger #old) by saying, “I am dating someone. HER name is Randi,” to which my friend immediately chatted me back, “Ohhhhh so you swing both ways like a rusty door?” There I was thinking she’d be horrified and instead she made a joke and that was that.

Dannielle is right, you going to therapy is not something that should make anyone feel weird, because I am very convinced that nearly the whole world goes to therapy (I went for about 8 years!). That said, it may be a big deal to YOU and that makes total sense because it is a new thing, and an important one. So, if you don’t feel up to making a TOTAL joke about it, just say, “Hey. I know that I’ve told you about how I have been feeling down and stuff, and so I finally asked my parents if I could see someone about it and they said I could. So, I am now your friend who goes to a therapist. Everyone needs at least one.” That way you address the serious, you address that it’s an important thing to you, and you still get a tiny giggle. Approach it like that, and remember that even if you feel awkward… that’s totally okay. BFFs are BFFs are BFFs you guys. You will work it out, and she will love you just the same and be supportive of you.

Please, though, no matter what you do, do not do this without using CAPITAN POTATO.


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“how do I come out to my therapist? I'm bipolar and I've been going to therapy for about a year, and my gay-ness is deffo not helping the depression bit, but what do I say?!”

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

OKAY, after reading the FOURTH question about therapy I decided we need to answer this. FOUR OF THEM. And you guys ALL want to know how to talk to your therapist.

Let me tell you a little something. Therapy literally exists so that you can talk to someone and not feel judged, different, crazy, stupid, abnormal, weird, uncomfortable, INSERTNEGATIVEEMOTIONHERE. Therapists are there for you to tell EVERYTHING to. It’s not like you walk in one day and say ‘this is the one thing i’m upset about’ and they say ‘CUT YOUR HAIR DIFFERENT’ and then you are cured and you never go back. You go in, you talk to them, you tell them everything, you’re honest with them (maybe in ways you’re afraid to be honest with other people) and they listen to you. They assess what you’re going through, what you’ve been through and what you feel you WILL go through and they help you understand yourself a little bit more. Which, in turn, helps you live a much healthier and stable life.

If I were you, and I were depressed, and being gay was making it worse…that would be the FIRST thing I told my therapist “I’m gay, I have no one to talk to, I’m scared, I’m lonely, I’m hurt and it feels wrong” That’s what you say. You say exactly what you’re feeling.

Hiding anything from your therapist is like eating cereal with water. You know it’s SUPPOSED to be good, and like you SHOULD be getting something from it, but it’s just basically soggy…


Kristin Says:

I think it is impressive that you have paid this therapist of yours (who I will heretofore refer to as Dr. Therapy) for a year and they still don’t know that part of what you are struggling with is that you are gay.  Anonymous, you are one tough cookie slash stubborn muffin. (I needed something to go with cookie.)

If I were you, I would say, “Hey, it has taken me awhile to get here, but I feel like I want to share something with you that is affecting my depression.  It is hard for me to say.”  The thing about therapy is, you are PAYING DR.THERAPY TO LISTEN TO YOU…you could say that first bit and then sit and blink for ten minutes while you build up the courage, and guess what?  Dr. Therapy has to just sit there and blink back, and patiently wait for your next sentence.  That is why therapy ruuuuules!  You can say anything you want, however you want to say it, and Dr. Therapy is there to listen and to help you navigate through your struggles.

What I will say is this: You will not be able to take the steps that you need to take within your work in therapy if you are not being completely open about who you are and how you feel.  I can promise you that, even though you might feel a little off when you first tell Dr. T that you are a big ‘mo, after another few conversations everything will settle into place and you will finally, FINALLY be able to talk openly about all of the things that you are going through.

Also, feel free to open the conversation by saying, “So, I wrote into everyoneisgay.com and asked them how to come out to you, and they called me a big ‘mo and they called you Dr. T.”


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“So, when's the best time to introduce the fact that you go to therapy once a week? I started going after a really bad breakup like two years ago, and have been going off and on for like half that time in total. I like it, but it also has a bad, bad stigma, you know? Saying you go to therapy is like saying, "FYI, I AM A CRAZY-CRAZY!" How do you recommend spilling the beans? I don't want to stop going; it's a good "just for me" thing that I do and it helps. But, I don't want to put off anyone that I'm trying to open up to.”

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Do people still think (only) crazies go to therapy?? I don’t think that’s true. I sort of expect that people go to therapy, or have at least been to therapy. I mean, I guess I’ve never been, so it’s weird that I think that, but like…a lot of shit goes down in your life and it’s good to talk to someone.

I think it’s appropriate at any point. If you’re in the middle of a convo about important shit and you’re like ‘yea, actually that break up was the reason i started going to therapy. I felt crazy, but luckily i found out I’m not’ or something. Make a joke about it. Therapy is not something to be ashamed of…I want to make shirts that say “i go to therapy…SAY SOMETHIN”

Worrying about something like this is a waste of time. Anyone in their right mind knows therapy isn’t for weirdos.

Kristin Says:

I agree times ten million.  Therapy is the fucking best, you guys.  I went for many years myself, and I learned so much about myself through the process.  I would still be there if it didn’t cost so much damn money. #getwiththeprogramhealthinsurance

The first thing you have to do is take the stigma off of therapy for yourself.  Next, stop treating it like it the biggest deal on the planet.  After that, have some ice cream with sprinkles.  Finally, take a deep breath.

Still with me?

The best time to introduce it is, exactly like Dannielle said, whenever it comes up naturally in conversation.  If your girl is like, “We should totally see Blue Valentine next Tuesday night,” and that is when you typically get your head shrunk, just be honest and say, “I WANT TO SEE THAT SO BAD, but I have therapy on Tuesday nights.  Does Wednesday work?”  If she takes it in stride, then let us know and we can say we told you so.

If she is like, “Say what?  Therapy?” and backs away from you slowly…then you can say, “Calm down, I go to therapy so I can deal with some life stuff and be a calmer human, so don’t be a bitch-bag about it.”  THEN when she takes it in stride and kisses you on the mouth, you can again feel free to let us know so we can say we told you so.