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"I had a dream in which I was in love with my roommate, and now I can’t be around her without being awkward. What should I do?"

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Listen. This has happened to me multiple times. One time I didn’t talk to my friend for two days bc I was so mad about something she’d done in my dream… More recently, I had a dream my best friend in the world stole my favorite pants and bejeweled the back pockets. I WAS PISSED. I’m not wearing bejeweled pants, you know?? I ignored her for two hours and then finally scream texted her about my pants and we made jokes and it was fine.

I think you should tell her about your dream and if you scream text her that’s totally okay. It was just a dream, you know? That’s not actually how you feel and as long as you’re okay communicating that to her, you should say something. BECAUSE LIKE, if you scream ‘I HAD A DREAM I WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU AND NOW I FEEL WEIRD’ you’re opening up the door for jokes. Once you can joke about it, you’ll feel a lot better.

On the other side of this whole thing, if you don’t yell and joke about this you’re going to feel weird forever… so you have no choice. GOOD LUCK NERD.

Kristin Says:

Yeaaaaaaah, you gotta just tell her. IT’S JUST A DREAM YOU GUYS.  Last night I dreamt that Dannielle and I invented styrofoam… you know?!

My suggestion for a great comedic delivery would be to dramatically hit pause the next time you are watching your favorite roomie show together, keep your eyes focused on the TV and scream, “I DREAMT ABOUT BEING IN LOVE WITH YOU AND I AM REALLY SORRY AHHHHHHHHHHH,” and during the extended “AHHHHHHHH” get up and run around the couch in circles with your arms flailing.

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"Is it common for straight girls to kiss each other? My roomate is always in her friends room, and sleeps there half the time. Last night, her friend kissed her goodnight in our room. I don’t know if either knew I was there, because I’m in a loftbed in the corner. Do straight girls do that? If they’re together, I want her to know that she doesn’t have to hide around me. But people already laugh at me for being socially awkward, and if I’m wrong, they’ll laugh even more. I don’t want that."

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Okay, so, if I were you I’d do one of three things. NUMBER ONE, I would make up a fake story about a fake gay friend. I would get real elaborate and tell this story about how you tried to tell him you’d love him regardless and you don’t care who people fall in love with because we’re all the same on the inside. Then say you saw a lion walk by and you both gasped and went completely silent. YOUR ROOMMATE will think the story is about the lion, but really you tricked her into knowing that you don’t care if she makes out with girls.

NUMBER TWO, I would just be like ‘man i dont understand people who are against gay marriage, i have so many gay friends and i feel like their weddings would be more fun than straight people weddings anyway, you know?’ THIS WILL SPARK A CONVERSATION ABOUT GAY FRIENDS AND PEOPLE AND YOU BEING POSITIVE.

NUMBER THREE, I would say to her ‘hey would you and TOAST wanna grab dinner with me and POTATOES? I figured it’d be less awkward if it’s like a double date situation’ because if she says ‘oh, but TOAST and I aren’t dating’ you can say ‘omg haha no no i meant like a friend date type thing, POTATOES and i have only hung out once and i just don’t know what to talk about, we’re also not dating’ AND YOU’RE IN THE CLEAR ooorr if she says ‘OH, yea, totally it sounds like a lot of fun’ then they’re totally dating and you can now bring it up freely…

Kristin Says:

I love that one of the major advice points up there is for you to pretend that you saw a LION walk by…

My main thought here is: If they kissed each other goodnight on the cheek, that is a pretty common for of goodbye for humans. If they kissed on the mouth and just for a tiny moment, that is a little less common but also is totally a possible goodbye. Maybe. Kind of. If they kissed on the mouth for an extended period of time and/or there was any mouth-opening of any sort or lingering of any kind…. THEY BE DOIN’ IT Y’ALL.

My response to that thought is: Just be vocal about your thoughts on gay humans, exactly like Dannielle said. Don’t say HEY IT’S TOTALLY COOL THAT YOU KISS YOUR GAY LOVER I AM FINE WITH THAT. Just be cool around your roommate and her maybe-girlfriend, bring up things in casual conversation, be friendly, etc. These things don’t have to be forced – there is no reason for her to tell you something immediately or for you to feel obligated to let her know YOU KNOW AND YOU COOL.

You know?

There may be bigger reasons that they choose to remain partially closeted, and that is totally their decision and totally not a reflection on your level of open-mindedness.

Alternately, next time it happens you could pick up your pillow and start kissing it furiously. When they ask what you are doing, just say, “OH I THOUGHT IT WAS KISS YOUR GF TIME AND I DON’T HAVE ONE.”

