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Safety Planning for the Holidaze

by Allyee, Wes, and Everyone at The Trevor Project

Ho Ho Ho, Merry…  Ehhh… Not so fast.  For so many of us, the holidays can be a super stressful and challenging time.  On top of the regular challenges we face during the holidays (what presents to buy, how many treats to indulge in, which ugly sweater to wear), LGBTQ young people often face many other obstacles to having wonderful holiday cheer.

At The Trevor Project, we hear from young people from all kinds of backgrounds about their experiences with the holidays. This might include traveling home for the holidays, spending more time than normal with family while being on break from school, or not going home at all. Of course, some young people return to supportive or welcoming homes and loved ones.  However, this doesn’t necessarily protect them from potentially triggering or traumatic situations. All of these different situations might bring up experiences like:

– Having family members who may be openly hostile towards your LGBTQ identity;

– Being around family and having to go back into the closet, even if you’re out in other environments; this can be especially difficult for trans*, genderqueer, or gender non-conforming youth who may have to revert to unwanted gender expressions, names or pronouns;

– Not feeling safe or supported enough to go home or visit family;

– Watching friends and loved ones visit their families when you have faced rejection or hostility from your own;

– Being homeless due to family rejection or hostility – something that really impacts our community. 

While we can’t possibly cover every “what if”, we do know that every young person deserves the chance to thrive, regardless of their identities.  So, we had the ENTIRE staff at The Trevor Project come together and brainstorm Holiday Self Care Ideas for YOU. Here is what we came up with:

– Budget personal time to decompress. You don’t have to be around people all the time, despite what it may seem like.

– Take walks: Try making playlists to match your mood.

– Create a self-care corner: Place happy reminders or notes in mirrors, on your dresser, or in a bag to brighten your day along the way.

– Brainstorm “safe” conversation topics for family.  Try to find neutral topics that decrease the likelihood for offense or pain.

– Plan game time for family/friends: This takes away the pressure to create conversation!

– Try to keep in touch with your chosen family/friends while you’re away from them. Schedule phone or chat dates regularly or for times when you think you might need them.

– Try to acknowledge the things in your life you’re grateful for, or things you’ve accomplished that you’re proud of (big or small). Write them down. If you keep this list in your phone, you can pull it up whenever/wherever.

– Don’t overextend yourself financially if you don’t want to.  You can give gifts and appreciation cheaply or free!

– Give away items you don’t need to charities or shelters.

– Sing! Practice self-karaoke!

– If religion is an important part of the holidays for you, try finding a welcoming congregation in the National LGBTQ Task Force’s Institute for Welcoming Resources.

– Identify safe places if you’re traveling somewhere. Are there Community Centers, or LGBTQ-inclusive spaces in the area in case you need a place to go? Sometimes the best place to go is to an online community. YouTube has a bunch of awesome people and videos to lend support and a giggle or two (I dare you to not smile at this video) Also, TrevorSpace is an online community for LGBTQ youth ages 13-24 from all over the world, and it’s a great place to find support.

– It is especially important for those of us who aren’t going home for the holidays to reach out for support. Whether that be the family/friends you have chosen, or through an online community. If you need a place to stay, please don’t hesitate to contact the National Runaway Safeline at 1-800-RUNAWAY or us here at The Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386.

– Create your own traditions with a person or people that are meaningful to you. This can be laying in bed all watching movies, having your own party or dinner with friends, or signing up to volunteer at your local soup kitchen.

– Anticipate challenges and healthy responses that keep you safe above all else, and come prepared with those. There is a chance that you might encounter homophobic, transphobic or biphobic remarks. Before standing up to these, some things to think about are; is it safe for me to stand up to this remark? What is the best case scenario? (Can I change their viewpoint? Can I help them understand why that is hurtful and/or offensive? Will they apologize?) What is the worst case scenario? (Will I be outed? Will they say even more hurtful things? Will I get in trouble? Will I be upset for the rest of the trip?) Do you have an alternative place to stay if things get too intense?

– Safety Plan! Do you need help making an individual safety plan? Call The Trevor Project anytime at 1-866-488-7286 and we can make a master plan together.

– Accept sadness. Sometimes we stress ourselves out with feelings we “should” feel. Sadness is okay to feel, especially at the holidays.

Finally, remember that Trevor is here 24/7 at 1-866-7386, including every single holiday. Our trained counselors are here to listen to whatever it is that you are going through and work with you to create your very own safety plan and Holiday Self Care List.

This time of year is an awesome time for reflection and gratitude.  Sometimes, it can feel almost impossible to find things to be grateful for.  At Trevor, we feel tremendously grateful for your trust in us in helping you through those dark times.

