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"I did something terrible and snooped on a Facebook chat my girlfriend was having with an ex. I know it was wrong, but I saw her tell him that she’s been considering breaking up with me but hasn’t because I’m ‘too nice.’ It’s a shock b/c she’s always loving up on me and we recently made plans to move in together! I feel like I need to talk to her about it but don’t know how to start. Any suggestions?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

YEESH. Part a. YEESH. It’s like, you snooped. You snoopz you looze… that didn’t work as well as I thought, but my point is your boobear is going to be upset because snooping AUTOMATICALLY implies mistrust.

If you trusted your boobear whole-heartedly, you wouldn’t have felt compelled to look at her Facebook chats at all. It wouldn’t have even occurred to you. This prob is two-fold, (1) something is amiss in your relationship, which is what made you wonder (2) your own insecurities got the best of you and now you feel validated.

AND I feel like (1) can totally feed into (2), which I think that’s might be what’s really going on. I say this because you said “she’s always loving up on me” you didn’t say “we are so in love” or “I am so heartbroken” or “we’ve never had any issues” …You don’t even seem that bummed out about it, tbh. WHICH IS TOTALLY FINE. I think you just need to own up to the fact that things have been feeling off, which is why you were feeling weak / insecure, which is probably why you thought to peep her chats in the first place, which is how you saw what she was saying, which leads to why you are uncomfortable and the two of you need to have a convo.

We all make mistakes, especially when we are feeling insecure or off about something. You snooping will be a hurdle, for sure, but the core of the issue is you and your boo not feeling 100% about your status and that talk needs to happen before you move in together and you just randomly yell “I SAW YOUR FACEBOOKS” while she’s spilling cap’n crunch on her crotch. #capncrunchcrotch

Kristin Says:

Oh yea, please do us all a favor (but mostly yourself), and do not move in with this humanboo until you speak with her about what is up, and do so honestly and whilst being as cool-headed as you can BECAUSE:

While this is certainly a huge yeesh… who the hell knows what kind of conversation she was having with that ex or what her motivations were?! Maybe he’s hurting a bunch and she didn’t know what to say and so she was like YEA WHO EVEN IS HAPPY NOT ME IM NOT HAPPY SO LOOK EVERYTHING IS FINE. That isn’t highly likely, but the thing is you simply cannot know because you discovered this while on a snoop and like Dannielle always says #yousnoopz #youlooze

So: sit your humanboo down and say, “I did something bad and now things are really messy, here is what went down. I was feeling shaky and I fucked up big time and I snooped on your chat and that may be reason enough for you to be furious with me and signal that things aren’t great between us BUT ALSO in my snoop I saw that you were considering breaking up with me so maybe we should talk about all of this.” Then bury your face in the nearest pillow and scream. Then sit up, and talk to her.

People’s feelings are complicated (Avril Lavigne wrote a song about this in 2002), and you cannot get anywhere by snooping (unless you’re my mom in 1994 who found out I let Dan VanWagenen touch my boob while watching the movie ‘Baby’s Day Out’). You must now speak, about your snoopz and about her feels — and the next time you want to snoop, just, well, just watch Baby’s Day Out or something.

Good luck.

***
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"When is it okay to remove my ex on facebook? She was awful and cheated, and now it’s over a year later, and I don’t like my profile being open to people that aren’t a part of my life. My list is small and personal. Is it weird or bad to delete her or will she think I’m not over her or something?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Why do you give a single eff about what she thinks?

You don’t want her in your life, she sucks, it’s over, bye. You know?

I, personally, never delete anyone from social media bc even though someone has broken my heart or pissed me off or let me down, I still care about them. I don’t check up on them all the time, I’ll take them out of my main news feed, etc. But I don’t ever want someone to think I want to erase them from my life because they hurt me, or made me angry, or let me down. Once I’ve loved someone, they’re a part of me.

HOWEVER, if you DON’T want her in your life, if she DOESN’T make you feel good, if you DON’T care about what she thinks, and you DON’T want her to know what you’re up to, DELETE HER. What does it matter if she thinks you’re still not over her? You are. Who cares. Bye exgf!

Kristin Says:

Yea — if the only reason you are keeping her in your list of “friends” is because you are worried about what she will think, it is time to say BUHBYE ADIOS CIAOBELLA SAYONARA TATA aka *clicks finger on ‘delete’ button*

You’re position makes complete sense. Your list is small, she isn’t in your life anymore, she isn’t someone you consider (or want to consider) a close friend, the end.

To all of you ex-gfs out there: if your ex deletes you from social media, it may likely not be about you… it may be about them making positive, healthy decisions about what they do and/or don’t want in their brain-space.

Now, why don’t we all collectively press play on ‘Since U Been Gone’.
Right?!

*dance party*

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"I’m almost positive my best friend is in love with a catfish. How do I 1) be absolutely certain and, if he is, b) convince him to GET OUT before he’s even more crushed. I don’t want to make him feel dumb or like the love he feels isn’t real or valid."

