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What to do when you (inevitably) fall for your best friend.
What to do when you (inevitably) fall for your best friend.
"I’m in love with my straight best friend. She is perfect. WHAT THE FISK DO I DO?!"
- Question submitted by Anonymous
We get this question all the time, so we wanted to revisit because (1) helping people (2) FISK. LOLOLOOL.
Anywayzzzz. I was 100% head over heels, ready to lay in front of a bus for, could have been married that second, spend your life together, in LOVE with my straight best friend in college. What did I do? I asked her to date me almost every day. She said no almost every day. This story does not end in ‘turns out she was gay and we are in love now” at all. In fact, it was a helluva journey.
I didn’t tell her for a while that I was into her because I was afraid it would make things weird or uncomfortable or she would think I was an idiot or whatever. I just couldn’t do it. BUT Y’ALL. It was already weird and uncomfortable because I FELT WEIRD AND UNCOMFORTABLE. Once I finally told her and she was like ‘I’m not gay, tho’ things were a lot easier. I still totally wanted to date her, but I could make jokes about it, talk to my friends about my feelings, and I wasn’t obsessing over it in my head.
When I was obsessing over everything in my head, nothing made sense. I was convinced that when she said, “ooh i love this song” what she meant was “this love song represents how I feel for you.” Spoiler: SHE JUST ACTUALLY LIKED A SONG, THAT’S IT.
Also, what happens if she has feelings for you, too? If you don’t say something, you will NEVER KNOW. You will CONSTANTLY wonder. You will literally be thinking ‘what if’ for the rest of your life. And trust me, that shit will ruin you. I think you should totally say something.
Yes, there are two main things to remember when you are in love with your straight best friend. Since almost all of you are, have been, or will be in love with your best friend, pay attention:
1 – Things will, almost always, be weirder in the long run if you aren’t honest about your feelings. Bottled up love-feelings make you act in ridiculously strange ways, make you feel more and more distant from your friendship, and just turn your brain-head into general, all-around mush.
When I was in college, and in love with my straight best friend, I didn’t tell her for years. For YEARS I would think about what it meant when she’d ask me to come watch Felicity, I would be filled with enormous amounts of hope when I was asked to sleep over, and I would go out of my way to be present at any party that she attended (“what if THIS IS MY NIGHT?!”). Eventually, after my love-feelings were gone and I was in a long-term relationship with another lady, I told her about my past feelings. Her response? “Yeah, I knew all along. There was one night where I almost did roll over and make out with you.”
SHE KNEW ALL ALONG.
WE’D ALMOST MADE OUT ONE TIME.
LIFE, YOU GUYS.
2 – It will be okay if you have feelings and hers are not the same.
You don’t have to pull a Dannielle and ask her to date you everyday (tho, you can and it works pretty well if you’re of a similar personality type). You can explain that you have some feelings and that you know she isn’t into ladies, but that because you value your relationship so very much… you just had to be honest so you could work through things.
Sure, if she says “I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU TO SAY SOMETHING,” and then romantic music swells in the background, and you kiss and flowers spring up all around you while a choir of angels descend… that would be wonderful.
If, however, she seems a little weird, or things feel a little wobbly, that is okay. If your heart feels like breaking into bits and you believe you’ll never love anyone like you love her: your heart will mend, and you will love other people. I can promise you that from over here on the other side. Be patient with your own feelings and remember that even if things are weird for a bit — a friendship, like any relationship, goes through ups and downs!
Your friendship will carry you through if things get a little wonky, and there’s a good chance that being honest will help you move through the feelings in a much healthier way.
Plus, WHO KNOWS YOU GUYS MAYBE YOU’LL EVEN MAKE OUT OR WHATEVER.
In Love with a Straightie: "I’m in love with a straight girl. How do I move on?"
“I've known this girl for two years now and we've always been pretty close, fake flirting and what-a-not. She goes to a rival high school so we can only really text anymore. Tonight I saw her after a marching band performance and gave her a hug and she texted me and we got to talking. Now, I've liked her for awhile but I know for a fact she's straight, keeping this in mind she texted me "If you were a guy we'd so be dating<3" Is ther any way I can get her into thinking about being Lauren-sexual, or should i just give up? Much love (:”
First of all…I have like 19 (read: 4) friends named LAUREN, and I don’t want to think of anyone being Lauren-sexual because ew (read: eeeeeeeeee). So thanks for making me squeak in a public place (i’m in a cafe right now). Today is a day for using parentheses…
We all have to have an epic-heartbreaking-breathtaking-screamcrying straight girl crush/love once or twice in our lives. It’s just inevitable. You can do a couple of things with your feelings. You can ignore them and appreciate the flirting. You can talk to her and say ‘boners or none, i want your heart’… or something. You can talk to her best friends and know full-well they’re telling her all your thoughts, but pretending like you both don’t know that she knows you know she knows… you know?
There are a thousand things you can do, but when it comes down to it, you can’t force her to fall in love with you. I mean, i’m a hopeless romantic, and I want to tell you to show up at her door and say “who cares if i’m girl, let me take you out” then you hand her some blue/yellow/orange carnations and she jumps on the back of your vespa. You guys ride to chipotle and eat the best fucking burrito you’ve ever had. You LOL all night long and make out really hard core while listening to Colbie Caillat… but who knows if that’s how it’ll all go down.
You have to follow your heart on this one, don’t let her jerk you around by your balls. If it gets to be too intense and you can’t eat b/c the thought of her makes you want to throw up (in a good way) you have to tell her how it is (aka all or nothing via o-town). Sometimes, you just have to go with it, you have to let yourself feel amazing things and be ok with the fact that those feeling won’t be reciprocated. It’s like, if we didn’t have these feelings Dashboard Confessional and Say Anything wouldn’t have anything to sing about.
I agree with all of what Dannielle says, but I also think she totally wants to bone you.
Also, I feel it would be a sin to not comment on the fact that you hugged her after amarching band performance. Please, dear god, tell me that she is in the marching band, and that she was wearing a square hat with a tiny brim and a little rope with a tassle or something. PLEASE TELL ME THAT.
Here’s the thing. Fake flirting is flirting, and texts like that mean she has thought about it. It doesn’t mean she will DO anything, but…the possibility is definitely there. One of my more epic straight crushes told me once, years after the crush had been put to rest, that she had thought about just rolling over in bed and putting her mouth on mine. Translation: If I had taken action on any of the manymanymany nights I had thought about rolling over and kissing her, she would have kissed me back and probably let me touch her boobs. Now, I don’t think much more would have happened and I think she would still have dated the boys she dated, and my heart probably would have been demolished. HOWEVER, I would have gotten to kiss her and touch her boobs. So. You have to weigh the options, here.
If you need to kiss those lips, then slowly up the flirting and see what happens…and make sure you move in for the sleepover. A few sleepovers in she’ll be like, “OMG when Brad used to spoon me it was so dumb,” and you’ll be like, “OMG HAHAHA SHOW ME HOW HE DID IT,” and then she’ll show you and you’ll laugh, and then you’ll tell her that you are a much better spooner and you’ll show her. Add another handful of sleepovers and stir, and you may have yourself a merry little makeout. You just have to be aware that you are putting your heart on the oldest wooden roller coaster in the amusement park…