We’ll be here every single day and night if you need us.  You are never alone.

—
Click through to read more about Allyee and our other Second Opinions panelists!

12.23.2014
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Kristin's Coming Out Story

Mashed potatoes, overcooked stuffing, and an antibiotic-infused Butterball turkey: these are the markers of the American holiday known as Thanksgiving. Unless, of course, you were at my house on Novem- ber 26, 1998. If that were the case, you would have also found a slightly tipsy, wine-drinking mom; a smiling, story-telling dad; a sullen, pre- pubescent little sister; and me at the age of seventeen, clad in Salvation Army–sourced clothing, about to tell my parents that I was gay.

First, some background. Until my senior year in high school, I identified as a straight girl with very close girlfriends and a deep adoration for Liv Tyler. My very observant mother, however, had asked me countless times if I was a lesbian. My answer was always the same: “No, Mom, calm down and stop asking me!” Then, in the fall of 1997, I met a girl. We became friends. We hung out. We kissed. We liked kissing. We did some other stuff. This happened a few times, and then that thing happened. That oh-dear-God-my-stomach-is-squeezed-and-my-heart- is-in-my-throat thing. I liked this girl.

In addition to my oh-my-God-I’m-gay panic, I was horrified that my mother had been right all along. As we all know, telling your parents that they are right about anything is almost impossible between the ages of eleven and twenty-four. I didn’t breathe a word of my gayness to any- one but my close friends for almost a year, which brings us back to the Thanksgiving Day surprise.

Once my sister had left the table, I began to complain about an awful translation of the Bible that had been given to me by a relative. I said something like, “They make it sound like God hates gay people, but that is a load of BS.” My mom looked up from her stuffing, her eyes troubled by my angry tone, and asked, for the hundredth time, “Kristin, is there something you want to tell us?” Then . . . it just happened. I dug my fin- gers into my palm, mustered up as much teenage courage as I could, and answered, “Yes. I want to tell you both that I’m gay.”

Silence.

The first thing my parents said to me, and the thing I will always remember, was that I was their daughter and they would always love me. For that, I was (and still am) very thankful. After this initial reaction, however, my mother began what would be a very long journey in rec- onciling her love for her child with her deeply instilled religious beliefs. The first few years were very hard. My mother and I fought a lot. She cried a lot, and I yelled even more. Through all of it, though, we never stopped loving each other.

Over time, the yelling calmed into a dialogue. She allowed herself to meet my girlfriend. Our conversations progressed, and she began to ask me questions. Slowly, girlfriends were invited over for dinner, and my mother and I found common ground amid differing beliefs.

The thing about coming out is that it isn’t one moment at a Thanksgiving dinner table. It is a process that takes patience, understanding, and com- passion. It is different for everyone. All we can do is share as much of ourselves as we feel comfortable with and work diligently at accepting who we are, with or without the understanding of those around us.

11.26.2014
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“My girlfriend is coming home to meet my huge family for Thanksgiving. All of the adults know already, but do I owe it to them to not be obviously gay so that the little kids don’t get confused?”

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

I say in any family situation with any family member regardless of ages or genders or who’s around… lay off the PDA.

I understand wanting to make your LUUUVER feel comfy, but a small hug will do the trick and hugs aren’t super gay. AMIRITE?

I also think it’s a good idea to ask your family grown ups what they prefer. Giving them a quick call to say ‘hey I’m bringing CHASTITY to thanksgiving and I was wondering if it was okay for me to introduce her to the kids as my girlfriend or if you’d prefer something else?’ Not only will they REALLY appreciate that you asked, it’ll give them the opportunity to talk to you about it. Some might be uncomfortable, some might not care at all and some might say ‘I’M SO GLAD YOU CALLED, HOW SHOULD I EXPLAIN THIS TO MY 5 YEAR OLD?!?!’ Then you get to tell them that it’s actually easier to explain to kids the younger they are because they understand it immediately. If you say ‘CHASTITY AND HOPE love each other’ they say ‘ok cool’ and then they throw a block at someone.

It’ll be totally cool, be open with your questions and respect whatever it is that your family grown ups ask of you. YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE A GREAT HOLIDAY.

Kristin Says:

I actually disagree with some of the stuff that Dannielle said up there, which NEVER HAPPENS, so this is mildly exciting. I understand the general context of being respectful of other people, etcetera, however, I think that you need to be comfortable around your family, and I know that we ALL know that the kiddies aren’t going to be confused if things are done in an open and honest manner.

