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“Would it be bad to come out to my mom via email? Is it unfair not to do it face to face?”

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Nope. Not at all.

I think it’s a great idea because it gives both of you the space you need to process things. If you’re mostly concerned about her feeling like it didn’t mean as much, include that in your email!

I get it. As a parent, you want your kid to be able to talk to you about everything and you want the satisfaction of looking them in the eye and feeling in that moment together. BUT LIKE as the human coming out to their parent, it’s fucking hard. It’s hard to say what you feel and how you feel it and why you want them to know what you feel and how you feel it. And what if you forget to say something, or you say something wrong. Or what if they respond poorly and then you don’t feel comfortable talking about it at all??

I think letters are always a good idea. If you want, you can send the email and say “Please let me know when you’re going to read this, I want to be there, but I’m not as good with words when I’m saying them out loud.” OR you can say, “I really wanted to tell you face-to-face,  but I was afraid I’d chicken out, so I wrote it here, I want to talk to you as soon as you’re done reading.”

There are endless options when it comes to clarification in letter form. You can clear up how much you love your mom. You can clear up how much you value her support. You can clear up why it’s taken you a minute to say something. You have a great amount of opportunity.

I vote do it.

Kristin Says:

Absolutely, 100% do it. If you are worried that your mom might want to have face-to-face time, know that she will get that time and tell her that she will get that time in your email.

I will give you a sample start:

***
Dear Mom,

I love you and I want you to know that I am only writing you this email because I want to make sure I say things the way I need to, and because talking about important parts of ourselves can be difficult at times. I want you to know that this email is just the very first step for you and I, and that I would love to talk to you more and answer any questions you have, and also totally hug you and things like that after we get past this first step? Cool? Cool.

[YOUR COMING OUT LETTER]

I love you, Mom.

***

You know?! Just lay it all out there. That is the beauty of an email or letter. It gives you time to say what you need, it gives your mom time to process (you can put that in there, too!), and it isn’t a final, one-time experience.

Coming out is a journey that only begins with that first statement of identity to another person. Conversations happen, moments are shared, and experiences and dialogue build over time to shape your coming out process.

Remember this is only step one.
Send that email.

***
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"I did something terrible and snooped on a Facebook chat my girlfriend was having with an ex. I know it was wrong, but I saw her tell him that she’s been considering breaking up with me but hasn’t because I’m ‘too nice.’ It’s a shock b/c she’s always loving up on me and we recently made plans to move in together! I feel like I need to talk to her about it but don’t know how to start. Any suggestions?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

YEESH. Part a. YEESH. It’s like, you snooped. You snoopz you looze… that didn’t work as well as I thought, but my point is your boobear is going to be upset because snooping AUTOMATICALLY implies mistrust.

If you trusted your boobear whole-heartedly, you wouldn’t have felt compelled to look at her Facebook chats at all. It wouldn’t have even occurred to you. This prob is two-fold, (1) something is amiss in your relationship, which is what made you wonder (2) your own insecurities got the best of you and now you feel validated.

AND I feel like (1) can totally feed into (2), which I think that’s might be what’s really going on. I say this because you said “she’s always loving up on me” you didn’t say “we are so in love” or “I am so heartbroken” or “we’ve never had any issues” …You don’t even seem that bummed out about it, tbh. WHICH IS TOTALLY FINE. I think you just need to own up to the fact that things have been feeling off, which is why you were feeling weak / insecure, which is probably why you thought to peep her chats in the first place, which is how you saw what she was saying, which leads to why you are uncomfortable and the two of you need to have a convo.