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"my roommate is a SLOB. she leaves raisins on the floor and won’t pick them up, her dishes are piling up in the sink, she got so drunk that she threw up in the tub and DIDN’T EVEN CLEAN IT UP THE NEXT DAY, my other roommate finally did it. it’s INSANE. she then complains about how messy the apartment is. but all she does is watch tv all day. help?"

- Question submitted by whatdykeslike

Dannielle Says:

EW. EW. EW. GET RID OF HER.

You guys, this is gross and not okay and you have to talk to her or I’ll be so mad at you and I’ll never come over.

You can do a few things (1) have a family meeting where you and other roommate say ‘hey you can’t keep doing THESE SPECIFIC THINGS (2) Start a chore chart where everyone is responsible for their own areas, and certain people clean certain things SLASH dishes can’t be in the sink for more than a day (3) ask her to move out.

You have to like where you live and everyone has to deal with messy roommates, but that shit is just unacceptable. If you don’t talk to her a ball of hate will form in your heart and you won’t be able to get rid of it and you’ll hate her forever. Talk to her, talk to her, talk to her.

Kristin Says:

RAISINS ON THE FLOOR AND PUKE IN THE TUB IS EXACTLY WHAT HELL MUST BE LIKE.

THIS IS HORRIBLE.

Write her this letter:

Dear Roommate,

THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE AND YOU MUST CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF. If you find you are unable to contain your raisins or your vomit, then you should live by yourself or with someone who loves eating floor-raisins and bathing in puke. WHICH IS NO ONE.

Love,
Other Roommates and Kristin Russo of everyoneisgay.com

I know that sounds harsh but like… talk to her about it, do what Dannielle said and make a chore chart, but if those things don’t succeed… she has to go. That is just. THAT IS. UGH.

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"My girlfriend and my roommate don’t get along. They both bitch about the other to me and I feel stuck in the middle because I don’t want to lose or have an awkward situation with either."

- Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

I would literally tell them to stop bitching about each other to you. Because here’s the thing… they hate each other, whatever. That already makes me wary, for what reason? Doesn’t it make you feel weird that they’re both soooo against the other they can’t even be civil human beings?? Like… WHAT’S GOING ON, WHO IS ACTUALLY THAT MAD?

Anyway, they can hate each other and roll their eyes when the other makes a joke or whatever WITHOUT involving you directly. The next time PAPERTOWELS (your girlfriend) starts to talk smack about PONYTAILS (your roomie) stop her and say ‘hey papertowels, i love you and i want you to be able to talk to me about stuff, but i really don’t wanna talk about ponytails. I just feel like nothing will really come of it, and she’s one of my good friends, so like, i’m not gonna say anything bad about her you know?”

This will prolly cause a tiny fight, but when it comes down to it, you’re not asking her to love your roomie, you’re just asking her to bitch a little less. AND DO THE SAME WITH YOUR ROOME ‘hey ponytails, i love papertowels and i’m not gonna talk shit about her..sooo’ you know what i mean? EASY PEASY. Do what you gotta do to keep your emotional well-being stable.. you are SUPER important.

Kristin Says:

This is ridiculous and it pisses me STRAIGHT OFF. I am now in a fight with both PAPERTOWELS and PONYTAILS and I would like to tell you, Anonymous, that I am mad at them and I think they are acting immature and stupid. So, now you have to deal with a new problem: PAPERTOWELS, PONYTAILS, AND KRISTIN all bitch to you about each other.

Seriously, though, the first thing that you should know is that this is a completely unfair situation that you are in – so feel justified for being angry and uncomfortable, because that is exactly  how I would feel as well.

I would tackle this with your roommate first, because I think that this is a space that you both share… so the responsibility is more on her to make it a comfortable living environment for you and the people who mean a lot to you (read: PAPERTOWELS). The next time she bitches, just ask her if there is anything that would make her experience in the apartment a bit more bearable, because you love PAPERTOWELS and she is going to be around, but if there is anything that can be done so that PONYTAILS is more comfortable, you are all ears.

Then, say very nicely, “It would mean a lot if we could get to a place where you are less upset with PAPERTOWELS, only because I live here and I care about her, and I just want all of us to be as content as possible.”

THEN, talk to your boo #papertowels and explain that you’ve been feeling really torn about the house conflict, and that you talked to your roommate #ponytails so that things would get a little easier. Tell her you care about her and love her and that if there is anything that could be better for her, you are ALL EARS, but that July is the month of peacemaking and you want to all work together toward INDEPENDENCE FROM YOUR CONFLICTS.

Eh? #IndependenceDayResolutions

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