Here’s what I say:

1. Act like yourself, and don’t hide the fact that you care about your girlfriend. Hold her hand if you feel so inspired, put your head on her shoulder when you guys are watching a movie, and tell the story about how you guys were at dinner for your anniversary when Brad Pitt walked in and then you both squealed silently and then couldn’t stop laughing. Act. Like. Yourself.

2. Be open to conversation with your grown-up family members. I don’t think you have to necessarily call them beforehand (though you can if this is what makes you feel best!), but when you get a moment aside with the parents of the babies, let them know that you are totally open to their input. You can say, “Hey, I am completely comfortable answering any questions that MICHELLETANNER and RAVENSYMONE have (#babies) about me and my girlfriend, but I wanted to know if you had any questions or if you preferred to answer those questions yourselves.”

The key here is your own comfort level. If your eyes bug out and you break into a cold sweat every time you hold your girlfriend’s hand around your family… then everyone else is also going to feel uncomfortable. If that is where you are at, then for now just DON’T hold hands! When I first started bringing ladies home, I never went anywhere near them in front of my family – because I wasn’t ready for it. I wasn’t comfortable. Now, however, if I have a lady home, I hold her hand and snuggle with her and feel totally at ease. You have to do what YOU are comfortable with, because your own level of comfortability with your relationship is what is conveyed to those around you.

GOBBLE GOBBLE.

11.21.2012
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Coming Out on Thanksgiving: Kristin’s Story

Hey gaybeans.

In lieu of advice today, we thought it would be appropriate to share Kristin’s Coming Out story. Why, you ask? Well, mostly because she came out to her parents over Thanksgiving dinner - a moment that may be in your immediate future (knowingly or not). So, as many of you ready yourselves for a family holiday, here is how Kristin spent hers one million years ago.

Kristin Says:

Mashed potatoes, over-cooked stuffing, and an antibiotic-infused, Butterball turkey: these are the markers of the American holiday known as Thanksgiving. Unless, of course, you were at my house on November 26, 1998. If that were the case, you would have also found a slightly tipsy, wine-drinking mom, a smiling, story-telling dad, a sullen, pre-pubescent little sister, and me at the age of eighteen, clad in Salvation Army sourced clothing, about to tell my parents that I was a big homo.

First, some background. Up until my senior year in high school, I identified as a straight girl with very close girl friends and a deep adoration for Liv Tyler. My very observant mother, however, had asked me countless times if I was a lesbian. My answer was always the same: “No, Mom, calm down and stop asking me!” Then, in the fall of 1997, I met a girl. We became friends. We hung out. We kissed. We liked kissing. We did some other stuff. This happened a few times, and then that thing happened. That oh-dear-god-my-stomach-is-squeezed-and-my-heart-is-in-my-throat thing. I liked this girl.

In addition to my oh-my-god-I’m-gay panic, I was horrified that my mother had been right all along. As most of you know, telling your parents that they are right about anything is almost impossible between the ages of eleven and twenty-four. I didn’t breathe a word of my gayness to anyone but my close friends for almost a year…which brings us back to the Thanksgiving Day surprise.

Once my sister had left the table to go doodle in her Lisa Frank notebook, I began to complain about an awful translation of the Bible that had been given to me by a relative. I said something like, “Mo-OM. They make it sound like God hates gay people, but that is a load of bullshit.” My mom looked up from her stuffing, her eyes troubled by my angry tone, and asked, for the hundredth time, “Kristin, is there something you want to tell us?” Then…it just happened. I dug my fingers into my palm, mustered up as much teenage-courage as I could, and answered, “Yes. I want to tell you both that I’m gay.”

Silence.

The first thing that my parents said to me, and the thing I will always remember, was that I was their daughter and they would always love me. For that I was, and still am, very thankful. After this initial reaction, however, my mother began what would be a very long journey in reconciling her love for her child with her deeply-instilled religious beliefs. The first few years were very hard. My mother and I fought a lot. She cried a lot and I yelled even more. Through all of it, though, we never stopped loving each other.

Over time, the yelling calmed into a dialogue. She allowed herself to meet some of my girlfriends. Our dialogue progressed, and she began to ask me questions. Slowly, my girlfriends were invited over for dinner, and my mother and I found common ground amidst differing beliefs.

The thing about ‘coming-out,’ is that it isn’t one moment at a Thanksgiving dinner table. It is a process that takes patience, understanding, and compassion. It is different for everyone. All we can do is share as much of ourselves as we feel comfortable with, and work diligently at accepting who we are, with or without the understanding of those around us.

 

 

11.19.2012
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