We all make mistakes, especially when we are feeling insecure or off about something. You snooping will be a hurdle, for sure, but the core of the issue is you and your boo not feeling 100% about your status and that talk needs to happen before you move in together and you just randomly yell “I SAW YOUR FACEBOOKS” while she’s spilling cap’n crunch on her crotch. #capncrunchcrotch

Kristin Says:

Oh yea, please do us all a favor (but mostly yourself), and do not move in with this humanboo until you speak with her about what is up, and do so honestly and whilst being as cool-headed as you can BECAUSE:

While this is certainly a huge yeesh… who the hell knows what kind of conversation she was having with that ex or what her motivations were?! Maybe he’s hurting a bunch and she didn’t know what to say and so she was like YEA WHO EVEN IS HAPPY NOT ME IM NOT HAPPY SO LOOK EVERYTHING IS FINE. That isn’t highly likely, but the thing is you simply cannot know because you discovered this while on a snoop and like Dannielle always says #yousnoopz #youlooze

So: sit your humanboo down and say, “I did something bad and now things are really messy, here is what went down. I was feeling shaky and I fucked up big time and I snooped on your chat and that may be reason enough for you to be furious with me and signal that things aren’t great between us BUT ALSO in my snoop I saw that you were considering breaking up with me so maybe we should talk about all of this.” Then bury your face in the nearest pillow and scream. Then sit up, and talk to her.

People’s feelings are complicated (Avril Lavigne wrote a song about this in 2002), and you cannot get anywhere by snooping (unless you’re my mom in 1994 who found out I let Dan VanWagenen touch my boob while watching the movie ‘Baby’s Day Out’). You must now speak, about your snoopz and about her feels — and the next time you want to snoop, just, well, just watch Baby’s Day Out or something.

Good luck.

***
Hi! Our advice is always free for all to read & watch. Help us keep this gay ship chuggin’ by donating as little as $1/month over here on Patreon. xo

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"When is it okay to remove my ex on facebook? She was awful and cheated, and now it’s over a year later, and I don’t like my profile being open to people that aren’t a part of my life. My list is small and personal. Is it weird or bad to delete her or will she think I’m not over her or something?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Why do you give a single eff about what she thinks?

You don’t want her in your life, she sucks, it’s over, bye. You know?

I, personally, never delete anyone from social media bc even though someone has broken my heart or pissed me off or let me down, I still care about them. I don’t check up on them all the time, I’ll take them out of my main news feed, etc. But I don’t ever want someone to think I want to erase them from my life because they hurt me, or made me angry, or let me down. Once I’ve loved someone, they’re a part of me.

HOWEVER, if you DON’T want her in your life, if she DOESN’T make you feel good, if you DON’T care about what she thinks, and you DON’T want her to know what you’re up to, DELETE HER. What does it matter if she thinks you’re still not over her? You are. Who cares. Bye exgf!

Kristin Says:

Yea — if the only reason you are keeping her in your list of “friends” is because you are worried about what she will think, it is time to say BUHBYE ADIOS CIAOBELLA SAYONARA TATA aka *clicks finger on ‘delete’ button*

You’re position makes complete sense. Your list is small, she isn’t in your life anymore, she isn’t someone you consider (or want to consider) a close friend, the end.

To all of you ex-gfs out there: if your ex deletes you from social media, it may likely not be about you… it may be about them making positive, healthy decisions about what they do and/or don’t want in their brain-space.

Now, why don’t we all collectively press play on ‘Since U Been Gone’.
Right?!

*dance party*

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"I came out of the closet via social media and everyone thought it was a joke. Now what?!"

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Coupla thangs.

First, if people think it’s a joke and you don’t feel like explaining every thing to every person THAT IS OKAY. It’s like, half of our facebook friends are people we barely talk to, anyway, so like… why worry??

Second, your close friends and fam might think it’s a joke because they assume if it was real you would have told them to their faces with your mouth. Which, I think, is pretty understandable.

Those folks, I think, deserve a second nudge. If they’re important to you and you’re okay talking about it just tell them what’s up. It can be super casual (no one wants it to be heavy and dramatic)—just shoot them a text or bring it up over a boiling hot container of EasyMac “Hey, btw that facebook thing wasn’t a joke JUST FYI LOL”

If my friend did that to me I’d be like, “thanks for the EasyMac you owe me three starburst for telling Facebook before you told me”

Kristin Says:

Ooooooh, Starburst.

