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"There is a rumor going around about my friend that she has HPV, and that she’s a slut. What should i do as her friend?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Be there for her. If we’re being totally honest, there is little you can do to stop a rumor. They’re usually started by someone with super low self-esteem and spread by people who want to make others feel bad. WHAT YOU CAN DO as a friend is be there for her.

When you hear two people talking about these rumors, you can totally step in and say ‘wait what?’ and when they tell you what they heard you can literally laugh at them and say ‘that’s not even REMOTELY true, where did you hear that’ I think handling it a little more lightly is a good way to go about it. Generally, if you get super defensive about something people think you’re lying.

POR EJEMPLO (spanish), if someone is like ‘POTATOSTICK (your friend) is such a slut’ and you’re like ‘NO SHE’S NOT, JUST LAY OFF, YOU DONT EVEN KNOW HER’ you will walk away and they will be like ‘who was that weirdo yelling at us, she must be friends with slutty potatostick…’ but if they’re like ‘potatostick is such a slut’ and you literally laugh in their faces and say ‘where on earth did you hear that hahahaha’ they’ll be like ‘omg, we’re so stupid why did we even believe that’ … and you will win.

Kristin Says:

I’d like to add something that I think is really, really important in this situation. You need to let your friend – and anyone else you are talking to – know that if someone does have HPV, that certainly does not make them a ‘slut.’ If you are going around school and defending your friend just by saying, “NO SHE DOESN’T HAVE THAT AND SHE ISN’T A SLUT,” I think you are missing a really important part of the conversation, which is that, in the US, an estimated 75-80% of people will be exposed to HPV in their lifetime. People can have HPV without having , and can contract HPV by having sex with just one person.

So, that’s the first myth that you should DEBUNK.

Second thing here is… what do people even mean when they say “OH MAN THAT GIRL CYNDI SURE IS A TOTAL SLUT YOU GUYS.” If you are going to have a snap-back for these rumor-starters, I would have it be something like, “I think it is incredible that you guys are doctors at such young ages, and that you can diagnose HPV by simply laying your eyes on someone… and that you are soooooo advanced that, even though HPV can be caused by sleeping with one person, you have decided that this particular person must have slept with 800 people… by the way, is that what you mean by SLUT?  When you have that report on ‘how many people makes someone a SLUT,’ I’d love to see the results, because I was thinking I might sleep with you, TOM, but I am already up to TWO, and if THREE makes me a SLUT then OOOOOOOHHH {scary ghost noises} I should probably be careful.” Then roll your eyes and walk away.

The bottom line here is that our bodies are our bodies, and anyone who starts rumors or judges someone about what they do with their bodies is wayyyyy out of line. Dannielle was right in saying that you should, first and foremost, be there for your friend. Make sure she knows that you think those naysayers are a bunch of jerks, that they are completely misinformed, and that you support her and understand things like a human being with a brain and not a poo-head.

Please use those actual terms – I find the term ‘poo-head’ to be an excellent mood-changer.

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"Can you get STDS if you have sex and both of you are virgins? (I’m a lesbian)"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

My first instinct was to be like ‘nah you cool’ but you guys, that’s not even true at all. Especially knowing how much some parents freak out about talking sexitimes with their youngins… It is totally possible that you contracted something from your mama’s jiney when you were being birthed and she never said anything bc she was scared OR MAYBE SHE DIDN’T EVEN KNOW.

AND WHATSMORE, you could have totally contracted something that has no symptoms, you know? I think no matter what your situation, you should get your shit tested….i mean not your literal poop, but, your blood and body parts…. you know?

I’d like to quote Kelly Clarkson on matters like these, as she said very recently “What doesn’t kill you makes you STRONGER GETALITTLELONGERGETALITTLEOCEANWHENI’MALONE” …. The first part is the important part bc i have no idea what she says after ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’

The point is, it absolutely won’t hurt and it is a wonderful thing to be safe and knowledgeable about your body, plus, there are clinics all over the country that will do testing for totes freeeeeee!