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

I am of the mindset that currently everyone is being catfished. Clearly, I’m wrong.. not everyone on the internet is a fishcat- fishcat is way cuter than catfish- BUT the bottom line is SOME PEOPLE ARE FISHCATS.

I think it’s cool to talk to your friend about your fears, but make sure you aren’t being accusatory. If I were your friend and I met someone on the internet and fell head over heels and really felt like I could be myself and finally thought someone understood me and EVERYTHING WAS PERFECT, I would be really defensive of my internet lover. And if you approached me by saying “your internet lover is probably a fishcat,” I would be mad at you. HOWEVER, if you said “are you ever afraid INTERNETLUV might be a fishcat,” I would be more willing to have a conversaysh.

I would advise against trying to Veronica Mars / Harriet The Spy / SVU Detective Name the situation, ONLY BECAUSE if you are wrong, you will just be a creep. OH maybe you can suggest being a detective team to make sure internetluv isn’t a fishcat? If you do it together it isnt’ that weird… I think?

Kristin Says:

You must, must, must, approach this from a position of your own concerns, and not from a place of “you are being stupid and I know more than you.” Yes — you probably do have the upper hand on the knowledge end of things because love makes people’s eyeballs and heartballs all wonky and less reliable. HOWEVER, with the slightest suggestion of “i know more than you,” your friend’s ears will close and their feeling meter will instantly flip to angry/defensive.

I agree with Dannielle’s suggestion of a team effort — and this doesn’t have to mean a team spy effort, exclusively. Your friend is in love, which means they make not be entirely up for the idea of digging around with a spyglass and such (although that does sound like a total blast). Your team effort might just mean that you position yourself as the proud yet worrisome friend who needs a little more reassurance because you care about your friend’s heart so very much.

Just say something like, “I am so, so happy for you and I can’t wait until we both get to meet Juan Benjamin.” Then your friend will be like, “What do you mean when WE get to meet Juan Benji??” Then you’ll be like, “LISTEN, I WORRY ALL THE TIME AND IM SURE THAT EVERYTHING IS FINE BUT I’VE SEEN A LOT OF MOVIES AND YOU MEAN THE WORLD TO ME SO I JUST WANT TO BE THERE TO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS FINE AND MAKE SURE YOU ARE MEETING IN A PUBLIC PLACE AND PLEASE DON’T HATE ME DO YOU HATE ME CAN I JUST BE THERE FOR TEN MINUTES THANKS OKAY PHEWF.” Then collapse in a heap of friend-effort.

I don’t even know if your friend plans to meet Juan Benji anytime soon, but this will at least open up the conversation that you love your friend, you are happy for them, and you want to make sure they are safe (and that their heart is safe, too!).

If this is a situation where only feelings are at risk, be as supportive and as honest as possible without getting too involved.

IMPORTANT: If this is a situation where addresses or personal details are being exchanged, or they plan to meet, you either have a conversation with your friend explaining why that cannot and should not happen until they can be sure of this person’s intentions OR you immediately talk to someone else and make them aware of the situation.

Capeesh?

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"I came out of the closet via social media and everyone thought it was a joke. Now what?!"

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Coupla thangs.

First, if people think it’s a joke and you don’t feel like explaining every thing to every person THAT IS OKAY. It’s like, half of our facebook friends are people we barely talk to, anyway, so like… why worry??

Second, your close friends and fam might think it’s a joke because they assume if it was real you would have told them to their faces with your mouth. Which, I think, is pretty understandable.

Those folks, I think, deserve a second nudge. If they’re important to you and you’re okay talking about it just tell them what’s up. It can be super casual (no one wants it to be heavy and dramatic)—just shoot them a text or bring it up over a boiling hot container of EasyMac “Hey, btw that facebook thing wasn’t a joke JUST FYI LOL”

If my friend did that to me I’d be like, “thanks for the EasyMac you owe me three starburst for telling Facebook before you told me”

Kristin Says:

Ooooooh, Starburst.

First of all, if you want to, you could do a pretty funny re-post of your initial coming out with some reinforcement. If I had posted something on Tumblr or Facebook or whathaveyou that was like, “I’d like to tell you all that I’m gay so I don’t have to tell you one at a time,” and people were like HAHAHA GOOD ONE KRISTIN, I would likely REBLOG or REPOST my original post with something like this:

Attention: My gay post was not a joke. This repost is to let you know I am serious. And gay. I am gay and serious. But also I still like to have fun. You know? I am a fun gay serious person.

I’d probably also add a gif of a kitten or Beyonce.

Second of all, I agree with Dannielle’s point about close friends and family. Coming out via social media is a great tool when you just don’t feel like having a conversation one hundred million times with one hundred million people—but it is also good to let those closest to you know that you are there if they have any questions or just want to talk. While the kid who sits three chairs away from you in Calculus might not require further discussion, your mom might just want to know she can check in and that she can ask questions if she has them.

PS: Here’s a gif for your repost, should you so choose:

image

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