First of all, if you want to, you could do a pretty funny re-post of your initial coming out with some reinforcement. If I had posted something on Tumblr or Facebook or whathaveyou that was like, “I’d like to tell you all that I’m gay so I don’t have to tell you one at a time,” and people were like HAHAHA GOOD ONE KRISTIN, I would likely REBLOG or REPOST my original post with something like this:

Attention: My gay post was not a joke. This repost is to let you know I am serious. And gay. I am gay and serious. But also I still like to have fun. You know? I am a fun gay serious person.

I’d probably also add a gif of a kitten or Beyonce.

Second of all, I agree with Dannielle’s point about close friends and family. Coming out via social media is a great tool when you just don’t feel like having a conversation one hundred million times with one hundred million people—but it is also good to let those closest to you know that you are there if they have any questions or just want to talk. While the kid who sits three chairs away from you in Calculus might not require further discussion, your mom might just want to know she can check in and that she can ask questions if she has them.

PS: Here’s a gif for your repost, should you so choose:

image

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"Help me, I came out to my best friend in an email 7 hours ago and she hasn’t replied to me and I’m freaking out! What if she doesn’t accept me? I explained myself in a really awkward and rambly way because I was nervous. Oh god."

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

If I were you I’d text her and say “I SENT YOU AN EMAIL DID YOU READ IT DO YOU HATE ME WHAT’S GOING ON *dancing lady emoji*” … But I’m not very good at keeping my feelings in with stuff like that. I’ve literally texted Kristin like 5 mins after emailing her something and been like “I WROTE A THING AND I’M EMBARRASSED DID YOU READ IT  BC YOU LIKED MY PIX ON INSTAGRAM HELP” and she’ll be like “I’m in a train inside of a ball outside of New Jersey beside a strange man and there’s no internet” and I’ll be like “ooooooohhh”

Maybe she read it and she feels weird bc she doesn’t know the right thing to say. Maybe she read it and she literally doesn’t give a shit bc it doesn’t matter to her at all. Maybe she read it and she’s scared you have a crush on her. Maybe she read it and she had to run to class. There are literally a million reasons she may have not responded. OR ALSO MAYBE SHE HASN’T READ IT YET.

If it’s bothering you, hit her up. If you can cool your jetz and wait on her, do that. Honestly, there is no wrong answer. She’s your bestie, you guys have a history and a love that can’t be explained to ANYONE. I have faith in y’all.

Kristin Says:

Okay okay. First of all I have never been “inside of a train inside of a ball,” but that sounds fun.

Second of all, SHE IS GOING TO WRITE YOU BACK. I promise. D is right — maybe she is thinking over some things or isn’t sure exactly the right things to say… but I can guarantee you that you are not going to have a story that ends, “And then I never heard from her again.” PROMISE.

I think, that if you feel you were rambly and stuff, and that maybe things were vague, you could also send her a text or a follow-up email that says, “I know I said a lot of words, I am not yet skilled at coming out as a big homo, I hope you still love me, OMG I’M PANICKING THO WHAT IF YOU DON’T LOVE ME.” Or something like that. Just be as real as you can and word vomit the facts: you’re a gaywad, you haven’t told a ton of people, and OMG YOU’RE FREAKING OUT HALP…

You know what that sort of note makes you? A human being who is adorable and relatable and wonderful. It’s also easy to respond to because you are asking one question and that is: “Do you still love me?” Her answer will be yes, even if she has some questions or things are a little wobbly for a bit – and then in two years you guys will tell the story to everyone you know and laugh and laugh and laugh.

Coming out is almost always awkward, you guys. At first it’s weird but then usually by the time you are my age you basically have enough material to do a comedy special based on all of your ridiculous and hilarious coming out moments. <3

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