Kristin Says:

Short Answer: HELL TO THE YES YOU CAN.

Longer Answer:

First of all, sex and only sex is not the single way of contracting an STD. You can contract STDs through lots of other ways, including but not limited to the mashing together of body parts and non-body-parts like sex toys. These are things that you or your partner(s) may not consider ‘having sex,’ since, let’s be real, ‘having sex’ for lesbians in particular (and humans in general) means a whole variety of things to a whole variety of people. So, part one is to understand the many ways that you can contract STDs, and the ways that you can be safe.

If you are a big ‘ol lesbian, here is an awesome article by our friends at Autostraddle that is informative and detailed. READ IT. “Lesbian Safe Sex 101”

If you are NOT a big ‘ol lesbian, here are some other resources: A video on Safe Sex for Trans Guys, an article on safe boy on boy sexitime, an article on being safe in many ways after sex-reassignment surgery, and some general safe sex tips that include a very hilarious animated penis cartoon… remember that so many of these tips #haha overlap for all of us you guys so pay attention and be informed.

Secondly, you should ALWAYS get tested before you are sexually active and while you are sexually active and so should your partner(s). We all cannot say this enough: GET TESTED. GET TESTED. GET. TESTED. Here is a website that I just found where you can navigate by state to find the many free clinics who will test you free of charge!!

Thirdly, thank you for asking this question, and please to all of y’all reading this: Remember that talking to the people you are mashing body parts and other parts and WHATEVERS with is crucial to your health. The decisions that you make now with your bodies are ones that can affect you for the rest of your life, so trust us when we tell you to be safe and smart. IT’S THE COOL THING TO DO YOU GUYS AND BEING COOL IS SO IN RIGHT NOW.

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"what are you supposed to say when your doctor asks if you are having sex and your a lesbian? I’m 17 and I always get scared and don’t know what is appropriate. My doctor asked if I was having sex and I just said ‘not with a boy’ and I don’t think she got it. And now that i just typed that out i realized how weird and creepy that sounded. I don’t want to say no because I am lady boning, but I dont know how to yes and clarify what I mean. Help!"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Gyno: Are you sexually active?

Me: Yes

Gyno: Are you on birth control, do you use condoms, etc?

Me: I mean….I date girls???

Gyno: How many sexual partners have you had in the last 6 months?

THE REST ISN’T YOUR BUSINESS, INTERNET…but you get the point. Boom, there it is, as soon as she asks. It was SO AWKWARD for me the first time I said it bc like…they don’t give you any questions about the gender of the people you bone…but you guys… the gender doesn’t matter. E’erone has to use protection/get tested/be safe/get checked all up on. Tell your gyno, they know what’s up, they see billions of people everyday.

Kristin Says:

This shit has pissed me off for yearrrrsssssss, you guys.

My conversations, in the past, have typically gone:

Gyno: Are you sexually active?

Me: Yes

Gyno: Are you on birth control?

Me: I don’t need birth control.

Gyno: Excuse me?

Me: I partner with women.

Now, first of all, I DON’T KNOW WHY I SAY ‘PARTNER WITH WOMEN,’ BC I WOULD NEVER SAY THAT IN REAL LIFE ANYWHERE ELSE. I hate it.  But I am being honest, and that is what came out of my dumb mouth.

Second of all, it is annoying as FUCK and sometimes awkward for a minute, but like, gynos literally have their heads in 87 vaginas a day (#notafact), so they usually don’t give a shit if you are boning a lady or a Mr. Potato Head, so long as you are doing it healthily. #potatoheadcondoms

Third of all, you should find out if there are any LGBTQ-based health centers near you, because I can’t begin to explain how goddamn wonderful it is to go to a gyno who realizes that sex does not only mean penis-in-vagina.  My new LGBTQ-awesome-gyno is literally like, ‘Do you use protection? Do you engage with sex toys? What is your preferred gender?” And I’m all, “HIGH FIVE ME, DOCTOR! …I DON’T CARE THAT I AM IN A GOWN, HIGH MOTHER-FUCKIN’ FIVE ME FOR NOT MAKING ME FEEL LIKE A DUFUS FOR BEING INTO LADIES. YOU RULE.”

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"i tried talking to my mom about sex a few times, but she blew up at me about how big of a deal it is. i understand its a big deal, but i just want to have a rational conversation about it and i feel like i can't talk things through with her, but she just sticks on how its not a "fun thing" and only for "life partners". how can i try to get to the bottom of all my questions and have her listen to my side without alienating her?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

When you say “hey mom, can we talk about safe sex” what your mom hears is “hey mom, i’m pregnant” or “hey mom, I have chlamydia” …I mean, you and I both know that’s not what you’re saying, but like…you came out of her loins and you have to understand that sometimes moms (or dads or guardians or big sisters/brothers) jump into freak out mode before they jump into ‘rational conversation’ mode.

So, you can do a couple of things.

1. Find a different grown-up to talk to, maybe a guidance counselor, a health teacher, a doctor, a college professor, family friend, aunt/uncle ETC.

2. ASK THE QUESTIONS ON EVERYONEISGAYDOTCOM.

3. Tell your mom you’re not going to run out and give away your virginity to the first homeless man you see, but you’d like to know wtf a dental dam is, tell her if she won’t have the convo, you’re going to ask someone else and does she really want the sex-life of her baby in the hands of some 24 year old hoodlum she doesn’t know?!?!?!

At the same time, maybe she just hates talking about sexi-thangs in general, you know? Maybe she’s just NOT going to do it. DON’T BE MAD AT HER, TALKING ABOUT SEXI IS HARD AND WEIRD ##thatswhatshesaid

Kristin Says:

Once, when I was a freshman in college, I accidentally wound up with a hickey on my neck for parents’ weekend, and my mom pulled me aside and was like, “ARE YOU USING CONDOMS?”

Point being, yeah…moms and other parental figures get a little carried away when it comes to extrapolating on the sexy-time-teen-evidence and convincing themselves that you actually are hiding four babies underneath your bed.

That said, you are so flipping awesome for feeling comfortable enough to go to your mom with those questions, and I am going to stand up and clap for you. I swear, I really just stood up and clapped. When I was a teenager, the last thing I ever wanted to do was to talk to my parents about anything aside from whether or not they could do my laundry. I think you should try one more time with your mom, and say something like this:

“Hey, mom. I know that you don’t want to talk to me about safe sex because you think that I will take that as permission to sleep with tons of people, but I really need you to listen to me. I have questions and I thought you were the best person to ask, and I think that the safest thing to have at my disposal is knowledge…because otherwise I am just swimming around out here not knowing what is what. Sex is a big deal to me, too, and that is why it is important enough to talk about openly. If I can’t come to you with these questions, I am going to be responsible enough to get answers from someone else, and I think you should be proud of me for that. If it makes you too uncomfortable, I understand and I just want you to remember that I love you and that you have raised me to make good decisions for myself. “

Any adults reading this? Keeping your kids, or any kids, in the dark about sex will only lead them to seek out their own answers…and a lot of times when they go looking for those answers without the knowledge of how to keep things safe, shit gets really scary.

In the words of Salt N Pepa, “Let’s talk about sex, baby.”

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Episode 21

CHRISTMASCAST 2010: It just occurred to us that we missed a really wonderful opportunity to lip sync to "Dick in a Box." Although...it could probably work for a Valentine's Day post, too. 1. I'm 19 and recently was diagnosed with Herpes. Do I tell people up-front or wait until "sexy time" to disclose? 2. I got asked out by two girls. I said yes to #1 before I got to know #2, and now I like #2 better than #1. How can I tell #1 that I'm just not as interested? MERRY HOLIDAYS GAYBALLS!

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